I was just on CNN and the sidebar (the place that carries ads) was showing an ad for a book called “The Mormon Conspiracy.” I’m always eager to learn what I’ve been conspiring about lately. So, I surfed over to the website, mormonconspiracy.com . And I have to say– wow, where do these people come from?
Apparently, the church is part of a conspiracy to take over and “Mormonize” the United States. (So that’s why we’ve been training with rocket-propelled grenades during Sunday School lately). Some of the scary bullet points on the web page:
“Over sixty thousand fully-trained, adequately financed and prepared Mormon missionaries are serving in all parts of the United States and in over 124 countries around the world.” [Hah! This guy has clearly never met any actual misisonaries. I'm trying to think of anyone on my mission who I would call "fully-trained and prepared" . . . hmm, drawing a blank. Of course, it sounds lot less frightening to say, "They send out a legion of frightened nineteen-year-olds who have seven weeks of Spanish training and a vague idea that they're supposed to 'build relationships of trust.'"]
“Just as the United States Army has its military academy, and the United States Air Force has the Air Force academy, the Mormon Church has Brigham Young University for training its future leaders.” [Dang it, I guess I'm excluded from being a future leader. I wonder if the future leaders include students who had beards or did the funky chicken.]
“There are at least 100,000 leadership positions for Mormon priesthood holders to assume, including bishops, stake presidents, mission, district and branch presidents and the General Authorities.” [Yep, we've got Deacon's Quorum President -- "You guys want to go out for donuts after Sunday School?" -- Teacher's Quorum President -- "So, let's discuss who the cutest Mia Maids are" -- Priests Quorum President -- "I just got my license, guys, let's go spin out in the parking lot." Also, there's the Elders Quorum Presidency, which largely consists of entering zeros on home teaching reports.]
“Spirits waiting to enter mortal existence was another one of Joseph Smith’s creations arising from his remarkable imagination. The idea, no doubt, had the ulterior motive of increasing membership in his church by encouraging members to have large families.” [No doubt. We suckered Wordsworth into it too -- all that "trailing clouds of glory" stuff. But I can't believe he forgot to mention the worst, most despicable indoctrination of all in this area -- Saturday's Warrior!].
Anyway, the list goes on, and on, and on. It makes for somewhat interesting reading, if you’re willing to apply your own Mystery Science filter and have some fun. And hey, being accused of conspiracy puts us in good company — Jews have been accused of such stuff for millenia.