Okay folks, aren’t we all just a little tired of talking about the ugly aspects of religious life (Mormon and otherwise)? Aren’t we all having trouble remembering why we began blogging? Oh…is it just me? Okay then.
At any rate, I began blogging in order to make snap judgments about fairly useless distinctions (also, to bring about world peace). In an effort to get us out of our deep blue funk, I propose a contest of epic proportions. Let us pit aspects of Mormon pop culture against one another until only one aspect survives: The Acme of Mormon Culture.
If you will indulge me, here is how we’ll do this. You will propose 64 things in Mormon pop culture that you love (be they laudable or laughable). These are things that you think everyone could love (ie. don’t nominate “self-righteous prigs”; nominate “Hugh Nibley calling other people ’self-righteous prigs’”). If you all come up with more than 64 items, I and my crack team of Mormon handicappers (called in from the other blog where I post) will decide which are the best and we will seed them according to their strengths. This will take time that we really should spend on our actual jobs, but we love you and have no problem setting aside our important business because your spiritual welfare is just that important to us (or our jobs aren’t as entertaining as this will be, you decide).
After the seeding, we will put up a bracket and a schedule for games. Games will be decided by 24-hour blog poll, so plan accordingly. Earn bragging rights by picking the games before hand. Impress your friends. Earn money in Vegas. Whatever works for you (don’t worry, I won’t tell your bishop).
Any questions? Post them below. I’m start the ball rolling with the following 5 proposed Mormon Cultural Icons:
1. Funeral Potatoes
2. Old School Battlestar Galactica
3. “When you tell one lie, it leads to another…”
4. “Helaman’s warriors – Mommas’ boys”
5. Lock your heart!
November 7, 2006 at 4:10 pm
Oh, and of course,
Hugh Nibley calling other people “self-righteous prigs”
November 7, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Jello
Janice Kapp Perry
Johny Lingo
The BYU Honor Code
November 7, 2006 at 4:20 pm
“Oh My Heck”
Green Jello
Food to feed an army in your basement
Short-sleved dress shirts with a tie
November 7, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Steve Young
BYU
Michael McLean and the Forgotten Carols/or Nora’s Christmas
Choirs, children or adult, singing in church while using sign langueage, when there are no people who are hearing impaired in the congregation (see In This Very Room)
very small boys in short sleeved white shirts and ties
moms and daughters with matching dresses on Easter
Break the Fast “meetings”
Stadium of Fire–on a Saturday none the less-WHen the holiday is on a Sunday
Trunk or Treat
Wheat-berry casseroles
November 7, 2006 at 4:34 pm
Gold and Green Balls
Handcart Trek reenactments
“that no harm or accident may befall us”
Girls Camp songs
November 7, 2006 at 4:36 pm
“that no harm or accident may befall usâ€
Well then you can’t forget – “strengthenandnourishus”
November 7, 2006 at 4:38 pm
blessing the “refreshements”, which usually concisit of some sugary substance with not nutritional value
November 7, 2006 at 4:39 pm
“Paying tithing on gross earnings will result in gross blessings….”
This one just sounds funny in and of itself.
November 7, 2006 at 4:40 pm
J. Stapley
Ok, I’ll see you “strengthenandnourishus” and raise you “our various places of abode”
November 7, 2006 at 4:42 pm
“By this shallmeno ye are my disciples…”
November 7, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Any story about the three Nephites.
The “I found my friend” story.
Any filmstrip from the 70’s, especially the one with the song “I’ll send you an angel”.
Popcorn Popping
Pioneer Day anywhere outside of Utah
Felt boards
November 7, 2006 at 4:48 pm
namajesuskrisamen
November 7, 2006 at 4:49 pm
Potluck dinners
New Year’s dances on Saturday when New Years is on Sunday (complete with fake countdown at 11:30 so everyone can be home before 12)
CTR Rings
November 7, 2006 at 4:51 pm
Something I still use as a husband:
“companionship inventory”
November 7, 2006 at 4:52 pm
wedding pictures with basketball court lines on the florr
November 7, 2006 at 4:52 pm
floor
November 7, 2006 at 4:55 pm
Food Storage
Saturday’s Warrior
November 7, 2006 at 4:56 pm
12-year old Deacons (and 19-year old “Elders”)
Resin grapes (you have to be of a certain age to appreciate that one)
“that we all may go home in safety”
Sunbeams
Everyone teaching each other the same lesson for hometeaching
basketbrawl
November 7, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Big Love.
November 7, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Home made popsicles
Deseret Industries
No shorts in the Rec Center at the Wilk
I am a child of God
The Mo-Tab
The Tabernacle
Temple Square
The Plot of Zion
November 7, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Asking someone out on a date by putting clues to some elaborate scavenger hunt inside helium balloons that you leave on their doorstep and then run.
November 7, 2006 at 5:11 pm
Dancing a book-of-mormon length apart at youth dances.
Wondering what “necking and petting” are and hoping that it’s not something one might do accidentally.
Steve Young worship.
Memorizing the articles of faith.
November 7, 2006 at 5:11 pm
wait… what about Joseph Smith? Does he count?
November 7, 2006 at 5:11 pm
The Mormon Rap
“At the Wilkie, Wilkinson Center…”
November 7, 2006 at 5:12 pm
HBLL Hawaii Five-O
November 7, 2006 at 5:13 pm
Cipher in the Snow
The Letter
The Phone Call
“You’re not……………………alone”
November 7, 2006 at 5:13 pm
The book “None Dare Call it Conspiracy”
November 7, 2006 at 5:18 pm
Dale Murphy
Danny White
Danny Ainge
Donny and Marie
Brandon Flowers
Gladys Knight
November 7, 2006 at 5:19 pm
Wedding Announcements (as opposed to an invitation)
BMW – Big Mormon Wagon and..
Massivly huge families
Shades clothing (and all others like unto it)
Man purses (why do missionaries get these?)
Having more than one wedding ‘open house’ (in various locations).
Ring ceremonies
Mr. Krugers (sp?) Christmas
Scrapbooking/Provocraft
November 7, 2006 at 5:22 pm
Secret Combinations
Voting Republican
Chevy Suburbans
Bumper Stickers that read “R U LDS 2?”
Large Families
Feeding cheerios to kids during sacrament meeting
November 7, 2006 at 5:22 pm
NU SKIN
November 7, 2006 at 5:24 pm
Scripture cases. (Or bags, or whatever they’re called.)
64 color scripture marking pencils.
Little semi-clear stickers of Alma baptizing someone, that you’re supposed to stick in your scriptures somewhere or other.
Pianos on wheels.
The conductor.
Expecially, when the conductor is a deacon or a mia maid who has no idea what’s going on, and is either vigorously chopping at the air or making dainty swirlies, while being completely ignored by the pianist.
November 7, 2006 at 5:27 pm
NO CLAPPING.
I don’t care if you just heard D. Fletcher and Sarah Asplund performing Weeping Mary, or Eternal Day. Don’t clap. Don’t even think about it. Not even in your mind. Mormons don’t clap.
November 7, 2006 at 5:27 pm
“Moisture”
November 7, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Man purses (why do missionaries get these?)
Dude. Don’t make me submit you for banning. The man purse is true.
November 7, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Legacy: “if I ever see you again, it will be Zion to me!”
November 7, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Amway–or whatever it’s called now; and all other pyramid schemes.
November 7, 2006 at 5:29 pm
Toasting in fancy glasses with carbonated juice.
November 7, 2006 at 5:29 pm
Mollywood. Oh, yes.
Supergenius, when are we going to see Cinemasochist, the Halestorm Edition?
November 7, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Holy Smokes. Check out the wiki for moisture.
November 7, 2006 at 5:32 pm
kaimi, when I develop a cast-iron stomach.
November 7, 2006 at 5:34 pm
I’m going to nominate Baptists at our Barbeque for every single cinemasochist until you give in. The people have spoken, and they want you to watch Kirby Heywood.
November 7, 2006 at 5:36 pm
This is neither here nor there, but since someone mentioned Johnny Lingo earlier, I feel compelled to mention it.
While I served in the mission office, I sometimes found myself there late at night as my companion or other office elders were finishing up their work. On these occasions, I would watch videotapes that we had lying around the office and add dialogue as I saw fit (kind of like in MST3K). The best film for doing this was Johnny Lingo. Stay up until 2 am and watch it and you will know what I mean.
So, to add to the list, office elders.
November 7, 2006 at 5:44 pm
EFY
November 7, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Napoleon Dynamite
Not sitting in the front pew
The Snarkernacle (why hasn’t anyone mentioned another blog yet?)
Uno
Beard Cards
Hiking up to the ‘Y’
Ah, looking forward to the return of Mormon Smackdowns…
November 7, 2006 at 5:49 pm
Legacy: “if I ever see you again, it will be Zion to me!â€
That was a moment of cinematic history like no other.
November 7, 2006 at 6:02 pm
“I’ve been Dear Johned!”
November 7, 2006 at 6:03 pm
Brigham doing the funky chicken
NCMO
Living Scriptures
I want to bear my testimony. I know this church is true.
November 7, 2006 at 6:04 pm
prophetic dignity
November 7, 2006 at 6:04 pm
I’m thanful for my roommates (chin quivering)
November 7, 2006 at 6:31 pm
Knee-length shorts
Pre-edited movies (back when their legality hadn’t been challanged)
Caffeine-free Coca-cola
Still VL
“We’re thankful for this opportunity to…” (actually, I don’t love that one; I’m diligently working to get rid of that particular phraseology, along with “strengthen and nourish us”)
November 7, 2006 at 6:36 pm
Wait, are these supposed to be things we actually love? Because I hate when people sing with sign language for no real reason. And that probably applies to most everything I wrote.
November 7, 2006 at 6:40 pm
“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego: Can’t touch this.”
Guys asking permission to marry their girlfriend by giving the father eight (stuffed or otherwise toy) cows.
(“Johnny Lingo” SO deserves to win this.)
November 7, 2006 at 6:43 pm
patriarticle blessings
paradizical glory
November 7, 2006 at 6:44 pm
Children putting pennies in a tithing envelope.
“Flip, Elder!”
“Turn the time over to …”
November 7, 2006 at 6:45 pm
Including an engagement picture with a wedding reception invitation.
Inviting the entire ward to your wedding reception.
Inviting your entire ward to your *daughter’s* wedding open house, even though hardly anyone in your ward has ever met your daughter.
November 7, 2006 at 6:48 pm
Being so goyish that you refer to jewish people as gentiles.
November 7, 2006 at 7:00 pm
Star Wars
Equating the Priesthood to the Force
Replaying the scene in Star Wars where the Storm Trooper bangs his head on the door jam over and over
Professing the belief that Yoda was modelled after Spencer W. Kimball
November 7, 2006 at 7:02 pm
BLOGGING about Mormonism.
(Wait a minute. . . )
November 7, 2006 at 7:05 pm
Nut cups at a wedding reception in the cultural hall.
Testimony meeting bingo.
Cold fusion.
Ken Jennings.
Julie on MTV’s the Real Life.
Analogy of the complacent frog in the slowly-rising-to-a-boil water.
November 7, 2006 at 7:05 pm
See here
November 7, 2006 at 7:10 pm
The BYU Honor Code forbidding “the no-bra look.”
Beard cards.
The power of discernment to recognize garment lines.
The “I never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it” Jesus quote on a pillow
November 7, 2006 at 7:12 pm
“Lengthen your stride…”
November 7, 2006 at 7:13 pm
Well, most of mine have been taken, primarily Saturday’s Warrior and Girl’s CampSongs and I am a child of God.
Mormon Bumper Stickers that say intriguing things like, “Submarines? In 2000 bc?”
Knowing there’s always someone you can call if you need to
Grown-ups wearing CTR rings
Mormons on Game shows like Survivor and Jeopardy
November 7, 2006 at 7:13 pm
Pardon me, but what are Beard cards?
November 7, 2006 at 7:14 pm
Fetch!
November 7, 2006 at 7:15 pm
Hey, I hadn’t refreshed my browser! I wrote that before seeing danithew’s tribute to Ken jennings and Julie! I swear I’m not a copy cat…
November 7, 2006 at 7:17 pm
Mami, back in the day at BYU (maybe still?) you could only have a beard if you had a beard card. A beard card was supposedly based on some kind of medical certification that you had extra-sensitive skin and couldn’t shave.
Or something like that.
Anyone ever actually see a beard card? I don’t think I ever did.
November 7, 2006 at 7:20 pm
Postpardum dinners delivered from Relief Society
November 7, 2006 at 7:21 pm
I second the Halestorm cinemasochist theme. I’ve only recently seen these movies for the first time, as they’ve been cropping up in the bootleg shops on the backstreets of Malaysia. How? Why? The irony is so delicious, how could I resist from buying them? Now I’ve got 4 or 5 in my collection and they’re really the worst movies ever… but I love them!
November 7, 2006 at 7:25 pm
“And I bear this testimony in the name of thy Son …, Amen.”
November 7, 2006 at 7:25 pm
or is it “your son” …
November 7, 2006 at 7:30 pm
I’ve always heard it as thy son. Drives me nuts.
November 7, 2006 at 7:35 pm
Sorry, meems. Such religious schlock is verboten at KB.
November 7, 2006 at 7:41 pm
I figured. But how can you wear the badge of masochist with honor?
November 7, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Here’s another one:
Feeling guilty over lack of quilting skills
November 7, 2006 at 7:44 pm
Basketball courts in churches
Missionaries on Bicycles
Tie-Collections
November 7, 2006 at 8:08 pm
Is njensen from Washington State, per chance? (#14)
November 7, 2006 at 8:22 pm
Sacred not secret.
Inability to hold a 3 minute meeting without an opening and closing prayer.
Violent basketball seasons.
No halloween masks!
Ending a New Year’s Eve dance on Saturday at 11:00 PM and not offering refreshments.
Echo the no clapping.
“the brethren”
“partake”
deseret. deseret industries.
peanut butter canneries. canning period.
November 7, 2006 at 8:41 pm
Afterglow (the music group, not the feeling after sex)
November 7, 2006 at 9:21 pm
-Two year olds bearing their testimonies (with a young mother whispering in their ears)
-The telephone ringing off the hook Sunday mornings before church (someone peddling an assignment or last minute request)
-Free to Choose seminary video
-The preamble to any Sacrament talk, that Bro. XX called me to speak from the bishopric..and then crafting a lame joke or story out of it…
-Any sports adult leader that has zero training in their sport (that’s okay..as long as you show up and superevise everyone’s happy)
-In PEC spending more time talking about helping people then actually spending time helping people.
-Bretheren…it’s the end of the month…we need to go out and…
-Filling cannery assignments
-Taking a day off of work to serve in the temple cafeteria
November 7, 2006 at 9:31 pm
Having the key to the library!!
Knowing what happens to a frog in boiling water
I’ll build you a rainbow
Having a glass temple on your wedding cake rather than a bride and groom
Living in the mission field and calling the thrift store “D.I.” when it’s really the Salvation Army
November 7, 2006 at 10:00 pm
Yes, Wendy. Any afterglow for Mormons is strictly musical, and definitely not sex-related. Don’t make me go tell the ward clerk to find that Kimball letter about verboten practices.
November 7, 2006 at 10:11 pm
Good heavens. Let’s just not go there please.
November 7, 2006 at 11:11 pm
Ok. New entries will be accepted until 12 MST tomorrow, after which we will take the entries thus far received into our secret underground lair and determine what makes it into the tournament and what doesn’t. In the meantime, continue to name names!
November 7, 2006 at 11:32 pm
Frick
Freak
Fetch
November 7, 2006 at 11:56 pm
Bruce R. McConkie
Mormon Doctrine
ZCMI
Orderville
The story about the train switchman who lets his son die to save a train full of people
Once there was a Snowman
Book of Mormon Stories (with the actions)
Missionary haircuts
Capri pants
One piece bathing suits
Cain is Bigfoot
Wearing only one pair of ear rings
November 8, 2006 at 12:00 am
71, holy cow, that aggravates me. “and i leave this testimony with you in the name of thy son…” huh? MY son? i only have girls… or are you talking to the guy next to me? or her over there?
flannel boards and homemade popsicles aren’t lds, just the makings of a good mom. my anti mother would croak if she thought those things were lds trademarks!
beard cards are ordained of god! my husband was never able to get a “no shave chit” while in the military because he was “the wrong race.” he has super-dee-duper curly hair and shaving is a huge pain. it’s a legit excuse, people!
how about “super saturday?” i can’t think of anything not yet covered…
November 8, 2006 at 12:20 am
- Harry Anderson’s paintings
i) – Sweet pomegranates (transplanted from dad’s orchard of em, transplated from southern Nevada, I think transplanted from first settlements in Dixie round about Cedar City.
ii) – The southern Utah way of sayin’ CORN so it rhymes with BARN (Is it? It’s been so long)
- Relief society over at the house for a “quilting bee”
November 8, 2006 at 12:40 am
Minerva Teichert.
Arnold Freiberg!!
November 8, 2006 at 12:55 am
Singing the hymns at the MTC in all different languages at the same time
Playing the Mormon Name Game
Having over 50 first cousins
November 8, 2006 at 2:20 am
Cultural Halls
Ward Houses
Stake Centers
“Stronger than dirt”
Scripture Chases
November 8, 2006 at 9:09 am
Tom Trails
November 8, 2006 at 9:13 am
Kids named nephi, ammon, or helamen
November 8, 2006 at 9:24 am
Quoting The Princess Bride during courtship.
Three weeks between introduction and engagement, then one month until the wedding.
November 8, 2006 at 9:34 am
“taking out your endowments” eeck!
November 8, 2006 at 9:39 am
“You mock my pain!……Life is pain Princess……”
November 8, 2006 at 9:45 am
“Rather than tell my wife I love her in the privacy of our home, I will tell her in front of 200 people.”
November 8, 2006 at 9:48 am
A lot of these things seem like BYU icons, not LDS icons.
November 8, 2006 at 10:30 am
Utah being called “Zion.” Anywhere outside of Utah “the Mission Field.”
November 8, 2006 at 10:47 am
RE: #78
Is njensen from Washington State per chance?
Nope, but I did serve in Beautiful British Columbia
November 8, 2006 at 11:05 am
I am just going back to my childhood,
Book of Remembrances, with the hard blue coves and screw on bindings,
jesus wants me for a sunBEAM
ZCMI
Haloween carnivals
November 8, 2006 at 11:26 am
Linger longers.
November 8, 2006 at 11:29 am
“I heard Steve Martin was a Mormon…”
frumpy flower dresses with bulky shoulder pads
Not answering the phone Monday nights
The old man that is asked to give closing prayer when the meeting is already going long and he decides to bless every soldier, every politician, every member (sometimes by name), every non-member, the grass, the rain, the man at the grocery store who helped him take his groceries out to his car…
Or the old guy who mumbles so you don’t even know what he is blessing but he still goes on forever!
November 8, 2006 at 11:32 am
Half-eaten candy with the accompanying card: “Which piece would you choose?” to teach chastity to young women
“You were the generals in the pre-mortal life.”
November 8, 2006 at 11:40 am
Choirs full of old ladies that vibrato too much + 3 men (one of which is the husband of the chorister).
Angel Moroni on top of the Christmas tree.
Fiddler on the Roof’s Tradition being played in every lesson on traditions.
November 8, 2006 at 11:44 am
People watching at the SLC airport when returning missionaries emerge from the jetway.
November 8, 2006 at 12:07 pm
Is there money in the budget to do that?
November 8, 2006 at 12:30 pm
It’s a “Serving area”, not a kitchen.
November 8, 2006 at 12:52 pm
The auction of the old violin.
Footprints in the sand.
The guy who wrote “I’ll Build You a Rainbow” was teaching seminary at my school when he wrote and recorded it. As you can probably guess, he put on a lot of devotionals. Every time he did the song, once the song itself was through, he said to the audience: “Crybabies.”
November 8, 2006 at 1:06 pm
The Sacrament Meeting Nap. The best sleep of the week aside from High Priest Group.
November 8, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Re #90
I could almost imagine shouting ‘Freiberg!’ and holding up a lighter and swaying. (If you don’t get this, then get off my lawn!)
BTW, I work in the same building as Halestorm Studios. Fun place. They even have a putting green outside.
November 8, 2006 at 1:35 pm
I think a lot of these things are part of Utah culture more than LDS culture.
November 8, 2006 at 1:41 pm
Hugh Nibley, in prayer at a BYU graduation, telling deity, “We stand here dressed in the black robes of a false priesthood!”
November 8, 2006 at 1:41 pm
Thank you for the entries thus far. We will consider them all and get back to you soon.
December 6, 2006 at 11:23 am
[...] If you recall, back in the doldrums of November, we proposed a contest: A battle royale between various elements of Mormon culture. We took suggestions regarding what should be discussed and retreated to the bat cave in order to put the pieces together. Our efforts have been rewarded. We have a bracket! [...]