Police Beat Roundtable #1

Welcome to the first installment of Police Beat Roundtable, where an invited panel convenes via instant message to review selected items culled from the “Police Beat” column in BYU’s student newspaper, The Daily Universe.

Today’s panel includes Steve Evans and GST (both BYU men), and Cynthia, for an outsider’s perspective.

All items are taken verbatim from “Police Beat.”

June 2. A blind deer was found by a resident at the Wymount Terrace. Provo Animal Control was called and they came and took care of the animal. They knew it was blind because it was running into things.

Cynthia: Maybe it was drunk?

June 4. An adult male and a 15-year-old female were arrested for shoplifting in the BYU Bookstore. They tried to take a package of $7.99 Rook cards. They are both non-students. They were caught by floor walkers and will be charged in court with retail theft. They just wanted to play the game but did not want to pay for cards, police said.

Steve: I’ve played Rook, and would kill a hobo to do so again. SET THE JUNE 4 MARTYRS FREE!

May 27. Someone called in about a suspicious male in the WSC. The suspect had long, blonde hair and a goatee. It turned out he had lost his camera and came in to see if it was brought to the Lost & Found, police said.

GST: This is one of my favorite Police Beat themes, the “suspicious male.” It means anyone that doesn’t look like Donny Osmond.

Steve: “Lost” his “camera,” indeed. I hope they tarred and feathered that Nelson wanna-be.

GST: Nelson? Nelson Muntz? Horatio Nelson? Which do you mean?

Steve: Nelson, as in the pseudo-rockers from the 90s?

Cynthia: GST, get with the program, the long, blond hair Nelson!

GST: Sorry.

Steve: Seriously, LOSER. Prolly thought I meant Russell M.

Cynthia: I like how he turned out to be innocent, yet this piece still refers to him as “the suspect.”

May 31. A student called and reported suspicious behavior at 11 p.m.. A car had been running around the law school parking lot for 30 minutes, police said. When the officer arrived the male explained he was teaching his girlfriend how to drive.

Cynthia: Teaching her how to “drive,” wink wink.

Steve: The price of a well-maintained night time parking lot is eternal vigilance. I applaud that 11 p.m. phone call. Probably saved that young man’s chastity.

June 30. A man was seen dangling his feet over the edge of the roof atop the Spencer W. Kimball Tower. The man was asked to not dangle his feet over the edge for his own safety and he complied.

Steve: SWKT foot-dangling is not in the Bill of Rights.

June 30. Police followed up on a report of people being loud at 11:30 p.m. at Wymount Terrace. The loud people were asked to be quiet.

GST: “This is Provo, people. 11:30. Pack it up.”

Cynthia: But what if they cannot modulate the volume of their voices?

Steve: My favorite Police Beats are these chiasmus-y ones. Report of people being loud : loud people asked to be quiet.

April 11. BYU police received a call that four male students were using the Helaman Halls pool even though it was not open yet. When the police officer arrived he was able to locate the students because they were the only students walking home wet.

Steve: Stupendous deduction Holmes!!

Cynthia: Yeah, guy shouldn’t brag about that one….

April 9. A female student called her own cell phone after she discovered that it was missing. A person she did not know picked up the phone and refused to return it to her. The thief is now sending her friends text messages and sending them on erroneous “missions” to recover the phone. Her phone has not yet been recovered.

Steve: Sounds like someone is trying to date said female student.

Cynthia: Yes, marriage proposal gone wrong.

GST: Here’s what I don’t get: The phone thief is texting her friends, posing as the owner, asking for help in finding her phone.

Cynthia: No, I think the friends know the message is from the thief.

Steve: Where do you get this “posing as the owner” bit?

GST: If I got a text message from you that said, “Will U go to WILK and C if you can find my phone,” I would respond, “Look in your hand, jackass.”

Steve: Objection – assumes facts not in evidence.

Cynthia: trudat

GST: Look, I made some reasonable assumptions based on what I was told.

Steve: Don’t get defensive because a corporate lawyer schooled the long-time litigator;
it’s just Police Beat!

Cynthia: I school all y’all.

April 10. A BYU Bookstore employee was suspicious of a male shopper who tried to return two French books without an ID or a receipt. After being questioned, BYU police determined that the student’s brother-in-law had bought the books for the student to take on his mission. The student did not want them and was trying to return them.

Cynthia: And the crime is?

GST: No receipt!

Cynthia: So, dude, I returned like $400 of wedding presents to Crate & Barrell. Those people gave us some much needed cash to get us started in life.

GST: If you didn’t have a receipt, you are worse than Manson.

Steve: If you do not have a receipt, you may as well be Karadzic hawking some natural therapies to hide from genocide courts.

GST: Agreed.

April 11. Someone stole 1,000 square feet of sod from west of Helaman Halls. Police have no suspects.

Steve: What the … ?

Cynthia: Whoa.

Steve: Can’t they dust the, er, dust?

Cynthia: Look for someone who looks plausibly like a landscaper.

GST: They should get wet guy cop to identify the dudes with dirt all over them.

April 13. Police questioned several students as to why they were looking in the windows of the Cannon Center. The students said that they thought they saw someone in the Cannon Center stealing school property, but when they got closer, they realized it was the reflection of the streetlights.

Steve: PHEW!

April 14. A student called BYU Police when she saw a creepy looking person smoking by the Administration Building.

GST: Smoking=creepy.

Steve: Turns out, it was Mickey Rourke.

GST: That would be awesome. I love Mickey Rourke.

Steve: What’s not to love?

–Cynthia is silent. Her lust for Rourke burns within.

Cynthia: “Rourke” too hard to pronounce; not a fan.

April 8. The father of a student called BYU police when he had not heard from his daughter for four days. BYU police called the student and told her to call her father.

GST: Another classic Police Beat theme: “Not Ready for College.”

Steve: That’s not “Not Ready for College,” that’s TOTALLY READY FOR COLLEGE.

Cynthia: But who is “not ready for college”–I think the dad, not the girl.

(deep)

Steve: Way to kick it up a notch, SB2.

Cynthia: No prob. That’s what I bring to the table–I’m the intellectual. GST is the pragmatist. Steve is the jester.

Steve: You’re the equivalent of our lace centerpiece.

GST: Steve is the Canadian.

Cynthia: Well, that is synonymous.

GST: He brings a certain maply goodness to the table. I’ve never met Steve, so in my mind I picture him as Red Green.

Steve: Not far off. Picture William Shatner in the Red Green Show.

April 4. A Wymount resident tried to call the police after she and her husband got into a fight and she felt threatened. Her husband ripped the phone out of the wall and ran into the bathroom threatening to do damage to himself with a knife. BYU police responded and the man was arrested on counts of threatening with a deadly weapon and interrupting a communications device.

Steve: LOLZ on the secondary charge.

GST: Yes, are they going to charge the cell phone thief with that too?

Steve: Good heavens won’t someone PLEASE think of the phones!

That charge goes way back to British common law, when they would prosecute the hapless Polynesians would would accidentally cut the string ‘twixt the coconut husks.

GST: I do recall that. Holmes had a chapter on it.

April 4. BYU Math Teaching Assistants called BYU police to report a male student who had repeatedly threatened them. The student said he would pull out a female TA’s hair with duct tape and would stab another TA’s foot with a thumb drive to infect him with a deadly virus. BYU police are questioning the individual.

GST: This is a puzzlement. I do think that he was threatening to infect the fellow with a computer virus.

Steve: THUMB DRIVE.
That’s all I can say about that.

Cynthia: So, the guy who breaks the phone gets a bunch of charges, and the guy who wants to torture TAs gets “questioning the individual.”

GST: Seems right.

Steve: Since when is torturing TAs against the honor code?

April 1. BYU police discovered several students from NewsNet trespassing in the Deseret Towers demolition site. The student said they had heard U Hall was going to be blown up and were waiting to witness it. When the officer asked them to tell him the date the students realized they were the victims of an April Fool’s Day prank.

Steve: P0WN3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cynthia: If the building were to be blown up, wouldn’t that be even LESS reason to be in the construction area, not more?

GST: Now, as I understand it, NewsNet is the BYU news service that does the Daily Universe, some TV, and the internet news. So credit to them for faithfully pointing themselves out to be idiots in Police Beat.

April 8. A 6-year-old boy called the police when his 9-year-old brother would not let him watch television. BYU police checked the situation to make sure the boys were supervised. Both boys were fine.

GST: Both boys WERE NOT fine. 6 year-old couldn’t watch television!

Steve: Res ipsa, baby. Throw the 9-year old into County lockup. There’s a reason 8 is called the “Age of Accountability.”

Cynthia: I see the parents are doing a good job grooming those kids to be BYU students someday. Requirements to get into BYU: (1) good SAT scores; (2) good grades; (3) propensity to call the police for every little thing.

March 20. BYU police responded to a report of graffiti on the north side of the Morris Center. Upon investigation, they discovered that the graffiti is affiliated with an extreme political group from India. They immediately removed the graffiti.

Steve: Hmmm, extreme political group from India. As in, the Dalai Lama?

Cynthia: That seems like clever guerrilla marketing on the part of BYU–making themselves look more international than they really are.

March 20: A mother was walking through the Wilkinson Student Center when she noticed a male BYU student following her. When she stopped walking, he approached her and touched her children’s legs. She called BYU police and they questioned the student who admitted to harassing mothers and their children in the past. He said he would try not to bother mothers again.

GST: “So long as you say so, mac! On your way!”

Steve: Try not. Do. Where do not, there is no try [to stop harassing mothers and their children].

Cynthia: Steve, Steve, Steve… Do not mangle Star Wars quotes, for I shall hurt you.

March 21. BYU police received a call reporting a male dressed in a bright yellow suit looking for duck eggs near the duck pond. When police arrived as the scene the man was nowhere to be found.

Steve: Mysterious duck-man vanishes! Call Elder Mulder and Sister Scully!

March 22: An employee from the Creamery on Ninth called BYU police when she saw several students eating brownies they had not paid for. After questioning the individuals, they determined that the students had been given permission to eat the day-old brownies free of charge.

Steve: You’d better DAMN WELL have Creamery permission, or it is your ASS!

March 11. A BYU police officer observed a 25-year-old male stumbling across a parking lot near LaVell Edwards Stadium. The man, who smelled of alcohol, said he had not been drinking but when officers asked if he was lying he said yes. The man was cited for public intoxication and is not a BYU student.

GST: He fell for the old cop “Are you lying?” trick.

Steve: Officer Svengali was able to wrest the truth.

“I haven’t been drinking.”

“Are you lying?”

“Yes.”

March 12. A male student posted fliers in female dorm halls asking for dates to satisfy a dating requirement for his marriage preparation class. The fliers not only violate BYU policy but were disturbing female residents. Police discovered that the student was not enrolled in that class and the professor he said he had has retired.

GST: Ok, that was me.

Steve: Question: What policy did it violate?

Cynthia: Question: Did anyone actually believe this was a legitimate homework assignment long enough to do all that research re: enrollment and the prof?

Steve: I’ve dated women who beguiled me with even phonier schemes.

March 15: A resident of Heritage Halls called BYU police to report a group of men playing basketball and listening to loud music at 12:30 a.m. BYU police told the men to stop playing and go to bed.

Cynthia: Is that an order?

GST: What I like about this one is that the men weren’t just ordered to disperse. They were told to go to bed.

Cynthia: Right.

Steve: All in the same bed.

Cynthia: Nope, same room, different bed. Check your mission rule book, Steve.

March 13: A female student was cited for shoplifting in the BYU Bookstore. The student stole $3.69 worth of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. When asked why she stole them she said that she thought they were overpriced. When searched officers found $72 in cash on her person.

Steve: Look, the cash she has is irrelevant. Reese’s ARE overpriced. You get very little for your money with those cups. They have gone down in size dramatically over the years, as have Wagon Wheels and Cadbury Creme Eggs. There is SCIENCE to back me up on this.

Cynthia: So if she had no cash on her, they would have let her go?

Steve: Those cups shrank faster than mine did after I stopped breastfeeding.

Cynthia: Note to editor: make sure the attribution of that last quote doesn’t mysteriously change in the editing process.

GST: Culling through two years of Police Beat convinced me that BYU Bookstore should zap these people with a cattle prod, drag them into a back room, and have Robert DeNiro ball peen hammer their shoplifting hands.

Steve: Zero tolerance!

March 14. A student called BYU police when she noticed three suspicious males walking around a parking lot. When police responded they determined that the suspicious males were actually grounds crew who had been picking up trash.

GST: More of those “suspicious males.”

Steve: We can’t go on together, with suspicious males.

March 5. Police responded when they discovered that a deer had caught its leg in an animal trap near the old visitors center. Officers freed the deer.

GST: Either the cops were wrong, or the trapper was wrong. But Police Beat doesn’t take sides.

Steve: What the hell is an animal trap doing at a visitor’s center!?

GST: I hope it was a big snappy bear trap.

Steve: Do they just leave bear traps open along the alumni gates?

Cynthia: Proof that we are a cult, alas–visitors come, but can never leave.

GST: What part of “Stay off the grass” didn’t you understand, punk?

Cynthia: Cougars don’t cut corners!

Steve: Not on the grass — right there on the welcome mat. Welcome back, [profanity]!!!!!
SNAP!

March 10. Officers responded when they received a call that an adult duck was placed in a female dorm in Helaman Halls. The officers captured the frightened duck and returned it to the duck pond.

Cynthia: But why is it important to the story that it is an ADULT duck?

Steve: Look, it was an adult duck, above the age of duck consent. I see no need to coddle it.
So long as it kept both duck feet on the ground at all times and the door was open, I see no problems.

March 9. Three BYU students were seen throwing two-liter bottles out of their third floor window in Helaman Halls. They confessed their behavior but said they were not trying to hit cars but were simply experimenting to determine how the water would splatter.

GST: You know, for science.

Cynthia: A new generation of Galileos. BYU should be proud.

Steve: What Police Beat fails to mention is that Bybee enhanced interrogation techniques were required to extract the confession. The water from the 2-liters came in handy.

March 7. A suspicious male was seen walking a dog near Wymount. When police responded neither the man nor the dog was present.

Steve: Maybe it was the Walking Man from Stephen King books.

GST: I’m guessing that here, “suspicious” equals “black.”

March 9. A male BYU student received a threatening text message indicating he would die. The student responded with a text message saying that he would take the sender of the text message with him. There are no known suspects.

GST: I love this guy.

March 9. BYU police pulled over a car for speeding. The driver had a suspended license. When he was tested for alcohol consumption BYU police determined that he was intoxicated. The driver admitted he had been drinking but said he drove because he was the least drunk off all of the people in the car. When tested, he had twice the legal limit amount of alcohol in his body.

GST: I love this guy too.

Cynthia: But why didn’t they test the others!?

February 29. BYU police received a call reporting a white male wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt walking around Maeser Hill hitting people. When officers responded, the suspicious male was not on the premises.

GST: I’m sure this fellow had his reasons.

Steve: BYU is like Deadwood, only completely lame.

February 8. Workers at the Cougareat called BYU police when they received a counterfeit $20 bill. Upon investigation it was determined that the bill was not counterfeit and was actual legal tender.

Cynthia: What can we possibly add to this?

Steve: It was the first time they’d seen a $20. Most people pay in seashells or in doubloons.

GST: “Yeah right, buddy, ‘Andrew Jackson’ was president of the United States.”

Cynthia: Hey check it–I need to get to class.

Steve: This whole THREAD has been class.

Comments

  1. Randy B. says:

    “Look in your hand, jackass.” — too funny!

    Great stuff, y’all!

  2. Steve, it takes a very culturally literate individual to know who Nelson was. Thank goodness those guys were bulldozed by the Seattle scene in the early nineties.

  3. Peter LLC says:

    it takes a very culturally literate individual to know who Nelson was

    +12. Mad props.

  4. Boy,

    Are there ever any serious things for the BYU PD to handle?

  5. Aaron Brown says:

    Steve, it’s “Do, or do not, there is no try.” Sheesh. And you call yourself a film aficionado. Yoda would beg to differ.

    AB

  6. A day without (Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection is like a day without sunshine.

  7. Two thumbs, way, way up!

  8. Word up Ellsworth, I got your number.

  9. Did this rock group you speak of command a fleet at Trafalgar? Was the band broken up by a well-placed shot from the topmasts of a French ship of the line?

  10. BYU- putting McCarthyism to shame. We’re watching YOU.

  11. gst, in an odd coincidence the answer to both of your questions is “yes.”

  12. Tracy, you might not want to judge a whole institution by picking the funniest cases off of its police blotter.

  13. Ya’ll missed the following from a recent issue of the DU, each worth highlighting:

    July 7
    The Daily Universe reported advertising space was stolen. The Daily Universe stands feature space for advertisting. A male and a female wre found covering paid advertisement space with advertisements from Sundance Ski Resort without previously paying for space.

    July 17
    A male student was cited for being disruptive in the library. The man was snarling and threatening library staff, claiming that he has received unsatisfactory service. The man has a history of this type of behavior.

    July 14
    A student recently received a death threat through an email stating that there was someone who hated her and wanted her dead. The e-mail was sent by the supposed assassin saying that unless she sent him $15,000, he would carry out the murder. The man committed extortion and made a terroristic threat. Threats of this nature have become more prevelent and are usually unfounded but are seriously investigated by BYU police.

  14. John C., note that this is #1 in a series!!

  15. bbell (4), I’m thinking the crazy young husband with the knife might have been serious. The toddler leg toucher too; he was creepy.

  16. “Steve: If you do not have a receipt, you may as well be Karadzic hawking some natural therapies to hide from genocide courts.”

    Funniest line of all.

  17. Jami, don’t forget the smoker.

  18. Not all that different from the Redmond, WA police blotter. To wit:

    Disturbing discovery: Two dead cats were found in the recycle bin at a home in the 2700 block of 186th Avenue Northeast. (They probably should have taken them to hazardous waste disposal instead)

    Quirky criminal: An unknown suspect entered an unlocked apartment in the 8500 block of Willows Road and stole two cameras, a camera charger and two vibrators. The suspect did not take an expensive laptop computer, purse, wallet with more than $100 and miscellaneous credit cards, which were in plain view. (Hmmmmmmmmmm)

    Unlawful entry: A resident reported that somebody entered her mobile home in the 11400 block of Avondale Road and sprayed a fire extinguisher into the home, leaving a powder residue. There was no forced entry, but the door was unlocked.

    (But no thanks for putting out the fire!)

  19. MikeInWeHo says:

    re: 4
    It’s probably like how they handle it at Disneyland, bbell; the seriously scary situations are cleaned up quickly and discretely and never make the school paper. A university as large as BYU must have its share of students who go psychotic, for example. Every bipolar or schizophrenic worth his salt flips out during the college years.

  20. By far, the drop-dead funniest entry this site’s produced. A virtual Provo <Mystery Science Theater 3000.

  21. Wow. Epic lulz here, people. Nice job all around. And they say Mormons have no sense of humor! Well, they’re apparently right about BYU Mormons. But Internet Mormons – it’s like an episode of Curb Your Testimony around here!

    Steve: BYU is like Deadwood, only completely lame.

    I think someone needs to write and film a Deadwood-at-BYU spoof, immediately!

  22. Kudos.

  23. Mark B. says:

    I don’t think, kevinf, that you should ever say “Hmmmmmmmmmmmm” in a story involving vibrators.

  24. Fruedian slip? :)

  25. Mike,

    I am pretty sure that there would be some domestic disturbances, rapes, maybe some muggings from time to time. The most common place for a LDS young adult to manifest mental illness is of course in the mission field. Everybody has got stories.

    When I go B&E I ignore the obvious cash, guns, electronics and go right for the adult toys of course. Maybe the thiefs wife was dissing his prowess?

  26. I am just relieved the girl’s dorm ducking was prevented.

    Lets give a celibatory shout!

  27. Cynthia L. says:

    #26 shout, lolz…

  28. Someone needs to write an article on the history of the “suspicious male” at BYU.

  29. Chad Too says:

    Absolutely the best! My roomies and I (way back when) used to sit around and poke fun at the blotter in a vein similar to this. The cattier the better. We called ourselves the Pickup Roundtable (not that we were great pickup artists, rather that the house we lived in was owned by a Mr. Pickup. He was at least 700 years old back in the early 90s. Rent was cheap, though).

    Thanks for bringing back memories! More please!

  30. I like to think the suspicious males are the three Nephites checking to see if we are ready for the 2nd coming.

    R&R: Not yet – the youth of the church are still to judgmental of strangers, and all we were doing was picking up trash.

  31. This is AWESOME
    I haven’t laughed this hard all week. I hope there are many more of these.
    Of course, i do wonder why I attended BYU, after reading this, but no one can go back, right?
    It’s almost like Mystery Science Theater.
    wow.

  32. My favorite comeback:

    Steve: We can’t go on together, with suspicious males.

  33. StillConfused says:

    #18″Quirky criminal: An unknown suspect entered an unlocked apartment in the 8500 block of Willows Road and stole two cameras, a camera charger and two vibrators. The suspect did not take an expensive laptop computer, purse, wallet with more than $100 and miscellaneous credit cards, which were in plain view. (Hmmmmmmmmmm)”

    So the person actually reported that two vibrators were stolen? Did she have to describe them? (Was it a she??)

  34. Steve Evans says:

    No. 18 should be an extra verse to the C+C Music Factory classic.

  35. Can we just note that the toddler-leg toucher ONLY promised to try to leave the MOTHERS alone, not the kids?????

  36. MikeInWeHo says:

    re: 25 That never occurred to me, but of course that would be where it tends to happen. I wonder if there is a Utah/SLC version of Jerusalem Syndrome?

  37. tisheli says:

    Wow – I needed that! As a former BYU Bookstore floor-walker, I liked the bookstore theft stories the best. So very true. Most of the shoplifting cases in the bookstore are pretty much like those listed here – petty to the point of ridiculousness. They make good ice-breaker stories now.

  38. Steve: I’ve dated women who beguiled me with even phonier schemes.

    Cops: Are you lying?

    Steve: Yes.

  39. Steve Evans says:

    hee!

  40. Mark IV says:

    Ahem. Some of the comments are pretty funny, too.

    I agree. The BYU police beat is a gold mine waiting to be worked.

  41. Let’s not forget that I used to derive comedic gold from the DU Police Beat here.

  42. You covered 5 months, and nary an inappropriate conduct in the library bathrooms in the bunch? Has BYU changed that much?

    Probably my all-time favorite “crime” from my BYU years was the man who was caught removing the recycle symbols from recycling bins around campus because he believed them to be the Mark of the Beast.

    Good times.

  43. #19 Well, I remember back 1997 there was a rash of rapes, and it was widely reported. I remember it very well because late one night my roommates and I heard a girl screaming, we charge out of our rooms half dressed (pygamas) wielding a baseball bat and a broom handle only to discover when the police arrived that a group of girls had been going around campus faking screams.

    I have seen a few serious things reported in the Police Beat- but interestingly none of my incidents ever were- that might be because they were not funny, and not dangerous, and did not depict the police in a very good light. (Tackling a man for limping, and then torturing him to get him to answer their questions- I was not happy).

  44. I’m laughing too hard to read – and I’m only halfway through.

  45. Thought I was halfway through; now am halfway through; need a drink to refill after crying as I laugh.

  46. Randall says:

    I wonder if the June 4th shoplifters perceived the inherent hypocrisy in stealing Rook Cards to avoid the “playing card prohibtion”.

    I’m surprised they didn’t also lift M&M’s to avoid using pennies for 5 card stud.

  47. Kevin Barney says:

    We’ve got a winner. This was side-splittingly funny, and all three of you were hilarious. A terrific new series is born! (What’s Friday Firestorm again?)

    I had a friend who was a BYU bookstore floorwalker, and he told me some of the tricks of the trade and war stories. That’s got to be a weird job.

  48. Why do these “BYU Students” feel the need to use offensive language? (A–, in case I’m the only one who finds that offensive) Are they members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If they are they are portraying a very poor image of the Lord’s church. While the clean stuff was funny the segments with profanity were totally unnecessary. That hardly qualifies as one of the ways in which Elder Ballard encouraged us to “join the conversation.”

  49. Frankly, the word assassin is twice as offensive as ass.

  50. Where’s a good post on the seductiveness of condemnation when you need it?

  51. Left Field says:

    In a dusty file somewhere, the BYU Police have a form I signed when they Mirandized me back in 1978. I wonder how they described that incident?

    I haven’t kept up with all the new buildings. What’s the WSC besides Weber State College?

  52. Steve Evans says:

    I never thought that this thread would result in someone getting banned, but there you have it!

  53. Kevin Barney says:

    Left Field, I assume WSC is Wilkinson Student Center.

  54. Cynthia L. says:

    #48–LOL! We’re making fun of the Daily Universe Police Beat, not Letters to the Editor section. Hold onto that thought, though! You’re absolutely pitch perfect for when we do make a thread about DU letters to the editor!

  55. Steve, please also ban those that point out that we stole this idea from them.

  56. That would result in banning a couple of my own permas, but agree — acceptable losses.

  57. Left Field says:

    Ah, that makes sense, Kevin. I guess they changed the name because they got tired of the old joke about ELWC being the Spanish name for the men’s room.

  58. Laughing this hard cannot be good for an old woman just before going to bed!

  59. Thank you all for enabling me to have some much needed hard laughter.

  60. Well, I know I’m still sad that the SFLC is now the JFSB.

    I still call it the SFLC, and greatly enjoy freshmen responses- I do a great “oblivious” act. (Seeing as it took me two years to figure out the joke myself it isn’t too hard).

  61. HiLARious.
    I vote for this format again sometime.

  62. Randall says:

    I wonder if our June 4th thieves recognized the hypocrisy of stealing Rook Cards to lend legitimacy to their evening of Texas Hold ‘Em.

    What, they didn’t also lift M&M’s so they wouldn’t need to use real quarters?

  63. This is great! Nothing could be more engrossing than these true life crime stories. Riveting!

  64. Left Field says:

    There’s a joke about the SFLC? I guess I’ll have to take a couple of years to figure that one out myself. But then I was in my late thirties before I became aware of the sophomoric humor surrounding Uranus, so it might take me awhile.

    I always wondered what caused them to put the H in JKB. Maybe there was a joke there, too.

  65. My all-time favotire:

    Oct. 11: Two large copper balls were stolen from the Ellsworth Building. The suspects attempted to sell them to a metal recycling yard but were apprehended when police made contact with employees at the yard at the very time the suspects were making the sale. The employees extended the process until the officers got there. All three suspects were arrested and taken to jail. After investigation, it was discovered that the suspects had opened the balls and filled them with water to increase the weight. They are guilty of theft and fraud.

  66. Researcher says:

    The name of the SFLC is awkward for the same reason I always flinch when they announce SED over the pulpit.

  67. Left Field says:

    What is this SED that is announced over the pulpit? Sunbeam Educational Division? Saturday Elders’ Diversion?

    Obviously, there’s some loop I’m really out of. Google was no help whatsoever for SFLC or SED. Software Freedom Law Center? San Francisco Lyric Chorus? Stream Editor? Even an acronym finder didn’t turn up anything flinch-worthy. Space Flight Leadership Council? State Education Department? Systems Engineering Division? Squared Euclidean Distance? I’ve got nothing. Give me a couple years, I guess.

  68. Are students at other universities bored enough to report suspicious people like smokers and people with facial hair or is this a BYU thing? Everyone looked suspicious when I was in school if you go by the BYU police blotter standards

  69. When nobody looks suspicious, everyone is.

  70. In other news, I dreamt up blogging in 1982 and invented the internet in the early 90′s (take that, Al Gore). In the future, I plan to invent faster-than-light travel and personal jetpacks. You heard it here first.

  71. Researcher says:

    I just explained SFLC and SED to Left Field. Perhaps others did too. It did not make it past the spam filter. Since it didn’t, PLEASE don’t fish it back out. Here’s an explanation that avoids those terms.

    SFLC was a building at BYU (doesn’t exist anymore? but stood for Smith Family Living Center). If sounded out rather than spelled out, it sounds like a treatable medical condition that no BYU student should have.

    SED means Sunday Evening Discussion (used to be called Firesides). I don’t know whether the term is used church-wide or just in our area. Every time I hear it (I’m slightly deaf and usually distracted at that point in the meeting) I hear the term used for the general type of medical condition described in the previous paragraph.

  72. Just chiming in to say I hope this becomes a regular feature. I live in a small town and our police beat is funny enough but this one is better and I love the roundtable. It’s the LDS version of Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me.

  73. Left Field says:

    The only other things I had thought of for SFLC were a similarity with the acronym for the Federal Savings and Loan Insurance Corporation or perhaps some humor related to a Family Living Center named for a polygamist.

    In all the years I was at BYU, I don’t think I ever heard SFLC pronounced like that. Maybe that joke was after (or before) my time. I’ve never heard a fireside called an SED, so perhaps that’s a local phenomenon. I’ve often thought we should come up with a better name, but SED ain’t it.

  74. I think the confusion over the identity of “Nelson” stemmed from the fact that while both brothers did sport long, luxurious blond manes, I don’t believer either was capable of growing facial hair.

  75. I think in 3 years when my oldest (possibly) goes to the Y I will grow a beard and walk around suspiciously. If question I explain I was trying to make it into Police Beat as a suspicious individual.

    FYI – Nelson is now performing at a very small casino near hear singing their Dad’s songs. Only $22 and surprisingly tickets are still available.

  76. Students weigh in on BYU’s SFLC problem:

    From September 1998: “Let’s go with ‘Smith FLC‘”

    From March 2000: “Let’s stop the trend now

  77. Dan Knudsen says:

    I remember during the winter of ’64-’65 (there was snow on the ground) early one morning, as I was hurrying to the Fine Arts Bldg., as I came between the library and Ernest L. Wilkinson Center, where the ELWC sign was, with a light illuminating that sign, someone had put a banner over the sign reading: “Ernie’s Bar & Grill”. I thought it was a hoot, but others didn’t see the humor in it.

  78. An article from October 2001 on the then-forthcoming cure for BYU’s SFLC problem:

    Y officials refine plans for new building

  79. Re #42, that was a case of “attempted spiritual protection.”

  80. Little Sister says:

    HILARIOUS!! Cynthia- BYU actually DOES have assignments from professors to go on dates!! The infamous “Marriage Prep” course so many BYU students take requires students to go on a date and practice techniques they learned in class. One professor gives out a whole page of questions the student must ask his or her date while on the date. Also, I was talking to a friend of mine today who was saying her Marriage Prep professor awarded students (non-graded) “points” for various “assignments” which included: holding hands on the first date, obtaining a second date, and kissing goodbye at the end. I mean really Cynthia, whats more important to the true mission of BYU, Chem 101 or GETTING STUDENTS UN-SINGLE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE?

  81. Little Sister says:

    #78: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always thought recycling was a sign of the Beast!

  82. Eric Russell says:

    Brent Barlow rocks.

  83. I’m amazed at the number of animal incidents. I mean, yeah, it’s not exactly an urban environment, but still — animal traps? Deer getting stuck in doors? Rogue ducks??

    It also seems to me that nearly everyone in Provo (students, criminals, police…) has too much time on their hands. Reporting a refuse collection crew (or reflected streetlights?) Telling students to go to bed? It is very much like Disneyland, except that the shoplifters are much, much lamer and I didn’t see any reports of phantom pot smokers (I have actually stood guard in New Orleans Square with a manager, trying to see if we could find the smoker in the crowd.)

  84. #75: FYI – Nelson is now performing at a very small casino near hear singing their Dad’s songs. Only $22 and surprisingly tickets are still available.

    I smell a Bloggersnacker in the works! Watching Nelson in a casino, what could be more fitting? If the concert is being held in the bar of the casino, tant mieux.

  85. Left Field says:

    From those articles, it does sound like the odd nickname for the SFLC did postdate my tenure at BYU. No doubt it was started by the Suspicious Male.

  86. I never realized there were so many suspicious males cavorting around BYU.

  87. June 30: Police followed up on a report of people being loud at 11:30 PM at Wymount Terrace. The loud people were asked to be quiet.

    I think the neighbors were getting jealous! They don’t call em the rabbit hutches for nothing, baby!

    Great post, btw. Police beat with commentary = good times.

    Also, why do some BYU students call the police when they are the victims of rather harmless (and funny) practical jokes? A dude puts a duck in a girl’s apartment to get her attention and she goes out and ruins everything by calling the police. What’s a guy gotta do?

  88. Eric Russell says:

    Matt, getting in the Police Beat is the whole point. It’s a game. I know people pull pranks just to see if they can try to get in, and I imagine people likewise call in stupid stuff to try to get a mention as well.

    And if you can make it into Best of the Police Beat, which is compiled and published at the end of every semester, that’s the crown.

  89. Eric,
    It’s so obvious now that you point it out. I can’t believe I didn’t get involved in this game. I wasted 5 years of my life on accounting when I could’ve achieved immortality in police beat. Life has less meaning now.

  90. I’m crying.

  91. I love that the BYUPD uses the socratic method. Instead of telling the dupes at the “demolition” site that it was an April Fool’s joke they asked them what day it was. That somehow enhances the humiliation of the entire episode.

  92. Classic. Reminds me of the police beat some friends and I got into when we tipped over the Univ. of Utah car on the quad. How were we to know there was paint in the trunk that wouls spill every where?

    I actually was part of the “distraction squad”. We we’re the “suspicious males” playing laser tag on campus. We knew the police would follow us (having previously got “asked to stop”) and leave the quad clear.

    I don’t think any of us leveraged it into dates. But then, I was already dating my future wife…

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