Police Beat Roundtable #10

The tenth installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

This week: Geoff J. drops in as special guest, with disastrous results.

A former student, carrying a hacksaw and a bike, was stopped in the Deseret Towers area at 11:30 a.m. on Saturday. An officer interviewed the individual, and the former student claimed the bike was his. The individual was warned and released due to lack of evidence.

Cynthia: eewwwkay then

Steve: Lack of evidence!

GST: You know, except for the bike and saw and all.

Cynthia: maybe he was doing some kind of scouting project?

Steve: that must have been a helluva interview. What was it, a PPI about home teaching?

Geoff: But what of the hacksaw? Did no one ask if the hacksaw was his?

Cynthia: I think this is really an indictment of BYU.

GST: Maybe he used the BIKE to steal the HACKSAW. You just blew my mind.

Steve: Hacksaw theft is rampant in the Provo-Orem metroplex.

Cynthia: this former student has found his degree so worthless that he’s been reduced to stealing bikes from BYU to earn a living.

GST: That’s probably why the BYU cop didn’t bust him. He felt some institutional guilt.

Geoff: Worse — he was reduced to stealing hacksaws and escaping on his bike!

Cynthia: be warned, BYU students–you’re looking at your future.

Steve: It’s a “former student”, not an alum. So it’s like that Calendar Guy, reduced to hacksaw theft to earn his bread.

Geoff: Let that be a lesson to us all about graduating!

Cynthia: maybe he should just cut to the chase and do bread theft.

Steve: Jean Valjean Jr. has a ways to go.

Three 8-year-old individuals were caught after poking holes in tires of a car at Wymount building 10A. The vandalism occurred between 2 p.m. May 31 and 5 p.m. June 1. The 8-year-olds poked a hole in one tire with scissors. As the tire deflated, the car tipped to one side. When the 8-year-olds saw the car tipping, they poked a hole in the tire on the other side, to even the car out.
The parents are handling the matter. The damage is estimated at $150.

Cynthia: wow, very quick thinking there!

GST: At least they can’t be charged with aggravated asymmetry.

Geoff: Well balanced children at least…

Cynthia: as long as they walked to the car, and not ran, I see no problem here

Steve: They’re 8, and therefore accountable. Take em to the Wymount Waterboarding Complex and get some real information about their safety-scissor terror cell.

Cynthia: can scissors really cut a hole in a tire?? Color me surprised.

Geoff: Didn’t anyone tell them to get that out of the way before they turned 8?

Steve: NO MERCY!

GST: By the way, here’s a tip about higher education: If you have an eight year-old, and you’re still living in student housing, you’re doing it wrong.

Cynthia: lolz!!

Geoff: Lots of people go to college for 8 years…

Steve: Probably grad students living off a welfare check (insert ultimate megathread here)

GST: I wish a PBR would get 800 comments. That would be great.

Steve: Yes We Can, GST, Change is Coming to America.

Cynthia: PBR readers, hear our cry! We desire 800 comments! Yes We Can!!

Steve: We need a picture of GST in red and blue tones: “HOPE”

GST: Snark you can believe in.

Another student in Wymount reported to University Police she received three crank phone calls between June 18 and July 6. She said the calls consisted of boys laughing and gibberish. The calls came from Deseret Towers. Police have no suspects.

GST: Unless someone is there to translate, it is not the gift of tongues.

Cynthia: backstory: it is revealed to boy that she is to marry him, and he is so overcome by the spirit that he speaks in tongues. Also, he desires to give her the gift of tongue. [wait, I just realized that sounds MUCH worse than I intended.....]

GST: lol

Steve: A cunning linguist!

Steve: Incidentally, I found the audio track recorded by the Campus Police.

Geoff: Heheh…. He said tongues

Steve: You know, I suspect this is misreporting. The story should read: “The calls came from Deseret Towers. Police have 5,836 suspects.”

Cynthia: wait, isn’t Wymount the married student housing? wife-search FAIL

On Sept. 8 at 11:05 p.m., a female resident of Wymount reported a threatening phone call. She said the caller threatened to kill her. The suspect then proceeded to make lewd comments and called her disturbing names. Police were able to track the call back to Chicago. The case is still under investigation.

GST: Kevin Barney, damn him.

Cynthia: BREAKING: Obama harrasses BYU students!

Steve: Barney nothing, the caller was William Ayers.

GST: He regrets not doing more.

Steve: Kevin was just palling around with him.

GST: He’s just a guy in Kevin’s neighborhood.

Geoff: On a board with him, that’s all.

Cynthia: it couldn’t have been Obama, because then the report would have read, “suspicious male caller.”

Steve: That all went down when Kevin was only 8, out there levelling out flat car tires.

GST: Kevin’s suspicious too: he has a beard.

Steve: Kevin’s really suspicious: he IS a beard.

GST: That’s … not good. Suggests that his wife is gay.

Steve: I’m straight up saying it. Kevin’s wife is gay. And a terrorist. FARMS can’t help you now, Barney!!!

Geoff: She was bugged about the disturbing names… Seems like the death threat would be enough to report…

GST: Yeah, you’d think so, Geoff. Was it Churchill that said something along the lines of, “If you’re trying to kill someone, it doesn’t hurt to be polite about it.”

Steve: Sounds like Churchill. Or Chef Boyardee.

Geoff: All’s I’m saying is that names will never hurt her, but killing her might…

Cynthia: what are “disturbing names”? Like Lady Macbeth or Freddy?

Steve: whomever said names will never hurt obviously never studied the ways of the Bene Gesserit.

GST: Kevin Barney is a killing word.

Geoff: Maybe they called her “beard wearer” or “Kevin Barney”

GST: His constituents were upset about him signing a communication to Ribbentrop or someone, “I remain, &c”

As a female student approached a red light in her car on Tuesday night, her brakes failed. The student was heading south on 900 E. at around 5 p.m. when the incident occurred. She swerved into the parking lot of the new BYU creamery in an effort to avoid the cars in her lane. As the vehicle entered the parking lot it hit two other cars before it came to a stop inches from the creamery wall. All three cars were towed and there were no substantial injuries. Total damage has not yet been estimated.

Cynthia: TOWANDA!!!

Steve: We all scream for ice cream.

Geoff: Dang, that’s a quite an excuse. If you want some ice cream just buy it.

GST: I knew we invited Cynthia for a reason: Her extensive knowledge of lesbian chick lit.

Steve: First gift of tongues, now this. Thanks, Julie Newmar.

Cynthia: I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that I frequently fantasize about having the brakes on my car fail just in time to bash into some cars and an ice cream store.

Steve: Good thing they had Grant Von Harrison do a dedicatory prayer on that new creamery. INCHES away = the Power of Prayer.

Cynthia: my birthday is coming up in a couple months–if anyone would like to cut the brake lines on my car for the occasion, I welcome it.

Geoff: If only she rode a bike like mr hacksaw…

PUBLIC DISTURBANCE
Thursday morning, Oct. 5, a male student reported a disturbance near his apartment in Wymount Terrace. Police responded to the report and found the ROTC doing their morning exercises. No citation was issued.

Cynthia: now if this had been at UC Berkeley, this would have ended very differently….

Geoff: Do morning execises include scissors and tires at Wymount?

GST: Is this the Wymount edition of PBR?

Steve: EVERY pbr is about Wymount. The morning mortar and artillery exercises are nothing to whine about.

Cynthia: dunno, but what a waste that the ROTC does their exercises next to the men’s dorm

GST: “It’s the sound of freedom, buddy. Back to sleep.”

Steve: Wymount = married housing. those ROTCs were showing off for the Desperate Housewives. It’s like a Diet Coke ad out there in the AM.

Geoff: Wymount does look like military barracks. Maybe they were just lost….

Police responded to a report of a suspicious person in the Stephen L. Richards Building on Oct. 1 at 1 p.m. The suspect was not located but two documents written by the individual were recovered. The documents indicate the suspect may be homeless or a mental subject.

GST: Everybody’s a frickin’ critic.

Steve: With that, the cops threw away Keyser Soze’s treatise on the Dharma Initiative. What are the commonalities in scholarship between the homeless and mental subjects, anyways? Penmanship? Split infinitives? Or was it the feces and urine?

Cynthia: manuscript 1: 107 pages, title: “Cold in the land of Cougar: On being homeless at BYU.” Manuscript 2: Rx

Steve: Surely there is an all-night Hogi Yogi for this poor lad.

Geoff: The documents were in fact rolls of toilet paper.

Cynthia: what’s a mental “subject” anyway? Makes it sound like BYU is using him for testing.

Steve: “documents” = no working toilet in the Richard Bldg.

GST: Yeah, “mental subject” means that someone is thinking about him, I guess.

Steve: Uri Gellers of our own!

Just before the BYU football game on Oct. 6, a man tried to drive past a police barricade to get to the Universal Campus Credit Union. When an officer told the man he could not enter, the man became angry and verbally abusive. He claimed he had to make a deposit before 5 p.m. and did not want to use the alternate entrance. The man then jumped out of the car and sprinted into the bank. Moments later he returned to his vehicle and left without further argument. Police filed a report but have not pressed charges.

GST: Police dismissed him without further argument?

Don’t print that.

Steve: oh, that’s so in.

GST: Then you claim it.

Steve: he stormed off, ATM card and tree branch in tow.

GST: Stop it. I’m dying here.

Steve: robot crow cawing mercilessly

Cynthia: whatever are you boys talking about?

Geoff: The ‘verbal epithets’ include the word “Ute.” Robot crow! Ha!

Steve: Dem Duke boys just had to make their deposit before 5! Now we got em, Flash!

Cynthia: There has to be something we can do with “deposit,” people. Come on, back on task!

Steve: Stapley and I have an argument re: robot crow. I believe that is a trained crow.

Geoff: No way — animatronics all the way.

GST: You think that the owl in Clash of the Titans is real too. Because you’re an idiot.

Geoff: Har!

Steve: DON’T DASH MY DREAMS!

Cynthia: lolz!! best. movie. ever.

GST: I’ll give you this: Best Harry Hamlin movie ever.

A men’s restroom in the Thomas L. Martin Building was vandalized on Oct. 6 at 3:30 p.m. Human feces was smeared all over one of the toilets. Police found the impression of fingers in the material and said the suspect smeared the excrement with his hands. The suspect was described as a heavy-set male, 24 to 25- years-old, and wearing a black t-shirt with tan cargo pants. Police have no suspects.

Cynthia: er….how do they know he was heavy-set? fat finger prints?

Geoff: Really? Who tested to see what species the feces came from?

Steve: If you’ve ever spent a lot of time the Marb, you’ll realize that smearing excrement on the walls is an effort at enhancing the place.

Cynthia: I think we know what is really responsible for this incident–the fact that BYU, to its shame, openly teaches evolution.

GST: Cynthia, it’s just good detective work: “That’s no skinny man stool.”

Steve: Documents left at the scene were inconclusive, but spoke of mental studies.

Cynthia: you teach a kid he’s descended from a monkey, and he’ll start throwing his poop.

Steve: All becomes clear…. It was Steven Peck!!

Geoff: Perhaps this human feces-throwing incident proves we evolved from apes… Crap! too slow!

Steve: get with it, newb.

Cynthia: I like that you exclaimed “crap!” very on-topic.

Between Nov. 9 and Nov. 10, a women’s restroom in building B-66 (a lab building northeast of campus) was vandalized. One of the toilet seats had been painted silver with additional paint on the floor and wall. Police have no suspects in the case.

GST: Oh, Police Beat writer, don’t you worry, I know what B-66 is.

Cynthia: RS Enrichment craft night gone horribly wrong.

Steve: Get your kicks at B-66. I guess those dang Raelians have been at work again.

GST: It’s one of the finest Quonset huts on campus. The best, after B-72.

Geoff: Nobody thought of checking the whereabouts of Jennifer “Silverbutt” Jensen?

Cynthia: for the next Enrichment, they should sew faux-fur toilet seat covers for all the bathrooms on campus — v. classy.

Steve: If you ever wanted to take a dump to “Greased Lightning” but felt something missing, a certain je-ne-sais-quoi, well, je sais quoi: a shiny silver shitter.

Cynthia: nice alliteration!

Geoff: Nothing like a shiny toilet to make a gal regular

Steve: Elder Maxwell taught me that one. Say it five times fast.

Black paint was found on the side of a Wymount Terrace apartment on Monday. Police report that the graffiti appeared to have been done by someone between the age of 8 and 10 years-old. The graffiti was in the shape of either an n or an x and it appeared an attempt had been made to clean the letter because it was smeared. Police have no suspects.

Cynthia: graffiti FAIL

Steve: Malcolm N strikes again!

Cynthia: and thus we learn that BYU police lack basic literacy.

GST: He was tagging for his gang of 8 year-olds, the N or X Indistinguishables.

Geoff: Maybe the alleged 8-10 year old painter is really a poo throwing monkey man? CASE CLOSED!

Cynthia: how embarrassing for the police officer to be outed as a child development major btw—appeared to be done by someone within a 2-year age range??

Steve: it’s an initiation ritual; from there they move up to tire-scissoring and silver toilets. How exactly did they narrow the age-group so? Was there a sign saying “Valiants 9-11 Write HERE” or something?

(time passes….)
echo.
chirp
chirp

Cynthia: tweet tweet

Steve: well, you guys suck. Thanks for the crappiest PBR ever, Geoff.

GST: suck it, Trebek.

Comments

  1. No comments yet? How is this ever going to get to 800?

    I loved it.

  2. I’ll contribute a comment.

  3. Researcher says:

    Would you like your readers to say “Best PBR ever” 800 times? :-)

  4. All contributions are appreciated.

  5. 1

  6. 2

  7. 3

    There. I did my part. If everyone posts 3 comments, we can reach 800 in no time.

  8. “aggravated asymmetry” = further evidence of gst’s unassailable claim to best commenter title.

  9. Although Cynthia’s suspicion of an RS craft night run amok wins her a nomination, too.

  10. BYU is weird.

  11. Ok, I have a lot to say about this post but since I’m a team player I’ll break it down to several different comments.

  12. First, this was my favorite part of the Daily Universe while attending BYU. I never missed a PBR! Is that a bad thing?

  13. Second, I think that Geoff was the guy with the hacksaw. When we were dating he used to ride around on this old, beat-down 10 speed. I know for a fact that when he moved from that apartment he left it locked to the front porch. Maybe his guilt at leaving the bike behind finally overcame him.

  14. Third, I’ve had a lot of Utah-ans tell me about the horrible gang problems they’ve had, to which I’ve always rolled my eyes.

    Color me embarrassed, I didn’t realize how bad the scissor wielding, tagging, gangs for 8 year old children had become. Yikes!

  15. Finally, thanks for the laughs. I didn’t want the PBR commentary to end. It reminded me of my days as a Cougar.

  16. Hah! Another great post. You make me mourn all the hilarity I missed by attending UVSC (that’s what it was when I went) instead of BYU. Thanks for this wonderful break from all the political angst.

  17. Mark Brown says:

    This proves that being a Kougar Kop has to be just about the worst job in the world. You know that every time the phone rings, you might be sent out to investigate another incident of toilet vandalism.

  18. Ben Pratt says:

    Another student in Wymount reported to University Police…

    …and the reader (much like the University Police) groans. Not another call from Wymount!

  19. Ben Pratt says:

    As for the brakes failure case: oh, never mind.

    I was going to make a geeky physics comment about how fast she must have been going to hit the Creamery (400 feet from 9th east), but it’s the “new” Creamery, meaning the former Kent’s Market, by the stoplight.

    Unless you’re deeper in the archives than I thought…

  20. Ben Pratt says:

    The line that got the biggest chuckle from me was Steve’s. Chef Boyardee, indeed.

  21. Ben Pratt says:

    Finally, I, like Evenstar, found this a welcome respite from political posts.

    In fact, I’ve been waiting since Thursday, punks!

  22. Why “disastrous results”?

  23. I’m still waiting for my favorite Police Beat ever to show up on here, when a kid “stole” a pan of rice krispees from the Cannon center and the cops found it on his roommate’s bed with a sign that said “Welcome home”…Let’s just say that the Police Beat is definitely the best part of BYH, besides the super cheap tuition and the chocolate milk.

  24. Memo to Steve:

  25. stuff in [ brackets ]

  26. is supposed to be edited out prior to publication!

  27. Sincerely,

    the staff

  28. (just doing my part to reach 800)

  29. Ben Pratt says:

    Yes we can!

    Hopechangeunicornsrainbows

  30. I

  31. Want

  32. to say

  33. That i was absolutely SHOCKED. yes. shocked by some of the comments in this PBR. It was hilarious.

    Only 767 comments to go.

  34. Kevin Barney says:

    I liked the police dismissed w/o further argument mini-thread. Hilarious!

    And thanks for devoting one of these to me. Snort! It’s true that I made prank calls, but not from Chicago–from DT when I was a freshman. All freshman boys make prank calls; I think it’s part of the honor code.

  35. Steve Evans says:

    Burma

  36. Steve Evans says:

    Shave

  37. haven’t read all of the comments (or even the entire thread) yet, but the following . . .

    it couldn’t have been Obama, because then the report would have read, “suspicious male caller.”

    Perhaps best line ever – unless something else tops it as I keep reading.

    Oh, and I never realized that hacksaws are fine as an accessory. I’ll tell my daughter when she gets there to keep a lookout for that.

  38. Steve Evans says:

    Keep reading Ray.

  39. This deserves a Pulitzer

  40. maybe – just maybe – something even more rare and priceless

  41. like the Silver Silver Shitter award

  42. Steve, I can’t pick. Let’s just give this a lifetime achievement award and get it into the Hall of Fame right away. There’s less suspense than there was with the Palin Pallin’ Party fiasco.

    although, “That’s no skinny man stool,” wasn’t exactly a waste. “That’s some real fat man feces!” might have been a nice additional.

  43. See, I can’t even say it once fast without messing it up.

  44. Mark Brown says:

    Oh man, freshman prank calls. I remember those. Is there anything lamer than prank calling the girls in your FHE group? Didn’t think so.

    Although they got into the act as well. They live in May hall and answered the phone by saying “Hello, May Mounties. We always get our man.” Like I said, very lame.

  45. Latter-day Guy says:

    Extra points for Dune references,

  46. the crappiest PBR ever

    Hehe. Nice pun considering the topics this week.

  47. Latter-day Guy says:

    but they were lost for binging up Grant Von Harrison. (That man is darkness incarnate.)

  48. Latter-day Guy says:

    However, you got them back for including the Temple easter eggs and the Maxwell comment. On the whole, a solid effort.

  49. I think Steve, gst, Cynthia, and guest commenters should get into a bidding war over this.

  50. Steve Evans says:

    Wow, Ardis, that thing is AWESOME. Commenters should bid for it then send it to the PBR participant the deem funniest (cough, cough).

  51. #42
    > although, “That’s no skinny man stool,” wasn’t exactly a waste.

    …so to speak! ;-)

  52. #49–SWEET!!!

  53. Ben Pratt says:

    Yeah, Cynthia (#51), that was the bomb.

  54. I have a testimony that the crow is real. So don’t tell me it isn’t, because that will totally destroy my membership in the Church.

  55. Steve Evans says:

    We’re never gonna get 800.

  56. Eric Russell says:

    If you really want 800, you’re going to have to bring up the sensitive subject of abortions among gay grad students on welfare.

  57. Eric, you ignorant slut.

  58. Ok, if we’re going to get to 800 comments, we’re going to have to up the ante. Here’s my bid:

    I believe that the practice of GAs quartering with local authorities is pernicious. Seriously.

  59. Steve Evans says:

    You say a lot of stupid things, but these are rarefied heights even for you. What possible harm could it cause? It saves time and money, keeps the GAs from distancing themselves from the members.

    And your wife is a whore.

  60. Way to go, gst — I don’t remember the last time we had a good ol’ fight about the 3rd amendment. About time, I say.

  61. I will kill you.

  62. Catchin’ comes before hangin’. — Brigham Young

  63. Come on, you wusses. You can keep up the comment pace for only three minutes?

  64. Ardis, give me a break–I’m in stake conference.

  65. Then this may be one of the oddest conversations you’ve ever had in stake conference.

    I hope.

  66. Ardis, I wish that were so.

    In 1998, I bought my first handheld computer, a Palm Pilot clone made by IBM. I have not paid attention in church since that day.

  67. Steve Evans says:

    Par for the course in my stake.

  68. Eric Russell says:

    gst, only a pedophile would think that this topic is going to garner more than a dozen comments. GA’s can hang at my pad any time.

  69. The suspect was described as a heavy-set male, 24 to 25- years-old, and wearing a black t-shirt with tan cargo pants. Police have no suspects.

    whaaaa?

    Seriously, what kind of journalism program does BYU have? No one edits? Ever, anything? Or, are they so used to the byu police having no suspects, that it is just standard practice to include that language in every report.

  70. Here’s are some reasons why the 3rd amendment should be extended to General Authorities.

    1). It encourages elitism in the church. Stake presidents, and their wives and kids, name drop their GA houseguests for years to come.

    2). It gives rise to weird psuedo-doctrines that comes from close observation of GAs in their off-hours. “Did you know that when Elder Christiansenson stayed with us, he prayed before the entree, and then again over desert? Go and do likewise!”

    Now please discuss for 750 or so comments.

  71. Eric, if this topic doesn’t do it, I’m just going to set up camp on this thread and treat it like my own personal blog.

  72. A heavy-set male, 24-25 years old, and wearing a black t-shirt with tan cargo pants, was found exiting the MARB restroom with poop all over his hands.

    The individual was warned and released due to lack of evidence.

  73. I bet we could get to 800 if we told elephant jokes.

  74. Eric Russell says:

    Well your blog better have lots of gay content. Can’t make it without that.

  75. How about debating the quartering of gay elephants with GAs?

  76. Why do we carpet the walls of our chapels? Discuss.

  77. What will be the ultimate fate of Vic Mackey? Shane and Mara Vendrell? Ronnie Gardocki?

  78. Steve Evans says:

    The Magic Feather, indeed.

  79. How does a gay elephant on welfare hide in a cherry tree?

  80. Who would win: Scythian horde v. 1972 Miami Dolphins?

  81. Kasparov v. Secretariat?

  82. I saw that on Mortal Kombat once.

  83. We laugh a bit too readily at the jokes of General Authorities.

  84. Eric Russell says:

    All of the above: Mike Ditka.

  85. (Up-up-down-down B-A to unlock it.)

  86. I think when a General Authority makes a joke in conference the guys in the booth should add a laugh track.

  87. Definitely trained crow. Though it would have been a nice change-of-pace role for Croooow T. Robot, of MST3K fame.

  88. Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
    A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,…..

  89. I could split the question and the answer, and get us to 800 faster.

  90. I once exchanged pleasantries with Ditka. On the sidewalk in front of Eli’s on Chicago Avenue. We were both alone, walking in opposite directions. I said, “Hey coach.”. He said, “Hiya, pal.”

  91. I think we need to commit to a strategy here and pursue it.

  92. 1.e4

  93. Eric Russell says:

    You got a GA at the plate right now, gst?

  94. ?

  95. Oh, wait, I get it. Okay, I’ll be secretariat.

    Stamp. Stamp stamp stamp. Staaaaaamp. Whinny.

  96. (Horses play chess the same way they do math.)

  97. Driving home from conference now.

  98. Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
    A: You don’t, you get down from a duck.

  99. Jeremy, sure I want to get to 800 comments. But I’d like to do it with some dignity.

  100. Wanting to reach 800 comments and retain your dignity is like wanting to know both the speed of an electron and its location.

  101. Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
    A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!

  102. Er, giraffe.

    (People who maintain websites dedicated exclusively to elephant jokes are not the best spellers. And I ain’t going to get to 800 if I retype each one…)

  103. Welcome to everyone from Kevin’s Prop 8 thread. You may resume your discussion here.

  104. Steve Evans says:

    Said the giraffe in the bar, “I guess the highballs are on me!”

  105. Peter LLC says:

    Is this where I post my stinging rebukes of rogue Mormons and others who have left the reservation?

  106. be warned, BYU students–you’re looking at your future

    Police have verified the former student’s identity, it was Lenny Gomes.

  107. Steve Evans says:

    gst (#99), I don’t think we care about dignity.

    less than 700 comments to go!

  108. That’s “fewer” than 700, Steve.

    /s/ grammar police beat

  109. Steve Evans says:

    Steve was released for lack of grammar evidence.

  110. We gave up on the dignity stuff, right? Because:

  111. Peter LLC: Please do.

    I’m going to use this thread as my commonplace book.

    I’m currently watching the Jetsons.

    Elroy: Dad, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?

    George: Son, here’s a nickel. Don’t tell your mom that you saw me.

    Elroy: But I have seen you.

    George: Here’s a dime. No more questions.

  112. The elephant murdered that rhinoceros!

  113. Q: What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school?

  114. A: Hisssssstory.

  115. Ok, Ok the poop incident was me. I thought people would be more accepting of evolution if they saw it in action and I suppose I got carried away.

    It was cool that you said Bene Gesserit, but it could be interpreted as elitism.

  116. How about cannibal jokes?

    Q: Why don’t cannibals like to eat clowns?

    A: Because they taste funny!

  117. it could be interpreted as elitism

    That doesn’t phase the permas at BCC. They eat the elite for breakfast, a breakfast of champions, if you will.

  118. Chatting with my dad online now. He just theorized that if you made a suit of clothes out of ShamWow! material, you could double your weight on a misty day.

  119. Steve Evans says:

    I call BS on the ShamWow. It’s gotta be mostly Sham, only like 1% wow.

  120. Steve Evans says:

    More irritating: Billy Mays, or Vince Offer?

  121. Is Vince Offer the ShamWow! guy? ‘Cause he’s great.

  122. But I’m really a Don LaPre man. I’m very much interested in the “cash flow business.”

  123. Don Lapre could take on both Vince Offer and Billy Mays in a death match. Because of the vitamins.

  124. Dangit.

  125. It’s a little creepy that gst and I were both thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. And that that thing was “Don LaPre.”

  126. Q: How does Don LaPre hide in a cherry tree?
    A: He paints his toenails red.

  127. Steve Evans says:

    Consider BCC the right place for you to start placing tiny classified ads, right now, which will grow into AMAZING income for you.

  128. Who is the Asian guy with the chicks and boats, etc? He’s great too.

  129. Call 1-800 Accept No Imitation

  130. Steve Evans says:

    Robert Kiyosaki? Rich Dad Poor Dad?

  131. I’d like to report a theft — I was trying to follow the links to read past Police Beat posts and #s 3, 4, and 5 are missing — the links lead to a dead end. Have you seen any suspicious males lurking around BCC?

  132. #7 is also missing! Where are the university virtual police when you need them?

  133. CAW I see no problems whatsoever. You are either delusional or a liar. I suspect you are filthy, dirty liar who smears poop all over MARB bathrooms.

    New question: brethren, let’s join a fraternal order. Which one? Elks? Freemasons (if so, which? Scottish Rite? Shriners?)? Oddfellows? Kiwanis? Lay it on me.

  134. Peter LLC says:

    the links lead to a dead end.

    Surely there is someone who can mine this statement for a jesting at BCC’s expense?

  135. I was once looking for a meeting of a chess club in Costa Mesa and wandered in to an Oddfellows Lodge. Nice fellows. They put on the hard-sell, in a friendly way.

    Turns out the chess club was meeting in the barber shop next door.

  136. Peter LLC says:

    I, for one, have already donned the black robes of a false priesthood. If it weren’t for the calls at dinner time asking me to pony up for the alumni fund I’d recommend membership in one of them.

  137. Oddfellows. There can be no other rational choice for BCC.

  138. Okay, posts #3, 5, and 7 were returned faster than a stolen BYU bicycle. #4 is still missing from my links. It’s not an odd crime.

  139. Seriously CAW, enough false reports. You’re like a new Wymount bride afraid of her radiator.

  140. Thanks for returning these posts to their proper places. I really need some good laughs tonight.

  141. I went to a Kiwanis meeting last month. A colleague is president of the chapter. They are a fun group and they do a lot of good.

  142. They were always there!!

  143. What time is it?

  144. Time for comment #144!

  145. Is there symbolic significance to the Shriners’ little cars?

  146. Peter LLC says:

    What time is it?

    It’s pudding time
    It’s pudding time children.

  147. I don’t know, but if I were a Shriner my answer would include the phrase “inversely proportional.”

  148. I don’t know if I’m going to join a fraternal order or not. But if I don’t, I’m going to start wearing a fez to my High Priest Group meetings.

  149. eric russell says:

    2. d6

  150. Read in order these comments are starting to look a little like Joyce. Or Einstein on the Beach.

  151. Eric, I take it you mean, “1…d6″? If so, 2.d5.

  152. [Repeating V-IV-I chord progression in the organ]

    Chorus:
    one two three four
    one two three four five six
    one two three four five six seven eight

    Voice of Lucinda Childs:
    “I was once looking for a meeting of a chess club in Costa Mesa and wandered in to an Oddfellows Lodge. Nice fellows. They put on the hard-sell, in a friendly way.

    Turns out the chess club was meeting in the barber shop next door.”

    [Violin arpeggios ad infinitum]

  153. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

  154. “2. d5″

    Whoa! Mate in 107 moves.

  155. Watch this while you wait, Ardis.

  156. Actually, if you open the Elephant vs. Rhino video in one window, and turn the sound down in YouTube, then turn on the Einstein on the Beach video in another window, and turn the sound up, then go back and watch the Elephant vs. Rhino with Philip Glass accompaniment, it’s really quite moving.

  157. My

  158. dad

  159. was

  160. a

  161. Moose.

  162. Hope that helped some in running up the total.

  163. Nora, was your dad LDS?

  164. I never saw a Mormon moose
    I never hope to see one
    But I will tell you anyhow
    I’d rather see than be one

  165. #150 – “Or Einstein on the Beach.”

    More like Einstein on crack.

  166. Why do blondes like convertibles?

  167. I can’t say on a Mormon-themed blog.

  168. another one. Just to help out. Not quite 25% there.

  169. perhaps it should be everyone does 16 comments. Then we only need 50 different people. There are at least 50 people who comment regularly at BCC.

  170. Well, this will be 6. I’ll add another 10 over the next few days.

  171. Rejected state mottos:

    CA – By 30, our women have more plastic than your Honda.

  172. WV – 5,000,000 people; 15 last names.

  173. CT – Just like MA, but the Kennedys don’t own it yet.

  174. GA – We put the “fun” in fundamentalist extremism.

  175. UT – drum roll . . .

    Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.

  176. No, he was not LDS. Are mormons not allowed?

  177. Keep going Ray – I am waiting for Wisconsin.

  178. Nora, don’t know the state motto, but I know the old Wisconsin hymn: “What a Friend We Have in Cheeses.”

  179. Good one!

  180. Joseph Welch says:

    Let us not assassinate this thread further, gst. You have done enough. Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency??

  181. Eric Russell says:

    WI is Come Cut the Cheese. Pretty weak.

  182. Eric Russell says:

    Qe1

  183. Would that make the motto “Cheeses Saves”?

  184. 800 comments — almost six of them worth reading.

    go, us!

  185. Because some videos NEVER get old, I give you a reprise of my favorite religious-themed youtube of all time, Estus Pirkle’s Believer’s Heaven.

  186. Hopefully Raymond T.S. can drop a few of his famous 12 paragraph monsters on us.

  187. One paragraph per comment, please.

  188. Okay, I was willing to play my part in this silly game, but I guess I’ll be swearing off BCC for a while. Can’t you guys write about anything but Prop 8? I’m sick to death of your one-sided, endless blather.

    There. That should draw a few more comments to this thread. My parting gift to you.

  189. Steve Evans says:

    Beat it you old bird!! Who needs your pithy, historically-accurate, insightful, at times poignant insights!

  190. I sometimes wish that Mormon worship included a sweat lodge element.

  191. Steve Evans says:

    Wait — sick to death?? Ardis are you offing yourself? You’re too young to die. I mean, it’s a judgment call, but actuarially, you probably are still too young to die.

  192. If this gets more comments than that one time I said George Bush worshiped the Devil, I’ll be deeply ashamed.

  193. Researcher says:

    188 – Yeah. And while you’re at it, would you please tell her she can’t come back until she restarts her blog? The whole bloggernacle is suffering. I mean, really. I just made the 192nd comment on a PBR.

  194. Ben Pratt says:

    Good job, everyone.

    Except for gst, Ardis, and Steve. You’re all fired.

  195. Ben Pratt says:

    You’re worse than fired.

    You’re banished to three different MARB men’s bathrooms, to watch for a heavy-set male, 24 to 25- years-old, wearing a black t-shirt with tan cargo pants.

  196. Ben is a mindless prat.

  197. Ben Pratt says:

    He is not a suspect.

  198. Ben Pratt says:

    Better that than a Canadian felon.

  199. point taken. I am the Louis Riel of the Bloggernacle.

  200. Insightful insights? Is there another kind?

  201. Ben Pratt says:

    gst said

    I sometimes wish that Mormon worship included a sweat lodge element.

    You’ve never taught the first discussion in a tropical, third-world country, have you?

  202. Ben Pratt says:

    Indeed, Steve, though I’ve often wondered who you executed that led to your banishment (to the US, not to the MARB men’s room. Everyone knows what led to that).

  203. Ben, yes — the navajo taco.

  204. Cheap shot Nora. Ardis is dying and the best you can do is mock a little more of my Neal A. Maxwell-level prose.

  205. I sometimes wish that Mormon worship included the ingestion of peyote.

  206. Ben Pratt says:

    Jeremy, are you sure it doesn’t (see #152)?

  207. Well, it is bed time here in the beautiful northeast. I fully expect to have 595 comments to catch up on in the morning.

    Good luck!

  208. Ben Pratt says:

    Okay, who’s deleting comments? No wonder we’re nowhere near 800.

    So that one was pretty blasphemous. It was also hilarious, and comforting.

  209. AL – Edjucashun ain’t everything.

  210. NV – Hookers and poker chips – and lots of sage brush

  211. It was second comforting.

  212. ID – More than just potatoes. OK, not really, but the potatoes are awesome!

  213. KS – Tidal wave free for 2 billion years.

  214. MN – 10,000 lakes; 10,000,000 mosquitoes.

  215. Ben Pratt says:

    Precisely, Steve. *wink*

  216. I suspect that there are far more than 10,000,000 mosquitoes in MN.

  217. TX – Tu hables Espanol?

  218. AR – Bill Clinton slept here – and here – and here – and here . . .

  219. You know what this thread needs? The Adam Greenwood Experience, featuring the Adam Greenwood Dancers.

  220. HI – Death to tourist scum – but spend all your money while you’re here.

  221. MA – Our taxes are lower than Sweden’s.

  222. I only can remember a few more. Later, if the thread isn’t dead by the time I get back.

  223. #217 – Just to note, reports conflict about whether or not Hillary was standing by her man at any of those locations.

  224. Ben Pratt:

    There was a video link in comment 155 to put comment 152 in perspective.

    I have NEVER ingested peyote. Like any self-respecting Mormon, I get my fix by abusing prescription drugs.

    KAZOW!!!!

    Thankyou thankyou thankyou, be sure to tip your waitresses…

  225. Oh, it’s not dead yet!

  226. Ugly Mahana says:

    I love it.

  227. Ugly Mahana says:

    I love it!

  228. Ugly Mahana says:

    I loves it:)

  229. Ugly Mahana says:

    229 comments, and some of them as funny as the PBR commentary itself. Let’s go 800.

  230. Ben Pratt says:

    Ray, what you can’t remember, we can certainly make up.

    MT: We have more cows than people. Move here. Vanquish the cows.

  231. Ben Pratt says:

    LOL I just saw gst’s invitation to this thread on Kevin’s thread. Was that the only lucky thread or did every active thread on the ‘nacle receive the same treatment?

    I assume the former simply due to gst’s well-known, one-sided focus.

  232. Steve Evans says:

    #222: Ray claims to single-handedly sustain the thread. Oh thank you great Ray!!

  233. Someone get Steve an American dictionary. He’s reading stuff that ain’t there.

  234. Ben, for you:

    MT – Where men are men, and sheep are scared.

  235. VT – Yep.

  236. ND – We are a state.

  237. OH – The only good thing coming out of Michigan is I-75.

  238. VA – Tobacco is a vegetable.

  239. MO – Please don’t show me.

  240. MikeInWeHo says:

    MI – Voted to legalize medicinal cannabis on November 4. Having just spent a weekend here, it makes sense.

  241. Pluto should so NOT be a planet. Discuss.

  242. Little Sister says:

    Duh- he’s a dog.

  243. Once again (#241), elitism rears its ugly head at BCC.

  244. Little Sister says:

    Also- I am offended by what Cynthia L. said regarding the value of a BYU degree. BYU is the Harvard of the Wasatch Front. In fact- BYU never taught me what Pluto was in the first place so “science” is just now catching up to BYU’s standards. Same goes for evolution. GO COUGARS!

  245. AZ – It’s a dry heat – but so is a microwave.

  246. NM – Lizards are great pets.

  247. OK – Wet wheat does NOT smell sweet.

  248. Recently at Disneyland I saw Pluto and Goofy walking down the Main Street together. Why does the Disney universe include one dog that dresses, and one that walks around nude? Does the nude one not feel shame, especially when he’s with the dressed one in Disneyland? And why does the one that wears clothes somehow seem like the more retarded of the two?

  249. Steve Evans says:

    That’s an eternal conundrum right there. I’ve come to the conclusion that Goofy represents the celestialized form of the Disney dog; as Pluto is, Goofy once was. We don’t talk about it very much. That’s more of a couplet than anything else.

  250. Little Sister says:

    I think this may be my favorite PBR yet.

  251. Recently at Disneyland I saw Pluto and Goofy walking down the Main Street together.

    From this first sentence, I thought you were going a whole ‘nother direction with that…

  252. Steve Evans says:

    Our first Best PBR Ever comment! Thanks LS.

  253. Cynthia, sure, I can see that. When I see two dudes walking together on Main Street, and one of them is naked except for a dog collar, “gay” is usually not an off-base assumption.

  254. Little Sister says:

    I think we should have more questions about Donald Duck- he’s not purposely naked for some kind of hippy peace statement- he actually likes wandering around without pants.

  255. No, that makes sense. That part of a duck is usually under water.

  256. Little Sister says:

    Steve- I said “may.”
    It’s contingent on getting to 800, which will not happen. Alas, even your admirable attempts to move the gay marriage firestorm over here appear to have failed.

  257. You’re assuming way too much LS.

    Pluto and Goofy apparently got married in Toon Town City Hall just prior to the passage of Prop 8. What is the fate of their marriage now? Is it nullified by Prop 8 or does it remain recognized as a valid marriage performed while marriage between same sex cartoon dogs was still recognized in CA? If the former, does Prop 8 constitute an ex post facto law? Please discuss these questions in separate comments.

  258. OH – The only good thing coming out of Michigan is I-75.

    As a former resident of Bowling Green, I can appreciate the Truth of this statement, Ray.

  259. Rameumptom says:

    I once considered attending BYU, but then read the PBR….
    If Kevin Barney’s making obscene phone calls to the Y, then I don’t want anything to do with the place!

  260. All you have to do is screen your calls, it’s not that hard. And you get to attend the “Stanford of the Mountain West.”

  261. Besides, how are you supposed to get married in time to live off welfare during grad school if you attend a secular university?

  262. It boggles the imagination.

  263. And speaking of ducks, what about Daffy? He doesn’t even get a shirt–just the white collar of oppression.

  264. Rameumptom says:

    Back to the fraternal orders, which order is it that has calligraphy-challenged 8 year olds slashing car tires with scissors and spray painting walls with black paint?

    That sounds almost as fun as sleeping in High Priest’s group!

  265. Rameumptom says:

    Why attend BYU when I spent years languishing away in a southern college? Stanford of the mountain west? Isn’t it more like a community college or daycare (there are 8 year olds there, after all)?

  266. Rameumptom says:

    #263, Yeah, that Bugs Bunny was truly an oppressive person, er, rodent….

  267. Rameumptom says:

    It’s duck season!

    It’s wabbit season!

    It’s duck season!

    It’s wabbit season!

    It’s wabbit season!

    I insist it’s duck season! Bam!!!!

  268. We should start a petition to ban all Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck cartoons. Clearly there was something fishy going on.

  269. Unless, of course, Loony Toons was trying to teach us a subliminal lesson about the dangers of the worldwide arms trade.

  270. Rameumptom says:

    I don’t buy it. I think it is an early gay movement propaganda series. After all, how many times did Bugs try to marry Elmer Fudd?

    It ruined the Barber of Seville music for me forever!!!

  271. Pity. Endure. Embrace. Then you too can love opera.

  272. But SoCal studios never produce propaganda! They always take a fair and balanced view of everything! Haven’t you ever seen Pleasantville?

  273. I mean, clearly, you are on the wrong side of history for even suggesting the idea.

    ;)

  274. Only eight more comments and we’ll have passed Adventures in Arizona!

  275. John Taber says:

    Re #268: Didn’t President Bush call for an end to cartoon violence a couple of years ago?

  276. Proposition 8 movement was just a modern Zion’s camp, the willingness to serve was more important than the outcome.

    (just trying to boost the comments)

  277. Rameumptom says:

    What would Marvin the Martian say about Prop 8?

    Would he shoot a giant Mars-stationed laser at SLC or at Berkeley?

  278. Rameumptom says:

    Modern Zion’s camp? Aren’t those usually done around May 15 every year? Fathers take their sons out on a campout, whether they like it or not?

  279. Re 275: I don’t know, but I know we still have Itchy and Scratchy.

  280. Marvin probably wouldn’t say, “You wascally wabbit.” What he would say? You’d have to ask him.

  281. Personally, I always thought he was a UVSC grad targeting the Y in retribution for Eric Snider’s columns.

  282. a silver throne? Maybe it was a clue to the whereabouts of a lost Mormon artifact:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Silverthrone

  283. Or since silverthrone is a volcano, a subtle warning to those who might use that particular toilet.

  284. Steve Evans says:

    Oddly, most of these comments are no less inane than the ones on the prop 8 thread itself.

  285. Eric Russell says:

    Or the general conference threads.

  286. If we keep this going long enough, this will be a general conference thread.

  287. What is green and chalky?

    Green Chalk!

  288. TStevens, there’s a right way and a wrong way to get to 800 comments.

  289. So what you’re saying is, if we outlaw gay married cartoon dogs, only outlaws will have gay married cartoon dogs?

  290. Because that seems right only if they’re pried from some animator’s cold dead hands.

  291. Steve Evans says:

    I’m honored that Ted Stevens is making comments at all, given his other current worries.

  292. What’s green and has four wheels?

    Grass! (I lied about the wheels.)

  293. Don’t get snobby, gst, or I’ll summon the elephants.

  294. Steve Evans says:

    Can people please get back to the issue of putting up GAs in member’s homes? I would note that when Elder Eyring came to visit NYC a few years back, he stayed in the Marriott Marquis. I don’t think anyone lives there. Maybe Judd Nelson.

  295. Elder Eyring shows how it’s supposed to be done.

  296. Clearly the world can (and will) continue to think of the US as a racist country until we elect a gay cartoon black duck to the presidency.

    I need an essay on this topic from each of you by this afternoon.

    And by “I,” I mean “Chuck Norris.”

  297. If you’ve ever had a GA (not your relative) stay in your home, please drop the name here.

  298. True Story: As a freshman I used to be on the Bean museum cleaning crew, which also required us to clean the Art buildings across the street. Late one night we came into a room to find a female student in her underwear facing a mirror and painting a self-portrait. We left her to it and went away slightly embarrassed.

    Now I know we should have called the campus police. It is true that you will ever regret missed opportunities.

  299. He He!

    Hopefully I will have wifi in the big house.

  300. Steve Evans says:

    Ted, was that before or after you ‘borrowed’ that free massage chair for your home?

    Are there any gay cartoon black ducks besides Daffy?

  301. I stayed at a GA’s home. (Heard him swear once! And watch a football game on Sunday! After conference! During a session he’d spoken in!)

  302. Ted, a true Police Beat blotter entry would instead have the woman calling to report herself for flashing herself.

  303. Please tell me that the swear was “motherf*****”.

  304. If you’ve ever had a GA (not your relative) stay in your home, please drop the name here.

    D. Todd Christopherson

  305. Steve Evans says:

    the swear was “cheez whiz!”

  306. Oh, gosh, I can’t even begin to name them all.

  307. Christopher, did he admonish you to not ask for any blessings in your prayer? Especially not that your friend would be comforted at the time of the passing of her husband?

  308. Steve Evans says:

    This is more a-propos.

  309. Sorry, gst. No F-bombs. But it wasn’t your pedestrian hell or damn either. It was a pretty irate “S#!+.”

  310. Anyone who makes at least 30 inane contributions (non-tax deductible, I’m afraid) to this thread is cordially invited to my funeral. I choked on this morning’s surfeit of Prop 8 posts, and will be buried beneath this afternoon’s inevitable avalanche.

    In lieu of flowers, please submit comments.

  311. Steve Evans says:

    Ardis, for all the comments I’ve left I should get to emcee your cremation.

    Hell, I should get to pull the plug.

  312. I’m in the dentist’s office waiting room now. Catching up on Highlights.

  313. Steve Evans says:

    [UPDATE]

    People have informed me that it may have been in poor taste to volunteer to euthanize Ardis. De gustibus non est disputandum.

  314. Ah, but the qualification “inane” disqualifies you, Steve. Your remarks have all been cogent, informative, poetic, significant, and destined to live on in the literature of civilization.

  315. In fact, I hear NASA has inscribed your comments on a disk to be sent out into space as an indicator of the high water mark of human achievement. Alien life forms will read them with awe.

  316. I hereby commission an essay contest. Explain, in 35 words or less, why you should be the one who gets to send Ardis down for the dirt nap.

  317. In second fact, General Conference next April will consist entirely of a parade of apostles reading your comments into the record of the church, the words we are to live by for the following six months.

  318. And I quote Brigham Young again, gst — Catchin’ comes before hangin’.

  319. What are you going to do, Ardis, run away on the bus?

  320. Thomas Parkin says:

    How about some names of GAs that have never been in my home, at least while still living.

    For instance: Marvin J Ashton never was in my home. ~

  321. In third fact, that Iranian guy, Ahmydinnerjacket, has declared eternal love and peace to America, bowing down before the greatness of a culture that provides shelter and intellectual stimulation to the Canadian expat who could contribute such jewels to the world.

  322. Naw, gst. Ever since they raised the bus fare last month (the third time this year), I’ve foresworn the bus. Just how rich do you think this research racket makes me, anyway?

    I’ve shined up the PayLess sneakers and am dodging you on foot.

  323. Steve Evans says:

    I used to love [Ardis], but I had to kill her. I had to put [Ardis] six feet under, and I can still hear her complain.

    Axl Rose

  324. What a coincidence, Thomas! Marvin J. Ashton was never in MY home, either!

  325. Mark E. Peterson and Hugh B. Brown are two people who have never been in my kitchen.

  326. Also, I once won an essay contest.

  327. Complain? Complain?! I ain’t never made no stinkin’ complaints, Steve! Take it back or I’m takin’ you out with me.

  328. Marvin J Ashton was never in my home. While living.

  329. Marvin J Ashton was never in my home. While living.

    And there is where we part company, gst.

  330. Steve Evans says:

    It’s just a song, Ardis. About killing you. Relax!

    Besides, I have no intention of going down with you. I will leave this world the way my granpappy did: dirty bomb.

  331. If BCC’s Prop 8 Lovefest doesn’t actually kill me, I, too, intend to go out the way my own granpappy did. Peacefully. In my sleep. Not screaming and panicking like the passengers in his car.

  332. Brad was abused as a zygote. Nyah-nyah!

  333. Yeah, I can really feel the love for Prop 8 at BCC.

  334. Seriously, why don’t we have more ‘naccle threads on the murder/death/burial of Ardis? I propose no fewer than 2 per lunar cycle.

  335. gst, you’re a jealous paramour.

  336. Steve, gst, Ardis and Brad:

    Methinks you are going to have to recruit a few more folks to get to the hallowed number 800. But what do I know?

  337. Nothing, Hunter. Absolutely nothing. I’m in training to become a senator because I luvluvluv the idea of filibustering. I also luvluvluv the idea of smacking Brad upside his cleanshaven head.

  338. Is this thread starting to sound like a script for
    “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia?” I can totally hear Danny DeVito uttering the words “It’s just a song, Ardis. About killing you. Relax!”

  339. Steve Evans says:

    Hunter, consider yourself recruited. Now put the lotion in the basket and get back to commenting.

  340. Adam Greenwood says:

    This infantile desire for an 800-comment thread besmacks of a faddilish emptyism. I will not condescend to dignify the comment thread with my participation.

  341. Adam Greenwood says:

    35 words, or less, essay:

    Burying the mortal remains of Ardis P. should be a task that belongs alone to me, because then AEP can’t murder yours truly.

  342. Well, there went the neighborhood.

  343. Steve Evans says:

    That’s actually a pretty convincing argument, Adam.

  344. Yes on 800!

  345. Eric Russell says:

    Have you people been fired from your jobs yet?

  346. And we’ve come circle, from “suck it, Trebek” to Ken.

    Unless it’s a different Ken, in which case I plead the 3rd amendment.

  347. there’s the love, gst.

  348. Token Average Member says:

    Ardis, please don’t go! You are a breath of sanity in an insane blogworld.

  349. Lotion? What lotion, Steve? This lotion?

  350. *full circle, that is.

    Eric, how can I be fired when I’m looking for work? On BCC?

    *Ben experiences a sudden insight into the reason his job search has fared so poorly*

  351. Steve Evans says:

    The very same.

  352. Token Average Member says:

    Please no more comments about crude GAs unless you are referring to that Kimball fellow from long ago and far away.

  353. Adam Greenwood says:

    I am adequately outraged.

  354. I demand that this be closed before it eclipses my Bush is a devil-worshipper thread. Do it or the terrorists win.

  355. Adam Greenwood says:

    Note on Comment #340: I am making my lack of participation in this thread conspicuous by the absence of my lack of participation.

  356. Steve Evans says:

    Only 35 more comments and John C. is eclipsed forever!!

  357. Adam Greenwood says:

    Do you hate Bill Ayers that much, John C.? Don’t deny him these few scraps of victory.

  358. President Eyring came to my mission (in early 2002) and while he did not stay at a member’s home, he did have FHE with the stake president’s family, at which he reportedly sang “I left my heart in San Francisco” on the karaoke machine to the entertainment of all.

    I will always be grateful for that “tender mercy”.

  359. Adam Greenwood says:

    Tender mercy = Bednar.

    Matt W., GA Jeopardy, FAIL

  360. Thomas Parkin says:

    I wonder could be done to bring this thing to a close before it reaches 800?

    I think maybe if instead of talking about 800 we start talking about H800.

    No to H800! Yes to love and anything less than H800!

    At the same time I realize that any contribution I make to stopping H800 brings us one numeral closer to H800. Oh, what a bitter irony. ~

  361. I refuse to contribute to this inane thread when other, more worthy, threads languish in inactivity. Because I had to close comments. According to someone whose name rhymes with Schmevans.



    Free the Devil-Worshiping Bush Post!

  362. Wow.

  363. Steve Evans says:

    Gosh, sure sorry about that Crawford. bwah hah hah hah.

  364. Has anyone pointed out that Grad Students on Welfare only has 694 comments?

  365. Adam Greenwood says:

    Its a fixed pie. If you free the bush posts, you enslave the fire-worshipping shrub beams.

  366. 800? Why 800? Why not 666? OK 800, but we need to make it interesting. Lets say every time someone gets a Prime Number they become the King or Queen for a full minute of the entire bloggernacle which allows them full authority to declare anything they want as true. And it will be–for that minute. Here they are:

    367, 373, 379, 383, 389, 397, 401, 409, 419, 421, 431, 433, 439, 443, \
    449, 457, 461, 463, 467, 479, 487, 491, 499, 503, 509, 521, 523, 541, \
    547, 557, 563, 569, 571, 577, 587, 593, 599, 601, 607, 613, 617, 619, \
    631, 641, 643, 647, 653, 659, 661, 673, 677, 683, 691, 701, 709, 719, \
    727, 733, 739, 743, 751, 757, 761, 769, 773, 787, 797.

  367. Me?

  368. I declare evolution is true forever.

  369. Thomas Parkin says:

    Yowza!, you just upped the ante in an astonishing way, SteveP ~

  370. Steve Evans says:

    Sadly your #368 was posted a minute too late.

  371. Me!

  372. Dangit. Two more.

  373. Bwhahahahaha! Kneel before Zod!!

  374. Steve Evans says:

    now kneeling….

  375. Ok with my minute I would like to add jell-o and miracle whip to the list of verbotten items in the WoW.

  376. Little Sister says:

    Who’s Zod?

  377. dangit, too late. Memo to next king/queen-for-a-minute: just put your request in your actual prime number post, so as to avoid the bitter disappointment of missing your minute window.

  378. Little Sister says:

    Word of Wisdom or World of Warcraft? I didnt know you were a closet gamer.

  379. Steve Evans says:

    important safety tip, SB2. Thx.

  380. Adam Greenwood says:

    Who’s Little Sister?
    This minute’s Nacle Queen, that’s who.

  381. Adam Greenwood says:

    Blah blah blah.

  382. Adam Greenwood says:

    King!

  383. Steve Evans says:

    Another wasted opportunity.

  384. Thomas Parkin says:

    Little Sister,

    Video of Zod, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI

  385. Little Sister says:

    WAIT PRIME!!!

    I Declare That All Testimonies Must Begin As Such:

    “I personally believe, that U.S. Americans…”

  386. Adam Greenwood says:

    I declare every number I post on to be prime.

  387. Kings/Queens:

    Make sure to address the hot-button issue of what should be on Ardis’ (-is’s?) tombstone, besides the full text of CA Prop. 8 and every comment Steve Evans has ever submitted anywhere.

  388. Steve Evans says:

    prime number declaration FAIL

  389. Little Sister says:

    Oh no!! Two minutes too late. :(

  390. I never did find out if Mormons aren’t allowed to be Mooses (Moose, Meese?).

  391. Nora, LOLZ! Trying to scrape actual information from this thread? FAIL!!

  392. Adam Greenwood says:

    Of course a Mormon can be a Moose. Mormon girls go big for Registered Meeses.

  393. When I’m King of the Bloggernacle I will strictly forbid Mooses from being baptized Mormons.

  394. Adam Greenwood says:

    You will never be King.

  395. Besides, don’t they have cloven hoofs?

  396. I’m in the dentist’s office waiting room now. Catching up on Highlights.

    Serious? ‘Cause I just got back. I spent my time reading up on floors.

  397. Someone needs to link this phenomenon-that-is-the-PBR in the “Sideblog.”

  398. Adam Greenwood says:

    Kings?

  399. Only the King of Darkness, Adam.

  400. Adam Greenwood says:

    Kings have cloven hooves?

  401. Steve Evans says:

    A moose once bit my sister…

  402. I means Mooses! No Mormon Mooses!

  403. Adam Greenwood says:

    King! I decree that all my post numbers are prime and all commenters are me.

  404. Can someone please loan me some prime credit? The subprime stuff is old and busted.

  405. Steve Evan's sister says:

    Yeah, but you should have seen the other moose.

  406. Missed it again.

    It’s easier to get elected to Congress than to become King of the Bloggernacle.

  407. Adam Greenwood says:

    Kingster!

  408. Adam Greenwood says:

    I decree all my post numbers are prime and all comments anywhere in the Bloggernacle during my minute count as me.

  409. Adam re- 359

    Fail FAIL.

    “Tende MErcies” = Nephi. Idiot.

  410. Er Fail fail fail? crap!

  411. Adam Greenwood says:

    All Mormons who don’t have little fishes on their cars are bad Mormons.

    Darwin fish count.

  412. Adam Greenwood says:

    I decree that Nephi did not refer to Tende MErcies. Even in the original Latin.

  413. Oh, fat man poop.

  414. Adam Greenwood says:

    I renew all my previous decrees and decree that they are self-renewing.

  415. Steve Evans says:

    You can’t expand your decrees. That’s like wishing for more wishes, which, per Disney’s Aladdin, is strictly forbidden.

  416. Adam Greenwood says:

    I decree that you are out of order. Comment #416 is now terra nullius.

  417. Adam Greenwood says:

    King!!

  418. Adam Greenwood says:

    I decree that any comment of mine counts as prime, for the purposes of Kingship, and any comment by any commenter anywhere counts as a comment by me, for the purposes of Kingship. I decree that this decree and any other decrees of mine are automatically renewed whenever I acquire another minute of Kingship.

  419. I decree that Steve is IN order.

  420. Adam Greenwood says:

    I decree that no one can become King or Queen as long as the position is already occupied.

  421. I decree that Adam is New Order.

  422. Adam Greenwood says:

    #420 FAIL

  423. Steve Evans says:

    Wow, no wonder the Nephites wanted to kill all the king-men.

  424. I decree that Adam Greenwood’s presence takes all the fun out of any thread, any blog. And that is self-evident and eternal, regardless of my chiming in on a non-prime comment number.

  425. Adam Greenwood says:

    Ben Pratt, as much as I admire your plucky, underdog presumption, you lack the authority to make decrees. Back to your decretal.

  426. Adam Greenwood says:

    #425–Your decree is adopted and ratified by His Royal Myself. Commenters will please remove all their fun from any thread, any blog, as soon as possible.

  427. Adam can’t be New Order. He’s already A Flock of Seagulls.

  428. I’ve decided JA is Kevin Barney.

  429. Steve Evans says:

    Yeah, no decree needed re: 425. You don’t have to decree the sky to be blue or gravy to be delicious.

  430. Not really, but perhaps it will help the conversation.

  431. That’s three more. Seven to go to do my part.

    And JA is actually MCQ.

    Or not.

  432. Adam Greenwood says:

    I now decree that there can be more than one King or Queen at a time, provided none of my decrees are revoked. This applies to everyone, except Steve Evans, and the cremated remains of Ardis E. Parshall.

  433. Yeah, no kidding. Thanks a lot!

    I’m done with decrees. From now on I’ll just declare things.

    I declare that we should rise up against our freedom-hating king.

    I further declare that all walruses should have their buckets returned POSTHASTE.

  434. AG is banned!

  435. However, it’s not really a good thread until Steve bans someone.

    I’m not volunteering for that, though.

    Six more to go.

  436. arg, #435 is landing on a prime number FAIL

  437. Adam Greenwood says:

    I decree that the sky is blue.
    That gravy is delicious.
    And that bacon and green chile make all main dishes better.

  438. #438 It’s true.

    Last night we had quesadillas with tomatoes and bacon. Rock rock on!

  439. Steve Evans says:

    Ivan, under the “he who smelt it” theory, you’re looking like a prime JA suspect. Is your real last name Boyack?

  440. The legal profession at its finest.

  441. Leave it to Researcher to do the actual research, folks.

  442. Steve Evans says:

    Look kids, we’re doing this for GST. Dear Leader assigned us 800 comments, and that’s what we’re going to do!

  443. I’m presently sitting in a Chinese buffet restaurant. I came straight from the dentist to put this temporary crown through the paces.

  444. Kevin Barney says:

    Holy crap, you guys weren’t kidding! More than halfway to your goal…

  445. In my experience, no one on BCC ever kids around, especially when it comes to holy crap.

  446. First!

  447. Thomas Parkin says:

    No to H800!! ~

  448. Analysts at BBC and the Times have discovered that 443 comments in this thread have been photochopped. You can totally tell ’cause the shadows aren’t right.

  449. Steve Evans says:

    It’s all thanks to your wife Kev.

  450. I don’t think it’s holy or fecal.

  451. Okay — here’s a mystery. I just found a button under my desk that doesn’t correspond to any article of clothing that I’m wearing.

    I haven’t decided yet if it is evidence of evolution or of divine creation. Although surely if it had evolved, I would have found some intermediate buttons around here.

  452. And I think Fibonacci Numbers would be better monarchical indicators.

    0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144 233 377 610 987

  453. “I now decree that there can be more than one King or Queen at a time, ”

    My kindergartener brought home a book about this.

  454. I came to this thread late, and I haven’t read all of the comments. But I just want to add, Prop 8.

  455. Adam Greenwood says:

    KW, will you marry me?

  456. Adam Greenwood says:

    If yes, well, too bad.

  457. I am currently assembling a google spreadsheet tracking who has contributed to this thread so far, and whether they are Mormon. Please click here to view the spreadsheet. And if possibly, please e-mail me if you can identify any Mormon names that you know from the list.

  458. Adam Greenwood says:

    For those aspiring to join the Dual Monarchy:

    461 463 467 479 487 491 499 503 509 521 523 541
    547 557 563 569 571 577 587 593 599 601 607 613 617 619 631 641 643 647 653 659
    661 673 677 683 691 701 709 719 727 733 739 743 751 757 761 769 773 787 797 809
    811 821 823 827 829

  459. If only you had asked me a week ago, Adam. If only.

    Ahh, well. We’ll always have Paris.

  460. Mornington Crescent!

  461. 452: Turns out desks reproduce asexually. It’s not a button: it’s a spore (more precisely, a chlamydospore; and even more precisely, a chlamydoconidium).

  462. Steve Evans says:

    chlamydospore, chlamydoconidium; who cares. Any chlamydia are worthy of discussion here.

  463. If that’s the case, I think I should kill it. It does not have good parentage.

  464. Adam Greenwood says:

    Good or goodly?

  465. Adam Greenwood says:

    “We’ll always have Paris.”

    Yes, well, I’ve been meaning to mention that. I sold my share of Paris to Attila the Hun.

  466. Is your real last name Boyack?

    I wish. (no, not really).

    Nope, Wolfe is my real last name. But Snarker is my middle name. (Actually, Angus is my middle name, but who would want to admit that? Oh, wait I just did).

    So what I’m trying to say is that Kaimi is JA. ;-)

  467. I’ve lost track of how many more I have to go before I reach 16 and can quit.

    and gst is not JA.

  468. This whole effort reminds me of that seinfeld episode where Kramer rides in the car until it’s out of Gas. I predict similar results.

    And by the way, the Office (American) is better than Seinfeld.

  469. Dude, I can’t be JA. I am Spartacus.

  470. Trivia question: Which bloggernacler is the author of a hymn in our current hymn book?

  471. A: Lee Tom Perry.

  472. Perhaps, Matt W., but in our hour of darkness, we can and will call upon Ray to save our thread!

  473. Kaimi, it’s a trick question, as all hymns written be bloggernaclers have only appeared in previous editions of Hymns.

  474. “be” in #476 should obviously be “by.”

    Although, technically it could have been “for,” “in memory of,” or “to spite.”

  475. Kaimi, you wrote a hymn??

  476. Although, technically it could have been “for,” “in memory of,” or “to spite.”

    All of my blogging is be Adam Greenwood.

  477. I hereby declare . . . (damn, drawing a blank)

  478. that all men are created equal.

    Whew!

    Ooops. Sorry about that, women.

  479. No no no, Steve. I am _Spartacus_. Check the index, and you’ll see; no hymns by Spartacus.

  480. I’ll take a chance to hit it. KIng?

  481. Dang!

  482. Holy crap, Justin.

  483. Hey, who am I to argue with Justin?

    B-)

  484. Kaimi you are King now

  485. Don’t watch this clip while driving a car.

  486. Oh, crap. I keep wasting these.

  487. I need to draw up a wish list of my first 100 days. And then just copy it in.

  488. damn! king again.

    women’s rights!

  489. If Kaimi is Spartacus and Adam is King and SteveP is Kingmaker, does #482 mean that Justin is Researcher?

  490. Researcher says:

    Nope to Ben in 493. I have no aliases. Besides the one I’m using. And I’m female. I sincerely hope Justin isn’t.

  491. Touché!

  492. KW was robbed in 1998.

  493. So, what Kaimi is saying is that Spartacus is JA!

  494. Kaimi isn’t Spartacus. He’s just a singer of songs.

  495. 499?

  496. I like both clams and oysters. I learned this in kindergarten, after my parents were jailed for trying to opt me out of all seafood.

    I like chicken, too. Chicken a la king.

  497. Yes! I declare everyone in California must wear socks with their sandals!

  498. Are pants still optional?

  499. SteveP,

    2:38 – 2:36 = 2

  500. Damnit!

    Um, I declare that chickens should have larger cages. And no marriage for the gays. I am the California electorate.

  501. Did you say no marriage for guys?

  502. Is there a rule about minutes buried in this list, better restate, I missed it.

  503. Spartacus is the worst movie of all time. I mean seriously, if your mortal enemy gives you and your best friedns swords (SWORDS!) and tells you to fight each other to the death, and the winner will be crucifed and the loser will be killed by his friend, do you just fight your friend, or do you take those swords (SWORDS!) and at least try to give your mortal enemy a little what for.

    SERIOUSLY!

  504. Err, SteveP? You _made_ the rule about minutes.

  505. in 366

  506. Yesterday in Elder’s Quorum (JS Chapter 20) the teacher was trying to make a point that husbands should try to do more with their spouse, spending time with like interests. He went on to mention that one guy’s wife plays World of Warcraft with him (and that her Warlock was quite tough), and another has his wife join them for Dungeons & Dragons in his basement. I spoke up and said my wife and I just have sex. That is why they made me prez – to take a stand and say the unpopular – how else will this next generation ever learn.

  507. Mwahaha. Now, I am prepared. (Reads from pre-written script):

    -The Articles of Faith songs shall be abolished. And replaced with classics, like Old McDonald Had a Farm, and Creedence.

    -The Proclamation on the Family shall be abolished. And replaced with classics, like Old McDonald Had a Farm, and Creedence.

    -Wonder bread is abolished for sacramental use.

    -Sacramental wine is reinstated. A nice chardonnay, perhaps. Don’t forget to chill it, no one wants to drink warm wine. And no hanging out at the sacrament table drinking the leftover cups afterwards. Come on, have a little class.

    -Sally DeFord is abolished. And replaced with classics, like Old McDonald Had a Farm, and Creedence.

    -Millennial Star is abolished. And replaced with classics, like Old McDonald Had a Farm, and Creedence.

    -Steve Evans is abolished . . .

  508. Kaimi, the rule was about comment number, not the time stamp.

  509. And I just got back from the dentist and I get a crown tomorrow – that makes me the king I guess.

  510. While we are on the topic, I just want to say I’m grateful for Mac Wilberg for at least partially reversing the trend towards pop church songs that sound like “Carpenters” rejects. I’m looking at you,Janice Kapp Perry!

  511. Just like me, they long to be, exalted too.

  512. I can’t believe I already read 514 posts to a crappy PBR, and now we are fighting over prime numbers, and a virtual online kingship (or queenship). Plus Ardis impending demise is really bumming me out.

    It was interesting to learn about Kevin Barney’s wife, though….And the Crow is real!!!

  513. No that’s how long you get to be King or Queen. Not how long between posts. I think. I never know what I mean any more.

  514. Careful, gst. You’re on the fast track to being abolished.

  515. BTW, the Dow is tanking about 1 point for every three comments. Can we stop this madness?

  516. Sure, SteveP. But you became king at 5:36. You were king for exactly one minute (until 5:37).

    And so your 5:38 declaration is a nullity. You weren’t king at that time. You were just another deposed ex-monarch.

  517. I felt sure 517 was going to be prime, but its not, look:

    367, 373, 379, 383, 389, 397, 401, 409, 419, 421, 431, 433, 439, 443, \
    449, 457, 461, 463, 467, 479, 487, 491, 499, 503, 509, 521, 523, 541, \
    547, 557, 563, 569, 571, 577, 587, 593, 599, 601, 607, 613, 617, 619, \
    631, 641, 643, 647, 653, 659, 661, 673, 677, 683, 691, 701, 709, 719, \
    727, 733, 739, 743, 751, 757, 761, 769, 773, 787, 797.

    It should be though because it seems so much like a prime. One should avoid the appearance of Prime I think.

  518. go go go, SteveP. Stop wasting your minute talking about Primes. Go change something.

  519. I do believe in the Crow. I am waiting for someone from BYU Motion Pictures to come in and help us out.

  520. Isn’t there a recent Coldplay song about a king falling from power?

  521. But then by accident I hit 521 which doesn’t seem like it should be prime but is! Its a miracle. I declare Skittles against the Word of Wisdom.

  522. Skittles would be against the WoW if we took their commercials seriously.

  523. Steve, a friend of a friend of a cousin of my wife’s college roommate attended a fireside where the animal trainer who worked in those movies talked about all the animals. And the crow was real. Trust me.

  524. I want to believe!

    Robot or no, you gotta admit that’s a helluva crow.

  525. Well carry on. I’m off to bed.

    I hope you reach it before I wake up!

  526. (Shhhh…The crow’s leg was tied to the tree so it would stay in place. Don’t tell PETA.)

  527. Pfft, Hunter. That’s nothing. A leaf was stapled to his groin to hide his junk.

  528. None of you came to my funeral. I am dead and cremated, and now free to haunt you all. Don’t go to sleep tonight.

  529. So according to the link in #496, There’s a 1998 picture of Kaimi just waiting to be rediscovered in the September 1998 issue. Who’ll be the first to post a link?

  530. That’s right, gst. Because nothing says R-rated faster than full-on frontal crow nudity!

  531. Wait Ardis — who got to kill you?!?!

  532. Chad Too, I’m looking at it on paper now. I’m not sure the living are ready for it.

  533. Had you made the time to attend, Steve, you would know. As it is, I shan’t tell you.

    (We use words like “shan’t” on this side of the veil.)

  534. 537 comments at BCC has apparently somehow crashed T&S.

  535. Ardis,

    Are you haunting the old house you talked about, or is the FAIR conference, looking for your table? Or are you waiting to take up residence in the stacks of the new Church History Library when it’s finished?

    “I shan’t deny it: I felt a cold shiver as I walked past the bound volumes of the old Juvenile Instructor. It was especially noticeable when looking at the Beneficial Life Insurance ads.”

  536. T&S will never get fixed because all their permabloggers are trapped in this thread forever.

  537. Ardis, how can we avenge your untimely demise without a little help. Take a cue from Hamlet’s ghost. Did someone pour poison in your ear while you were taking a nap at the Archives?

  538. On the other hand, things have picked up around here since you bit it — so thanks, I guess.

  539. Ardis: Kindly, “on Earth as it is in Heaven.”
    (More brusquely: Sermon-on-the-mount speak for “Cough it up!!”)

  540. I feel like we have jumped the shark now that Ardis is dead. Unless she pulls a Patrick Duffy and surprises Victoria Principal in the shower.

  541. Here’s Kaimi’s picture from the 1998 New Era.

    [Link doesn't work -- Ed.]

  542. Er, if that didn’t work, you can probably see what I did wrong and fix it Steve. Somehow my incorporealness doesn’t give me admin powers on BCC. Darn it. Being offed is such a waste.

  543. Great. I just get here and now Steve claims the shark is jumped.

    Apparently I am Doug Henning, Shields & Yarnell, Ted McGinley, and the Ice Vanities all rolled into one. A very crowded one.

  544. KING!!!!!!! I declare that the shark is unjumped and cannot jump again. It’s unnatural.

  545. The only fix I have is to delete your comment and mock you, Ardis. Dead bloggers are the worst.

  546. kevinf, I’m peering over your left shoulder right now. Touch that keyboard and I’ll zap you!

  547. Such a spoilsport, Steve. Okay, the next time I die, you can pull the trigger / pour the poison / light the fuse / cut the brakeline / whatever your pleasure is. Meanwhile, I have a shark to gut.

  548. Adam Greenwood says:

    Sorry about missing your funeral, Ardis E. Parshall. I didn’t make it until the after-funeral meal.

    It was good.

    Say hi to Lincoln for me. Ask him if he does seances.

  549. Actually I have no idea how to fix your link, Ardis. Email me the picture and I’ll fix.

  550. I “Ow” hey “%#*@**!” Make it stop!

  551. Ardis: Is it fun being dead? Do the dead really enjoy “that same sociality”?

  552. Thomas Parkin says:

    Not just any poison did someone steal into Ardis’ ear,- while she slept in the archives, always her habit of the afternoon in the garden,- but vial of cursed hebona.

    Golly, I’d been hoping this thread would get around to Hamlet, and now it has happened. ~

  553. I was never really social on THAT side of the grave, Hunter.

  554. Ardis is now queen. Long live the.. er… dead Queen?

  555. The truth stands revealed — it was THOMAS PARKIN, in the library, with a vial of cursed hebona!

  556. Adam Greenwood says:

    This calls for pomegranates!

  557. Thomas Parkin says:

    I was pretty much ion love with your wife, Ardis.
    Don’t know if you can blame me for that. ~

  558. Thomas, I haven’t been near California in years.

  559. Thomas Parkin says:

    No to H800!

  560. Everybody is waiting for someone else to comment so they can jump in on 569. Slackers.

  561. We don’t jump sharks anymore. We nuke fridges. Can you un-nuke a fridge?

  562. Here’s 566. Get ready.

  563. I think that’s it.

  564. I mean, what is it?

  565. Adam Greenwood says:

    Yep.

  566. It’s it!

    And I declare that I’m outta here!

  567. good Indy IV reference Ivan.

  568. And I declare Adam Greenwood as my proxy king while I am gone.

  569. Also excellent Faith No More reference.

  570. This September 1988 New Era is kinda interesting. There’s an article on a Celtic group by somebody named Eric D. Snider. I wonder whatever happened to him?

  571. Steve Evans says:

    For #538, Ardis, you just got yourself resurrected.

  572. The Mormonisms page is FABulous … There’s a block of black rectangles with a caption reading “A Day in the Life of a Lens Cap” and a pome reading “roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but not this one.”

    Sometimes it pays to be dead.

  573. Meredith C says:

    They still publish the New Era?

  574. If Ardis is dead, can I have her laptop?

  575. You guys are worse than a James Eastland (D-Miss) 1964 filibuster.

  576. #561–lolz! Awesome, Adam.

  577. Wow. Just, wow.

  578. Smart man, Matt W. I’ve often (boringly often) told people around here that if they come across me lying in the road, freshly hit by a truck, they should secure my laptop before calling 911.

  579. Steve Evans says:

    Mark B., I was trying to channel Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

  580. I was trying to channel that guy with the autistic grandson in the filibuster episode of West Wing.

  581. Wait, I thought this thread was somehow channeling dead Ardis? So confused…

  582. #558 – that is a nice picture, Kaimi. All things bright and beautiful indeed.

  583. Steve Evans says:

    I was going to wait until later, but I’ll say it now: whomever makes comment #800 gets a copy of this year’s BCC christmas mix CD.

    Yes, I’m serious.

    I’ll send a copy to commenter #700 as well.

  584. In other words, we’re all channeling Nancy Reagan doing a seance…

  585. Ben is confused! Our job is done.

  586. “Our” job, Ardis? Are you speaking in the plural now? Is this the “royal we”? Queen, indeed!

  587. I want that CD real bad. Channeling Napoleon Dynamite.

  588. I think we may have brought Keepa back from the dead, or mostly dead.

    I’m off to blathe…

  589. What is on the Christmas mix? Do you sing any songs, Steve?

  590. Steve Evans says:

    Kori, only the elect will know.

  591. Hunter, we’ll get back to you on that one.

  592. Crap! I’m neither elect nor a woman who knows, so I MUST be commenter #700 or 800.

  593. Steve Evans says:

    I just wanted to say

  594. Steve Evans says:

    that I am

  595. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    598?

  596. What does #600 get?

  597. I’m king again, for 30 seconds…

  598. I have commented on this thread more than I have in the last 3 (4?) years of reading BCC. I’m trying to do my part, powers that be.

  599. Steve Evans says:

    SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

  600. referring to #593, not #599. All hail King Steve!

  601. Steve Evans says:

    Epic waste of #600.

  602. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    he who hesitates will not be 598?

    But maybe 601.

  603. Imagine what we could do if we combined our forces for something worthwhile.

  604. … and the Brad sneaks in at #601 FTW!

  605. Or not. It might be too disheartening to know that we never will.

  606. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

  607. … only to be de-throned by Floyd @607. This is getting confusing. All these bloodless coups…

  608. Ha!

  609. WRT Prop 8 protesters:
    Anger is not an argument.

  610. All my life, I wanted to be involved in one major stupid and futile gesture. Thank you, BCC, for giving me this chance.

  611. I just realized that you all are probably going to hit 800 during my commute home. And I’m going to miss it.

    And then I realized how lame that is.

  612. Thomas Parkin says:

    gst,

    I’m with you there, this thread is standing between me and NIHILISM! ~

  613. You are more than just involved gst.

  614. Steve Evans says:

    I dedicate this thread to all the Bannergate haters. This is your big shot at being part of something awesome.

  615. gst, is that a Prop 8 joke?

    For shame…

  616. Desperate Housewives says:

    Is it possible that the number of postings will exceed the famous FMH posting about sex? What did that one finally end up at?

  617. Hunter, this thread is on a par with watching your odometer turn over 100000. You might get lucky on your commute. More than I can say for us still watching the paint dry here.

  618. 99 bottles of root beer on the wall, 99 bottles of root beer…

  619. This post is going to screw with Ziff’s next round of ‘nacle-stats in a big way.

  620. Steve Evans says:

    I expect more from former bishops than cheap shots like that. Kevinf is sentenced to writing three 30-word essays on why he loves (a) BCC, (b) Police Beat Roundtable, and (c) Steve Evans. Either he posts them before #700 or……

    BANNINATION!

  621. kevinf, watch your tone, pal. Comments at this site are expected to show respect, even when in disagreement with the overall thread. Don’t make Steve mod-queue your ass…

  622. **trying to imagine what fabulous prizes they’ll offer at FMH and the 404blog when they try to break this record…**

  623. You started it, gst. We should thank you.

    But we won’t.

  624. One more posting says:

    One more posting!

  625. One more posting says:

    One more posting! Again.

  626. One more posting says:

    One more posting! yet again.

  627. One more posting says:

    I get an error message that tells me I’m posting too quickly. Ho will I see 800 before I have to go home?

  628. Don’t make me out you, one more poster-boy. We have STANDARDS here.

  629. Okay, who is willing to put money in the pot to have Steve turn comments off at 799 just to ruin gst’s day…

  630. A great FHE activity says:

    The kids and I are going to post here for FHE.

  631. For the edification of all, and to further the work of this filibuster, I will now proceed to post excerpts from the Greenwood-GST Papers, currently residing in my chat logs.

    (Greenwood’s bequest included the limitation that the seal not be broken until 25 years after his death, or until he’s not looking, which ever comes sooner.)

  632. Way to waste a prime number spot, one more.

    Does nobody want to sing with me? Really? :’-(

    …take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of root beer on the wall…

  633. Who has opening prayer this week? The lesson? Refreshments?

  634. Adam: Aaaah.
    You heard the latest Cougar controversy?
    me: No, do tell.
    Adam: Apparently lipreaders claim that Bronco Mendenhall was yelling into his headset last Saturday to one of his assistants–
    1:44 PM “Shut your ass! Shut your ass!”
    The mind boggles.
    1:45 PM me: I think it’s good advice. Akin to “lock your heart.”
    Adam: Heh.
    me: I will tell my young son, when he enters the MTC, “Boy, lock your heart. And shut your ass.”
    1:46 PM Adam: Kyle Whittingham, Utah’s LDS headcoach, was caught on camera yelling
    what the sh**!”
    It just goes to show that Mormons shouldn’t cuss.
    They’re no good at it.
    1:47 PM me: LaVell Edwards, who you may recall once addressed us at General Conference, is reported to use language entirely consistent with the language of most football coaches (and sailors, and longshoremen).
    Adam: In other news, I heard that the oath ‘judas priest’ was originally a Mormon invention.
    I doubt it.
    But I hope so.
    Becaues then honor would require me to use it.
    1:48 PM J. Golden’s language was no better than it should have been.
    me: I presently favor, “By Thor’s Hammer!”
    or “Great Odin’s Raven!”
    1:49 PM Adam: I like ‘swounds’ or ‘by my oath.’
    1:50 PM But I never use them.
    1:51 PM In practice all that slips out my pure mouth is cripes, crud, and crumby.

  635. 641!

  636. Oh, and any of you have any tattoos?

  637. ok now!

  638. A great FHE activity says:

    Smoores for treat this FHE!

  639. dang.

  640. FAIL

  641. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    My Grandfather’s name was Odin. Don’t take it in vain.

  642. Queen Cynthia = FAIL, that is. S’mores are never a fail. Even the Little Debbie fake ones.

  643. 6:22 PM me: My wife remarked that I need to be more introspective. So I looked inside myself, and do you know what I found? A dynamo powered by thermal convection in my liquid outer core.
    6:23 PM Adam: Not a meatbag?
    6:24 PM me: That too

  644. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    I told my wife that the raven was our family totem because they ate Grandpa Odin’s eye.

  645. Cynthia, ouch, you just missed it!

  646. @ Floyd: Do any of your uncle’s have tools with Scandinavian names?

  647. gratutious apostrophe, my apologies.

  648. A great FHE activity says:

    That should be a marshmallow dynamo powered by chocolate surrounded by Graham crackers.

  649. I have a husqvarna

  650. chainsaw, not motorcycle.

  651. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    We don’t talk about Uncle’s tools in mixed company.

  652. This thread involves kings and queens, as does the epic thread over at Mormon Mentality, the welfare queen one. Coincidence??? I think not.

  653. *snort*

  654. Thomas Parkin says:

    Ben & Jerry’s Smores used to be called Marsha Marsha Marshmellow. That just says everything to me. ~

  655. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    My uncle Maxwell does have a silver hammer.

  656. Cynthia L. This thread also involves geeks and dweebs and did the thread over at Mormon Mentality….

  657. And as I recall, Cynthia, some real tools posted in that epic thread so we’re even MORE apropos.

    Most of those tools had names too.

  658. Wowza! We’re getting closer to 800! I just felt a little tickle in my belly button! (Or “tummy button” as my grandmother would prefer I say, since the word ‘belly’ is “so vulgar.”)

  659. A great FHE activity says:

    As Olivia Newton-John said, “Have you ever been (marsh)mellow?”

  660. >I have a husqvarna

    lol. The Mormony goodness of this thread is off the charts. I love it! Except for the cussing. Or maybe including the cussing.

  661. Here’s some video for you to enjoy.

  662. I’m doubtful of getting in three posts before # 700, so let me just publicly apologize for doubting the one true PBR, or Steve Evans, (aka the One Mighty and Strong, assuming he hits the next prime number), and yes, I do love BCC. But apparently not as much as the rest of you. That’s at least one thirty word essay, and that will just have to do.

  663. A great FHE activity says:

    “Have you ever tried?”

  664. 8:43 AM me: My dad and I were talking about the importance of salt in commercial fishing before the advent of ocean-going refrigeration. I noted that “I’ve been eating canned fish like mad lately.” He said, “You mean, like in a frenzy? Bones flying about the room, that sort of thing?”
    8:47 AM Adam: Like Calvin eating PBJs–its the the only way.
    8:48 AM Incidentally my wife had the bright idea of putting the drained tuna water in a sippy cup for our littlest at church.
    She didn’t tell me.
    So I wasn’t careful about her flinging it around. I thought it was just H2O.
    Result: drenched pants.
    Dad reeks of tuna.
    8:51 AM me: Drained tuna water? Was she out of pickle brine?
    Adam: Couldn’t find the whiskey.

  665. I think its “never been” and “never tried” to be ticky tacky.

  666. OOO, Steve you got the mark of the Beast!!!

  667. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    OK, the Beatles reference was over all y’all’s heads.

    “Bang, bang. Maxwell’s silver hammer came down on her head.
    Bang, bang. Maxwell’s silver hammer made sure she was dead.”

  668. Mjolnir! Darned if I could remember that name. Thanks Wiki.

    Good thing the Internet knows everything.

  669. A great FHE activity says:

    Evans is the Beast!!! That means that he has the lesson next week.

  670. 8:15 PM me: How do you feel about the elderly?
    Adam: I feel they are old. what kind of a question is that?

  671. Adam Greenwood says:

    I decree that this thread shall never reach 800, even if appearances belie me.

  672. gst, is this conversation alleged to have actually taken place, or is it just part of your fevered imagination?

    ’cause it sounds nuts.

  673. 683? I have no dignity left, anyway.

  674. My other Brother Jones says:

    OK! We are safe now. We have passed 666 and we have apparently survived!

  675. sigh.

  676. We’re having Toll House Pie with real whipped cream topping for FHE. Beat that.

  677. On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese …

  678. Floyd the Wonderdog says:

    How Grandpa Odin got his name is a mystery. Perhaps a closet pagan? I wonder if Steve Evans (a.k.a. the Beast) knew him. Perhaps they meet at Samhain.

  679. A great FHE activity says:

    Beat whipped cream? Of course!!!

  680. Has anyone actually seen Steve with his shoes off? I’m wondering if he has cloven hooves.

  681. He sat down at a highbrow restaurant, pointed to a line on the French menu card, and said to the waiter: “Bring me some of that.”

    “Sorry, sir,” answered the waiter, “but the orchestra is playing that.”

  682. Thomas Parkin says:

    Don’t give up, Cynthia L.

    If there is one thing you must always remember it is NEVER GIVE UP! ~

  683. An inferiority complex would be a fine thing if the right people had it.

  684. @Floyd, Perhaps spectral Ardis could slip away from her book-of-life research duties in Paradise and scoot over to Valhalla to ask?

  685. I’m not giving up…in all my Mormony goodness.

  686. And now, a selection from the Evens-GST Papers:

    7:40 PM Steve: also, simultaneously watching Cops on Hulu
    Cops is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement!
    7:41 PM me: So you know it’s good!
    Steve: suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law! Domestic disturbance. All I hear is the click-click-click of the taser. Sounds like love.

  687. I don’t know how to spell “Evans.”

  688. Blogs are much like people. When they get big they can do things they would have been spanked for while little.

    This threads, for example.

  689. almost there

  690. I ‘spec[tral] she could, Chad Too. But will she? leaving the drama of this thread?

  691. Don’t you have some sort of simultaneous-other-kingdom-visiting superpowers?

  692. mine!

  693. ha

  694. Besides, we don’t want this thread ending up in the Book of Life.

  695. I said, “MINE!”

  696. “Daddy, what is a traitor?”

    “A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.”

    “Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?”

    “A convert, my boy.”

  697. Thomas Parkin says:

    I wonder if anyone is going to explode before we reach H800.

    My wife wants use of the computer. How am I to tell her no?~

  698. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

  699. So close!

  700. dang.

  701. I was only one off. Do I get a consolation prize?

  702. Okay, I have to leave here in 22 minutes, and it takes about 22 minutes to walk home. You’re all darn well going to do whatever it takes to pass 800 while I can watch, or I’m going to come back from the great beyond, reassume my pre-cremation form, and GET YOU!!

    Write inanities for all you’re worth people. Now!

  703. Inanities?!? Here?!?

  704. This isn’t horseshoes or Iraq, Chad.

  705. FWIW, the other blog is back.

  706. “Are you going to Europe for your vacation, Senator?”

    “No,” answered the Senator. “What’s the use of traveling around among people who don’t speak my language, and who couldn’t vote for me even if they did?”

  707. There are other blogs?

    Steve, I fully expect you to pay up.

    You did offer your firstborn child, correct?

  708. There’s a Fallujah joke in there somewhere, but I’m going to let it pass.

  709. Wrecked motorist: “I had the right of way, didn’t I?”

    Bystander: “Yeh, but the other fellow had a truck.”

  710. Lawyer, reading will of rich woman: “… and to my nephew, Percy, for his kindness in calling every week to feed my darling goldfish, I leave … my darling goldfish.”

  711. “Did you behave in church?” asked an interested relative when Junior returned from the service.

    “Course I did,” replied Junior. “I heard the lady back of us say she never saw a child behave so.”

  712. 9:43 AM me: Dr Johnson in today’s WSJ:
    “On another occasion, during a country stroll, [Dr. Johnson] and some friends came to the top of a steep hill. Johnson announced that he was determined ‘to take a roll down.’ When his friends understood what he meant, they tried to dissuade him. But Johnson insisted, saying that he ‘had not had a roll in a long time.’ Lying down parallel with the edge of the hill, he descended, turning over and over until he reached the bottom.”
    9:44 AM Steve: a brave man.

  713. What? I can type a whole dumb joke before you people can think of anything silly to type? What’s wrong with this picture?

  714. “Inanities for all you’re worth people. Now!”

    There. I did it, Ardis.

  715. Thank you, gst.

    I mean, it would be really stupid of me to talk to myself for the next 80 comments, wouldn’t it?

  716. 12:04 PM Steve: I am trying to control my feelings for Bristol Palin.
    12:06 PM me: Good luck with that

  717. I am going to be laughing my ass off when Steve closes comments at 798.

  718. Hooray for Hunter!

  719. Ben Pratt wins it. Ben, I will contact you via the email address you leave with your comments.

    sorry to Chad Too, who gets nothing.

  720. Can we post a picture of your assless self, Kaimi?

  721. He gets some of my dumb jokes. That ain’t nothing.

  722. 5:01 PM me: When was the last time you moved on your own nickle?
    Steve: when I bought my apt. in NYC
    it was a pain in the rear
    5:02 PM me: Did you use the EQ?
    Steve: hmm
    don’t think so
    me: Moving in a city is such a hassle.
    I moved into a building w/o a service elevator.
    Steve: at that time we had no kids and just a few big items. I think we got a couple of friends and were done quick
    me: Had to use one of the regular elevators.
    5:03 PM My new job won’t pay for my move.
    So I’m on Craigslist looking for love in all the wrong places.
    Steve: get the local hobos
    5:04 PM or cruise past Home Depot early some morning
    5:05 PM me: That’s how I got syphillis

  723. I sooo want 800. More than I want my wife.

  724. Boeing!

  725. By “this picture” do you mean this one?

  726. Magician, to small boy he has called on stage: “Now, my boy, you have never seen me before, have you?”

    Little boy: “No, Daddy.”

  727. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

  728. 8:17 AM me: Dude, I just noted that on Linked In I now have a 2nd degree contact at Al Jazeera
    Steve: awesome

  729. At least when I came in second on Jeopardy I got a lovely armoire.

    Alas, there is no Broyhill at BCC.

  730. The rooster clucks defiance.

  731. My little girl just woke up from her nap and is hungry. What terrible timing!

  732. There’s probably no Balm in Gilead either.

  733. Boeing!!

  734. Thomas Parkin says:

    Let her cry for a bit, Kori, she won’t die.

    Priorities. ~

  735. hmm, another near miss.

    Well, there’s always 747 to try for.

  736. Thomas Parkin – I may just do that. I am a terrible person.

  737. You wish.

  738. I got it

  739. C’mon, people, blather!

  740. Boeing?

  741. Oh, I get it now Kaimi. I’m a little slow.

  742. Mark Brown says:

    Dang it, Ardis, there goes BCC’s chance to get listed at Nothing Wavering.

  743. Dang. Jumped the gun.

  744. gst was smart. He saved these (likely made-up) conversations for the grand finale!

  745. We could save a great deal of time and effort in genealogical work if we baptized numbers in our temples and let the Lord assign those numbers to departed souls at His leisure.

    Discuss.

  746. I’ll give you a topic. The French Revolution was neither French nor a revolution. Discuss.

  747. Ardis, a watched blog never blathers.

  748. Thomas Parkin says:

    No, no. Just that somethings can wait while other things are coming atcha like a locomotive with no brakes. ~

  749. Besides the volume, are these comments really that much different than other BCC posts?

  750. Desperate times call for desperate measures, Mark.

  751. Great minds think alike, eh, spectral Ardis?

  752. No, Jim, they’re warm and familiar. That’s why we’re having so much fun.

  753. Boeing . . .

  754. The Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy, Roman, or an Empire.

  755. Ardis, why on earth do we bother doing baptisms for the dead now anyways? What’s the Millennium for??

  756. Sigh.

  757. Let’s discuss that, Chad.

  758. I think they’re real conversations. No one could sound that stupid intentionally.

  759. You guys, this really is ridiculous. Who cares if the blog gets 800 posts?

  760. I can’t wait to see (or make) the plot of the rate of comments versus time, including the recent, very successful Surge.

  761. It’s for your ancestors to get caught up in, Steve. Mine will not have to stand in line.

  762. 9:07 PM thoughts re: Isaac Hayes
    1.
    damn shame.
    2.
    bad motherf___
    me: What happened to him?
    9:08 PM Steve: Mistah Hayes. He dead.
    me: Really?
    Bernie Mac
    Also dead
    His show was good
    9:09 PM Wasn’t hayes a scientologist?
    Steve: indeed he was. A bad weekend for black pop culture. Now we only have Cedric the Entertainer and Lionel Ritchie.
    9:10 PM me: And yet, Martin Lawrence lives on.

  763. Jim, it’s sort of like the baseball baptisms in my mission in the decade that preceded me. It looks good on paper, but basically just leaves others to deal with the aftermath.

  764. Yep, Kori. The game is to try to hit an airliner. And, in my case, miss. A lot.

  765. And another thing, this is one of my favorite features of BCC.

  766. Thomas Parkin says:

    Kent,

    I … I care. *wipes away a tear* ~

  767. Sigh. Elder Ballard would be so proud. See “Sharing the Gospel Using the Internet” (“Now, may I ask that you join the conversation by participating on the Internet to share the gospel and to explain in simple and clear terms the message of the Restoration. Most of you already know that if you have access to the Internet you can start a blog in minutes and begin sharing what you know to be true.”).

  768. Kent, we’re planning a scholarly conference to discuss that very question. Will you calendar it for us? Thanks.

  769. The police beats, not the trying to get 800 posts.

  770. PACCAR!

  771. Give, said the little stream …

  772. By the way, how’s law treating you? Are you still in law school?

  773. 773rd!

  774. Lockheed Martin!

  775. OK, Ardis, which position do you want to take?

  776. Damnit! I was all ready to Boeing again, too.

  777. Obviously, I’m not typing these posts to get to 800.

  778. My favorite hymn to sing when around heavy Utah accents: “We’ll sing all hail to Jesus’ name” — why?

  779. Northrup Grumman!

  780. Kaimi, you hit 777, but not with Boeing. Huh?

  781. I got it!

  782. Boeing!!^^11

  783. Forget it.

  784. Did I hit it?

  785. Thomas Parkin says:

    picking up speed!!!!!

  786. Yes!

    Yes!

    I can rest now.

  787. Now.

  788. Posts go by so fast.

    Worst. Conversation. Ever

  789. Diggity

  790. NOTE TO ALL: 780 refers to a discussion and NOTHING else.

  791. How about now?

  792. Timing is everything!

  793. I’ve now forgotten the question, Chad. I’m too excited. This is a highlight of my short period as a spector.

  794. sorry Kaimi – I cost you 777. Graduated three years ago. Time flies, doesn’t it?

  795. Check it

  796. I’d like to thank my Mom, and my first grade teacher, and Nate Oman for teaching me how to blog . . .

  797. Wow, extreme irony Kaimi.

  798. Eric Russell says:

    This is ridiculous.

  799. now?

  800. After all, the scribe of the Book of Life is watching.

  801. Adam Greenwood says:

    Losers.

  802. no!!!!!!!!!!!

  803. Excelsior!

  804. Wow!

  805. 800 here I come! (This is like when I was 15 and I called in to the local radio station and was the coveted “caller number 11″! and I won a Stevie Wonder LP. Yes, Stevie Wonder.)

    I so want that Christmas Mix CD…

  806. Oh, now I get it.

  807. Thomas Parkin says:

    flippin dang brilliance.

    I’m so proud I was here. ~

  808. I can’t believe I missed it. Something about “You are posting too fast. Slow down.”

  809. We’re so, uh, cool.

  810. going for 900?
    1000?
    why stop now?

  811. GST wins!!!!!!!!

    I will award one more CD, to number 900. But let’s face it, that will never happen.

  812. G’night.

  813. This is so RIGGED! gst was the one who called for 800 comments in the OP!

    RIGGED!

  814. Time for me to go home. Good luck to those still here, and keep reaching for the Stars.

  815. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of the internet, or Mormonism.

  816. So no tatoos I take it. Wimps.

  817. Dude, did you see how fast we got to 800?

  818. Researcher says:

    Congratulations BCC!

  819. Adam Greenwood says:

    L

  820. Thomas Parkin says:

    Steve, please close this thread!!! We must not hit 900!!! ~

  821. I’m going home, and I’m taking my keyboard with me.

  822. Wait a minute. Gst can’t win – it’s a conflict. So, it goes to 799?! Please!

  823. Adam Greenwood says:

    O

  824. if this puppy hits 9000, I will award copies of all historical BCC Christmas CDs, of which I think there are four.

  825. Adam Greenwood says:

    S

  826. FIX! How did gst game the system to snag 800?

  827. How will life ever be the same?

  828. Adam Greenwood says:

    E

  829. Adam Greenwood says:

    R

  830. MCQ, that’s what I’m talking about (in #765)! I sooo want to see the plot!

  831. Adam has just signed his own name. Time to go. Bye!

  832. Oh, right. Going home.

  833. Adam Greenwood says:

    Sorry, AEP. As an Illiterate, I sign my name like this.

    X

  834. Wow, this was kind of like watching the ball drop in Times Square for 1999/2000. Kind of.

  835. That was pretty exciting. What now?

  836. Wait, there’s this awfully suspicious bit of code that someone added:

    if {count_comments=”799″}
    then RUN comment_post
    {comment_text=”Check it”
    comment_author=”gst”}

    Huh. Wonder what that could mean.

  837. Steve, if you would donate the CD as a gift in my name to the church archives I would appreciate it.

  838. (Now Cynthia is going to point out that that isn’t actually good code.)

  839. Kaimi, who’d’ve thunk that BCC is written in BASIC?

  840. 10 PRINT “YOU SUCKERS!”
    20 GOTO 10

    RUN

  841. This day is called the feast of Crispian:
    He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
    Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
    And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
    He that shall live this day, and see old age,
    Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
    And say ‘To-morrow is Saint Crispian:’
    Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
    And say ‘These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.’
    Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
    But he’ll remember with advantages
    What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
    Familiar in his mouth as household words
    Steve the king, gst and Ardis,
    Chad Too and Kaimi, Adam and Ben Pratt,
    Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d.
    This story shall the good man teach his son;
    And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
    From this day to the ending of the world,
    But we in it shall be remember’d;
    We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
    For he to-day that sheds his blog with me
    Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
    This day shall gentle his condition:
    And gentlemen in England, like Ronan, now a-bed
    Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
    And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
    That blogged with us upon Saint Crispin’s day”

  842. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    We illiterates can still be well-spoken.

  843. Frack.

  844. Eric Russell says:

    Except it’s Chesty’s day today.

  845. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    This thread reminds me of the Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath.

  846. #850 –

    and we all know that one ended well.

  847. Eric, you’re right. Happy Birthday!

  848. gst can’t get 900.

  849. It’s been fun. See you again in a couple years.

  850. This thread will be read aloud every year on this date forevermore.

  851. Nice catching up with you, Kori. Have fun chasing the baby.

  852. Chesty Puller:

    “Remember, you are the 1st Marines! Not all the Communists in Hell can overrun you!”

  853. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    This thread reminds me of the Night Lands.

  854. Eric Russell says:

    Thank you, pass the same to your brother.

  855. Replace “50” with “900”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fo53Krs7N2k

  856. Mark Brown says:

    “Our Country won’t go on forever, if we stay soft as we are now. There won’t be any AMERICA because some foreign soldiery will invade us and take our women and breed a hardier race!”

    -Lt. Gen. Lewis B. “Chesty” Puller, USMC

  857. Another Chesty Puller, during the Chosin Reservoir campaign: “We’re surrounded. That simplifies our problem of getting to these people and killing them.”

  858. Whoa.

  859. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    This thread reminds me of the Worm Ouroborous.

  860. greeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaat………… now that things are dying down here we can get back to Prop 8. Wunderbar.

  861. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    When you wish upon a star, your dreams are gay.

  862. Now I know how my wife feels when I fall asleep right away after…

  863. ….a rousing game of tetherball!

  864. #474 – Not necessary, I see.

  865. What happened? Where did everyone go?

  866. Steve Evans says:

    Nora, they showed up to be #800. Then they left. #900 is still up for grabs.

  867. Here’s some filler to help get Nora to 900.

  868. No need to thank me.

  869. Eric Russell says:

    What is on this Christmas CD, that one should desire it?

  870. Steve Evans says:

    Eric, I cannot disclose its contents. Prior recipients of the CD can testify as to past greatness. It may or may not involve Sufjan Stevens.

  871. So I haven’t read the comments yet but Steve IMed me about it. Should I read them all before saying anything?

  872. It’s a CD of Steve singing “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

  873. Yes, Clark. Otherwise you might inadvertently change the subject.

  874. Steve Evans says:

    Ardis, see no. 842.

  875. I dare you, Steve. The address is Church History Library, CoJCoLDS, 50 E. North Temple, Salt Lake City, UT 84150.

  876. So, who edited the tag that identifies this monster in BCC’s recent comments list?

  877. Steve Evans says:

    Actually I have no idea.

  878. Yeah, Clark, don’t you dare change the subject!

  879. ND – We are too a state!

  880. SD – We are too a state!

  881. CO – Even Bill Gates can’t afford our ski lodges.

  882. 100% felgercarb, I tell you.

  883. This thread reminds me of the time I visited R’lyeh . . .

    (that was for Adam)

  884. Steve Evans says:

    Ivan, that was for all of us, deep down.

  885. Sorry you missed 800, Ray — it was a moment I shall never, ever forget, no matter how many times I die, am cremated, and return from the dead — but at least you’ll be here for 900.

  886. Well, time for FHE.

    Tonight’s lesson is taken from the writings of Abdul Alhazred.

    Have fun y’all!

    Let the gibbering commence.

  887. Ray's nemesis says:

    Ray will not be here for #900.

  888. Ray, he’s behind you!

  889. Steve Evans says:

    Ivan don’t quit, you’re so close!

  890. No, Ray, don’t run into the dark basement!

  891. Researcher says:

    Oh, my goodness. First Ardis, now Ray. Dangerous thread…

  892. Ray, use the fireplace poker!

  893. Ray, don’t let him bite you!!!

  894. Get away Ray!

  895. Ray!

  896. Ray is dead, but I am the 900th commenter. Evans, you owe me music.

  897. I shall listen to the CD and think fondly of Ray.

  898. It’s already hard to remember how he looked, his smile, his little laugh…

  899. We’ll miss you Ray!!!

  900. Steve Evans says:

    He was a good man, that Ray. He has gone the way of all flesh. Thanks for killing him off MCQ.

  901. It was worth just lurking to read those beautiful tributes. To be mentioned in the same breath as Ardis – truly I am a happy spirit.

  902. Well, thanks for the help. Obviously you can’t have a personal life and still keep up with this post. Maybe I will talk to myself all the way to 1000.

  903. Btw, the other option was rejected sexual innuendo as state mottos, but, with the exception of MT, I didn’t want to change the rating of this blog.

  904. Sorry, all of you who would have preferred that.

  905. I will add only this — the prize for #1000 is far, far greater.

  906. Holy crap. You freaks actually made past 900.

  907. No thanks to you, jerk.

  908. Yeah thanks for nothing meatwad. Next thing you know you’ll take credit.

  909. It will all be for naught if we don’t crack 1000…

  910. And by “we” I me all y’all and not really me… since I am too friggin’ lazy to really chip in

  911. “we” — keep dreaming white ska boy.

  912. Plus I’ll probably call you all freaks again when the thread cracks 1000

  913. Being called a freak by Geoff J is well worth cracking 1000.

  914. - although not worth crack.

  915. You’re on my list too, Geoff J.

  916. I just realized that there are people commenting on others threads. Get a life, people. This thread would have passed 1000 by now, if your priorities were right.

  917. So, Ray, how is death treating you?

  918. If the deaths of Ray and Ardis are all that results from this experiment, it shall have been worth it nonetheless.

  919. It’s treating him like it’s treating all the Great Old Ones.

    That is not dead which can eternal lie,
    And with strange aeons even death may die.

  920. That great, Steve?

    I wonder what you’re going to expect for PBR11.

  921. “To me he doth not stink.”

    I never realized what being a spirit does to the olfactory sense. Comments smell much nicer on this side of the veil.

  922. PBR11 – Any virgins around to volunteer – other than Steve, that is.

  923. (The kid in the Skin-to-Skin pictures was a prop.)

  924. Kevin Barney says:

    Wow. I just came back over here to see how your quest was going, and you blew right through 800 and just kept on going. This is definitely a record, right?

  925. This is the thread that never ends
    It just goes on and on, my friends
    Some people started commenting, not knowing what it was
    And they’ll continue reading it forever, just because

    This is the thread that never ends
    It just goes on and on . . .

  926. I call on Steve Evans and gst to resign! They’ve pulled us into a deadly thread with no end in site and no exit strategy. Again, they must resign.

    Good night and good luck.

  927. Also,

    Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

  928. #931 – Ivan, just curious:

    Which is which?

  929. I can’t believe I just typed “#931″ in that context.

  930. Ivan, I hereby resign my post as PBR comment cheerleader. No matter: I’ve just accepted a position as general counsel at Miskatonic University. Arkham, Mass., here I come!

  931. Steve Evans says:

    If I were Dee Snider I’d be singing.

    We’re not gonna make it
    NO!
    We ain’t gonna make it
    We’re not gonna make it
    To 1Kaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

  932. Steve, because I am on this side of the veil, if it means that much to you, I will write a 64 comment comment – not.

    I would say, “Good night,” but I have learned that there is no night in any of the places you might believe I am.

  933. 938 before bed–you West Coasters may have to carry the thread over the threshold.

  934. For FHE tonight, we did a fire drill. Now my kids are too scared to sleep. I might just set my house on fire to break the tension.

  935. Watching The Unit now. Moral of the story: Don’t kidnap SGM Jonas Blane’s daughter. Second moral: Don’t sleep with MSG Mack Gerhardt’s wife.

  936. Sigh. Ok one last one for the road.

    Blah blah blah blah.

  937. Damned cliffhanger episodes!

  938. Best.PBR.EV3R!1!

  939. Ratifications of the CTBTO (in descending order):

    Mozambique 4 November 2008

  940. Burundi 24 September 2008

  941. Colombia 29 January 2008

  942. Malaysia 17 January 2008

  943. Barbados 14 January 2008

  944. As you can see, 2008 was a pretty good year for the CTBT.

  945. Looks like #950 will be devoted to correcting my error in #944: CTBTO should read CTBT.

  946. It’s another lovely morning in Deseret. To what heights — what glorious heights — of numerical astronomicality shall this thread rise this day?

  947. This is the thread that never ends
    Yes it goes on and on my friends

  948. It’s a good thing Clark never came in to change the subject. He’s probably trying to read the whole thread.

    Which will quickly turn him into a gibbering cannibal, of course.

  949. lobba blobba galobba — wanna come to breakfast, Ivan?

  950. I think we now are officially in the “Little Engine That Could Category” – climbing the steep hill that nobody really wants to climb, but knowing our eventual eternal fate rests on the outcome.

    “rests” – wrong word choice.

  951. Lizard King says:

    This is the end
    Beautiful friend
    This is the end
    My only friend
    the end

    Of our elaborate plans, the end
    Of everything that stands, the end
    No safety or surprise, the end
    Ill never look into your eyes…again

  952. Mr. Mojo Risin says:

    This is the end
    Beautiful friend
    This is the end
    My only friend, the end

    It hurts to set you free
    But you’ll never follow me
    The end of laughter and soft lies
    The end of nights we tried to die

    This is the end…

  953. James Morrison says:

    Or maybe not….

  954. Steve Evans says:

    *yawns*

    *blinks eyes*

    You guys still here? There’s nothing more. Go away. Go on. Go!

  955. I just realized that I plagiarized Kaimi’s #930. I am banishing myself now. Goodbye!

  956. Tell Mr. Godot I’m walking the dog.

  957. Casino Spanish Eyes.

  958. Schrodinger’s cat is dead to the world.

  959. Imust learn to protect myself
    I’m not a man of violence
    I must learn to protect myself
    From the sins of science

  960. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

  961. They gave you life and in return you gave them hell.

  962. Primal Scream.

    (all of my previous comments have a common thread – can you guess what it is without doing an internet search?)

  963. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    Bon jour, mes enfants.

    I decree that we shall all make improbable boasts of our fire arms stores and of our derring-do. In honor of Ray, who once scaled Notre Dame Cathedral using nothing but a piece of twine, to rescue one of his remote control MIGs.

  964. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    Ivan Wolfe,
    no.

  965. 970. So close… so very, very close…

  966. Ivan, Tears for Fears.

  967. So close, yet so far away.

  968. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    973. That was the number of silver bullets I had the night I had to break into the Supreme Court building through the underground werewolf dens. I had to correct a comma in an opinion.

  969. improbable boasts of our fire arms stores

    There is nothing improbable about my store of assault weapons kept handily under the pillow. You never know when a foolish virgin will try to break in and steal a twinkie.

  970. The problem with this thread is the precedent it’s setting. Now bloggernacle commenters will start leaving inane comments with reckless abandon. [/softball setup]

  971. Best. PBR. Comment. Thread. Ever.

  972. (maybe)

  973. So, Tom, what you’re saying is that nothing will change? [/obligatory punchline]

  974. It’s an honor to add to this inanity.

  975. Can’t say that about most threads.

  976. Of course, the honor is fairly dubious, but I’ll take dubious honor over getting my class readings done any day.

  977. x

  978. bizarro kevin says:

    Despite what appeared to be a sarcastic and bad mood yesterday, kevinf apologizes for his petulant and belittling comments regarding this remarkable achievement of approaching 1000 comments. He hopes you will indulge him, and welcome him back when he returns to his true self. Congratulations, BCC. Who knew?

  979. X (Adam Greenwood, his mark) says:

    Reckless abandon. Coincidentally, the name of my AK-47.

  980. WHIRRRRRRRRRR. CLICK.

  981. BUZZZZZZZZ.

    WHIRRRRRRRR. CLICK. CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

  982. I love you all.

  983. Steve Evans says:

    Uh-oh.

  984. Steve Evans says:

    This doesn’t sound good.

  985. I never thought it would end like this.

  986. BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

    SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

  987. Syntax error.

  988. If I were James Bond I would circumvent the iris scan and voice recognition systems blocking access to the BCC mainframe and close comments after number 999, just to deny you people the pleasure. And I would be a snooty, violent, promiscuous jerk with untold stockpiles of firearms.

  989. Steve Evans says:

    Guys, I have some bad news — due to BCC’s infamous ‘Y1K’ problem, it is asymptotically impossible for a thread to have 1,000 comments or more. Sorry.

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