Aged 1 month. With my Anglican relatives in attendance, I am blessed at church. Years of my parents claiming that they had not joined an American sect were undone when someone decided the congregation would sing America the Beautiful.
Aged 6 years. My first Primary talk on immorality and eternal life. The older kids laugh. I do not know why.
Aged 7 years. I tell my Gentile neighbour that he is going to hell because he doesn’t go to church. His parents tell my parents that unless I stop Bible-bashing, we can’t be friends.
Aged 8 years. My post-baptism state of blissful sinlessness is shattered exactly one hour after my baptism when I punch a friend on the arm.
Aged 9 years. For a school project, I write that I will one day be buried with the “Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants and Pearl of Great Price and will rule over worlds as a priest after the order of Melchizedek.” My teacher consults the manual on how to deal with children who belong to cults.
Aged 14 years. I put Sprite in the sacrament cups. Not all of them, mind you.
Aged 16 years. I read the Miracle of Forgiveness and realise that it will indeed be a miracle to ever get forgiveness for all the horrors I have committed. Still, I keep committing them.
Aged 16 1/2 years. I begin dating a nice Mormon girl. I spend a year wishing I was 21 and married.
Aged 19 years. I enter the MTC and serve a mission in Austria. My family and the church spend $50,000 for each of my baptisms.
Aged 21 years. I extol the virtues of my missionary service in a job interview. I don’t get the job.
Aged 22 years. I am heckled during a sacrament talk for using the word “Mormons” rather than “members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”
Aged 22 years. I become Teh Presiderer. Presidering FAIL.
Aged 24 years. I am asked to teach Institute in Oxford and move the class from the chapel to one of the colleges. The Town students accuse me of Gown elitism and boycott the class.
Aged 28 years. I begin Mormon blogging and share my posts with friends and family. Utter silence.
Aged 30 years. I start pinching my baby daughter during Sunday School so I can take her into the corridor.
Aged 32 years. I organise an elders quorum party at a local Indian restaurant. No-one shows.
Aged 33 years. Still no high priests quorum meetings for me.