I have the wonderful opportunity of attending Church each Sunday. And while Sunday is still five days away as of this writing, I’m already dreading the inevitable… I’ll have the opportunity to walk into Sacrament meeting just after 10:00 am, have the opportunity to sit down, and then have the opportunity to listen to the opening prayer, in which the prayer-giver will surely thank the Lord for the opportunity we all have to come to Church, the opportunity we have to live in this wonderful country, and the opportunity we are all about to have to listen to the wonderful talks. After I’ve had the opportunity to take the Sacrament, I will then listen to at least two speakers, both of which are likely to talk about various opportunities they’ve had during the week, or at least publicly thank the Lord for the opportunities He has provided them. It’s also likely they’ll thank the Bishop for the opportunity he’s given them to speak in Church, even if they actually secretly loathe the opportunity. (Perhaps I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to sing a hymn between the talks too, though I doubt it will be a Churched-up version of the Pet Shop Boys’ "Opportunities.") Finally, someone will give the closing prayer, thanking God for the opportunity we all had to come to Church, and asking that God allow other Church members who weren’t with us the opportunity to attend next week.
Then it’s off to Sunday School, where I’ll have the opportunity to listen to a (hopefully) riveting lesson, which will undoubtedly be prefaced by a prayer of thanks to the Lord for the opportunity we all have to listen to our wonderful teacher. The closing prayer will be yet one more opportunity for someone to give thanks for the opportunity we just had to be spiritually nourished, although I might have left for an early bathroom break at an opportune moment. Did I mention how thankful I am for the opportunity to leave class whenever I want, so that I can take advantage of the opportunity to roam the traffic-free halls, or the opportunity to use the urinal? (If not, please allow me to take the opportunity to do so right now.)
Finally, it’s off to Priesthood, where all the ward brethren get the opportunity to listen to a lesson straight out of the McKay manual. Lest I forget how fortunate I am to have this opportunity, the opening prayer is likely to mention the wonderful opportunity we have to listen to the lesson, while the closing prayer is likely to mention this choice opportunity yet another time. Once that’s over, I will have the opportunity to chat with a few friends and acquaintances in the hall, the opportunity to run screaming to my car, the opportunity to drive out of the parking lot like a bat out of Hell, and finally, the opportunity to return home, shut and lock all my doors and fearfully await these same lovely opportunities sure to come the following Sunday.
I swear if I hear one more talk, testimony or prayer in which the speaker casually drops the word "opportunity," I’m going to take the opportunity to gouge their eyes out at the most opportune moment, and then opportunistically strangle them with my necktie. Folks, are you with me?