I remember when I was in seminary, and the teacher would ask a question, and one of the students would give a thoughtful answer, and she would say it was wrong because it wasn’t what was in the book. She wouldn’t actually listen to what they said; if it wasn’t the preordained answer, it was wrong. Drove me batty.

If you ask a question, ask to receive an answer, not to make a point; listen to that answer; and don’t keep asking if the teenager doesn’t want to answer or you will never get answers to any of your questions.

This is my worst pet peeve in Sunday School. When adults ask other adults questions to make a point, or when they’re looking for one specific thing and no other answer will do. And then I also hate when the teacher asks something so ridiculously obvious like “So, was Nephi born of goodly parents?” And no one answers because it’s too ridiculous, which creates an uncomfortable and equally ridiculous silence. But the teacher just waits for someone to say yes.
No wonder teenagers hate it. It makes me crazy just writing it.

I had a son go through a similar situation. Contact me privately at kfolkman (at) gmail (dot) com, and I’ll share our experience with him. We made some breakthroughs, but it didn’t fix everything.

Here’s a question to ask them for me– what a bright, creative kid who hates school and has no motivation on his own? Has no idea what he wants to do in life, and doesn’t see any point in school. What do the parents do? Let him fail and be in summer school the rest of his life? Nag like crazy? (This is my youngest. We got his PSAT scores, which were in the mid-90th percentile, in the mail, the same day we got the notice that he had Ds in two classes last fall)We have a mostly good relationship I think– in fact my friends have commented on how much more I know about his goings on than they know about their own kids– but he just doesn’t seem to even try at school. So I’m asking here. Back in high school, I remember I had a list of stuff I’d made myself that adults should understand about teenagers, but unfortunately lost it, somewhere, and not sure it covered this issue anyway.

I do remember two rules, which I think that are still very good, and I try to follow them:
1. Hair really doesn’t matter. Don’t fight that battle with your kid. (And then a few years ago, my kids got buzz cuts. Buzz cuts are what poor farm kids had where I grew up. Bugged the heck out of me. But I kept shut up about it.)

2. Being too strict can be just as bad as being not strict enough. (But as a parent, I’ve figured out that it can be awfully hard to tell whether you’re hitting the right place on the scale. )

Less reflective students are more likely to spell out demands: pay us for our work, don’t set curfews. I got some of those and didn’t include them here. (I also got items directly aimed at current teachers, like ‘Don’t talk too loudly.’)

This class has a core of 5 kids who are intensely thoughtful and proactive. They approached me about their issues with their incompetent teacher, and I was their secret advisor. It was extraordinary experience; I’d like to write a novella about it, actually. But that couplet about authority and being patronizing was written by a girl who will probably be in the news someday in her home country.

Matt W: I teach at an international school in Helsinki, Finland. Our school is made up of children of diplomats and international business people (mostly Nokia). There is a lot of money, but embassy employees are usually solid middle class. Many of our students go to school in the UK: St Andrews, London School of Econ, Exeter and the occasional Oxbridge. Our American kids go to state Us or smaller privates, like Georgetown or Vassar. We have 2 guys going to MIT this year. It is not your average bunch of kids, for sure.

Now, I think my wife is a great teacher (grin), but it is surprising to see this list, and recognize that with most of her students, she has this kind of relationship. I don’t think she would have articulated it the same way, but I will share this with her tonight.

Two points from this observation. First, the majority of her students would not be considered high achievers, driven by parents motivation, described more as fair to good students, with a few excellent students. They want and more importantly respond to the kinds of mutual respect described here. Second, I really believe that my wife’s faith and background in the church has helped her to more easily develop this kind of relationship in the classroom. She exercises the same kinds of techniques and practices in her work with the YW of our ward, and gets the same kinds of response. It’s definitely based in understanding that these kids are children of our Heavenly Father, and she loves them. It shows both at school and at church.

Let’s not assume that only the best and brightest think this way, but that most students will respond to and expect this kind of mutual respect.