So, apparently my friend thought it was rude when I tested the length of the scarf I was crocheting during the closing prayer in conference today. Which made me wonder, really, what proper t.v. prayer behavior is, which started me questioning all of my little conference rituals. So, in the style of the Mormon Miss Manners, I present to you: Conference Etiquette.
1. T.V. prayers are real prayers, but require less rigid behavior. Do keep your eyes open and move, but only while sitting down. Do not get up to get a snack. Do not talk. Do not mute the prayer and fight with your family. Do not make other people laugh by pulling faces. Do check your scarf length.
2. Do not sing along with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Do make fun of the one poor black man that they keep focusing on, and do give the camera men suggestions on whom to focus. Preferrably the man who is yawning, or the woman who forgot the words.
3. Do sing loudly during the rest hymn. Do ignore the looks of people around you–because your enthusiasm outstrips your talent. Do laugh at the primary children when they sing “gird up your loins” during Come Come Ye Saints.
4. Do enthusiastically raise your hand to sustain the general authorities. Do make wildly speculative comments about why certain people were released.
5. Do not say rude things about the general authorities. But do make affectionate comments like “oh he’s so cute” and “he looks better a little chunky.”
6. Do not fall asleep during morning conference. It is permissible to fall asleep during afternoon conference, but only accidentally. Do not snore.
7. Do work on handiwork during conference. Do vocally admire your friends’ handiwork. Do secretly think that yours is better. Do ignore talks about pride.
8. Do not ignore the other talks. Do feel guilty. Do start REGULAR scripture study for at least a week, and do go buy a journal with every intention of writing in it. Do dust it occasionally.