I feel that I should answer your post. There are , perhaps, several reasons why I ought not, but I feel I should, anyway.

Firstly and mostly, I want to let you know my perspective on your problem. Please know that I DO NOT mean to minimize your suffering, or the reality of your spiritual condition. I have committed and seen sins so much worse than what you are describing,- so so so much worse,- and yet the Lord has been merciful to me and many many others, and will be merciful to you and certainly does not condemn you. You are certainly not pathetic, or any of those other adjectives you use. We live in these fleshy bodies and are all of us to some greater or lesser degree subject to what you describe of yourself. It may manifest in slightly different forms, or come with a somewhat different set of feelings for someone else -but almost all of us, men and women, will face some form of the struggle you are having.

You must be a very good and sensitive person to suffer so much for it. I am absolutely certain that the Lord loves you, empathizes with your situation, understands your disappointments and pain, is not shocked or surprised by you, and wants to help you. I want to tell you with total confidence, knowing what I know from my own experience and watching others, that you can go to Him even with this sin again and again and again. You must never feel that you cannot go to Him. The point for Him will be that you are trying. Let Him in, and don’t be fooled into thinking that what you do puts you beyond His reach. We do not have to be perfect to receive His Spirit. We are cleansed by the Spirit but, think of this, _how could we be cleansed by the Spirit if we had to already be perfectly clean before receiving the Spirit._ It’s like saying I can’t touch soap until my body is clean. :) The desire and the striving is all. Every day turn to God, plead with Him, let His light in, and slowly this will become a strength to you – even if you never defeat it 100% in this life, you will begin to feel it is strength to you – never give up. Remember Paul’s thorn in the flesh – he says that it kept him humble even though he received many revelations. Think of that, he received many revelations even though his thorn in the flesh never went entirely away. Perhaps we might think, well, Paul’s thorn must not have been so egregious as mine. But we don’t know what it was, only that he had it, it caused him disappointment, and that he never gave up or let it stop him from going boldly before the Throne of Grace.

I am personally finally finally beginning to understand what it means to be a chaste person. My own thoughts and sins sometimes cause me pain. Yet, I am nowhere near the man I was just a few short years ago. This is not primarily a matter of my own effort, but has happened through the influence of the Spirit as I have genuinely tried.

I have prayed to our Father in the name of our Savior (isn’t that a wonderful word, Savior?!) for healing in your heart and in your family. I wish the very very best to you and all of us you likewise struggle. ~

I think too many of us confuse self-annihilation with self-sacrifice–especially those who are dealing with an inordinate amount of shame. We need to remember that God’s purpose isn’t to snuff out of existence the very beings that he loves so dearly–to change us into something that would make us not our selves anymore. Imagine crossing into the next world only to find that your loved ones have been fundamentally changed into something different than they were before–different than the people who you learned to love with your whole soul. I can’t imagine a worse hell than that. For that reason, I find great hope in the doctrines revealed through Joseph Smith–how they temper those Biblical doctrines that we otherwise would mystify into meaningless metaphysical concepts.

This resonates with so many of us for good reason. I can’t tell you how many golden phrases are here; it’s obvious that the same spirit that’s spoken to my heart has been speaking to yours.

I remember a very spiritual man who I greatly admired declaring “Why, when I know what I know, do I do the things that I do?” It floored me because I thought I was the only one who felt compartmentalized in his church membership — born again of the spirit on the one hand, and still watching Satan play me like a fiddle on occasion. I’m going to read this yet again and pull out some of my favorite phrases.

When it talks about the Nephites preaching nothing but faith and repentance and the confessing of sins, it’s for reasons like these that you describe. We all need to realize that others are going through the same drama that we are and that this is the essence of Christian struggle, or at least that of the true Christian. We all need to know we’re not alone. I think you’ve hit the perfect tone here — the actual sins are none of our business, but the openness with the struggle benefits all of us.

And you’re right — when it comes down to it, “cutting off your hand” and “taking on one’s cross” are not extreme metaphors. It really comes down to voluntary and complete surrender to the Lord, and unfortunately it can take a lifetime figuring out how to do that.

Mary AA–wow, talk about honesty! I’m grateful you felt strong enough to share your thoughts with us. I knew this post might well touch on some pretty raw feelings, but I hadn’t imagine a response like yours. Thank you for it.

The New Testament emphasizes the idea of losing yourself, of serving God and feeling His love through forgetting oneself and serving one’s fellow man. In my experience (which I have had too much of, unfortunately) this scriptural call is one that struggling addicts can (sometimes knowingly, sometimes not) abuse, as can their co-dependents; both can end up embracing the idea that the sins or needs or deficiencies in question must be constantly attended to, that everyone else has an obligation to put life on hold and make exceptions for the person in need of help. Of course, all us addicts–all us sinners, which includes every person reading this comment, not to mention every person on this planet–do need help. But a “help” which makes someone feel that their first obligation is to put their own relationship with the Savior on hold, and spend their time “cataloging/covering up for/taking the blame for/internalizing/shielding/blaming/hiding/down-playing” (great list, by the way!)…well, that’s not truly losing yourself in the service of another person; that’s having allowed another person to so completely define and inhabit you that his selfish (whether he realizes it or not) interests become your selfish interests. At its extreme, co-dependency becomes a perverse and sad sort of self-love (“I need him to love himself so I can love myself again!”). Obviously, that isn’t at all what the Lord wants for us–for any of us.

Sorry to have gone on at length; this is just something that I have strong feelings about, having been, perhaps, a perpetrator of it myself. God bless you, Mary AA, in whatever decisions you’re inspired to make. You’ll be in my prayers.

I’ve recently indulged in a guilty pleasure and watched the first couple of seasons of Dexter. The title character wrestles with an addiction he calls his “Dark Passenger”. I’ve been enthralled by his ongoing monologue debating the morality of his decisions, examining the value of the guiding principles that serve as his received wisdom, acknowledging the contradictions inherent in the way he decides to live.

I hope you don’t mind being compared to Dexter. I mean it as a very high compliment. It’s hard to discuss these ideas, but I’m strengthened because you’ve made such a strong effort.

Thank you.