There once was a sister missionary from Nantucket

A post over at the Juvenile Instructor is causing me to reflect on that most juvenile of poetic forms: the limerick. This has led me to write a couple of very bad limericks (inspired by our intrepid leader). They are both very bad. Keep that in mind.

Joseph Smith is now known as a Mormon
He told us all God was a ‘fore man
So swallow your pride
In your newly won bride
Prophet Joseph tells you to take four, man!

It is well known that Mormons love weddings
More peculiar’s the state of their beddings
While fashioned with silk
And cloths of that ilk
They’re best known for their multiple headings

That’s right. Cheap polygamy jokes that don’t even necessarily make sense find in limericks the perfect vehicle.

I say why limit this bounteous pleasure to myself. I invite all to post Mormon-themed limericks to their hearts content (just don’t actually mention Nantucket, if you know what I mean; we’s a family blog).

Comments

  1. To avoid taxing the youngling JI server, I’ll reprint my epic ode here for all:

    There once was a prophet named Mormon,
    With gold plates (tho he was a poor man),
    When his people were slain,
    He wept not in vain,
    Cuz he followed the plan God was formin’.

    GENIUS!!

  2. Another for your reading pleasure:

    Lehi, it is known, lived in tents
    In the which there were cut several rents
    for the raw meat they ate
    was most often third rate
    which resulted in bodily vents.

  3. a random John says:

    There once was a Saint from Nantucket,
    Who told Brigham Young he could s*** it
    He was sent to Mesquite,
    With his thirst solely piqued,
    But the well had a very dry bucket.

  4. An old polyg father named Heber
    Had a fifteenth wife hiding near Weber.
    Old Heber was broke
    And of the wife spoke,
    I lub her, but I’d sure as hell leab her!

  5. And another:

    At a party to Jesus was water
    brought instead of stuff that had ought’er.
    In a flash it was wine
    the true fruit of the vine
    and Disciples all over were blotter’d

  6. Mark Brown says:

    Brigham Young was the Lion of Judah
    To the gentiles, he couldn’ta been rudah
    He got out of the States,
    said “This is the place”,
    and founded the great state of Udah

  7. There once was a man named Steve
    Who promissed last New Years Eve
    To dare not to vent
    on By Common Consent
    That’s one I’ll never believe.

    or, more Mormon

    The once was a Mormon bloke
    Who thought it a funny joke
    When his soon to be bride
    In whom he had much pride
    Left him cause he sipped on a Coke.

  8. Kyle, that’s brilliant work!

  9. Thanks. I wish my wife appreciated my limmericks as much. ;-)

  10. Kevin Barney says:

    I once did my whole family Christmas letter in limericks.

  11. Kevin Barney says:

    There once was a Mormon named Mitt
    Who was presidentially fit
    But Christian ire
    soon doused that fire
    til the fan got hit by the … shaving cream.

  12. There once was a place called the ‘Naccle,
    Where thoughtful issues we sought to tackle.
    All night and all day
    We debated the gray
    And decided that nothing was facile.

  13. This won 2nd place in a Fort Worth Star-Telegram limerick contest, published 3/18/07:

    I’ve heard about Rudy’s love life
    And McCain’s former marital strife
    Of the top GOPs
    One of life’s ironies
    It’s the Mormon with only one wife

  14. NoCoolName_Tom says:

    I’m having trouble with these. This is all I could come up with:

    There was a {societal niche}
    Who {action of humorous pitch}
    {These lines interact}
    {Although quite compact}
    {And thus you have limericks.}

    Now I just need to fill in the blanks.

  15. A fellow we know named Moroni,
    Was aware of the mote in his own eye.
    He warned all not to mock
    Of his words we take stock
    And that’s how we know Gigiddoni.

  16. There once was a blog we all know
    ‘Twas blessed with a spritual glow
    but the permas, they sinned
    and the comments, they thinned
    When limericks took over the show.

  17. Kevin: Awesome!

  18. People! These are warming the cockles of my heart. Please keep them coming!

  19. NoCoolName_Tom says:

    On the ship Nephi’s brothers were jerking
    So the ball with the pointers stopped working
    Having no GPS
    They though it was best
    To put up with their bro and his smirking.

    The people of Alma did go-a
    To try to escape bad King Noah
    But they found a bad end
    When they ran into his friends
    But eventually salvation did know-a.

  20. Mark Brown says:

    A blogger by the name of John C.
    tried to get us all banned from BCC
    with limericks and verse
    which couldn’t be worse
    We do it cuz we love you John, see?

  21. Oh, why not!

    There once was a blog in the ‘Naccle
    with minds like the teeth of a jackal
    to be learned is good
    if you hang in this hood
    So read to avoid a debacle!

  22. This thread makes us each a canard
    But to place blame shouldn’t be hard
    We’re using new media
    And we got the idea
    From one M. Russell Ballard

    – Anonymous BYU-H Student

  23. There once was a Bishop from Kent,
    with five years of service he’d spent,
    He had hoped for reprieve,
    but instead of a leave,
    They made him the Stake President!

  24. Inspired by a great Mormon man:

    A man avoids his dissertation.
    But he’s not filled with trepidation,
    He frolics with glee!
    Who needs a Ph. D ?!?
    The Post Office’s a fine vocation.

    (some liberties taken)

  25. Left Field says:

    There once was a saint named Golden
    His tongue he loved to embolden
    He said damn, he said hell
    His legend we tell
    But he’s a relict of a time that is olden

  26. Just shoot me now.

  27. There once was a blogger named Evans
    Whose poetry stank to the heavens
    But he asked for some verse
    Didn’t think there’d be worse
    And by now, there’s at least twenty-seven.

  28. Kaimi,

    Awesome! You trumped us all, and dissed Steve at the same time!

  29. Damn spell check. My last effort should have card in the first line, not canard.

  30. MikeInWeHo says:

    There once was a good boy from Orem,
    Who loved his mom’s hats,
    He adored ‘em.

    He tried them all on,
    ‘til one day he was gone.

    Now he’s ex-Mo, a homo in WeHo!

  31. Steve Evans says:

    Oh Mike.

  32. Mike,

    That tops kaimi’s!

  33. There was an apostle named Talmage
    ‘gainst JFS he warmly did savage
    “Adam’s altar”, he said,
    “is full of crustaceans, all dead!”
    And thus evolution did salvage

  34. Dedicated to all the bandidos down south:

    En México también poetamos
    Hay tantos mormones aquí que sobramos
    Los yanquis piensan
    Que nuestras mamitas existen
    Solo por cocinar enchiladas y tacos

  35. Not particularly Mormon, but not off-topic.
    I didn’t write this; I read it when I was a kid in a Reader’s Digest anthology.

    God’s plan had a hopeful beginning
    But man spoiled his chances by winning
    We trust that the story
    Will end in God’s glory
    But at present, the other side’s winning.

  36. “poetar” es un verbo…I swear it…

  37. #30 – Mike, I was laughing at all the others, but yours is pure brilliance.

  38. There once was a young Molly Mormon
    Who knew all foods she should storm ‘em.
    She stored wheat and rice;
    She didn’t think twice,
    Though she only would eat them in boredom.

  39. An obnoxious Elder named Chisum
    Thought all the coeds would kiss him,
    If only he’d ask
    In their beauty to bask.
    They all laughed and simply did diss him.

  40. Oh, man. The tears are flowing now, I’m laughing so hard…

    There once was a woman named Sue
    Who bypassed the “Y” for the “U”
    Her parents did cry
    Can’t stop wondering why
    Their daughter refused to wear blue.

    [okay, that was lame. How about this one?]

    A mother, she heard Sister Beck
    And wondered aloud “What the heck?!”
    Now she protests in word —
    Many backers incurred!
    But bloggers debate still unchecked.

  41. There was an RM with strong urges
    Who tried to control hormonal surges.
    He talked to his father
    Who told him, “Why bother?
    Just marry. Your urges it merges.”

  42. There once was a blogger named Steve
    Who told all the trolls just to leave.
    He spent all his day
    Controlling bloggers like Ray.
    Soon they his omnipotence believed.

  43. There once was a man named Hugh Nibley
    Who spun ancient text rather glibly
    Who confirmed our suspicion
    Of the Trilateral Commission
    With apocryphal books of the Biblee

  44. There once was a man named J. Golden
    To indelicate phrase he’s beholden
    With works strong and true
    He denied the devil’s due
    In hell left he him the bag holdin’.

  45. There once was a shootist named Porter
    Who left Smith’s enemy list shorter
    But to all sins forgiv’n
    And fine eternal liv’n
    Bestowed on the rancorous torter

  46. Fine additions, David.

  47. Steve Evans says:

    Hear, hear. Nice handiwork David!

  48. Kevin Barney says:

    Feminist Mormon Housewives
    Lead very interesting lives.
    At home they won’t stay
    Barefoot in that way
    For which DH continually strives.

  49. Steve Evans says:

    (nods approvingly at Kevin)

  50. There once was a man from T Seasons
    Who thought that abortion was treason
    Prolific commented
    His friends all lamented —
    “How this topic now robs him of reason.”

  51. #48 & #50 – Wow.

  52. And some late entries from the other side of the world…

    There once was a blogger whose goal
    Was to save each and every soul
    At BCC but
    His mouth is now shut
    Since Steve told him, ‘Bye-bye you troll!’

    At FMH comments get snarky,
    And some think it’s all just malarky.
    But oh, don’t you worry–
    The permas will hurry
    To show it’s just more patriarchy.

  53. Sorry for the double post — to make up for it:

    There once was a man named McCruthy
    Who was Mormon but really in truth he
    Sometimes drank tea.
    So eternally
    He’s going to be a TK smoothie.

  54. That was a quick delete of the inadvertent soft porn reference! Impressive.

  55. Awesome, Norbert.

  56. It once was a husband presided
    In disputes with his wives he decided
    But the Manifesto
    Said of extra wives “No!”
    So a husband with one wife resided

    Then the husband of only one wife
    Held sway in their marital life
    When disputes arose
    It was he who chose
    And thus solved their marital strife

    Equal partnership now is advised
    But has counsel been really revised?
    The husband remains
    Presider, unchanged
    Is “equal” presiding disguised?

  57. I’m impressed, Ziff. A three verse limerick is a challenge.

  58. cantinflas says:

    In front of your computer you’re parked
    A debate in the ‘naccle you’ve sparked
    With yourself you are smitten
    To see what is written
    On Kurt’s website you may find yourself snarked.

  59. Okay, here goes (closes eyes and clicks button)…

    There once was an elder named Packer
    Who said hard rock music’s for slackers
    de Azevedo’s the leaven
    It’s the ticket to heaven
    For white and delightsome crackers

  60. MikeInWeHo says:

    re: 32 and 37
    Thanks, but I have been tormented in my spirit since yesterday because Orem and WeHo don’t rhyme.

    So, with all humility, please accept the New Revised Version:

    There once was a Deacon from Provo,
    Who adored his mom’s hats—
    And with gusto!

    He tried them all on,
    ‘Til the day she caught on.

    Now he’s ex-mo and gay in The Castro!

  61. not really Irma says:

    A ‘nacle newbie named Irma
    asked herself “what the heck is a perma?”
    so many strange terms!
    this weirdness confirms
    we are not always on terra firma

  62. Shiz was a bloke with a sword
    Who smote well but not for the Lord
    Coriantumr whacked
    His head truly cracked
    Shiz exhaled and declared, “I am floored!”

  63. For Kaimi:

    The music of Janice Kapp Perry
    Leaves me with feelings quite scary
    That if this is the best
    in sacred songs we’ve so stressed
    Then shoot me now, and my body please bury

  64. I’ve been reading these poems for a bit
    And now I am ready to admit
    That the ‘nacle is proof
    Since we haven’t gone *poof*
    That God must have a keen sense of wit

  65. There once was a Frank McIntyre
    Who for babies was looking a buyer
    We could use extortion
    Instead of abortion
    If the kid could send cash via wire

  66. Eric Russell says:

    Some coincidence that this post would come up next to one about banned characters. It was in fact Prudence McPrude who wrote the limerick that set off one of the nacle’s greatest firestorms, most of which was later deleted.

  67. The Catholics, they all go to mass
    The Mormons, we all go to class.
    The three hour block
    Makes my brain like a rock,
    And sitting that long hurts my *

    * – sorry

  68. Everywhere went a young man named Henry,
    Who since birth could not use his memory,
    He lived many lives,
    Then had many wives,
    Was arrested, for fraud and polygamy.

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