This week: Geoff J. drops in as special guest, with disastrous results.
A former student, carrying a hacksaw and a bike, was stopped in the Deseret Towers area at 11:30 a.m. on Saturday. An officer interviewed the individual, and the former student claimed the bike was his. The individual was warned and released due to lack of evidence.
Cynthia: eewwwkay then
Steve: Lack of evidence!
GST: You know, except for the bike and saw and all.
Cynthia: maybe he was doing some kind of scouting project?
Steve: that must have been a helluva interview. What was it, a PPI about home teaching?
Geoff: But what of the hacksaw? Did no one ask if the hacksaw was his?
Cynthia: I think this is really an indictment of BYU.
GST: Maybe he used the BIKE to steal the HACKSAW. You just blew my mind.
Steve: Hacksaw theft is rampant in the Provo-Orem metroplex.
Cynthia: this former student has found his degree so worthless that he’s been reduced to stealing bikes from BYU to earn a living.
GST: That’s probably why the BYU cop didn’t bust him. He felt some institutional guilt.
Geoff: Worse — he was reduced to stealing hacksaws and escaping on his bike!
Cynthia: be warned, BYU students–you’re looking at your future.
Steve: It’s a “former student”, not an alum. So it’s like that Calendar Guy, reduced to hacksaw theft to earn his bread.
Geoff: Let that be a lesson to us all about graduating!
Cynthia: maybe he should just cut to the chase and do bread theft.
Steve: Jean Valjean Jr. has a ways to go.
Three 8-year-old individuals were caught after poking holes in tires of a car at Wymount building 10A. The vandalism occurred between 2 p.m. May 31 and 5 p.m. June 1. The 8-year-olds poked a hole in one tire with scissors. As the tire deflated, the car tipped to one side. When the 8-year-olds saw the car tipping, they poked a hole in the tire on the other side, to even the car out.
The parents are handling the matter. The damage is estimated at $150.
Cynthia: wow, very quick thinking there!
GST: At least they can’t be charged with aggravated asymmetry.
Geoff: Well balanced children at least…
Cynthia: as long as they walked to the car, and not ran, I see no problem here
Steve: They’re 8, and therefore accountable. Take em to the Wymount Waterboarding Complex and get some real information about their safety-scissor terror cell.
Cynthia: can scissors really cut a hole in a tire?? Color me surprised.
Geoff: Didn’t anyone tell them to get that out of the way before they turned 8?
Steve: NO MERCY!
GST: By the way, here’s a tip about higher education: If you have an eight year-old, and you’re still living in student housing, you’re doing it wrong.
Geoff: Lots of people go to college for 8 years…
Steve: Probably grad students living off a welfare check (insert ultimate megathread here)
GST: I wish a PBR would get 800 comments. That would be great.
Steve: Yes We Can, GST, Change is Coming to America.
Cynthia: PBR readers, hear our cry! We desire 800 comments! Yes We Can!!
Steve: We need a picture of GST in red and blue tones: “HOPE”
GST: Snark you can believe in.
Another student in Wymount reported to University Police she received three crank phone calls between June 18 and July 6. She said the calls consisted of boys laughing and gibberish. The calls came from Deseret Towers. Police have no suspects.
GST: Unless someone is there to translate, it is not the gift of tongues.
Cynthia: backstory: it is revealed to boy that she is to marry him, and he is so overcome by the spirit that he speaks in tongues. Also, he desires to give her the gift of tongue. [wait, I just realized that sounds MUCH worse than I intended…..]
Steve: A cunning linguist!
Steve: Incidentally, I found the audio track recorded by the Campus Police.
Geoff: Heheh…. He said tongues
Steve: You know, I suspect this is misreporting. The story should read: “The calls came from Deseret Towers. Police have 5,836 suspects.”
Cynthia: wait, isn’t Wymount the married student housing? wife-search FAIL
On Sept. 8 at 11:05 p.m., a female resident of Wymount reported a threatening phone call. She said the caller threatened to kill her. The suspect then proceeded to make lewd comments and called her disturbing names. Police were able to track the call back to Chicago. The case is still under investigation.
GST: Kevin Barney, damn him.
Cynthia: BREAKING: Obama harrasses BYU students!
Steve: Barney nothing, the caller was William Ayers.
GST: He regrets not doing more.
Steve: Kevin was just palling around with him.
GST: He’s just a guy in Kevin’s neighborhood.
Geoff: On a board with him, that’s all.
Cynthia: it couldn’t have been Obama, because then the report would have read, “suspicious male caller.”
Steve: That all went down when Kevin was only 8, out there levelling out flat car tires.
GST: Kevin’s suspicious too: he has a beard.
Steve: Kevin’s really suspicious: he IS a beard.
GST: That’s … not good. Suggests that his wife is gay.
Steve: I’m straight up saying it. Kevin’s wife is gay. And a terrorist. FARMS can’t help you now, Barney!!!
Geoff: She was bugged about the disturbing names… Seems like the death threat would be enough to report…
GST: Yeah, you’d think so, Geoff. Was it Churchill that said something along the lines of, “If you’re trying to kill someone, it doesn’t hurt to be polite about it.”
Steve: Sounds like Churchill. Or Chef Boyardee.
Geoff: All’s I’m saying is that names will never hurt her, but killing her might…
Cynthia: what are “disturbing names”? Like Lady Macbeth or Freddy?
Steve: whomever said names will never hurt obviously never studied the ways of the Bene Gesserit.
GST: Kevin Barney is a killing word.
Geoff: Maybe they called her “beard wearer” or “Kevin Barney”
GST: His constituents were upset about him signing a communication to Ribbentrop or someone, “I remain, &c”
As a female student approached a red light in her car on Tuesday night, her brakes failed. The student was heading south on 900 E. at around 5 p.m. when the incident occurred. She swerved into the parking lot of the new BYU creamery in an effort to avoid the cars in her lane. As the vehicle entered the parking lot it hit two other cars before it came to a stop inches from the creamery wall. All three cars were towed and there were no substantial injuries. Total damage has not yet been estimated.
Steve: We all scream for ice cream.
Geoff: Dang, that’s a quite an excuse. If you want some ice cream just buy it.
GST: I knew we invited Cynthia for a reason: Her extensive knowledge of lesbian chick lit.
Steve: First gift of tongues, now this. Thanks, Julie Newmar.
Cynthia: I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that I frequently fantasize about having the brakes on my car fail just in time to bash into some cars and an ice cream store.
Steve: Good thing they had Grant Von Harrison do a dedicatory prayer on that new creamery. INCHES away = the Power of Prayer.
Cynthia: my birthday is coming up in a couple months–if anyone would like to cut the brake lines on my car for the occasion, I welcome it.
Geoff: If only she rode a bike like mr hacksaw…
Thursday morning, Oct. 5, a male student reported a disturbance near his apartment in Wymount Terrace. Police responded to the report and found the ROTC doing their morning exercises. No citation was issued.
Cynthia: now if this had been at UC Berkeley, this would have ended very differently….
Geoff: Do morning execises include scissors and tires at Wymount?
GST: Is this the Wymount edition of PBR?
Steve: EVERY pbr is about Wymount. The morning mortar and artillery exercises are nothing to whine about.
Cynthia: dunno, but what a waste that the ROTC does their exercises next to the men’s dorm
GST: “It’s the sound of freedom, buddy. Back to sleep.”
Steve: Wymount = married housing. those ROTCs were showing off for the Desperate Housewives. It’s like a Diet Coke ad out there in the AM.
Geoff: Wymount does look like military barracks. Maybe they were just lost….
Police responded to a report of a suspicious person in the Stephen L. Richards Building on Oct. 1 at 1 p.m. The suspect was not located but two documents written by the individual were recovered. The documents indicate the suspect may be homeless or a mental subject.
GST: Everybody’s a frickin’ critic.
Steve: With that, the cops threw away Keyser Soze’s treatise on the Dharma Initiative. What are the commonalities in scholarship between the homeless and mental subjects, anyways? Penmanship? Split infinitives? Or was it the feces and urine?
Cynthia: manuscript 1: 107 pages, title: “Cold in the land of Cougar: On being homeless at BYU.” Manuscript 2: Rx
Steve: Surely there is an all-night Hogi Yogi for this poor lad.
Geoff: The documents were in fact rolls of toilet paper.
Cynthia: what’s a mental “subject” anyway? Makes it sound like BYU is using him for testing.
Steve: “documents” = no working toilet in the Richard Bldg.
GST: Yeah, “mental subject” means that someone is thinking about him, I guess.
Steve: Uri Gellers of our own!
Just before the BYU football game on Oct. 6, a man tried to drive past a police barricade to get to the Universal Campus Credit Union. When an officer told the man he could not enter, the man became angry and verbally abusive. He claimed he had to make a deposit before 5 p.m. and did not want to use the alternate entrance. The man then jumped out of the car and sprinted into the bank. Moments later he returned to his vehicle and left without further argument. Police filed a report but have not pressed charges.
GST: Police dismissed him without further argument?
Don’t print that.
Steve: oh, that’s so in.
GST: Then you claim it.
Steve: he stormed off, ATM card and tree branch in tow.
GST: Stop it. I’m dying here.
Steve: robot crow cawing mercilessly
Cynthia: whatever are you boys talking about?
Geoff: The ‘verbal epithets’ include the word “Ute.” Robot crow! Ha!
Steve: Dem Duke boys just had to make their deposit before 5! Now we got em, Flash!
Cynthia: There has to be something we can do with “deposit,” people. Come on, back on task!
Steve: Stapley and I have an argument re: robot crow. I believe that is a trained crow.
Geoff: No way — animatronics all the way.
GST: You think that the owl in Clash of the Titans is real too. Because you’re an idiot.
Steve: DON’T DASH MY DREAMS!
Cynthia: lolz!! best. movie. ever.
GST: I’ll give you this: Best Harry Hamlin movie ever.
A men’s restroom in the Thomas L. Martin Building was vandalized on Oct. 6 at 3:30 p.m. Human feces was smeared all over one of the toilets. Police found the impression of fingers in the material and said the suspect smeared the excrement with his hands. The suspect was described as a heavy-set male, 24 to 25- years-old, and wearing a black t-shirt with tan cargo pants. Police have no suspects.
Cynthia: er….how do they know he was heavy-set? fat finger prints?
Geoff: Really? Who tested to see what species the feces came from?
Steve: If you’ve ever spent a lot of time the Marb, you’ll realize that smearing excrement on the walls is an effort at enhancing the place.
Cynthia: I think we know what is really responsible for this incident–the fact that BYU, to its shame, openly teaches evolution.
GST: Cynthia, it’s just good detective work: “That’s no skinny man stool.”
Steve: Documents left at the scene were inconclusive, but spoke of mental studies.
Cynthia: you teach a kid he’s descended from a monkey, and he’ll start throwing his poop.
Steve: All becomes clear…. It was Steven Peck!!
Geoff: Perhaps this human feces-throwing incident proves we evolved from apes… Crap! too slow!
Steve: get with it, newb.
Cynthia: I like that you exclaimed “crap!” very on-topic.
Between Nov. 9 and Nov. 10, a women’s restroom in building B-66 (a lab building northeast of campus) was vandalized. One of the toilet seats had been painted silver with additional paint on the floor and wall. Police have no suspects in the case.
GST: Oh, Police Beat writer, don’t you worry, I know what B-66 is.
Cynthia: RS Enrichment craft night gone horribly wrong.
Steve: Get your kicks at B-66. I guess those dang Raelians have been at work again.
GST: It’s one of the finest Quonset huts on campus. The best, after B-72.
Geoff: Nobody thought of checking the whereabouts of Jennifer “Silverbutt” Jensen?
Cynthia: for the next Enrichment, they should sew faux-fur toilet seat covers for all the bathrooms on campus — v. classy.
Steve: If you ever wanted to take a dump to “Greased Lightning” but felt something missing, a certain je-ne-sais-quoi, well, je sais quoi: a shiny silver shitter.
Cynthia: nice alliteration!
Geoff: Nothing like a shiny toilet to make a gal regular
Steve: Elder Maxwell taught me that one. Say it five times fast.
Black paint was found on the side of a Wymount Terrace apartment on Monday. Police report that the graffiti appeared to have been done by someone between the age of 8 and 10 years-old. The graffiti was in the shape of either an n or an x and it appeared an attempt had been made to clean the letter because it was smeared. Police have no suspects.
Cynthia: graffiti FAIL
Steve: Malcolm N strikes again!
Cynthia: and thus we learn that BYU police lack basic literacy.
GST: He was tagging for his gang of 8 year-olds, the N or X Indistinguishables.
Geoff: Maybe the alleged 8-10 year old painter is really a poo throwing monkey man? CASE CLOSED!
Cynthia: how embarrassing for the police officer to be outed as a child development major btw—appeared to be done by someone within a 2-year age range??
Steve: it’s an initiation ritual; from there they move up to tire-scissoring and silver toilets. How exactly did they narrow the age-group so? Was there a sign saying “Valiants 9-11 Write HERE” or something?
Cynthia: tweet tweet
Steve: well, you guys suck. Thanks for the crappiest PBR ever, Geoff.
GST: suck it, Trebek.