Not just your garden-variety anti anymore (or, “A Conspirator Speaks”)

I was just on CNN and the sidebar (the place that carries ads) was showing an ad for a book called “The Mormon Conspiracy.” I’m always eager to learn what I’ve been conspiring about lately. So, I surfed over to the website, mormonconspiracy.com . And I have to say– wow, where do these people come from?

Apparently, the church is part of a conspiracy to take over and “Mormonize” the United States. (So that’s why we’ve been training with rocket-propelled grenades during Sunday School lately). Some of the scary bullet points on the web page:

“Over sixty thousand fully-trained, adequately financed and prepared Mormon missionaries are serving in all parts of the United States and in over 124 countries around the world.” [Hah! This guy has clearly never met any actual misisonaries. I'm trying to think of anyone on my mission who I would call "fully-trained and prepared" . . . hmm, drawing a blank. Of course, it sounds lot less frightening to say, "They send out a legion of frightened nineteen-year-olds who have seven weeks of Spanish training and a vague idea that they're supposed to 'build relationships of trust.'"]

“Just as the United States Army has its military academy, and the United States Air Force has the Air Force academy, the Mormon Church has Brigham Young University for training its future leaders.” [Dang it, I guess I'm excluded from being a future leader. I wonder if the future leaders include students who had beards or did the funky chicken.]

“There are at least 100,000 leadership positions for Mormon priesthood holders to assume, including bishops, stake presidents, mission, district and branch presidents and the General Authorities.” [Yep, we've got Deacon's Quorum President -- "You guys want to go out for donuts after Sunday School?" -- Teacher's Quorum President -- "So, let's discuss who the cutest Mia Maids are" -- Priests Quorum President -- "I just got my license, guys, let's go spin out in the parking lot." Also, there's the Elders Quorum Presidency, which largely consists of entering zeros on home teaching reports.]

“Spirits waiting to enter mortal existence was another one of Joseph Smith’s creations arising from his remarkable imagination. The idea, no doubt, had the ulterior motive of increasing membership in his church by encouraging members to have large families.” [No doubt. We suckered Wordsworth into it too -- all that "trailing clouds of glory" stuff. But I can't believe he forgot to mention the worst, most despicable indoctrination of all in this area -- Saturday's Warrior!].

Anyway, the list goes on, and on, and on. It makes for somewhat interesting reading, if you’re willing to apply your own Mystery Science filter and have some fun. And hey, being accused of conspiracy puts us in good company — Jews have been accused of such stuff for millenia.

Comments

  1. VeritasLiberat says:

    “* Few foreign citizens are aware that the Mormon Church is not predominantly “The American Church,” but only a minority church.”

    *Most* churches in America are minority churches. That’s what happens when a country doesn’t have a state-sponsored religion. I do believe that LDS is the fifth largest denomination in the US, though, behind the Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, and two other groups I’ve forgotten at the moment.

  2. VeritasLiberat says:

    “* Many Mormon men have been hired by the FBI, a preponderance when considering their proportion to the percentage of the population.”

    The conspiracy theorists note this, yet fail to mention the equally disproportionate number of Mormons hired by the hotels in Las Vegas.

  3. VeritasLiberat says:

    “And the Mormon Church hierarchyÂ’s indoctrination program [BYU] is having outstanding success, for according to a BYU survey of its students, 98 percent believe in Joseph Smith as a Prophet and 98 percent believe that the Mormon Church is divine, the “Only true Church on the face of the whole earth.”

    Ermmm…. perhaps these high levels are due to the fact that people who do NOT believe these things generally choose to attend some other school?

  4. “Boy Scout troops become important recruiting prospects for the church.”

    It is wonderful that wednesday nights of tackle town, wedgies, and general disorder: weekends of peeing on fires, eating ashes, mooning passing motorist, rocking laterines and mostly being unruly. I am glad the Scout have become such a great recruiting tool.

  5. VeritasLiberat says:

    “The basketball games of BYU are especially attractive to South American listeners.”

    Well, I’m glad SOMEBODY realizes the football program sucks.

  6. VeritasLiberat says:

    And I still haven’t figured out where the submarines are in the Book of Mormon. Maybe they’re in the part of Second Nephi that I skipped over.

  7. FYI, the publisher of the book is Black Forest Press. Their website notes that “Black Forest Press is a well known and respected self book publisher.” For respected self-published authors, no doubt. I’ll bet the rejections he got from major, minor, and small-town publishers confirmed his conspiracy views.

  8. D. Fletcher says:

    I definitely believe in a Mormon Conspiracy, but it isn’t a conspiracy to take over the world. It’s a conspiracy to ensnare already- baptized members in a never-ending hell of talks, meetings, bad musical numbers, and lime jello, in the self-built prisons of airless, artless, windowless chapels.

    Bitter, you say?

    ;)

  9. I don’t know D. Taking over the world sounds like so much more fun…

  10. It’s in Alma 64:

    18. And it came to pass that Captain Moroni decided to build some submarines to attack the Lamanite fleet. He got Teancum Jr. and Lehi started on torpedo designs. But then he realized that steel hadn’t yet been invented; also, the Lamanites didn’t have a fleet. So instead, they built a few attack aircraft and bombed the Lamanite capital.

    I suspect that “submarines” comes from Ether, though Ether was clearly not submarines as we understand them.

  11. Kaimi, how DARE you divulge our secret ways. I’ve sent the Danite SWAT team to your office for some “re-education”.

  12. VeritasLiberat says:

    Oh, this is hilarious:
    “Mormon Church has Brigham Young University for training its future leaders. There are at least 100,000 leadership positions for Mormon priesthood holders to assume, including bishops, stake presidents, mission, district and branch presidents and the General Authorities. What better way could be found to provide for the thousands of leaders for the Mormon Church than to give them a low cost education which not only ensures further indoctrination into church teachings and beliefs, but also provides students with a ***lifetime comfortable income?*** “

    (I wonder if my bishop knows about this lifetime comfortable income thing.)

    AFAIK there are only a few church positions that provide income. Even fewer are for a lifetime. And none of them are exactly comfortable, considering that leading the Saints is like trying to herd a flock of cats.

  13. Sometimes at work, the subject of my “Mormonism” comes up. Usually this is accompanied by references to other colleagues that are also Mormon. “We’re taking over the firm,” I say. Then, I look at them, put on a very serious, stern looking face, and say: “Eventually, you will ALL join us … or DIE.” Good times.

    Aaron B

  14. Wasn’t this the main thrust of the Godmakers? They had this bizarre X-Files like ending with all these government buildings shown and then these two missionaries with a sinister grin knocking on a door. Hilarious stuff.

  15. Yeah, that’s cool. But if you really want a seriously insane rant about Mormons, then you need to check out the Kolob UFO conspiracy:

    http://business.gorge.net/zdkf/kufol/kolit.html

    And here’s a site that details links between the LDS church, the Masons, the Illuminati, the Merovingian kings, etc.

    http://www.cephas-library.com/mormon/mormon_lds_rlds_merovingians.html

    Enjoy!

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