Police Beat Roundtable #5

The fifth installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here , here, here and here.

This time, a special guest: Adam Greenwood.

A male was seen disposing of a cup out the window of his truck at Wymount Terrace on Jan. 16. A female witnessed the act and returned the cup to the owner. She asked him not to litter, and while driving away, the male threw the cup out of his window. A second witness called the University Police and reported the act. The male, a non-student, was cited for littering.

Cynthia: free cup!

Adam: “Disposing of a cup”–the Hinckley genitive.

GST: I cannot believe that. Let’s move on.

Steve: GST was that your cup/truck?

GST: Next.

Cynthia: what a great way to meet/pick up on environmentalist girls

Steve: The cup read “return me to my rightful owner, and I will make you my bride.”

GST: Cynthia, if that’s the case, then I should have them all over me for the superfund site I created in my backyard.

Adam: Moral pollution doesn’t count for superfund, GST.

A male suspect was cited for gross lewdness and trespassatory voyeurism for his conduct on Nov. 10. A resident of Wymount Terrace called to report an unknown man in a black coat with a video camera in an area near the apartments. When police arrived they found an unattended video camera videotaping an open window of one of the apartments. The officers on the scene confiscated the camera and returned to the station. Later the same day, a man arrived in the police station to ask about a missing video camera. An officer confirmed the man as the owner of the equipment and arrested him for the incident. The man was later released but the video equipment was retained as evidence by the University Police.

Steve: “trespassatory voyeurism”

Cynthia: they “confiscated the camera and returned to the station”…..no word on what they did next?! hmm….highly suspicious.

GST: You know, the lewdness charge suggests that he taped himself too. So savor that thought, Steve.

Adam: What happened to the black coat? Chekhov would be pissed.

GST: When you show a black coat in act one, it had better come off.

Steve: Gotta say, having looked into many Wymount windows, that is one boring videotape.

Adam: Hey, legal mavens–is it not voyeurism if you film through a closed window?

Steve: Boy I hope so

GST: What am I, Oliver Wendell Holmes? Look it up.

At 7:20 a.m., March 20, police received a report of animals being found in the men’s restroom on the seventh floor of V-Hall of Deseret Towers. The responding officers found five live chickens in a cardboard box, 50 dead goldfish in the sinks and a layer of straw six to eight inches deep covering the bathroom floor. An investigation led to the identification of the truck that was used to transport the straw. Charges are pending against the owner of the truck and police are continuing an investigation to identify others involved with the incident.

Adam: Straw is serious stuff.

Steve: They also found Cthulhu, a horrible betentacled Elder God, stuck in the group shower drain.

GST: Seems like a pretty straight-forward illegal livestock husbandry operation. No big deal.

Cynthia: so….a bunch of dead/mistreated animals, and we’re going after the guy who was involved with the straw?

GST: That was the last straw.

Adam: Hey, officer, that’s not straw. Its just dried grass.

Steve: Local brickmakers were desperate without it.

Adam: He used it to strawp his razor.

Cynthia: What do you think would be the street value of that grass…er straw? I don’t even know what “strawp” is–is that a real word?

GST: The only “local brickmakers” in Mormondom are the senior missionaries at Nauvoo that we have dragooned into slaving in our souvenir brickyard.

Adam: If you’re going to vomit the goldfish you ate–don’t do it in the public sink. C’mon, man.

Steve: “Strawp” is onomatopoeia. Like Hagrid’s pet Grawp.

A naked man was reported on BYU campus on Jan. 10. Police found a man wrapped in a blanket, sitting in his truck with the heater running in lot 3 of the Harris Fine Arts Center. The man had fallen into a pond while playing Frisbee golf and had stripped out of his clothes to maintain warmth. He was waiting outside of the HFAC to pick up his girlfriend from class.

GST: “Hi, honey!”

Adam: You’re never fully dressed without a smile.

Steve: They don’t call it “Ultimate” for nothing.

Cynthia: that is the recommended method for curing hypothermia, ya know

Adam: Waiting for your girlfriend?

GST: Yeah, I know. The cops would prefer that he die.

Adam: And if you’re wearing a blanket, you’re not naked.

Cynthia: either this guy was on the verge of death, or he’s the best liar in the history of BYU

Adam: Woe unto the Frisbee golfer, for he shall be thrust down to hell.

Steve: he would have covered himself with said Frisbee, but it was an Aerobie.

Adam: Also, it was wet.

GST: The actual scriptural term is “frolfer.”

Computer Crime

Around 9:30 a.m. on Sept. 29, a faculty member reported data was altered on his computer and a shelf moved. Police said any form of tampering with computer information or systems is a crime.

GST: Even tampering by poltergeists.

Steve: Said faculty member’s gchat status line was altered to “hi i am a total humorless jerkwad”

Adam: A shelf? We always call them files.

GST: You’ve got to keep your files on something. That thing is a shelf.

Adam: I keep them on my computer.

Steve: Why is this moving shelf so remarkable and/or criminal? Was it a continental shelf or something?

Cynthia: maybe this was a call for help? maybe he was just really lonely and wanted someone to talk to. Then Steve goes and calls him a jerkwad.

Steve: you just summed up the essence of Police Beat. But, as gst said, it was a poltergeist. Ergo not Steve, since Steve is not Dead.

Adam: Next week: suicide. Anyway, lonely or not, you still shouldn’t delete that dude’s p*rn files.

On Sept. 24 at 4:15 p.m. University Police banned a 24 year-old male from campus for panhandling. The man is a vagrant who was asking for money outside the BYU bookstore. Panhandling is against Provo City Ordinance.

GST: He was actually working for the Alumni Fund.

Adam: He was panhandling AND asking for money? What a jerk.

GST: BTW, I wonder if this fellow was at all suspicious. That is, suspicious-looking.

Adam: A vagrant? Nah.

Steve: The week before he was out panning by a BYU pond and discovered several gold nuggets, some dead goldfish and a Frisbee.

Adam: He was probably just on a delightful romp through the Old West.

GST: lol

Steve: Well played.

Cynthia: hee

FOUND

A police officer found an old laptop, three pictures and a vegetable juicer at the N. Eldon Tanner Building on March 23 at 2 p.m. Police are investigating whether the property was stolen or items from a Relief Society swap meet.

Steve: You can’t make this stuff up.

Adam: $5 says swapmeet.

Cynthia: wait, is that the first joke or that was part of the Police Beat? heh

GST: Nate Oman’s dad would love to get his hands on an artifact of such importance as N. Eldon Tanner’s vegetable juicer.

Adam: I just hope the RS remembers that any form of tampering with computer information or systems is a crime.

Steve: They have a Strike Team like in The Shield. Their female Vic Mackey will infiltrate the RS and kick some heads.

Adam: That’s a historic juicer. The stories it could tell. Sego lilies. Crickets.

A couple of stories, to file under “Armageddon Comes to Provo”:

A pyrotechnic demonstration blew up at the LDS Motion Picture Studio on Tuesday. The instructor received a 2nd degree burn on his hand. His clothing and hair were burned as well. He was treated at the hospital and released. None of the students were injured.

Two male freshmen poured gasoline over two lanes of road and set it on fire on Sunday between 2 and 3 a.m. Police were called to 900 East across from Deseret Towers. The suspects have been turned over to the city prosecutor. No citation was issued.

Cynthia: the “suspects” ie the professor?

Steve: One of the male freshmen shaved his head, donned a hockey mask and called himself “The Lord Humongous”

GST: When at BYU, I was known as “Toecutter.”

Adam: Always use inert, non-flammable pyrotechnics. Lesson learned.

Cynthia: the real question is, is burned hair considered an “extreme” style in violation of the BYU Honor Code grooming standards?

Adam: Not if you have a doctor’s note.

Steve: Prof. Darkman was later banned from the Testing Center for not meeting the Honor Code.

GST: Or if you need it for a school-sponsored pyro-technic demonstration.

Adam: That was the vagrant’s problem–no doctor’s note. Did I say doctor’s note? I meant burn card. Or bum card. Depending.

GST: Or the naked dude by the HFAC. He could have presented a doctor’s note saying “Jim needs to remove his wet clothing to prevent death. Dr. Rosenrosen.”

Steve: Excellent Fletch reference.

Adam: “Fred can only go potty in straw. Dr. Suzuki.”

On March 5, between 12:45 p.m. and 1:00 p.m. a strange letter was received by the KBYU Media Center. The letter had a lump in it, so the recipient put the letter in the microwave hoping to neutralize the substance if it was Anthrax. The letter started on fire and by the time the recipient could put out the flames, the only readable part of the letter was the return address. The return address read, “Shadows of things to come.” Police are unsure about the substance contained in the letter.

Cynthia: wha!!

Adam: Can’t improve this with comment.

GST: Sounds like Inspector Clouseau.

Steve: ….and Adam is immediately proved right.

Adam: Quick! to the Batcrowave!

Steve: The lump in the letter was a simple gold ring; upon microwaving it revealed letters written in an ancient tongue, something about the Cougareat and binding people.

Cynthia: FBI’s SOP for suspicious packages containing unknown, possibly terrorist-related substances: place in microwave

Steve: perhaps the recipient was expecting a chimneychanga?

Adam: Bomb Squad II: Portable Microwave.

Also — letter read: “Dear sir, enclosed please find your wallet.”

Steve: Turns out the substance was not Anthrax, but Night Ranger.

Adam: I didn’t know shadows were flammable. Huh.

Cynthia: steve, I don’t think that’s how you spell chimmychanga

Steve: totally is. ignoramus.

Adam: I think that is how Steve spells chimichanga.

Cynthia: ha! touché.

GST: I thought it was a given name, like Jimmy Chunga.

On Jan. 22 in the WSC Memorial lounge, a suspicious male was reported. The victim was sleeping on a sofa between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. when a male student woke her up and asked to borrow her newspaper. After giving it to him, she fell back asleep. A short time later she awoke to find the same male stoking her hair. She told him to stop and again fell back asleep. The third time she awoke, the male was stoking her hair again. She quickly left and reported the incident. The man is described as being white, between 6′ and 6’2″, thin, with blonde messy hair and a stubble beard.

On Feb. 5 at 7:30 p.m., a female in the Memorial lounge of the Wilkinson Student Center noticed a suspicious male. The victim was sleeping on a sofa when the suspicious male began stroking her hair. When she woke up and realized what was happening, she quickly left the scene. Fifteen minutes later, while the victim was eating in the Cougareat, the same man walked by. She then reported the incident to the police. The man is described as being white, between 5’11” to 6’tall, weighing between 190 to 200 lbs., with blonde hair and a stubble beard.

Cynthia: yes! SM is back

Adam: Suspicious male!

Steve: “Can I borrow your newspaper? Purrrrrrrrrrr…….purrrrrrrrrrrr……..”

Cynthia: I’ll pay $100 to the first person to name themselves and/or their child “Suspicious Male”

Steve: Odds of this being the same person: ZERO

GST: Why is he suspicious? Who does he suspect?

Adam: Blonde-haired guy with stubble beard is here. He wants his cash.

Steve: What the sam hill is Kurt Cobain’s ghost doing at the Wilk?

Cynthia: well naturally his hair is messy, given he likes “stoking” hair so much

Adam: I know this is controversial, but isn’t this really the woman’s fault? I raise my daughters not to sleep on strange couches.

GST: EXACTLY. She’s sending mixed messages. Lending newspapers willy nilly

Adam: Yeah. She says ‘no’ but then she FALLS BACK ASLEEP. You know who else fell asleep? JEZEBEL.

Cynthia: oh boy, are you guys finished?!

GST: Nothing screams “consent” like falling asleep.

Steve: I thought public sleeping = “please stroke my hair.”

Adam: Having a stroke in public is bad manners.

Steve: The Pantene Bandit? Fructis Freako?

GST: Pert Perv.

Adam: Follicular Fondler

Cynthia: I just need somebody to explain to me what “stoking” hair means. Do I need to look this up in the Urban Dictionary?

GST: In a hair-burning engine, the fuel is periodically stoked for maximum efficiency.

Adam: Sure. The guy was just a prospector looking for a good hair lode.

On Jan. 22, at 3:57 p.m., a man was reported leaving the bookstore carrying a gun. When the officer located the male they found he was carrying a chrome, toy pistol. When the officer asked the 22-year-old male student why he was carrying the gun, he said his roommate told him it would get chicks. The officers cautioned the male on carrying or simulating a weapon before he was released.

Adam: But after he was released, no problem. Anyway, I guess the cup didn’t work.

GST: No quotes around “chicks.” So that’s Police Beat’s term, I take it.

Steve: Best. Roommate. Ever. DKL, perhaps?

Adam: What do you mean, “perhaps”.

GST: Nothing says “mad, bad, and dangerous to know” like a toy gun in your waistband.

Steve: btw chicks dig being held up at fake gunpoint. I read that at FMH. Silence, Cynthia!

Cynthia: maybe it’s true that a gun could help you get chicks, however: (1) those kinds of chicks are not going to be very impressed by a TOY gun, (2) I’m guessing not a lot of overlap with the kinds of chicks who are the bookstore types

Adam: Oh, yeah? This chrome toy says you are available Friday night. You’re going to the wrong kind of bookstore. Nuff said.

An angry unidentified female student entered the bookstore on Jan 17 at noon. She said she was angry about the Olympic pins from Macedonia displayed in the bookstore. A witness said the female claimed the pins offended her and she demanded the pins be removed from the display.

Cynthia: !

Adam: I guess what the pins said is unprintable.

GST: I feel her. I can’t stand [expletive] Macedonians.

Steve: They were pins of Macedonia’s famous pornographers, starting with Alexander the Great.

Cynthia: I’d like to think this is some kind of elaborate performance art.

GST: You have hit upon the other great meta explanation of Police Beat.

Adam: How did the police get involved? Oh, right. performance art.

GST: Macedonian ADL called them.

Steve: One of them depicted Macedonia’s equally famous Naked Frisbee Golf Team.

Adam: That explains why the naked guy was at the HFAC.

Cynthia: re: ADL–and they were happy to do it! they’re like the Maytag Man of ADLs

Adam: I’ve always wanted to know–do you call ‘em Macedons or Macedonians?

GST: Macedonians with a hard “c”

Adam: That IS offensive.

GST: Well, usually “[same expletive] Macedonians.”

Adam: This is pathetic. How are we supposed to top the original Police Beat item?

GST: You can’t. You just can’t. Make your comment and move on.

Adam: I feel like I’m on a reality TV show, ‘layups with Kobe.’ And I’m not Kobe. I mean, Utah is supposed to have one of the highest rates of psychotropic drug prescriptions, right? Yet we get stories like these. UTAHNS, REMEMBER TO TAKE YOUR PILLS.

On Feb. 8 in the women’s locker room at the Richard’s building, a theft was reported. The victim returned from her aerobics class at 5:45 p.m. and began to change when a woman called her by name. The women said her name was Shantelle Wright and that she was a detective. The woman said she was investigating a top-secret gang case and that the victim was involved in an associated drug incident. The woman claimed that the victim’s credit card had been used to purchase drugs. The woman proceeded to ask the victim for her personal information including bank account numbers and pin numbers. The woman told the victim not to tell her parents, friends, or family about the case because of its top-secret nature. Before leaving, the woman told the victim she would call her on Sunday. When the victim returned to her locker, she noticed her debit card, wallet, and $19 were missing from her locker. More than $1600 has since been taken from the victim’s bank account. This case still remains under investigation.

ALSO—

On Tues., March 12, at 4:15 p.m., officers received a call that a suspicious man was sitting in a car south of the football practice field looking at pornography. Officers responded. At 5:30 p.m., a dispatcher received a call from a victim in the same parking lot. The victim had been walking to her car when a 220-pound man wearing a pink thong and a pink swimming cap came out from between two cars. The victim ran to her car, locked the doors and called the police. The victim lost sight of the suspect before the police arrived and they were unable to locate the man. Orem Police reported a similar case on Feb. 27. The investigation is continuing.

Cynthia: also, some dude from Nigeria needs your info….

Adam: Note: real detectives don’t say they’ll call you on Sunday. That’s the Sabbath.

Steve: Shantelle rolled on Shabbos!

Adam: 220-lb men wearing pink thongs=hard to locate? Really?

GST: Looking at the picture on his online bio, I never would have put Frank McIntyre at 220 lbs.

Cynthia: a pink thong….a pink thong…..

Adam: Probably a Ute. Cougar thongs are blue.

Steve: 220lbs? That was no thong, that was a tarp.

Cynthia: actually steve, thong sizes don’t really have to scale up to the total body weight. It’s like one size fits all.

Adam: Maybe he was wearing a pink song. He lisps.

Steve: Whatever Cynthia, welcome to the world of man-thongs.

Adam: That’s not Steve’s experience.

Steve: Classic Macedonian tribalwear.

Cynthia: Steve’s been watching his waistline purely to be able to keep wearing his thong—-good news, Steve! you can gain as much as you want.

Steve: It is an (ever increasingly) enormous relief.

Adam: I feel bad for Shantelle Wright’s grammar problem. She said ‘had been used to purchase drugs’ when she meant ‘would be.’ Common mistake.

Steve: I must admit the swimming cap is something of an anomaly. It pushes the story over the top for me. Also I envision a rubber swimcap with floral texturing.

GST: A lot of street drug dealers accept the Discover card.

Adam: Get a thick thong, or else the Olympic pins hurt. Also — never buy from a dealer who wants cash. That’s shady.

Steve: In an AMAZING coincidence, Shantelle Wright was approximately 220lbs and wearing a pink swimcap.

Adam: Great undercover work.

Steve: –which she explained is standard-issue Provo City Police detective apparel.

Adam: I would have never have suspected she was a detective.

Steve: it’s like Clouseau’s trenchcoat.

Adam: Clouseau was the guy with the videocamera? Or are we talking about a different trenchcoat?

Cynthia: I think the punishment for all of today’s offenders should be to put them into a room together for eternity.

Adam: “You have the right to remain silent–especially with your family, friends, and parents.”

Steve: Maybe the pink thong/swimcap were all the man could bear to wear on his skin, which was horribly burned in a LDS Motion Picture Studio pyrotechnics accident? Which is why Darkman had no pool scenes.

Adam: “Jim has to wear a pink thong/swimcap for top secret reasons. Dr. Shantelle.”

Cynthia: the problem with a thong is no pockets–nowhere to keep your Doctor’s notes.

Adam: Use Olympic pins.

Steve: oh, use your imagination Cynthia.

GST: Unless you’re trying to smuggle the note into East Berlin. Then I can think of a place.

Adam: West Berlin?

Steve: your average wearer can keep more bills in a thong than I have in my wallet.

Cynthia: you would know!

Steve: oh snap.

GST: If Steve’s experience as a Chippendale’s patron is any guide.

Cynthia: oh, SNAP!

Adam: I thought you gave that up for Lent, steve. I’m hurt. And offended.
-signed: angry, unidentified female.

Steve: –note to self, include classic video of Chris Farley vs. Patrick Swayze.

Can I borrow your newspaper, Adam? purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Adam: Huzzah! I thought you’d never ask. But, no, you can’t. I need it to ward off hypothermia.

Cynthia: I think we may have just come up with the first 100% unpublishable PBR.

Steve: Why, I don’t know why anyone would object. This is almost as good as Maverick — ALMOST.

Adam: A delightful romp through the Old West.

Steve: all right, I think we are at the end. Good job everyone, except GST.

Adam: Next up: professional bull riding.

Steve: 8 Seconds. 2nd best Luke Perry movie.

Adam: First best:

Cynthia: he was in movies?

Steve: Buffy!

Adam: Maverick. Also, Suspicious Male III: Return of the Microwave

Comments

  1. Adam Greenwood says:

    I’m offended.

  2. The role of Adam Greenwood was played by m&m.

  3. Adam Greenwood says:

    The role of “vagrant” was played by Adam Greenwood.

  4. Adam Greenwood says:

    The role of Luke Perry was played by Luke Perry, playing himself.

  5. Adam Greenwood says:

    Special thanks to “victim.”

  6. Actually, we are exaggerating. Each of these police beat roundtables so far have been the solo product of Adam Greenwood, who sends them in as guest posts.

  7. Adam Greenwood says:

    Special thanks to Adam Greenwood.

  8. Finally more susp. males

  9. Steve, you forgot your own note to self!

  10. Max Seawright says:

    Buffy!

  11. That was the best one yet. Way to pull it all together for the finale!

  12. Little Sister says:

    FINALE!?!?!? But why?? The DU is an endless source of entertainment…

  13. “Mad, bad, and dangerous to know”? Angelina Ballerina Reference?

  14. Trespassatory. I love cop lingo.

    How much nerve does it take to walk into a police station to report your voyeur camera missing?

    Nicely done, everybody. This was fun.

  15. Matt W., how embarrassing for you.

  16. Wow. This was . . . inconceivable. The last commentary was incredible.

  17. Little Sister, never fear, PBR is not dead yet. (and I think Tatiana was referring to the finale of *this* PBR)

  18. Awesome, I was outright laughing at points which had my wife wondering what local straw I might be using.

  19. The problem I find with picking up chicks with a fake gun is that they grow up. Then you have to store them in the shared restroom with a layer of straw.

  20. No wonder they blew up DT–so many shenanigans!

  21. Steve Evans says:

    ESO, maybe DT killed itself out of self-loathing.

  22. Adam Greenwood says:

    Nice, TStevens. I kept trying to think of some chick-chickens joke during that section, but the old bean didn’t come up with anything.

  23. #13, Matt W: Actually it’s a reference to Lord Byron. He was so naughty.

  24. Buffy the Vampire Slayer WAS Luke Perry’s best movie! And not bad for PeeWee Herman! (And the only Buffy for me.)

    The “suspicious lump” one still has me creeped out. What was it?!?

  25. Steve Evans says:

    FHL, word up.

  26. References to Luke Perry and suspicious males is especially interesting for anyone who watched Law and Order last night…

  27. Since when did R. Kelly move to Provo?

  28. FHL… given that it went to KBYU… I’m guessing it was quality programming. And now it’s gone. So much for this year on Channel 11.

  29. #24: who knows, but somebody needs to put a bar of soap in an envelope and mail it to KBYU.

  30. 8 Seconds? Wasn’t that a biopic about Eminem’s preschool days?

  31. Steve Evans says:

    That was 8 Mile.

  32. Great stuff, I always enjoy the police beat. It’s such a unique thing about BYU. My dream is to make the beat someday…

  33. #32 – Way to aim high! :)

  34. Adam Greenwood says:

    Are you male? Bearded? Comfortable with casual nudity? The police beat may be for you!

  35. so funny!
    I was laughing so hard I was crying. I haven’t heard/read this kind of crazy humor since I was at BYU. (and no, nobody stroked my hair while I slept on a couch).
    well done.

  36. Steve Evans says:

    Did they stoke your hair Jessawhy?

  37. PBR Lover says:

    I find this pertinent.

    Way to go guys, keep it up! BYU’s PB is so much more entertaining than mine own… :D

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