Police Beat Roundtable #4

The fourth installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here , here, and here.

In late December police received a call from a man who claimed he was being stalked by a woman he worked with. Police said the woman believes she is supposed to marry him and won’t leave him alone. Officers advised the woman about the possible consequences of her actions. The case is pending to see if there is any further activity.

Steve: Possible consequence #1: the guy will come around and marry her! LOVE!!!!

Cynthia: “possible consequences” ie you could end up actually married to that loser?

Steve: possible consequence #2: marriage to a BYU Cop.

GST: Sheri Dew doesn’t quit.

Steve: good one.

Cynthia: ouch!

On Jan. 10, at 1 a.m., officers responded to a call of suspicious activity at Cougar Stadium. Police found a 21-year-old visitor inside the stadium and issued a citation. The man admitted it was unlawful for him to be there.

GST: Why did they ask for a legal opinion?

Steve: They couldn’t issue the citation without one. “sorry, buddy, but unless you admit that this is against the law, our hands are tied.”

Cynthia: he’s probably just one of those lunatics who are such a die-hard fans that they want the BYU fight song played at their funerals.

Steve: apparently trespassing in Provo requires mens rea?

Cynthia: I probably should pick a word nicer than “lunatic” since I think that includes several members of my family…

Steve: “mens rea” is a legal term, Cynthia. It means “a real man.”

GST: Trespassing takes a real man.

Cynthia: whatever, I watched “Legally Blond” and that’s not what it means!

Steve: Citing Reese Witherspoon will get you a long way through law school.

GST: BTW, I’m currently using 666 MB of my Gmail account’s allotted memory. Just noticed that.

On Jan. 15, at approximately 6 p.m. in Heritage Halls, 40 pieces of silverware were stolen from an apartment in Robison Hall. The thief took the rack containing the silverware directly out of the dishwasher.

Cynthia: clever!

Steve: Cascade with sheeting action leaves your silverware spotless….and totally pawnable.

GST: Why does Heritage have a hall named after Paul Robeson? From my time at BYU, I don’t recall there being much affection on campus for black Communists.

Cynthia: how do we know it was exactly 40 pieces? real silver or stainless? what kind of sloppy investigation is this? So many holes.

Steve: That Judas, sold his soul for 40 pieces of silver(ware)

Cynthia: har har.
I think the moral of the story is that your lazy roommate should have emptied the dishwasher as soon as it was done.

Friday, Feb. 27, Police received a report of an assault in U-Hall of Deseret Towers. Two students were involved in a fight over the control panel to a Nintendo game. One of the individuals involved was issued a citation for assault and referred to the Honor Code Office.

Steve: ironically the game was “Punch-Out”

GST: This fight was settled when the geekwads and the dorkwads reached the historic “Wad Accords”

Cynthia: is there really a U-Hall? Am I giving away my n00b-ness if I try to make a joke about U-Hall/U-Haul?

Steve: yes, you are. Besides, Deseret Towers no longer exists. Only a smoking crater remains.

GST: When we post this some jackhole is going to point that out and complain about us using old Police Beats.

Steve: inevitably. Thankfully, we have a jackhole on-staff to pre-empt such comments.

Around 2 p.m. on Sept. 25, a Green Jeep pulled into the parking lot of the N. Eldon Tanner Building and stopped in front of a student. One of the occupants told the student that he needed a pair of shorts and tossed him a pair, then drove off. This case is still under investigation.

GST: When the investigation ended, the police concluded that the student in fact did need a pair of shorts.

Steve: Mr. Greenjeep is complaining about free shorts?

Cynthia: Isn’t “Eldon” the name that Harry made fun of in When Harry Met Sally*?
*disclaimer: so I’ve heard….you know, from sinners who watch R movies…

Steve: ah no, that would be “Sheldon”

Cynthia: ah, quite right, I stand corrected.

GST: Don’t make fun of Eldon. Steve’s got his fellow Canuck’s back.

An employee at the Traffic Office noticed two men in a red Chevrolet Chevette using binoculars to look into some of the women’s rooms at Deseret Towers Monday night. The employee told police the car was parked in the Traffic Office parking lot and when she was walking by, one of the men looked directly at her and tried to hide the binoculars. She identified one of the men as a white male, 48, with dark brown hair and glasses. The other man was identified as a 35-year-old with dark brown hair and blue eyes. Police said the case is still under investigation.

Steve: The crime under investigation is operation of a Chevette.

Cynthia: how do you identify a stranger as 48 years old exactly? just sayin

Steve: so the dark brown hair dude may or may not be a white male.

Cynthia: Also, who goes peeping-toming in pairs? That’s at least 10 times creepier than going by yourself.

GST: They were home teaching.

Steve: They were casing the joint. The Traffic Office is known world-wide for its kruggerand collection. Or as they call them, “Cougar Ands.”

Cynthia: I think GST might be on to something. The binoculars were just part of the object lesson.

Three items of clothing were stolen from Wymount Terrace laundry room #2 on Nov. 29. Police said a couple were doing their laundry and placed some clothes in one of the dryers. When they returned, the clothes were gone. Police said a brown jacket, a long-sleeved white shirt and a pair of pink Spandex pants totaling $40 were stolen.

Cynthia: I think the thief was just trying to be helpful!

Steve: That ensemble is so money!

Cynthia: pink spandex? c’mon!

Steve: gotta combine all three, plus accessorize.

GST: And Jazzercize!

Four juveniles were caught supergluing coins to the marble floor of the Marriott Center concourse Tuesday night during the BYU basketball game. The four boys were turned over to an adult advisor and have been referred to juvenile court. Police said the damage has not been determined.

Steve: The coins were referred to the BYU Traffic Office.

GST: The damage is presumably off-set by the value of the coins.

Cynthia: and the entertainment value of watching people try to pick them up! Those kids won’t be around to enjoy it, but we can.

GST: Let it not be in vain.

A BYU employee was walking near the Franklin S. Harris Fine Arts Center on Sept. 6 around 8:50 a.m. when she heard the cries of a kitten. She found the animal hiding near by and attempted to determine the problem. As she picked up the small kitten, the animal attacked scratching and biting her. When the police arrived they were unable to locate the offending feline.

GST: The woman glued some coins to the kitten and went on her way.

Cynthia: the BYU employee just wanted to love her and hug her and keep her for her very own

Steve: She was on her way to the Ted Nugent concert at the HFAC.

GST: CAT SCRATCH FEVER!

Steve: YES!!!! THANKS GST!

Cynthia: well-played, gentlemen

GST: You know that I love The Nuge.

Steve: bump, set….. SPIKE! Sadly, cat-scratch fever in real life can be deadly.
–and that’s one to grow on.

GST: So can the Motor City Madman!

Cynthia: Steve, nobody is buying your anti-cat propaganda — you are a well-known cat-hater (motor city madman?)

GST: Ted the Sledge!

At 8:30 p.m. on Sept. 18, a man approached a student on 1230 N. The student reported that the man seemed semi-incoherent as he talked about 8-year-old children. He said children are innocent and should not be molested. He mentioned Jesus, made several lewd comments and then said he had to go talk to someone on campus. Police have no suspects.

GST: Future CES director.

Steve: And that man’s name was John Bytheway.

Cynthia: I think semi-incoherent was being generous

Steve: Turns out — children should not, in fact, be molested, contrary to popular opinion.

GST: He made some good points, in there with the lewdness.

A family in Wymount Terrace reported a stolen bike on Sept. 16. The bike of their 3-year-old child had been missing since Sept. 14. The case was later closed when the bike was located in a bush near the apartment.

Steve: And with that, little Timmy’s Operation: NEW BIKE completely failed.

GST: I can imagine the cop taking the report. “3 year-old’s bike missing? WE’RE ON IT! SCRAMBLE THE STRIKE FORCE!”

On Jan. 25 at 2:30 p.m., a 22-year-old male was accused of stealing a DVD. He was cited for shoplifting the movie “Maverick” valued at $24.98.

Cynthia: that figure seems pretty high

GST: I agree. Not to condone shoplifting.

Steve: we are talking about Maverick, Cynthia. Jodie Foster? Mel Gibson? James Garner? Well worth double that.

GST: I remember that movie. It wouldn’t end.

Steve: A delightful romp through the Old West.

Cynthia: Steve, you’re on your own I think

Steve: It was shortly after Maverick that Gibson started with the DUIs and weird comments about the Jews and rejecting Vatican II.

GST: (Off the record) That was the last movie in which Jodie Foster attempted to play a heterosexual.

Steve: dude that is so on the record.

A license plate bearing a religiously affiliated message was stolen from a car parked at Deseret Towers. The Ohio license plates were stolen sometime between Sunday and Monday. Police have no suspects.

GST: I suspect the forces of evil.

Steve: Ohio plates reading “BAHAI4U” or “JWSREVIL”

GST: LUVBAAL

A student found a five-dollar bill in a snack room of the Smoot Administration Building. The student turned it into the police on Tuesday. After 60 days, if no one claims the money, it will be awarded to the student who turned it in.

GST: “I lost a five dollar bill.” “What did it look like?” “It had a picture of Lincoln on it.” “Here you go!”

Steve: you’d better know the serial no. of that five-dollar bill, sucka. If you want Da Lincolnz you gotta play da game.

Cynthia: yet why do I feel like there’s at least 50-50 odds that thing went the full 60 days? Actually, if it were my $5, I’d wait until day 59 to claim it, just to get that sucka’s hopes up before crushing them.

Steve: Times are tough out there, waiting two months for that $5. you know the student is just thinking, “man, only 60 days before I can get another 30-pack of Ramen”

Maybe he found it somewhere suspicious in the Snack Room? Inside of a snack?

GST: When I was a kid I found a fiver in front of the Orange Julius in the mall. I picked it up and gave it to the guy behind the counter. “Here, I found this in the mall in front of your store.” I still remember to stupid look he gave me. I feel stupid anew every time I tell that story. And I tell it a lot, because it’s a great story.

Steve: Dude I feel stupid just reading your story.

GST: Then my work is done here.

Comments

  1. I stole the “Wad Accords” joke from The Onion, as Cynthia annoyingly pointed out later. I figured I’d better get out in front of that issue.

  2. An employee at the Traffic Office noticed two men in a red Chevrolet Chevette using binoculars to look into some of the women’s rooms at Deseret Towers Monday night. The employee told police the car was parked in the Traffic Office parking lot

    They were just a little confused about what kind of trafficking goes on in the Traffic Office.

    Cynthia: how do you identify a stranger as 48 years old exactly? just sayin

    Because he looks two years older than a 46-year-old would. Duh.

    Cynthia: Also, who goes peeping-toming in pairs? That’s at least 10 times creepier than going by yourself.

    And in a Chevette?

  3. You stole the “Wad Accords” but redeemed yourself with “LUVBAAL”.

  4. Note that none of the peeping toms or the semi-incoherent gentleman were accused of having moustaches. The cleanshaven are the perverts, I tell you!

  5. Cynthia: Isn’t “Eldon” the name that Harry made fun of in When Harry Met Sally*?
    *disclaimer: so I’ve heard….you know, from sinners who watch R movies…

    Steve: ah no, that would be “Sheldon”

    Cynthia: ah, quite right, I stand corrected.

    Steve, I can’t belive you took the bait. Cynthia was just trying to get you to slip up and reveal that you have seen an R-rated movie too. Correcting her was like accusing someone of keeping their eyes open during the prayer . . . you implicate yourself in the process.

  6. GST: (Off the record) That was the last movie in which Jodie Foster attempted to play a heterosexual.

    I guess you’ve never seen “The Brave One (2007)”

  7. i can’t even make it past the first one because of gst’s sheri dew comment. hilarious! that would’ve garnered an “oh, SNAP!” were i, uh, less cultured?

  8. Cat stratch fever isn’t that bad. Alarmist felinaphope.

  9. And for the record, Maverick is a great movie. One of my all-time favorites.

  10. Wow.

  11. Susan, I take it that “wow” was in relation to CE’s confession in #9?

  12. Is there a law against giving away shorts?

    Oh, and I loved Operation: NEW BIKE.

  13. Sometimes semi-coherent male – Check
    Thinks 8yo’s shouldn’t be molested – Check
    Makes lewd comments – Check again

    I so fit the profile, I better stay out of Provo until they catch the real guy.

    And Cynthia, because the Y is filled with so many perfect people, the Lord had to make up some new gifts of the spirit; like being able to discern the age of people by sight. It is the hymn book collector of gifts.

  14. a brown jacket, a long-sleeved white shirt and a pair of pink Spandex pants totaling $40 were stolen.

    Clearly a good Samaritan was looking to teach this couple a laundry lesson: SEPARATE. Those items should have been in separate loads.

  15. Generally I find this series funny. But this time there is a serious blind spot. Not enough reports of “susp. males”

  16. –and that’s one to grow on.

    I prefer, ‘…and knowing is half the battle,’ but well-played.

  17. Norbert, either way would be great. For those who don’t know what the sam hill we’re talking about:

    One to Grow On

    …and knowing is half the battle!

    of course these latter ones have been the darlings of the interwebs, where parody versions abound. Here is one of my favorites (WARNING: BAD BAD BAD LANGUAGE in some of these).

  18. I want to know what the couple was doing in the laundry room that they had removed their clothes for. Inquiring minds want to know.

  19. still love this stuff, guys

  20. Thankfully, we have a jackhole on-staff to pre-empt such comments.

    Ready to name names?

  21. I am a little confused…

    Is it a crater that is smoking or is it a Designated Smoking Crater for off-campus visitors?

  22. Around 2 p.m. on Sept. 25, a Green Jeep pulled into the parking lot of the N. Eldon Tanner Building and stopped in front of a student. One of the occupants told the student that he needed a pair of shorts and tossed him a pair, then drove off. This case is still under investigation.

    Ahem.

  23. Forget that last ahem. Ahem.

  24. Odd that the SAME EVENT would occur at the same time, on the same date, in MULTIPLE YEARS! A serial crime. Thankfully the Daily Universe’s coverage was consistent.

  25. #23 – May I just point out that Justin is freakishly amazing? Dude, how did you remember that – or think to check it?

  26. Ray, when one is cornered by a Jeep and then assaulted by a pair of shorts, it’s very difficult to forget. A decade has passed, but it feels like it was only six years ago.

  27. Nice try Justin, but your efforts to insert yourself into history only put the real victim’s pain into sharper relief. Fortunately that young lad made a firmer resolve to move forward in his studies in the Tanner Building, and today Frank McIntyre is read and loved by millions. And the shorts? He ate them, as he was so often instructed to do.

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