The second installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Installment #1 can be read here.
February 11. A female Wymount resident received a suspicious phone call in her home at 1:30 p.m. The male caller claimed to be from the psychology department and said he could try to help her relax. He got her to turn off the lights and lay down on her bed. The phone call ended when the girl’s cell phone battery died. BYU Police told her she should notify her phone company next time she receives a call so that they can trace it.
Cynthia: Where’s the crime? Just offering a free service which she evidently found useful?
GST: She only fell for it for as long as her battery lasted, so she’s not a complete dupe, I guess.
February 8. A suspicious red vehicle was reported in a parking lot near LaVell Edwards Stadium. Upon being questioned the couple sitting in the car claimed that they were just studying.
Steve: Studying ANATOMY. The suspicious thing about the car is that it was a red Miata being driven by a suspicious male. No regular male would ever drive a red Miata.
February 8. A Brewster Building employee had an ipod, radio and speaker stolen from his office. The items are estimated at a cumulative $200. The employee said he liked to listen to music in his office but would often leave the item unattended. After the theft was reported a co-worker came forward with the items and said he was trying to play a practical joke on a friend.
Cynthia: That’s like an after-school special “lesson learned”–LOCK YOUR DOOR, moron.
Steve: Wait, this is the big mastermind crime going on in the Brewster Building? I STEAL YOUR IPOD! WAIT, NO I DON’T.
November 24. A University of Utah fan was head-butted by another man at the football game. The U of U fan had returned to his seat to find two young ladies standing on the seat, and words were exchanged. The girls told their dad about this incident and he confronted the U of U fan. The U of U fan got several stitches to close up a gash on his nose. This matter is still under investigation.
GST: The item does not mention the partisan preference of the head-buttor. I think we are to assume that he was a BYU fan.
Steve: No, the sad thing about this story is that it was another Ute.
Cynthia: It’s just showing that the BYU police don’t play favorites–they will respond to crimes even where a Utah fan is the victim.
Steve: You know, if I came back to find two young ladies standing on my seat, I’d be all, “hello, young ladies!” Unless they were like 15, then it’d be more, “hello, beat it, jerks.”
November 24. Thirty-one vehicles parked at Wymount Terrace were reported vandalized. University of Utah logos and other slogans had been painted on the windows with red, pink and white window paint. There was no damage, as the paint was water-soluble.
GST: So, bottom-line score for game day hijinks: Utah fans, one mild prank; BYU fans: one vicious assault. We win.
Steve: Those damned industrious Utes with their solubility! Makes me feel bad that we used lead-based maritime paint that one year.
November 26. A male individual was seen running from the building after explosives in May Hall in Helaman Halls destroyed a toilet.
GST: This seems to me like a perfectly reasonable response to an exploding toilet.
Steve: I’ve seen Lethal Weapon 2, and I concur with your estimation, GST.
December 1. The police stopped two 18-year-old male students at the intramural fields. They had been pulling each other on a snowboard behind their vehicle. The police questioned them then let them go. After the snow melts, the grounds crew will determine if the grass was damaged, and the students will be assessed the cost of damage.
GST: It’s not as if there’s any good place to snowboard, like a ski resort in the mountains or something, within minutes of campus. Cut them a break.
December 1. A 17-year-old male was cited for snowboarding on campus. He, and another man, had built a wooden ramp, covered it with snow and were snowboarding from the parking lot to the sidewalk at the LaVell Edwards Stadium.
GST: There was a snowboarding crime wave on December 1, apparently.
Steve: Somewhere on the BYU Police Case Board there’s a drawing of a massive criminal conspiracy, like in The Wire, with an unknown capo at the top. But all along the sides of this whiteboard are a bunch of Post-Its reminding the cops to go back to the intramural fields come springtime to assess grass damage.
Cynthia: How is it that the BYU police respond to “suspicious male” phone calls within seconds, but these guys built an entire ramp and started using it before anyone noticed?
September 10- November 11. BYU Housing Services identified the perpetrators of a series of stink bomb attacks in Helaman Halls. Upon further investigation, they found that three students were responsible for persuading nearly every resident on the floor of their hall to participate in the attacks.
Steve: The Three Stinky Nephites!
November 17. A bicycle was reported stolen from a bike rack near the botany pond. The owner claimed the bike was locked, but said she was having trouble with the locking device. The next day, she reported that the bicycle had been returned to the same location it was taken from. The police suspect it had not been stolen.
Steve: The Botany Pond is home to some of the stranger elements on campus. I would suspect his “locking device” consisted of Red Vines and prayer.
November 24. A 26-year-old male was seen shoplifting from the Cougar Den during the football game. When he left the Bookstore with the football, he realized somebody was following him and tried to run away. The floorwalker was able to identify the man’s wife, who was still in the Cougar Den, and learn the identity of the man. He was given a misdemeanor citation and will go to court on Dec. 17 at 8 a.m.
GST: His old lady gave him up!
Cynthia: At least he should have shoplifted some flowers for her. No wonder she turned him in!
GST: But you gotta love a guy that will shoplift with his wife in the building.
Cynthia: Yeah, I don’t remember seeing that in the “100 cheap dates” book somebody gave me.
GST: Stephen, are you with us?
Cynthia: Steve is arranging for a sitter so he can take Sumer out shoplifting this Friday night.
Steve: The man’s wife is the Jezebel of the Cougar Den. They probably offered her some free Cougar Fudge.
October 24. A group of students were planning to hold a rally to show support for the Colorado Rockies, who were playing the Boston Red Sox in the World Series. The police asked them to discontinue their activities and they complied.
Steve: Are the BYU cops Bostonian? Why the Rockies hate?
October 27. An 18-year-old male student was reported missing from Merrill Hall in Helaman Halls. The police received a phone call from his bishop, who said the student had not come home the previous night. The police started an investigation, but found out later that day that he had returned and was in good health. He was dealing with some personal problems and had decided to camp out for the night and think about these problems.
Steve: Just like in the movie “Our Heavenly Father’s Plan”!
GST: Mainly he was concerned about the fact that the police go looking for his trail after he’s gone for only about 10 hours.
Cynthia: Does the Bishop do nightly bunk checks or something?
Steve: Maybe the kid needed to think about the problem of suddenly disappearing from radar.
Cynthia: Kid should have set up one of those dummies-under-the-covers tricks.
October 26. A man, wearing a dark sweatshirt, was reported hiding in the bushes on Maeser Hill. An officer talked to him and discovered that he was there with his girlfriend, playing a game. The officer suggested that they shouldn’t be doing that and they left.
Steve: Name that game!
GST: The game is called “sexual intercourse.”
October 27: A male individual was reported yelling in the Eyring Science Center. When the officers arrived, they discovered he was actually singing along to music playing on his iPod.
GST: “WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIS COMPANY IS WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT SOCIETY!”
Steve: Sadly, it was Afterglow’s version of Tom Sawyer, sung to the tune of A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.
Cynthia: One of you lawyers do a rules clarification for me. Yelling: not OK; singing: OK?
GST: They are both punishable by flogging or stocks.
Steve: I believe yelling gets you a night in The Hole, singing two nights.
February 14. Auxiliary services reported suspicious-looking money found in the BYU Laundry building. A worker received a dollar bill with a picture of Santa Claus glued over George Washington. The worker was also told where he could buy similar money online. The bill was tested to be authentic.
Steve: This one is a little sketchy. First the money is “found,” then a worker “receives” it and is told where to get more. WHAT IS GOING ON?
GST: Why, pray tell, would the Auxiliary Services worker, or anyone else, be interested in buying this specious specie online?
Steve: Authentic Legal Tender at Santa’s Workshop and Duty-Free.
January 16: The Dairy Products Lab reported students making what were believed to be prank calls to the building.
Cynthia: Speculation about content of said calls: Boobies!
January 17. A female student who was not accepted into her MBA program refused to leave the Tanner Building pending an explanation of why she had not been accepted.
GST: It’s because she wasn’t assertive enough.
Steve: She had, in fact, misapplied to the Tanner’s NBA program.
January 21. An officer on foot patrol reported an act of vandalism to the south wall of the Benson building on Maeser hill. Someone had painted a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. upon the wall.
Cynthia: That’s some pretty elaborate vandalism if you can recognize the likeness.
Steve: Wow, like impressionist, or what style of portraiture?
Cynthia: Hats off to you, good sir!
January 20. A group of locals from the area of the north-east lot of the Cougar Stadium assaulted four people trying to snowboard on the steps of the stadium stairways after confronting them about the noise they were making. A fight ensued during which the snowboarders were injured.
GST: Locals, 1. Snowboarders, 0.
Steve: This is local turf, haolis. Go back to South Campus!
January 5. Police received a call in response to reports of a dog being locked in an automobile in the BYU law school parking lot. Police investigated and it was found that the dog was in no danger.
GST: Yeah, oddly enough, a dog won’t fry in the heat when locked in a car in Utah in early January.
Steve: So, the car wasn’t rigged to blow or anything.
GST: The dog was Michael Corleone’s first wife.
Steve: “A Dog Named Appollonia.”
Cynthia: Michael would sooooo mess you up for calling his first wife a dog, GST. Watch out for a horse head tomorrow morning.
July 26. A Liahona brand mountain bike valued at $300 was reported stolen from outside a laundry room at Wymount Terrace. The lock was cut and no suspects have been identified.
Steve: Liahona MTB?!? Round wheels of curious workmanship?
Cynthia: But does it only work if you’re righteous? That would be an awesome anti-theft device.
GST: A shame because he had sprung for the Extreme Lehi XL edition.
Steve: The lock was cut, which means it was probably a Deseret Industries pasta-based lock.
July 27. An employee contacted police about a suspicious letter that was received in the John A. Widtsoe Building. Police opened the letter and found travel brochures inside.
Steve: But the suggested travel destinations were like to Kabul, Tora Bora, and various Sunni shrines.
Cynthia: Yes, anyone who would want to ever venture outside Happy Valley is indeed highly suspicious.
July 31. A parking officer reported an open container of alcohol in a vehicle near the Harris Fine Arts Center. Upon investigation, police determined the container in question was in fact an empty bottle of maple syrup.
Steve: Oh that is just awesome.
GST: Probably part of the encroaching Frostback Horde, all jumped up on maple syrup.
Steve: Was it of the pure vine, of Aunt Jemima’s own make?
Cynthia: But if left out long enough, perhaps it could ferment.
Steve: What the hell — they have to call in open containers they see? What are they, the recycling Stasi?
Cynthia: Steve, somewhere someone in a Native American costume is shedding a tear over your lack of taking recycling seriously.
Cynthia: Can you make alcohol out of maple syrup? Despite having gone to a heathen state school, I’m unfortunately still ignorant of these things.
Steve: You’d better believe it! That’s how they make my favorite lager, Pancakebrau.
July 31. An individual was asked to leave campus, or be cited for trespassing, after the individual was found to be living in a mechanical shed west of LaVell Edwards Stadium.
Cynthia: Ugh, I hated that movie (let the firestorm in the comments begin, I stand by my words!)
GST: I agree. The man was 26 years-old! Time to give up your grade-school dream and get a job, wife, mortgage, and drinking problem, like the rest of us.
July 31. A student who admitted to removing bikes with abandoned claim tags on them from around campus called University Police to see if removing the bikes was legal. The student, who thought the tags meant the bikes were abandoned and could be taken by anyone, was found to have 59 bikes in his possession. While some bikes were unlocked, other bikes had their chains and locks removed by the student. As of July 11, four owners have contacted the traffic office and claimed their missing bikes. All four of the bikes owners had their locks removed and the locks are valued from $10-30. Charges and restitution are pending upon completion of an investigation.
Steve: 59 bikes!
GST: Admit it: the tags ARE ambiguous.
Steve: I thought it meant “free bike,” officer.
Cynthia: Wait, so he turned himself in? Only at BYU.
GST: When they search his apartment I bet they find 45 abandoned kids from local orphanages.
June 7. Four individuals were skateboarding by the Harold B. Lee Library. An officer arrived and they fled in different directions. The officer caught one of them who displayed a contentious attitude and used a threatening gesture towards the officer. The suspect provided false information and was issued a citation for skateboarding on campus and for providing false information to a police officer. He was released to his mother.
GST: SKATEBOARDING IS NOT A CRIME. Except, you know, where it is.
Steve: Contentious attitude! Threatening gesture! Fist raised high.
GST: More likely two fists colliding. “This represents me, and this one is you, officer. We are in contention.”
June 7. In the Morris Center, two EFY participants were involved in suspicious activity. The EFY counselors reported the activity to the University Police and contacted the participant’s parents.
GST: Come on, give us a clue!
Cynthia: What teases these police beat writers are.
Steve: Hint: uno cards and jenga were involved.
Cynthia: I think the hint is that there were two of them. Ergo, they were Tangoing.
GST: They were probably enrolling in Florida flight schools, registering for the “take off and pointing the plane only” sections.
Steve: EFY flight school.
June 6. At building B-72 located on University Avenue and 2230 North, an unknown male subject made lewd remarks to a female employee about her posterior. The suspect is a white male in his late 20s or early 30s with reddish blonde hair and a short goatee. He is described as having a heavy build.
GST: Did he say something worse than describing her as “having a heavy build”? By the way, I think it’s great that they finally honored early Mormon education pioneer B-72 with his own building.
Steve: First android to cross the plains!
June 11. At the NCAA track by Helamen Halls, a female Special Olympics volunteer was struck by a male adult. He also took her glasses off her face and threw them at her. Charges are under investigation.
Steve: The male adult was a participant in the S.O.
GST: I don’t think that’s how you spell Helaman. Unless you have two of them.
Steve: “You think you’re special? Special this!” (body slam) “And special these glasses too!” My wife was a volunteer for the S.O. one year. Sunburnt her lips to hell.
January 1. A small group of people was observed running around Wymount Terrace armed with six handguns and two Uzi look-alikes. It was ascertained to be a father and his three sons playing with Airsoft BB guns. They were very cooperative and apologetic upon being approached by the officer and ceased their activity.
Cynthia: I’m surprised that in Utah this was called in. Decidedly not “suspicious.”
Steve: Yeah, what’s the problem? There’s only eight guns involved.
Cynthia: If the date had been July 4, I think we could all safely assume they were merely celebrating their love of country.
March 30. BYU police cited a male student for public intoxication in Helaman Halls. The student also lied to police when he told them his name and age.
GST: The cop should have followed up with the old “Are you lying?” technique.
Steve: Turns out he lied about being young. He was actually 85. And gave his name as “Jennifer Lopez.”
Cynthia: Look, believing that you’re Elvis when drunk is completely understandable.
March 27. Students received a strong verbal warning from a BYU police officer when they were caught trying to blind drivers by shining light in their eyes with small hand-held mirrors.
GST: I wonder what the “strong verbal warning” consisted of. Probably “If you do that again, you little freak, I will punch you in the eye until it turns to jelly!”
Steve: “strong verbal warning” = combination of profanity and Sen Sen.
Cynthia: I think it rocks to be a girl at BYU.
GST: These were girls, you think?
Cynthia: Of course, small mirror = makeup compact. Police let you get away with anything, and you’re at no risk of being labeled a “suspicious male.”
March 29. A group of adolescent females called BYU police when an elderly female accosted and threatened them in the bathroom. The girls all went to use the restrooms at the same time and the woman was upset that there was no open stall. Police were not able to locate the elderly female.
Steve: One of the three nephites in disguise!
GST: They still haven’t found her. Orders are to shoot on sight.
Steve: When she couldn’t find a stall she simply exploded.
Cynthia: This story is awesome! I totally didn’t realize that proper etiquette dictates always leaving one stall open should someone else arrive and want to use it.
Steve: It’s like leaving a chair for Elijah at Passover.
GST: Old people are a menace. She probably bent their ear with a harangue about how back in nineteen diggity-ought, they didn’t have any bathroom stalls, because the Kaiser stole them.
Cynthia: So what if they had left a stall open, and the old lady had come in and used it, and a second old lady had then arrived and not had anyplace to go?
Steve: They should have just shared.
Cynthia: I think the solution is for adolescents to just use the bushes, that way all stalls will be clear for those who need them most urgently.
Steve: I believe the Church’s “Logan’s Run” program is the answer to all this.
March 26. The mother of a BYU student called the police when she suspected that her daughter’s roommate stole her butter knife. The mother later called to drop the charges.
Steve: She dropped the charges! Butter fingers!
GST: People like this don’t think that when they drop the charges, society still has to deal with these monsters.
Cynthia: Butter knife is a gateway theft. Inevitably leads to Resse’s Cups, then full-blown GTA.
You have to nip these things in the bud.