Home teacher an incessant nuisance, says pet-allergic apostle

Submitted by Fake Elder Wirthlin. Fake Elder Wirthlin is most definitely not an apostle.

When Latter-day Saint home teachers go to visit Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve, they usually do not take The 5 Browns to perform live in a family’s living room.

But for Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve and his home teacher, Skip Daynes, visits like these are common occurrences.

Daynes has shown up at Elder Wirthlin’s Salt Lake City home with musicians The Crimson 4, Josh Wright and The Call Sisters.

“Good gravy,” says FEW, “it takes guts to invite complete strangers — cheap Breinholdt wannabes, to boot — over to a general authority’s house. To say it is ‘a different kind of thing’ is an understatement. The phrase ‘complete lack of social grace’ also springs to mind.”

But even when there aren’t any musicians performing for Elder Wirthlin, Daynes, who has been Elder Wirthlin’s home teacher for two years, makes an effort to visit the 91-year-old a couple of times each week, along with taking him to church every Sunday.

“He comes by multiple times every week. I’m an old man and a general authority of one of the biggest non-mainstream Christian religions in the world. I just want a nap. And I only live a block from Church, and believe me — they’ll wait for me to get started. At least he isn’t pushing Amway, I guess,” FEW said.

And although Daynes does have a home teaching companion from his Bonneville Ward in the Salt Lake Bonneville Stake, he often takes his Golden Retriever Colonel, who is a member of Intermountain Therapy Animals, along for the visits.

“I like dogs just fine, except for the drool and the breath and the pet dander that gives me hives I can’t scratch because of sciatica and arthritis. Of course the dog immediately wanders across my carpet and put its head on my lap. Just thinking about it is giving me welts. So I just clench my teeth in anguish — most people call that the ‘little Wirthlin smile’ — while my face starts to redden from allergens.”

But Daynes said that he simply wants to repay Elder Wirthlin for everything he has done, and felt like his call to home teach Elder Wirthlin has been a great opportunity to do so.

“I’m paying a little bit back to what this marvelous man has given,” Daynes said.

Comments

  1. What the?

  2. The Sugar Beet lives!

  3. Paging Pardis Arshall…

  4. This is really funny…

  5. ?

  6. Any relation to Lars Glenson?

  7. ditto 1 & 5

  8. The original article was a bit odd but touching. Why the cut-and-paste parody? The quotes put in Elder Wirthlin’s mouth are SO inconsistent with the message of his last talk.

  9. Pardis Arshall says:

    I think I saw Bro. Daynes helping Fake Elder Wirthlin across the street the other day. Fake Elder Wirthlin was screaming for help and flailing away with his cane. I think he didn’t WANT to cross the street. But, dagnabit, a good home teacher helps old men across streets and Bro. Daynes wasn’t a-gonna fall short in his duties!

  10. Peter LLC says:

    The original article was a bit odd but touching. Why the cut-and-paste parody? The quotes put in Elder Wirthlin’s mouth are SO inconsistent with the message of his last talk.

    Now here is a comment I don’t get.

  11. Yes! Good to see you, Pardis.

  12. “The quotes put in Elder Wirthlin’s mouth are SO inconsistent with the message of his last talk.”

    Good heavens, you mean a parody puts words in people’s mouths that are inconsistent with what they really said? Ray, never let it be said that humor is lost on you.

  13. Patrick B says:

    Now here you have someone who enjoys his responsibility to home teach, and yes, he gets to home teach a general authority. But what if he got to home teach normal everyday people and still did the same kinds of things?? Would it make the news?? Would you be making fun of him?? I just have to say that you amaze me, and not in a good way…. :)

  14. StillConfused says:

    Okay, so I had to go read the other article but, dang, this is actually very funny!!!

  15. Pardis Arshall says:

    Fake Elder Daynes shows up with his junior companion to teach Fake Patrick B.

    FED: “Humor left at the door?”

    jr: “Check.”

    FED: “Stick up butt?

    jr: “Check.”

  16. OK, so the link wasn’t working earlier and I didn’t get the joke. That article from Mormon Times is almost as disturbing as this one. Kudos.

  17. I think we have a site for you, Guest. Too bad it’s been mired for so long…

    http://theironicpriesthood.wordpress.com/

  18. Without the link to the framing article, this reads kind of Kaufman-esque.

    Bizarre? Check.

    Funny? Check. But why? How?

  19. You know, I’m not much of a home teacher. But at least I’m not a press informant.

  20. You know, until I got to the part with the comments from the relative, I really thought the article was sort of a violation of privacy, and also a bit creepy — “Look at me, I’m an apostle’s home teacher, aren’t I swell?” I guess it must have gotten someone’s OK, though.

    I giggled when I read this, anyway. I’d be all “my crazy home teacher keeps bringing this animal over… I have a deathly fear of dogs but I really don’t want to make him feel bad, especially because who knows how long it’ll be till they release him,” myself. But I dislike dogs, particularly big slobbery ones, a lot. And I’m sort of antisocial — a home teacher that came over three times a week would drive me batty.

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