Howdy! Remember back when we used to gather around, in the warm glow of the monitor, discussing the relative merits of funeral potatoes and Trunk ‘r Treat as cultural markers of Mormonism. Good times, good times.
Well, I went on vacation to the land of intermittent internet and none of the lazy slackers around here could be bothered to keep the dad-burned thing going. Don’t worry, I won’t whine about it or badmouth my cobloggers, no sirree! I’ll just get back to this time-consuming, back-breaking labor instead of writing my dissertation and feeding my family so that you people can have your fun.
When last we gathered round the board, these were our winners:
#1 Arnold Friberg, #2 The Christus, #14 Short-sleeved shirts with ties, #4 The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, #5 Large Families, #11 The Mission Field = Not Utah, #10 Johnny Lingo, and #8 For the Strength of Youth. Regarding these results, all I can say is, Bloggernacle you ugly, come down out of that tree or I will beat you with a stick.
Today’s competitions will be between:
#1 The Angel Moroni vs. #16 Martinelli’s for Toasts
#1: The Angel Moroni is the most ubiquitous, uniquely LDS symbol. It is found on temples and it is found on ties.
#16: Hey, would you like to experience the thrill and excitement of opening up a bottle of bubbly on New Year’s while not having to deal with an embarassing confession to the bishop later in the week? Have I got a drink for you! Sure it us usually considered de classe to have to twist off the top, but it is the thought that counts.
#2 Green Jello vs. #15 Michael McLean
#2: Green Jello, how do I love thee? Usually with carrots, in salad form.
#15: Michael McLean wrote several songs and several LDS videos designed to help people understand and join the church. Just remember, you’re not…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………alone.
#3 Ken Jennings vs. #14 Asking out with elaborate clues/scavenger hunts
#3: Ken Jennings won a lot of money on some show somewhere. I’d remember more about it, I am sure, if I wasn’t bitter that they haven’t called me back.
#12: Apparently, stalking one’s potential future spouse, breaking into their apartment, vandalizing their stuff, and making them jump through a thousand hoops in order to get them to check yes or no is attractive. Who knew?
#4 Harry Anderson vs. #13 HBLL Hawaii Five-O
#4: Harry Anderson is not LDS (He’s actually a Seventh-day Adventist). Nonetheless, the Church hired him to paint several images for us and they have become iconic.
#13: When the Harold B Lee Library is getting ready to close, they used to play the Hawaii Five-O theme song in order to drive the students out. They have since expanded their repertoire, with my favorite being a rousing rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In.”
#5 The Cultural Hall vs. #12 Gladys Knight
#5: LDS meetinghouses all come equipped with a gigantic hall, which operates as a basketball court, reception hall, overflow area, greet place to take rowdy children during sacrament meeting, and audience seating should road shows ever come back. Apparently, they’ve been around since Nauvoo. Behold, the cultural hall!
#6 3 Nephite Stories vs. #11 Handcart Reenactments
#6: One time, I was driving up I-80 and I picked up a hitchhiker (which I don’t normally do). He asked me if I had my food storage ready and when I said, “kinda,” he said to have it ready by April Conference. When I turn to him to ask why, he was gone, leaving behind only a triple combination with a ribbon marking D&C 1:38.
#11: Bishop, I’ve been thinking about a way to help our youth. Let’s take them up to Wyoming (or Temple, AZ or Ocala, FL) and make them push handcarts around, mimicking the actions of a group of saints who endured horrible events back in the day. To make it more “realistic” we could put them into family groups and have a member “die” on the night before the last day. That won’t be creepy or manipulative at all; I can hardly wait for the testimony meeting afterwards.
#7 Dancing Book of Mormon length apart vs. #10 Lock Your Heart
#7: Remember back when the Church used to sponsor youth dances? Remember how they used to tell you to keep at least Book of Mormon distance apart from your date while dancing? Remember how you calculated that to be height, not width or length? Man, you are old!
#10: President Kimball asked the missionaries to keep the romance a post-mission activity. Thousands of Russian parents of cute daughters would later come to hate President Kimball.
#8 Dale Murphy vs. #9 Dear John Letters
#8: Dale Murphy (who was a two-time MLB MVP) will never be in the Baseball Hall of Fame, which is a crying shame. Not because he is the only (active) LDS player who may have a shot. Not because he is a genuinely nice person by all accounts. Because he played for my favorite team growing up and he was all I had! So there!
#9: Dear John Letters have inspired thousands of missionaries to take President Kimball’s Lock your Heart talk more seriously. Thank you, o straying, back-home significant others, for helping those missionaries keep their mind on their task and not on why you left them for some RM who came home a month ago.