gst’s Greatest Hits

Some of you may be familiar with the work of gst, a regular commenter here and throughout the Bloggernacle. As an early Christmas present, our researchers have compiled some of gst’s greatest comments over the year(s).

And people say that we permabloggers don’t care about the commenters.

Any other standout comments or standout commenters from the year that you would like to add? We have similar files on ALL OF YOU.

GST’s All-Time Greats

On BCC’s civility pledge, We pledge that we will avoid jokes that hurt more than they entertain:

“I like this one. It requires a balancing test. In utilitarian calculus, if a joke deeply hurts only one person, but mildly entertains hundreds of others, it might pass the test!”

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On Logan’s post about how his dad who hangs dirty pictures in his house gets funny looks from his home teachers:

“I wish I had Benny Hill for a dad too.”

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Here’s gst making light of Steve’s serious personal disappointments:

“Steve, perhaps your parents sinned.”

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This one illustrates gst’s willingness to take a stand on principle, and then reverse himself one comment later:

“I didn’t understand this post until Jonathan Green explained it. And now that I’ve had it explained to me, I agree with him.

I did like the movie, however.”

followed by

“Okay, now I’m back on Steve Evans’ side. You’re on your own, Green.”

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gst’s funeral wishes:

“Nor do I want any crying at my funeral. Just plaintive ululating.”

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Answering Kevin Barney who asks whether we’ve ever been asked to contribute monetarily towards the construction of a church building:

“Kevin, no I haven’t, but I’ve been asked to pay for things that I’ve broken inside church buildings. Does that count?”

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To E.C. Smith when she wrote one post mourning the death of her cat, followed by another mourning Abu Musab al-Zarqawi:

“I liked you better when you were mourning for your cat.”

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On Steve’s post about circumcision, after someone explains the difference between “glans” and “glands”:

“Thanks for the tip!”

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On the “who would you gay-marry?” poll:

“You’re making a mockery of the sanctity of imaginary gay marriage.”

(Nominated for comment of the year)

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After Lamonte says he wears suits tailored by Dung, but another guy prefers Mens Wearhouse:

“Yes, but is the suit a genuine piece of Dung?”

He later calls them “homonymous poo suits.

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To rleonard, who says ‘I just don’t know how someone who is informed could actually continue to tow that line.':

“If only I’d thought to inform myself, I’d think just like you!”

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To Karen, who needs someone to keep her secrets:

“If you just need to unburden yourself of secrets on someone duty-bound to keep them, and you don’t want to overburden your poor bishop, you can tell your lawyer. For just a few hundred dollars an hour I’ll listen to your dirt and take it to the grave. That way you can tell your secrets, not bother your bishop, and buy me a Lexus. Everybody wins.”

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On being “brutalized by art”:

Nancy Meyers’ pictures brutalize me.” (with link to Meyers at imdb)

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On life experience before marriage:

“I suppose I could have been older and gained more life experience and what not before getting married. Though in my defense, at one point before marriage I was on the bridge of my starship when an alien probe approached and knocked me unconscious with a neucleon particle stream. At the time it appeared to me that the beam had somehow transported me to an unfamiliar but pleasant planet where I quickly became integrated into the friendly society of the planet’s peace loving people. Without hope of return to my starship, I acclimated myself, worked as an iron weaver, married, had children, and then grandchildren. I lived to the age of 85. A disaster destroyed the planet to which I thought I had been transported, but not before my adopted people managed to launch a probe into space which would grant the them some measure of immortality by telling their story to an unknown, distant, and future being. Of course, I was that being: the probe was the one that I encountered on my starship, and the entire lifetime I thought I had lived was merely an illusion, though the people I met and experiences I had seemed perfectly real to me. I regained consciousness on the bridge of my ship and the crew informed me that I had only been out for 25 minutes, but in that time I had experienced a whole lifetime, the memories of which will be with me forever. I also learned to play the flute.”

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On missionary safety:

“I agree with Eric Russell. Missionary safety is important, but quite obviously isn’t the Church’s highest priority. If it were, I would have worn a football helmet everywhere. Or a bear suit. It would have made proselyting awkward (that is, more awkward).

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Giving a book recommendation under time constraints:

“I recommend Clarke’s Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I’ll give a description in a few hours-we’re about to take off and the flight attendant is giving my Blackberry the stink-eye.”

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Confessing his sins:

“I’ve got all you chumps beat: I have a BR McConkie tattoo on my forearm. Also, I hit my kids.”

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A comment noteworthy because it merited no further response:

“Finally, someone on BCC comes out unequivocally against sodomites!”

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Comparing notes with Kevin Barney on how badly they have treated women:

“I’ll just say this: most Neil LaBute plays are based on me.”

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Here’s gst inviting Steve to commit suicide for the sake of gender balance:

“Are you going to throw yourself in front of a bus? That’s a gain of 3 percentage points.”

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On the fact that GA’s answer only answer the letters of gay Mormons:

“I was wondering what I had to do to get the First Presidency to answer my letters. Now to go get sufficiently drunk…”

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On seeing temple movie props:

“I was once wandering around LDS Motion Picture Studio in Provo with a friend who worked there and saw in a prop barn a couple of strangely familiar papier mache planets several feet in diameter. The experience has actually enhanced my temple worship.

Yeah, I said ‘papier mache”

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This deleted comment at T&S originally said, “Reminds me of the time I once felt up Russia.”

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On Nate Oman’s fate under the communists:

“Nate, you are an intellectual, nothing ‘so-called’ about it. You’re an appellate lawyer, for crying out loud. If the Khmer Rouge were to come to power in Northern Virginia tomorrow, you would be among the first up against the wall.”

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On the Ensign’s divorce piece:

“I too enjoyed the article on coping with divorce. In fact, it gave me the push I needed and I’m having papers served on my wife as she comes out of Curves tonight. Thank you Ensign!”

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After Rusty insults him:

“I resent the implication that some might think that just because I live in a trailer park and use drugs that I must have gone to a community college.”

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On keeping marriage fresh:

“I was instructed by my bishop that my wife and I should reserve Friday for dating to keep our marriage from becoming stale. But, frankly, having been married for over 5 years, I’m not even sure where I would find people to date at this stage of my life.”

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Breaking various BYU rules:

“I too remember rebelling against BYU’s dress and grooming standards because it gave me the thrill of taboo. Also, I murdered hobos.”

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The difference between practicing law and waging war:

“The practice of law is not like war-I’m told that war is at least occasionally amusing.”

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gst confidently asserts that cats don’t wear pants, only to be proven wrong.

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On the disappearance of our favorite bloggernacle humorist:

“Maybe Kingsley got a job. Maybe we should get jobs too.”

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My mind is boggling trying to figure out what the requirements for a ‘Questioning Authority’ merit badge would be.

1. Steal this merit badge book.

2. Burn it.”

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Discussing Wagner:

“I just wanted to register my support for words with umlauts.”

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On Russell Fox’s sartorial sense:

“That look was pioneered by Andy Sipowicz, and it is fabulous.”

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From Julie in Austin’s homeschooling post:

“Russell Arben Fox: Perhaps the solution is to put out an eye of every matriculant to a nonsectarian, elite private school. Even up the score a little.

I myself went to a parochial school, but for elitist reasons. Where does that fall on your scale of objectionable educational decisions?”

After someone suggests that homeschooling begins in utero:

“Perhaps the reason that many resist the homeschool movement is that they’re concerned with the prospect of someone that thinks that she can teach a fetus also teaching science to children outside of the womb.”

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A mission story:


“Can I take advantage of this thread to confess my greatest sin against Mormon music?

While a zone leader in the mission field, an assistant to the president called me in advance of a zone conference and warned me that in preparing the program for the conference, the musical number should not be a congregational hymn, but rather an appropriate selection performed for the benefit of those present. Our zone had no outstanding musicians of which I was aware. What it did have, by coincidence, was 5 elders who at one point or another had been district leaders but for whatever reason no longer were. So I organized them into the Former District Leader Choir and put them on the program as such. I then ‘arranged’ a piece for them to do: the Spanish version (we were in South America) of “I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go,” with a twist. After the penultimate verse, the choir was to hum the piece through, while one at a time each former district leader stepped forward and said, “My name is Elder Johnson, and I was district leader in La Asuncion from October 1993 to January 1994,” and then take his place in the line again, to be followed by the next fellow. After they’d all done that, they finished strong with the last verse. The assistants to the president were dumbfounded. It was my proudest moment.”

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This works better without any context:

“I can only hope that some day some garment of mine will end up in a Mormonad.”

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“Funny you say that, because when I was a youth my Indian name was ‘Throws Like a Girl.’ I didn’t like it very much.”

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On the erstwhile Mormon blogger Jonathan Max Wilson:

“When JMW does return, He’ll be like Gandalf the White. Except with a puppet.”

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As a conservative Republican lawyer disenchanted by the Harriet Miers nomination:

“I didn’t volunteer a week of my time in 2004 to disenfranchise poor voters in a swing state to get Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court!”

Then he issues a clarification after someone throws a fit about that comment:

“I need to clarify the record. I only volunteered for four days.”

On whether Richard Epstein would have been a better nominee:

“Professor Epstein would be a terrifically fun nominee, as others have noted, not least because of the questioning over his view that a cash market is a just and efficient way of placing babies with adoptive parents.

For the record, I’m against selling babies. Though I would like to have mine appraised just to know what I’m sitting on.”

Same thread, in response to a total nutbar:

“Christopher Hunter makes some subtle and cogent points. Also, he deftly employs that most sophisticated of rhetorical devices, the all-capitals phrase.”

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“In my experience, there is a line to be drawn in the practice of playing PDA chess in church: hiding the screen from my wife so she thinks I might be reading scriptures tho I’m actually playing against the computer can pass. But engaging another brother in a game via infrared across two pews is somehow ‘irreverent.'”

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On the relative merits of Patrick O’Brian and Jane Austen:

“There are still plenty of marrying and social events and vicious snubs and lawsuits and other reversals of social fortunes, but every couple of hundred pages two ships of the line pull alongside and murder the hell out of each other. That’s a great improvement on Austen.”

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On a stake production of a Book of Mormon movie:

“Bryce, if they do put on another production, make sure to invite Mort Guffman.”

Comments

  1. Best thread ever.

  2. my only beef is that he spelled “nucleon” wrong.

  3. I’m dying. I’m dying!

  4. not bad

  5. Outstanding! Someone has had some time on their hands up there in the Pacific Northwest with all the weather and power outages.

  6. Julie M. Smith says:

    ““I didn’t volunteer a week of my time in 2004 to disenfranchise poor voters in a swing state to get Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court!””

    . . . my vote for single best comment, ever.

  7. I SO needed this laugh tonight…bogged down studying for crim pro. THANKS!

  8. Kevin Barney says:

    “You’re making a mockery of the sanctity of imaginary gay marriage” is my fave. I remember that comment when it hit in real time; it cracked me up then, and it still does the job now.

    Incredible post, BTW. That’s quite a corpus of work when you see it aggregated all in one place like this.

  9. Melissa De Leon Mason says:

    This post rocks my world.

  10. It really is hard to explain laughing hysterically at a computer screen.

  11. I think annegb would provide some entertaining comments history. I know I’ve gotten many smiles from her comments.

  12. It’s even harder to explain laughing at something you read on a computer screen while you’re walking down the street alone.

  13. J.,
    Try to keep yourself from laughing because your one-year-old has fallen asleep on your chest before you knew what you were in for.

    Is it legal to put these comments together in one place?

  14. That was fabulous! By the way, who is GST? Do we know?

  15. This is a real honor. First, the Time magazine Man of the Year, now this. What a week this is shaping up to be.

    Tracy, no man knows my history.

    What’s really gratifying is how many of these comments were personal swipes at Steve Evans, whom I’ve never met. Sir, you made this possible.

  16. The real genius of gst is reading the comment in the context of the original thread. I mean, it’s fun to see them all here all at once but the true joy is reading it in real time.

  17. gst is Hitler.

  18. Thanks for a great review.

  19. I have always liked the BR tatoo remark.

    He is one funny guy

  20. My favorite gst comment was when he checked in from general priesthood meeting on his blackberry to notify us all that Sunday School had been abolished and the meeting block reduced to two hours. The man is a prophet, I tell you!

  21. I have tears in the corners of my eyes from laughing so hard.

  22. I love it: the bloggernaccle equivalent of What the Smith Boys Said This Year. We just need an annegb aggregate to go with it.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  23. no outing people, please.

  24. Steve, I appreciate it, but I don’t mind. You can restore Ken J.’s comment, if possible. (FYI, I let him win. You hear that Ken?! I let you win! Comfortably!)

  25. Sure, you’re a big man when you’re murdering hobos, but you can’t even take one scrawny computer programmer?

  26. Yay, gst. You’re living proof that less-than-full-onymous commenters have lots of great stuff to say.

    It’s also good to be reminded that the Strengthening the Commenters Committee is looking out for all of us.

  27. cantinflas says:

    You missed one of my favorite gst comments.

    At Nine Moons in the beard/no beard discussion, in response to someone pointing out that their bishop had a full goatee:

    “he probably has a hairlip exemption, a special dispensation. Ask to see his card.”

  28. Does he get a prize or a statue or something?

  29. I had my wisdom teeth out today, and it hurts to smile, let alone laugh. But I’m finding myself doing it anyway, and I’m not sorry- maybe it’s just the Vicodin, but this is great stuff.

  30. Mike Parker says:

    My wife just said something very serious to me. I don’t know what it was, because I was only half listening to her while simultaneously reading from my laptop. Just as she got to the end of her serious point, I read “I’m not even sure where I would find people to date at this stage of my life.” Now my wife thinks I was laughing hysterically at her serious, serious point.

    Thanks, gst.

    Now, where’s that Ensign issue on divorce?

  31. S. P. Bailey says:

    gst: thanks for the wit. (Any chance you might do some vicarious windbag-deflating work for and in behalf of the proxy baptism thread?)

  32. Jon in Austin says:

    Unbelievable.

    No, magnanimous. With a phenominal to boot.

  33. so funny!

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