This one goes to eleven.
The Eleventh installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
This week: Special Guest Eric D. Snider.
A 21-year-old man visiting Heritage Halls overdosed on aspirin Tuesday night. He was not feeling well due to an upset stomach and attempted to remedy it with medication. The person with the man was too upset to explain to the police what had happened. The visitor was taken to the hospital and is reportedly doing well.
Eric: I don’t believe a word of that story.
Cynthia: good call! Wait… why do they conceal the gender of the “person with the man?”
Steve: “overdosed on aspirin” is the D.U.’s way of saying “hopped up on goofballs.”
Eric: The other person was Mary Kate Olsen.
Steve: Heath’s last visit to HH! Tragic. …Too soon?
Cynthia: er, yeah.
GST: Steve once banned me from the internet when I suggested that James Faust called Mary Kate Olson when he found the prophet dead.
Eric: There might be a Daily Universe rule against mentioning any drugs whatsoever, so the heroin it actually was, was changed to “aspirin.”
Three teenage boys are suspected of damaging a van between 7 and 9 p.m. on Feb. 15. While driving on campus, a 47-year-old man approached a vehicle stopped on the road. He said he thought the car was stalled. Without speaking to the occupants of the stopped car, he said he attempted to help the vehicle restart by pushing it from behind with his van. The adult male said three teenage boys occupying the stopped vehicle began arguing with him from inside their car. The man drove away and parked his van to watch the BYU basketball game. When he returned, both windshield wipers, the gas cap and the gas cap cover were torn off his vehicle. Sugar had been poured into the gas tank. Police suspect the three teenage boys to be guilty of vandalizing the van.
Steve: Some creepy old chump tries to start my car, you bet I am gonna go Beverly Hills Cop on his skanky van.
GST: Wasn’t BHC a banana in the tailpipe? Not sugar in the gas tank.
Steve: parallels, GST. I see the BIGGER PICTURE.
GST: Beverly Hills Cop. One of my favorite Judge Reinhold movies.
Steve: It’s up there, along with….
Eric: Due to Daily Universe rules, “attempted to help the vehicle restart” is code for “attempted to touch them.” Why would you try to help people restart their car without speaking to them? Do you just wander up and start shoving the back of their vehicle?
Steve: He was attempting to mate with the vehicle.
Eric: That’s what it sounds like.
Steve: Like Decker and V’Ger.
Eric: It sounds like what he did was rear-end their vehicle, and they repaid him by vandalizing his van.
Cynthia: what? not everyone starts cars using thrusting motions from behind?
Steve: Some people get in front.
Eric: I wish! I would drive more.
A 31-year-old man reported a panhandler under the canopy of the Wilkinson Student Center on Monday at 7:10 p.m. Police were unable to find the suspect, but discovered that the man who reported the incident had a Salt Lake City warrant out for his arrest. Police arrested the man.
Eric: YA BURNT!
Steve: BOOYAH instant karma!
GST: Still, they should have also killed the panhandler.
Eric: You know what people who complain about a panhandler at the Wilk need to do? Visit a real city, where there are 10 panhandlers on every street corner.
GST: Spoken like a true Portlander.
Steve: Panhandler’s sign: “will hump vehicles for food.”
Eric: It would be better if the warrant for his arrest was because he was wanted for murdering a panhandler.
Cynthia: I think this is a great idea for reducing the mass amounts of superfluous calls to BYU police (cf. singing cloak dude). It’s like when professors ominously tell you that they’ll accept your paper for a regrade, but your grade is just as likely to go down as up.
Steve: geeez someone is obviously a professor trying to self justify.
A 24-year-old male student was walking on Maeser Hill when a man jumped onto the trail from the hill. The man lit a cigarette and walked towards the Brick Oven. Police have no suspects.
Eric: Unlicensed Onto-Trail-From -Hill Jumping?
Steve: TRAILJUMPING STARTS WITH *YOU*
Cynthia: jumping is ok, smoking is ok, but don’t smoke’n’jump! Time to start a new advocacy organization.
GST: What nonchalance, by the way, lighting the cigarette after his trail-jumping coup.
Eric: Well, after you’ve jumped onto a trail, a lot of times you need to relax and wind down.
Steve: Actually if he was going to the Brick Oven, no wonder there are no suspects. That place is nasty (except frosty root beer).
Eric: I once dined-and-dashe d at Brick Oven. True story. I am deeply ashamed.
Steve: You were half right.
GST: You should be ashamed. But now that you’ve confessed your sin to BCC, you can move on with your life, I guess.
Eric: Yeah, that’s what my bishop told me to do.
A male student threw a glass bottle at a female student walking by the Cannon Center of Helaman Halls late Saturday night. He said he was in a bad mood that night and felt she had been rude to him as she walked by. Charges are pending.
Eric: Charges are pending against her, for being rude.
Steve: I see nothing wrong here.
Eric: If you don’t want people to throw bottles at you, don’t be rude to them.
Steve: Bottle hurling is clearly laid out in Chapter 12 from Bytheway’s classic, “Courtship: the Best Ship You’ll Ever Be On!”
GST: DU doesn’t think it noteworthy that the bottle was full of kerosene, and had a burning rag stuck in it.
Eric: Why are charges pending, by the way? Is there a massive investigation underway to determine whether a bottle was actually thrown? Is there some nuance I’m missing? It would have been worse
if he had thrown a cannon while walking past the Bottle Center. ba-ZOING!
Cynthia: actually, a friend of mine was charged with assault with a deadly weapon for throwing a paper cup at an old dude on a bike, no joke.
Steve: I’m no lawyer, but I think the “bad mood” excuse is a legal killer for any charges brought here.
Eric: That might be why you’re not a lawyer.
Cynthia: wait, steve, you ARE a lawyer.
GST: Yeah, but not a very good one.
Steve: er, that should read “I’m no good as a lawyer, but”
A 12-passenger golf cart, nicknamed by the Visitors Center as “Phantom,” was taken from the Wilkinson Student Center on November 9. After being confronted by Museum of Art security, two visiting juveniles admitted to borrowing the cart. The juveniles found the cart parked outside of the Wilkinson Student Center and popped it into neutral to see if it would move. When it started to roll, they got out of the cart and decided to see how far they could push it. From the Wilkinson Student Center, they headed north on campus towards the MOA. As they reached a slight incline near the MOA, several helpful BYU students observed them pushing the cart and thought it was broken. The students assisted the juveniles in pushing the cart up the hill.
Cynthia: what is “phantom”-like about a 12-passenger golf cart?? Nicknaming FAIL.
Eric: A 12-passenger golf cart?! That’s extravagant. That’s why the terrorists hate us.
GST: MOA security: HARD-CORE.
Cynthia: “borrowing” heheh
Eric: Can you get out of theft charges by saying you were just “borrowing” it? Does that work?
Steve: Someday they will sing tales of Phantom and the Youths of Peril.
Cynthia: I love that a bunch of BYU students became unwitting accomplices to GTA because they were too charitable. There’s some kind of life lesson in there.
Eric: Yep: “Don’t help people.”
Steve: That’s why GTA IV does not take place in Provo.
Cynthia: New Yorkers, for instance, would never have that problem. “GTA: Provo” lolz!
Eric: GTA: Provo is all minivans, and the keys are already in them.
A male who is banned from BYU was caught on campus on July 11. He allegedly keeps coming back to attend his ward.
GST: Solution: Excommunication!
Cynthia: problem solved. next!
Steve: In a bitter Alanis Morrissette twist, he was banned from BYU after losing his ecclesiastical endorsement for nonattendance of sacrament.
Eric: He keeps coming back to attend his ward, and to sell drugs.
Cynthia: also, I would like to point out that this is the second crime in a row that involves people being too righteous.
Eric: The problem is that he keeps trying to “attend his ward” in the middle of the night, in a girls’ apartment. Without pants.
Cynthia: yes, Eric, we got the picture.
Steve: The Ward is my [wang]!
GST: Attend to it.
Steve: all right, I’ll fix that to say something more tasteful, like “wang.”
Eric: No, Cynthia, you don’t: NO PANTS. That means he is trying to [do something highly objectionable to] the girls. I just want to be clear on that point: [DO SOMETHING HIGHLY OBJECTIONABLE].
GST: Some people think it’s not funny when you have to explain a joke. They might be right. Especially if the explanation is “[DO SOMETHING HIGHLY OBJECTIONABLE."
Eric: Well, if [doing something highly objectionable] isn’t funny, I don’t know what is.
On Feb. 1, a cement pumper fell over between the Talmage Building and the Jesse Knight Humanities Building. The fuel tank on the crane was crushed in the fall and toxic, flammable chemicals like hydraulic fluid and diesel fuel were released. The crane fell over because the outriggers were not fully extended and it became off-balanced when the boom swung to one side. The fire department was called in to remove the contaminated soil. No one was injured in the collapse.
GST: This is a Michael Bay movie!
Eric: There are no crimes in that paragraph! That is a waste of our time.
Cynthia: I hate it when the booms swing to one side, total buzzkill.
GST: Fortunately, there were dozens of east Utah communities begging to be the repository of the contaminated soil, in exchange for free mousepads, or some other trinket.
Eric: Falling over is not a crime. If it were, I’d be in jail every night after my third scotch.
Cynthia: also, if the outrigger is not fully extended, just forget it.
Steve: BYU Food Services needs a new cement pumper now, that’s not tragic enough?
Eric: “Cement Pumper” was my nickname at Scout camp.
Steve: Mine was “Cement.”
On Feb. 5, a 21-year-old student was walking to her parked car in lot 37, located west of the football practice field when she noticed a suspicious male. The man was sitting in his red Pontiac Grand AM indecently exposing his private area. The victim immediately reported the incident to the police. The police searched the area and arrested the 24-year-old Hispanic male. The suspect was cited into the Provo Circuit Court for ludeness and for providing false information to a police officer.
Cynthia: rudeness + lewdness = ludeness
GST: It means loaded on ‘ludes.
GST: Let’s cite all of the reasons to be suspicious of this male.
Eric: Well, he’s Hispanic, first of all.
GST: None is a bigger flag than the red Grand Am.
Steve: Hispanic 24 year old in a red Pontiac Grand AM? pfffffft.
Eric: I like how the liberal media HIDES his Hispanicness until the very end, AS IF IT’S NOT RELEVANT!
GST: It’s Grand Am, not Grand AM. Steve: “Good morning.” GST: “And a grand AM to you, sir!”
Steve: btw, “private area”?? The D.U. is so coy. Next they’ll start calling it “his special celestial zone.” Back to basics, Editors — it is called “Teh Junk.”
Eric: The “false information” he provided to the police officer was “about 8 inches.”
Eric: “Indecently exposing his private area”? You mean there’s a decent way? If he’d been politely exposing his private area, it would have been OK.
GST: Polite exposure is the only way to go. “Ma’am, would you care to inspect my genitals, which I have already exposed here for your benefit?”
Eric: “Why, yes, indeed, sir! I thank you!”
GST: “Then good day to you.”
Steve: “And a Grand AM to you!”
Also, please tell me he was draped in velvet.
Eric: The details are scarce… fill them in as you will.
GST: He has a little velvet curtain that he pulls back with a string to expose himself.
Steve: “I calls it me puppet show!”
Eric: He’s a pirate?
Steve: An hispanic pirate.
Cynthia: alright guys TMI!
GST: He keeps it behind a door marked “pirate.”
Steve: Long Juan Silver.
Eric: That’s what it is — he was indecently exposing his pirate area.
Steve: Shiver his timbers, or he’ll make ye walk yon plancha.
Feb. 4, at 1:06 p.m. in 3249 WSC, a palm pilot, wallet and cell phone were stolen. Police are still trying to contact the victim who reported the incident in hopes of receiving further information.
Eric: Wait… what?
Steve: Unfortunately it is now IMPOSSIBLE to find the victim!
Cynthia: so, the one who reported the theft was the thief? 3rd time with these too-righteous BYU students!
Steve: The victim contacted them via telepathic visions and dreams to the Chief.
GST: It’s spelled “Cheif.” I before E, except after C, disregard interposed H. (Ardis taught me this.)
Eric: Still trying to contact the victim… Gee, if only we had something that would tell us the victim’s name, address, and a list of all his appointments…
GST: Wait. I’m confused.
Cynthia: you’re not the only one. Apparently I can’t even read, because it says “victim who reported the incident.”
Eric: Apparently someone went to the police, said, “Someone stole my palm pilot, wallet, and cell phone,” then ran away before the police could get any further information.
Cynthia: good thing we have guests on the show who are actually literate.
Eric: Maybe it’s a game to see how good the detectives are.
Steve: It’s an amazingly confusing one.
GST: No, it went down like this: The items were stolen in his presence. As the thief was taking them, the victim cried out, “Look, seeing as I don’t have a phone any more, would you do me a solid and
Cynthia: yes, as the victim fled the police station he left a trail of breadcrumbs and/or a slipper and/or shoeprints in the mud using rare Italian shoe.
GST: An ugly-ass Italian shoe.
Steve: A Renaissance style heeled slipper.
GST: With crossed nails in the heel, like Huck Finn’s dad.
Cynthia: Bruno Maglis.
Eric: Actually, given the DU’s usual standards, it’s entirely possible that every detail of the story is wrong.
GST: Eric, this is the institution that nurtured you in your crib. And you piss all over it.
Eric: Bah, I pissed all over it then, too. It’s part of my rakish charm.
Two individuals broke through barbed wire and illegally gained access to the roof of S Hall of Deseret Towers Wednesday around midnight. The suspects had been asked to the preference dance and were accepting the invitation. One individual rapelled down the side of the building when they slipped and crashed through a window on the 7th floor. The suspect was taken to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center and was treated for lacerations on the arm. Both individuals were cited for trespassing and were held responsible for all damages. Damage to the window is estimated to be $150.
Eric: This is the last one? I’m hoping to be able to make another [SOMETHING VERY OBJECTIONABLE] joke.
Cynthia: Deseret Towers has barbed wire?? dude.
Steve: HAD, SB2. They razed it like an old tannery.
Eric: On the roof it does, to prevent idiots from killing themselves.
GST: Yeah. Behind the barbed wire is Harry Dean Stanton, yelling “AVENGE ME!”
Cynthia: is that to prevent the cattle that graze on the roof from wandering?
Eric: “Will you go with me to Preference? Please respond by committing at least one felony.”
Steve: I’ve been to Preference, and I can tell you that it is worth all that risk, lacerations, trespassing charges, damages, and more, all to drive an hour to SLC for a depressing evening at the end of which there shall be no makeout.
GST: To wit.
Cynthia: maybe this kid was the one whose phone was stolen earlier.
Eric: I like how the article goes out of its way not to tell you the genders of the people involved, even though it’s obviously guys.
Cynthia: “sorry babe, couldn’t call, had to go all McGyver”
Steve: I remember the S-Hall babes. You probably needed the barbed wire to keep them in.
GST: Chained heat, man.
Eric: Broke through barbed wire on a roof to rapell down the side of the building and crash through glass? Yeah, that’s totally a chick thing to do.
Steve: Yes. Each one was a Barbarella in modest clothing.
Eric: I wonder at what point the guys thought that maybe what they were doing wasn’t such a good idea after all. I’m guessing it was days later.
Cynthia: it all depends on whether or not they got the dates, and if there was makeout after.
Steve: Actually, it doesn’t. Nothing to do after that failure but for each of the rapellers to return to their Grand AMs and pull back the curtain.
GST: And … DONE.