Police Beat Roundtable #2

The second installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Installment #1 can be read here.

February 11. A female Wymount resident received a suspicious phone call in her home at 1:30 p.m. The male caller claimed to be from the psychology department and said he could try to help her relax. He got her to turn off the lights and lay down on her bed. The phone call ended when the girl’s cell phone battery died. BYU Police told her she should notify her phone company next time she receives a call so that they can trace it.

Steve: Wow.

Cynthia: Where’s the crime? Just offering a free service which she evidently found useful?

GST: She only fell for it for as long as her battery lasted, so she’s not a complete dupe, I guess.

February 8. A suspicious red vehicle was reported in a parking lot near LaVell Edwards Stadium. Upon being questioned the couple sitting in the car claimed that they were just studying.

Steve: Studying ANATOMY. The suspicious thing about the car is that it was a red Miata being driven by a suspicious male. No regular male would ever drive a red Miata.

February 8. A Brewster Building employee had an ipod, radio and speaker stolen from his office. The items are estimated at a cumulative $200. The employee said he liked to listen to music in his office but would often leave the item unattended. After the theft was reported a co-worker came forward with the items and said he was trying to play a practical joke on a friend.

Cynthia: That’s like an after-school special “lesson learned”–LOCK YOUR DOOR, moron.

Steve: Wait, this is the big mastermind crime going on in the Brewster Building? I STEAL YOUR IPOD! WAIT, NO I DON’T.

November 24. A University of Utah fan was head-butted by another man at the football game. The U of U fan had returned to his seat to find two young ladies standing on the seat, and words were exchanged. The girls told their dad about this incident and he confronted the U of U fan. The U of U fan got several stitches to close up a gash on his nose. This matter is still under investigation.

GST: The item does not mention the partisan preference of the head-buttor. I think we are to assume that he was a BYU fan.

Steve: No, the sad thing about this story is that it was another Ute.

Cynthia: It’s just showing that the BYU police don’t play favorites–they will respond to crimes even where a Utah fan is the victim.

Steve: You know, if I came back to find two young ladies standing on my seat, I’d be all, “hello, young ladies!” Unless they were like 15, then it’d be more, “hello, beat it, jerks.”

November 24. Thirty-one vehicles parked at Wymount Terrace were reported vandalized. University of Utah logos and other slogans had been painted on the windows with red, pink and white window paint. There was no damage, as the paint was water-soluble.

GST: So, bottom-line score for game day hijinks: Utah fans, one mild prank; BYU fans: one vicious assault. We win.

Steve: Those damned industrious Utes with their solubility! Makes me feel bad that we used lead-based maritime paint that one year.

November 26. A male individual was seen running from the building after explosives in May Hall in Helaman Halls destroyed a toilet.

GST: This seems to me like a perfectly reasonable response to an exploding toilet.

Steve: I’ve seen Lethal Weapon 2, and I concur with your estimation, GST.

December 1. The police stopped two 18-year-old male students at the intramural fields. They had been pulling each other on a snowboard behind their vehicle. The police questioned them then let them go. After the snow melts, the grounds crew will determine if the grass was damaged, and the students will be assessed the cost of damage.

GST: It’s not as if there’s any good place to snowboard, like a ski resort in the mountains or something, within minutes of campus. Cut them a break.

December 1. A 17-year-old male was cited for snowboarding on campus. He, and another man, had built a wooden ramp, covered it with snow and were snowboarding from the parking lot to the sidewalk at the LaVell Edwards Stadium.

GST: There was a snowboarding crime wave on December 1, apparently.

Steve: Somewhere on the BYU Police Case Board there’s a drawing of a massive criminal conspiracy, like in The Wire, with an unknown capo at the top. But all along the sides of this whiteboard are a bunch of Post-Its reminding the cops to go back to the intramural fields come springtime to assess grass damage.

Cynthia: How is it that the BYU police respond to “suspicious male” phone calls within seconds, but these guys built an entire ramp and started using it before anyone noticed?

September 10- November 11. BYU Housing Services identified the perpetrators of a series of stink bomb attacks in Helaman Halls. Upon further investigation, they found that three students were responsible for persuading nearly every resident on the floor of their hall to participate in the attacks.

Steve: The Three Stinky Nephites!

November 17. A bicycle was reported stolen from a bike rack near the botany pond. The owner claimed the bike was locked, but said she was having trouble with the locking device. The next day, she reported that the bicycle had been returned to the same location it was taken from. The police suspect it had not been stolen.

Cynthia: Um….

GST: OK.

Steve: The Botany Pond is home to some of the stranger elements on campus. I would suspect his “locking device” consisted of Red Vines and prayer.

November 24. A 26-year-old male was seen shoplifting from the Cougar Den during the football game. When he left the Bookstore with the football, he realized somebody was following him and tried to run away. The floorwalker was able to identify the man’s wife, who was still in the Cougar Den, and learn the identity of the man. He was given a misdemeanor citation and will go to court on Dec. 17 at 8 a.m.

GST: His old lady gave him up!

Cynthia: At least he should have shoplifted some flowers for her. No wonder she turned him in!

GST: But you gotta love a guy that will shoplift with his wife in the building.

Cynthia: Yeah, I don’t remember seeing that in the “100 cheap dates” book somebody gave me.

GST: Stephen, are you with us?

Cynthia: Steve is arranging for a sitter so he can take Sumer out shoplifting this Friday night.

Steve: The man’s wife is the Jezebel of the Cougar Den. They probably offered her some free Cougar Fudge.

October 24. A group of students were planning to hold a rally to show support for the Colorado Rockies, who were playing the Boston Red Sox in the World Series. The police asked them to discontinue their activities and they complied.

Steve: Are the BYU cops Bostonian? Why the Rockies hate?

October 27. An 18-year-old male student was reported missing from Merrill Hall in Helaman Halls. The police received a phone call from his bishop, who said the student had not come home the previous night. The police started an investigation, but found out later that day that he had returned and was in good health. He was dealing with some personal problems and had decided to camp out for the night and think about these problems.

Steve: Just like in the movie “Our Heavenly Father’s Plan”!

GST: Mainly he was concerned about the fact that the police go looking for his trail after he’s gone for only about 10 hours.

Cynthia: Does the Bishop do nightly bunk checks or something?

Steve: Maybe the kid needed to think about the problem of suddenly disappearing from radar.

Cynthia: Kid should have set up one of those dummies-under-the-covers tricks.

October 26. A man, wearing a dark sweatshirt, was reported hiding in the bushes on Maeser Hill. An officer talked to him and discovered that he was there with his girlfriend, playing a game. The officer suggested that they shouldn’t be doing that and they left.

Steve: Name that game!

GST: The game is called “sexual intercourse.”

Steve: CORRECT!

October 27: A male individual was reported yelling in the Eyring Science Center. When the officers arrived, they discovered he was actually singing along to music playing on his iPod.

GST: “WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIS COMPANY IS WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT SOCIETY!”

Steve: Sadly, it was Afterglow’s version of Tom Sawyer, sung to the tune of A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.

Cynthia: One of you lawyers do a rules clarification for me. Yelling: not OK; singing: OK?

GST: They are both punishable by flogging or stocks.

Steve: I believe yelling gets you a night in The Hole, singing two nights.

February 14. Auxiliary services reported suspicious-looking money found in the BYU Laundry building. A worker received a dollar bill with a picture of Santa Claus glued over George Washington. The worker was also told where he could buy similar money online. The bill was tested to be authentic.

Steve: This one is a little sketchy. First the money is “found,” then a worker “receives” it and is told where to get more. WHAT IS GOING ON?

GST: Why, pray tell, would the Auxiliary Services worker, or anyone else, be interested in buying this specious specie online?

Steve: Authentic Legal Tender at Santa’s Workshop and Duty-Free.

January 16: The Dairy Products Lab reported students making what were believed to be prank calls to the building.

Steve: Awesome.

Cynthia: Speculation about content of said calls: Boobies!

January 17. A female student who was not accepted into her MBA program refused to leave the Tanner Building pending an explanation of why she had not been accepted.

GST: It’s because she wasn’t assertive enough.

Steve: She had, in fact, misapplied to the Tanner’s NBA program.

January 21. An officer on foot patrol reported an act of vandalism to the south wall of the Benson building on Maeser hill. Someone had painted a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. upon the wall.

Cynthia: That’s some pretty elaborate vandalism if you can recognize the likeness.

Steve: Wow, like impressionist, or what style of portraiture?

Cynthia: Hats off to you, good sir!

January 20. A group of locals from the area of the north-east lot of the Cougar Stadium assaulted four people trying to snowboard on the steps of the stadium stairways after confronting them about the noise they were making. A fight ensued during which the snowboarders were injured.

GST: Locals, 1. Snowboarders, 0.

Steve: This is local turf, haolis. Go back to South Campus!

January 5. Police received a call in response to reports of a dog being locked in an automobile in the BYU law school parking lot. Police investigated and it was found that the dog was in no danger.

GST: Yeah, oddly enough, a dog won’t fry in the heat when locked in a car in Utah in early January.

Steve: So, the car wasn’t rigged to blow or anything.

GST: The dog was Michael Corleone’s first wife.

Steve: “A Dog Named Appollonia.”

Cynthia: Michael would sooooo mess you up for calling his first wife a dog, GST. Watch out for a horse head tomorrow morning.

July 26. A Liahona brand mountain bike valued at $300 was reported stolen from outside a laundry room at Wymount Terrace. The lock was cut and no suspects have been identified.

Steve: Liahona MTB?!? Round wheels of curious workmanship?

Cynthia: But does it only work if you’re righteous? That would be an awesome anti-theft device.

GST: A shame because he had sprung for the Extreme Lehi XL edition.

Steve: The lock was cut, which means it was probably a Deseret Industries pasta-based lock.

July 27. An employee contacted police about a suspicious letter that was received in the John A. Widtsoe Building. Police opened the letter and found travel brochures inside.

Steve: But the suggested travel destinations were like to Kabul, Tora Bora, and various Sunni shrines.

Cynthia: Yes, anyone who would want to ever venture outside Happy Valley is indeed highly suspicious.

July 31. A parking officer reported an open container of alcohol in a vehicle near the Harris Fine Arts Center. Upon investigation, police determined the container in question was in fact an empty bottle of maple syrup.

Steve: Oh that is just awesome.

GST: Probably part of the encroaching Frostback Horde, all jumped up on maple syrup.

Steve: Was it of the pure vine, of Aunt Jemima’s own make?

Cynthia: But if left out long enough, perhaps it could ferment.

Steve: What the hell — they have to call in open containers they see? What are they, the recycling Stasi?

Cynthia: Steve, somewhere someone in a Native American costume is shedding a tear over your lack of taking recycling seriously.

Cynthia: Can you make alcohol out of maple syrup? Despite having gone to a heathen state school, I’m unfortunately still ignorant of these things.

Steve: You’d better believe it! That’s how they make my favorite lager, Pancakebrau.

July 31. An individual was asked to leave campus, or be cited for trespassing, after the individual was found to be living in a mechanical shed west of LaVell Edwards Stadium.

GST: Rudy!

Cynthia: Ugh, I hated that movie (let the firestorm in the comments begin, I stand by my words!)

GST: I agree. The man was 26 years-old! Time to give up your grade-school dream and get a job, wife, mortgage, and drinking problem, like the rest of us.

July 31. A student who admitted to removing bikes with abandoned claim tags on them from around campus called University Police to see if removing the bikes was legal. The student, who thought the tags meant the bikes were abandoned and could be taken by anyone, was found to have 59 bikes in his possession. While some bikes were unlocked, other bikes had their chains and locks removed by the student. As of July 11, four owners have contacted the traffic office and claimed their missing bikes. All four of the bikes owners had their locks removed and the locks are valued from $10-30. Charges and restitution are pending upon completion of an investigation.

Steve: 59 bikes!

GST: Admit it: the tags ARE ambiguous.

Steve: I thought it meant “free bike,” officer.

Cynthia: Wait, so he turned himself in? Only at BYU.

GST: When they search his apartment I bet they find 45 abandoned kids from local orphanages.

June 7. Four individuals were skateboarding by the Harold B. Lee Library. An officer arrived and they fled in different directions. The officer caught one of them who displayed a contentious attitude and used a threatening gesture towards the officer. The suspect provided false information and was issued a citation for skateboarding on campus and for providing false information to a police officer. He was released to his mother.

GST: SKATEBOARDING IS NOT A CRIME. Except, you know, where it is.

Steve: Contentious attitude! Threatening gesture! Fist raised high.

GST: More likely two fists colliding. “This represents me, and this one is you, officer. We are in contention.”

June 7. In the Morris Center, two EFY participants were involved in suspicious activity. The EFY counselors reported the activity to the University Police and contacted the participant’s parents.

GST: Come on, give us a clue!

Cynthia: What teases these police beat writers are.

Steve: Hint: uno cards and jenga were involved.

Cynthia: I think the hint is that there were two of them. Ergo, they were Tangoing.

GST: They were probably enrolling in Florida flight schools, registering for the “take off and pointing the plane only” sections.

Steve: EFY flight school.

June 6. At building B-72 located on University Avenue and 2230 North, an unknown male subject made lewd remarks to a female employee about her posterior. The suspect is a white male in his late 20s or early 30s with reddish blonde hair and a short goatee. He is described as having a heavy build.

GST: Did he say something worse than describing her as “having a heavy build”? By the way, I think it’s great that they finally honored early Mormon education pioneer B-72 with his own building.

Steve: First android to cross the plains!

June 11. At the NCAA track by Helamen Halls, a female Special Olympics volunteer was struck by a male adult. He also took her glasses off her face and threw them at her. Charges are under investigation.

Steve: The male adult was a participant in the S.O.

GST: I don’t think that’s how you spell Helaman. Unless you have two of them.

Steve: “You think you’re special? Special this!” (body slam) “And special these glasses too!” My wife was a volunteer for the S.O. one year. Sunburnt her lips to hell.

January 1. A small group of people was observed running around Wymount Terrace armed with six handguns and two Uzi look-alikes. It was ascertained to be a father and his three sons playing with Airsoft BB guns. They were very cooperative and apologetic upon being approached by the officer and ceased their activity.

Steve: Er…

Cynthia: I’m surprised that in Utah this was called in. Decidedly not “suspicious.”

Steve: Yeah, what’s the problem? There’s only eight guns involved.

Cynthia: If the date had been July 4, I think we could all safely assume they were merely celebrating their love of country.

March 30. BYU police cited a male student for public intoxication in Helaman Halls. The student also lied to police when he told them his name and age.

GST: The cop should have followed up with the old “Are you lying?” technique.

Steve: Turns out he lied about being young. He was actually 85. And gave his name as “Jennifer Lopez.”

Cynthia: Look, believing that you’re Elvis when drunk is completely understandable.

March 27. Students received a strong verbal warning from a BYU police officer when they were caught trying to blind drivers by shining light in their eyes with small hand-held mirrors.

GST: I wonder what the “strong verbal warning” consisted of. Probably “If you do that again, you little freak, I will punch you in the eye until it turns to jelly!”

Steve: “strong verbal warning” = combination of profanity and Sen Sen.

Cynthia: I think it rocks to be a girl at BYU.

GST: These were girls, you think?

Cynthia: Of course, small mirror = makeup compact. Police let you get away with anything, and you’re at no risk of being labeled a “suspicious male.”

March 29. A group of adolescent females called BYU police when an elderly female accosted and threatened them in the bathroom. The girls all went to use the restrooms at the same time and the woman was upset that there was no open stall. Police were not able to locate the elderly female.

Steve: One of the three nephites in disguise!

GST: They still haven’t found her. Orders are to shoot on sight.

Steve: When she couldn’t find a stall she simply exploded.

Cynthia: This story is awesome! I totally didn’t realize that proper etiquette dictates always leaving one stall open should someone else arrive and want to use it.

Steve: It’s like leaving a chair for Elijah at Passover.

GST: Old people are a menace. She probably bent their ear with a harangue about how back in nineteen diggity-ought, they didn’t have any bathroom stalls, because the Kaiser stole them.

Cynthia: So what if they had left a stall open, and the old lady had come in and used it, and a second old lady had then arrived and not had anyplace to go?

Steve: They should have just shared.

Cynthia: I think the solution is for adolescents to just use the bushes, that way all stalls will be clear for those who need them most urgently.

Steve: I believe the Church’s “Logan’s Run” program is the answer to all this.

GST: Exactly.

March 26. The mother of a BYU student called the police when she suspected that her daughter’s roommate stole her butter knife. The mother later called to drop the charges.

Steve: She dropped the charges! Butter fingers!

GST: People like this don’t think that when they drop the charges, society still has to deal with these monsters.

Cynthia: Butter knife is a gateway theft. Inevitably leads to Resse’s Cups, then full-blown GTA.
You have to nip these things in the bud.

Comments

  1. Am I to understand that people at BYU will call their Bishop first when their roommate doesn’t come home one night?

    I also liked that the paper went out of its way to say that the skateboard kid displayed a “contentious” attitude. It’s a nice balance to the vague use of “suspicious” all the time.

    And the prank call with the cell phone was a clever idea. It relies entirely on the foolishness and/or exhaustion of the victim. Though I can’t believe a call that lasted that long didn’t produce some sort of record.

  2. Next week sometime I’ll probably stop laughing about a Liahona bicycle.

    The Police Beat is funny by itself, but I’m really enjoying your guy’s value-added nuttiness. Please keep it coming, or I’m going to have to give you a sternly worded warning.

  3. Mark you know I don’t like your contentious attitude! Best keep on walking, playa.

  4. Sheer delight on this one.

    That Rush reference was pure gold.

  5. The dropping butter knife charges one was awesome. Mercy robs justice again.

  6. Julie M. Smith says:

    Delicious. Thank you.

  7. My roommate didn’t come home one night, and we didn’t call the bishop…. We held an intervention!

  8. Only in Utah County. Wow, love it, especially the “open container”, obviously the officer had never partaken of any beverage prohibited by the honor code. Who would think syrup (assuming it’s in a syrup container) could pass for alcohol? Guess they have the smart ones on foot patrol.

  9. Abby, I think the parking officers are students who work part-time for the police department. I’m quite confident that the BYU cops know what a bottle of booze looks like.

  10. Steve Evans says:

    …because they are notorious drunkards!

  11. You were totally killing me with this line:

    GST: “WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIS COMPANY IS WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT SOCIETY!”

    (took me a while to place it.)

  12. The first one has been a recurring phenomenon. There is a warning every semester, I swear, about a guy calling and saying he’s doing a survey, but then it turns lewd or something, apparently. It always involves him asking the girls to lie down on their beds and relax . . .

    I don’t understand why, if this has been going on for so long, why they can’t track the guy down. Don’t people have caller ID?

  13. An Afterglow remake of a Rush song…
    just the thought is so disturbing that I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

  14. Sadly, Portia is right. We have a psychologically unstable serial caller on our hands. From the DU archives:

    2004

    Two females living at Wyview reported separate accounts of attempted hypnotism on the telephone from a male suspect May 19 at 9 p.m. and Saturday at 2 p.m., respectively. The victims reported a male-voiced caller representing himself as a psychology major conducting a survey. The victim of the second incident said she became suspicious when the caller said he was going to hypnotize her. Both victims hung-up the phone on the caller.

    2006

    A female student living in Hinckley Hall, in Helaman Halls, received a phone call from an unidentified male claiming to be conducting a survey for a psychology class Feb. 9. The caller asked the student if she was relaxed and if she was doing homework. The student hung up after the caller asked her to lie down on her bed to get more comfortable. The police suspect the call is connected to numerous similar calls made over the last two years.

    2007

    July 4: A man was reported making a suspicious phone call to a female in Helaman Halls in which he claimed he was doing a psychology project and then proceeded to hypnotize the female student on the other end of the line. The roommate of the female came home to find her asleep on the floor. The female is reported of reacting strangely when certain words are spoken. Incidents of a similar nature have occurred about two dozen times in the past. There are no suspects, but the incident is still under investigation.

    Oct. 12: Tip of the week: Over the last three years, several students, mostly female students, have been receiving calls from a suspicious male individual. He calls at night, asks what they are doing, how they are dressed and if they will participate in an experiment, a study for his psychology class. He asks them to lie down on the floor then asks a series of questions and tells them to relax. An investigator from the police department has talked to a professor on campus, who is an expert in hypnotism. He says it is not possible to hypnotize someone over the phone. Some students have fallen asleep, woken up and weren’t sure what happened but whether they were really hypnotized or not is questionable.

    If you receive a suspicious call, get the number off the caller ID and report it to the police immediately. If you have the ability to transfer calls from your phone, transfer the call to 422-2222 (or 2-2222 from on-campus phones). Don’t stay on the line any longer than is necessary to determine if it is an obscene or suspicious call. Keep a log and report all suspicious calls to the police as soon as possible.

    Oct. 23: A 19-year-old female student, living in Taylor Hall in Helaman Halls, received a suspicious phone call from a man claiming to be a psychology student who asked her to participate in an experiment for his psychology class. She had read the police beat tip of the week in The Daily Universe on October 12, and hung up on him.

    Nov. 7-9: Nine female students, living in Heritage Halls, reported receiving suspicious calls from a man who claimed that he was a BYU student doing an experiment for a psychology class. The police think this man is from California and is the same man who has been making these calls for the last four years.

  15. OK, the whole family gathered and laughed at these. Does this count as FHE for the week?

    Oh, and the Liahona bicycle commentary . . . best ever.

  16. Steve Evans says:

    Awesome, Justin.

  17. I missed one from 2007:

    Oct. 17: A female student living in Wyview Park received a phone call from a suspicious man. The suspect claimed to be a psychology student conducting a project, and attempted to put her in a hypnotic trance. She gave him a false name when he asked for her name. When she finally told him she had had enough, he immediately hung up.

  18. Steve Evans says:

    Maybe it was the Amazing Vandermeade? Anyone else remember that SLC hypnotist?

  19. Youtube lets us get a sneak peek at what a Suspicious Male™ looks like.

  20. Very nice. The second installment is every bit as amusing as the first.

  21. Latter-day Guy says:

    “Old people are a menace.”

    Indeed they are. BYU campus is a much more pleasant place during EFY than during Education Week. A friend of mine who volunteered to help during EdWeek saw some awful behavior by evil Relief Society sisters: telling some foreign visitors that they were in the wrong line for a particular lecture (they weren’t) so they could take their spots, and (no joke) shoving people into the bushes so they could get ahead in line. This year, I fully expect to see sisters shivving folks in the kidneys with sharpened toothbrushes.

    “We are going to watch Terry B Ball, dammit, or one of you is going to get it!”

  22. The Liahona Bike. The picture on the front page makes me wish I had a stick to jam in their spokes as they rode past.

    They also sell money belts. Whatever happened to keeping your money stashed in the white bible in your shirt pocket?

  23. What year was the exploding toilet? I think Left Field was questioned by the police in that incident.

  24. Latter-day Guy, point taken. But in fairness to those particular old people, I don’t know if we’re even supposed to be nice to foreigners.

  25. Man, I love Police Beat Roundtable.

  26. Well done, gst, Steve, and Cynthia.

  27. gst- I assumed it was a student officer, that obviously stayed away from any and all beverages against the WoW – hence the inability to tell the difference. Hee Hee.

  28. Little Sister says:

    Woo hoo! Native Americans!

  29. Left Field says:

    I was questioned in regards to the infamous HBLL toilet bomb incident of 1978. I assume that to this day, you can go into the 4th level men’s room in the oldest wing of the HBLL and find that the second toilet from the far end is of a different brand than the others. You may recall that I mentioned (in the Police Beat Roundtable #1) having been Mirandized in 1978. The HH exploding toilet described here is unrelated.

    How did those four people manage to claim their missing bicycles 20 days before they were recovered?

    I once sampled some fermented syrup. Believe me when I say that those were the worst pancakes I’ve ever had.

  30. I am 99% sure the bike guy is a good friend of DH’s

  31. I think it rocks to be a girl at BYU. Police let you get away with anything, and you’re at no risk of being labeled a “suspicious male.”

    You obviously haven’t had a close look at the Cougarettes. And they all have rap sheets a mile long.

    I believe the Church’s “Logan’s Run” program is the answer to all this.

    THERE IS NO SANCTUARY!!!

  32. I think campus police should have done a much more thorough investigation on July 31: was it a bottle of maple syrup? or was it an empty bottle?

  33. We should take a closer look at the first incident reported here:

    He got her to turn off the lights and lay down on her bed.

    Since we know the police beat writers (whether the cops or the DU writer) know their grammar, this can only be understood as meaning that “he got her to turn off the lights and [he] lay down on her bed.”

    If it had been the young woman doing the lying, they surely would have written “he got her to turn off the lights and lie down on her bed.”

    So, the real question is: did she lie down on her bed with him? If so, who’s the real criminal?

  34. An excellent observation, Mark B.! However, you went way off the ranch right about here:

    Since we know the police beat writers (whether the cops or the DU writer) know their grammar,

  35. Better to be off the ranch than off the reservation.

    But what about Off the pigs!?

  36. Very enjoyable. RUSH references are always a plus. I could have been the guy in the science center.

    And Cynthia’s brilliant deduction about the gender of the mirror shiners was impressive.

  37. Wow. Talk about a sudden temperature change. I’m leaving for a minute to put on a winter coat. :)

  38. Bro Jones says:

    Here is a definition of a suspisious male that we ought to be concerned about:
    A young male with a white shirt, conservative tie and a name tag on his shirt pocket, NOT observed in close proximity to another similarly dressed individual.

  39. The cops were looking for a senior citizen but if they had questioned the girls further it would have turned out a little different.
    How old?
    Really old officer, ancient. I mean she was like 30 or something. I think she had kids.

  40. Matt Rasmussen says:

    The suspicious calls from the “psychology major” have been going on for too long to be the same student. I think he’s like the Dread Pirate Roberts who he tutors a successor once he’s had his fill.

    Thanks for the entertainment! May I suggest you turn to the Deseret News and SL Tribune in the future when the Daily Universe material dries up? (Like that’ll happen…)

  41. Steve Evans says:

    Matt, letters to the editor are another potential gold mine.

  42. Cynthia L. says:

    #40–Dread Pirate Roberts, LOL!

    #36–Why thank you.

    #35–Ranch, reservation, same diff. But, um, your next sentence?? (!!) I’m such a naive little thing that at first I was picturing someone riding a pig like a horse and falling off, or something, I couldn’t understand what you were talking about…

  43. So awesome.

    And Justin, that’s the best research you’ve ever done. Well, except for frontier castrations. You’ll never top that.

  44. Chad Too says:

    “Red Vines and prayer.”

    Thanks. NOW I have to go and clean Diet Cherry Pepsi off my screen.

  45. Eric Russell says:

    November 17. A bicycle was reported stolen from a bike rack near the botany pond. The owner claimed the bike was locked, but said she was having trouble with the locking device. The next day, she reported that the bicycle had been returned to the same location it was taken from. The police suspect it had not been stolen.

    This very thing happened to me once, I kid you not.

    October 26. A man, wearing a dark sweatshirt, was reported hiding in the bushes on Maeser Hill. An officer talked to him and discovered that he was there with his girlfriend, playing a game. The officer suggested that they shouldn’t be doing that and they left.

    BS. There are no rules about night games on Maeser Hill. I would have asked him to show me where that’s written.

  46. Steve Evans says:

    Eric, Maeser Hill games are part of the unwritten order of things.

  47. Am I the only person who’s wondering about Betty’s claim? “I am 99% sure the bike guy is a good friend of DH’s.”

    So Betty, what the heck was he thinking? What’s up with your husband being friends with a kook? Why did the dude turn himself in? And where the heck did he stash all those bikes?

  48. I humbly suggest that we band together in a reverse “Innocence Project” sting, and catch this prank calling “psychology major” once and for all.
    Once apprehended we can do with him as we please, tar and feathers, waterboarding, ask him to be a guest blogger….etc.

  49. I remember when the Liahona bikes started appearing in my mission. They weighed more, and weren’t as good as the other bikes.

    But the big thing was they promised to replace your bicycle for free if it was stolen as long as you used the Liahona bike lock.

    That thing was a huge thing made of steel, it weighed 1.7 lbs (my companion had one and we weighed it). It really added to the bike weight. It was pretty useful however for fighting dogs. A blow blow to the head would take just about any dog out of the fight. Except Bulldogs.

    You could even wield it while fleeing on your bike.

  50. At BYU I used to go on a tree climbing tour of campus. Yeah I was bored. I remember one girl who loved going with me. We would sneak around because we were afraid some over zealous police officer would catch us. But after reading several of these police beat posts, I haven’t heard of anyone getting in trouble for tree climbing, even on trees right next to dorms.

  51. Peter LLC says:

    I had to think of the Police Beat when I read this about Bin Laden’s driver:

    Though the car he was driving contained missiles, he said from the beginning the car was borrowed and the missiles weren’t his.

    I wonder if US intelligence has tried the BYU “Are you lying?” interrogation technique.

  52. Hmmm… I think the “missing” freshman boy who was really camping is someone from my home ward.

  53. Jami-

    DH’s friend just noticed the police were tagging abandoned bikes and then picking them up after X number of days, so he saved the PD some work and started picking them up himself to sell, use for parts, ride for himself, etc. He lived in a house a few blocks south of campus with a large garage and backyard so storage was not too much of a problem. Hardly a kook! I don’t know that our friend turned himself in so this could be a similar though unrelated story.

  54. I just re-read it to be sure and I cannot imagine it is not him. He didn’t really turn himself in, it seems more like he incriminated himself when he called to ask if taking the tagged bikes was legal- I’m sure he was asked if he had been taking them before they said it wasn’t. But I could be wrong

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