A partial list of my Mormon triumphs, annotated.

Aged 7 years. I proudly tell my friends that my church has a kitchen and basketball hoops. Used to austere CofE churches, my friends think that my church sounds cool.

Aged 9 years. I give my first sacrament talk. The topic is Elijah and the priests of Baal. I greatly ham-up Elijah’s mockery of the Baalites. The congregation loves it. I never fear public speaking again.

Aged 12 years. At a party at a friend’s house, beer is served. I do not partake and feel very proud of myself. My friends say, “Respeck, man!”

Aged 15 years. I come to the conclusion that Mormon girls are prettier than those at school. I put this down to Word of Wisdom-enhanced Mormon genes. By their fruits shall ye know them. I like church.

Aged 16 years. I bear testimony at youth conference and cry.

Aged 16 1/2 years. I give a talk at Stake Conference. A visiting GA asks for a copy and it is published in the New Era.

Aged 17 years. A softball is thrown at me, begging to be hit out of the park. I decline to swing.

Aged 19 years. I make AP after 9 months in the mission field. Mission rules state classical or MoTab only; missionaries listen to Pearl Jam. I engineer a compromise: missionaries begin listening to Enya.

Aged 21 years. I meet Rebecca at a CES fireside. We marry 10 months later and have our first child 10 months after that. The system works.

Aged 22 years. Rampant Nibleyism leads to the study of antiquarian things at university. I get funding from FARMS and am the envy of Mormon Nibley-ites all over the UK.

Aged 30 years. I help organise EMSA with a couple of other European mates. Within a year we hold a conference. Proper scholars show up.

Aged 32 years. By dint of second-rate blogging at the BCC, I get to know many of the Great and Good in Mormon Studies. One day they’ll find me out. For now, I am happy.

Comments

  1. Larry the cable guy says:

    Age 17: Bat remains on shoulder.

    Age 21: Swings for fences. Connects.

  2. Kevin Barney says:

    Ronan, you are indeed one Mormon stud. I bow in your general direction.

    But you forgot to list your greatest triumph–getting me to sign on to BCC! What were you thinking?

  3. StillConfused says:

    Why didn’t you swing? Or is that a metaphor???

  4. First base, second base, third base, home…kissing, groping, etc., etc. Clearly a sex metaphor. Good one at that with the softball bit–wait, or is that some sort of homosexual metaphor? Now i am confused.

  5. I get to know many of the Great and Good in Mormon Studies. One day they’ll find me out.

    I was just talking to another person in a similar situation, who expressed similar sentiment. “I don’t feel like a scholar, I’m just playing along until I’m found out!”

    Funny how many of us feel that way.

  6. I make AP after 9 months in the mission field.

    Just out of my slacker-missionary instinct, I have to say it: What a tool!

  7. Kev,
    I have sired many a BCC blogger.

  8. Norb,
    Looking back, I’m convinced it was an Affirmative Action hire.

  9. Ronan,

    I like the baseball analogy. AP at 9 mos? I think you need to confess some MP brownnose my friend.

    Did your mission have a rule where one AP was european and one was American? We had a one US one African rule.

  10. Softball…

  11. Julie M. Smith says:
  12. The editorial/correlation process at the New Era takes several years.

  13. I’m convinced it was an Affirmative Action hire.

    I’d put my money on a lack of alternatives. 8)

  14. Enya as a compromise. Like all good compromises, no one is completely happy over this one.

  15. Steve Evans says:

    Next thing you know Ronan will take credit for bringing Kristine and me aboard.

    Kudos on achieving AP-ness.

  16. It appears Pearl Jam abuse was systemic on the continent those years.

  17. Mark Brown says:

    Aged 17 years. A softball is thrown at me, begging to be hit out of the park. I decline to swing.

    Aged 19 years. I make AP after 9 months in the mission field. Mission rules state classical or MoTab only; missionaries listen to Pearl Jam. I engineer a compromise: missionaries begin listening to Enya.

    Those should both be on the FAIL list. Enya?????

  18. Aged 12 years. At a party at a friend’s house, beer is served. I do not partake and feel very proud of myself. My friends say, “Respeck, man!”

    Your friends sound like Ali G.

  19. Did your mission have a rule where one AP was european and one was American? We had a one US one African rule.

    So did we. Which, now that I think of it, was pretty odd, considering that we were in South America.

  20. Bro. Jones says:

    Aged 17: I’m not sure whether to consider my two-base hit with the LDS girl who got me interested in the Church a failure or a success.

  21. Dude, I hate to tell you this, but the New Era staff edited all the “u”s out of the word “Saviour” in all instances when they published you talk. I’m assuming they were there when your spoke.

    No class, New Era.

  22. It’s good to know that Ronan and I are of the same vintage.

    I think giving up Pearl Jam may have been harder than giving up girls.

    Well .. not really.

  23. Missionaries are promoted to AP so that they can’t do damage elsewhere in the field… ;)

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 8,800 other followers