The Fourteenth installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
This week: repeat guest Ken Jennings is caught lollygagging.
Steve: I believe you are all familiar with our little game.
Three four players. One police blotter.
GST: Two men enter, one man leaves.
Ken: NO RULES!
Steve: Dibs on being Master. Ken, you’re Blaster. WHO RUN BORDERTOWN?!?
GST: Bartertown, dumbass.
Cynthia: moving on…
A student at Deseret Towers has been informed by University Police that he has to check in and out his firearms on campus.
GST: Check them out from the HBLL?
Steve: Check out them firearms.
Ken: Deseret Towers: firearms check in, but they don’t check out!
Cynthia: does that place that rents tents and backpacking stuff rent guns? Because that would be soooooooo Utah.
Steve: I like how it’s just informational. Y’know, FYI, check that RPG in at the front desk.
GST: I’d like to check out this Judy Blume book, an arquebus, and an M1 Garand, please.
Ken: If you do not own a gun at freshman orientation, one will be provided to you by your RA.
Steve: No biggie, just maybe, if you get the time, report your Ragnarok arsenal.
Ken: It does sound awfully casual. “Informed.”
GST: He was told to check his “shootin’ irons.”
Steve: BYU Police also serves as Guidance Counselor.
Ken: Like every time a BYU cop makes an offhand comment about lethal weaponry, it might make Police Beat.
Cynthia: there was one security guard (not even campus police) at my dorm who always wore a bulletproof vest — we mocked him.
Steve: Mogadishu Tech will be that way. Accredited schools, however, are less violent Cynthia.
Ken: Reed Benson always wore a bulletproof vest in my Book of Mormon classes, but I think that was because of the Red Menace.
A 25-year-old male was stopped for a red light violation Jan. 17 by the stoplight near the Wilkinson Student Center. He had an outstanding warrant from Provo and was issued a citation for the traffic violation and released.
Steve: Now, I’m no expert on criminal procedure…..
Ken: It’s just like Bonnie and Clyde. Once you cross the state line between campus and Provo, those townie cops are powerless.
GST: Your honor, I’ve seen a lot of warrants in my day, but yours is OUTSTANDING!
Cynthia: 2 weeks later: “A 25-year-old male was stopped for a red light violation by the stoplight near the Wilkinson Student Center. He had an outstanding warrant from Provo, and BYU, and was issued a citation for the traffic violation and released.” &etc.
Ken: There’s an angry Provo police posse standing across 700 North shaking their firsts as the scofflaw goes free.
GST: Like Roscoe P. Coltrane.
Cynthia: what there really needs to be, is a big dry creekbed bordering campus
Steve: Dem Duke boys, jumpin’ the General Lee by Apollo Burger!
Cynthia: so cars can fly over it as they cross out of the jurisdiction
Steve: flying cars = Back to the Future II, Cynthia. just FYI.
GST: And Blade Runner.
Cynthia: and 5th element
GST: And Jetsons.
Steve: Ken, mr. trivia, cannot name another.
Ken: I actually own my own flying car, but didn’t think it seemly to brag.
GST: Ken actually knows Biff Tannen personally.
Blue substance was found over a 22-year-old male’s car Jan. 9 and scratches in the rear corner.
GST: Sometimes, when I’m puzzled by a blue substance, I scratch my rear corner.
Ken: What are the scratches in the corner of? I’m lost.
Cynthia: where’s that dude who tastes these things, and puts them in the microwave? Did they shut down the CSI unit of BYU police?
Steve: don’t need to dust for Smurf. It has an unmistakable smell.
GST: Powdered Smurf… smells like… victory.
Steve: Azrael goes coocoo for it
Ken: The substance was “over” the car. It’s not like he has squished Hefty Smurf under his rear tires.
Cynthia: so is that show really antisemitic, or is that just one of those wacky internet rumors?
[that is an aside btw]
Steve: [oh really?]
GST: Dunno. It’s clearly Belgian–that’s bad enough.
Ken: Gargamel is Jewish? Or the Smurfs are?
GST: I was suspected that at least Brainy was of Ashkenazi descent.
Ken: Gargamel does sort of have a Fagin nose, but if I remember episode #9B04 correctly, he isn’t circumcised.
GST: You’re thinking of Jack Tripper.
Steve: Smurfs aren’t kosher, but they do have a golem, in the form of Clockwork Smurf
Ken: Actually Smurfette was a golem, right? Gargamel made her from clay, put the Jewish letter for “hot” on her forehead?
Steve: yes, gargamel made smurfette to tempt and try the rest of them.
GST: Clockwork Smurf–he was the one that was interested in street fighting, Beethoven, the old in-out, etc?
Steve: The very same!
GST: One of Papa Smurf’s droogs.
Ken: Which little mushroom had the milk-bar in it?
Cynthia: I thought I watched this show when I was little….
Ken: I don’t watch R-rated movies, but ’70s-era X movies are a loophole.
Steve: I sense that we are getting a bit astray from police matters. Then again, this is the BYU police.
A 23-year-old male student was issued a misdemeanor citation for retail theft after he stole a PowerAde from the Twilight Zone.
Cynthia: wait, what?
GST: Imagine, if you will… (in Rod Serling voice)
Ken: [Rod Serling voice]Presented for you approval: Nephi Hansen, junior. He’s about to shoplift a sports drink from…The Twilight Zone.[/Serling] Typed it too late.
Steve: Lex Luthor was issued a citation for retail theft after he stole a Power Ring from the Phantom Zone. Similar? You decide.
Cynthia: so when you unwrap the bandages off the powerade, is it like regular lemonade inside? or when you translate the words on the side of the can, is it a recipe?? (there’s got to be some kind of joke in here)
Steve: apparently not.
Ken: Is The Twilight Zone some hot campus spot that I never heard of? What is The Twilight Zone?
Steve: TZ = convenience store on the side of the bookstore.
Ken: Besides a fifth dimension, of light and shadow, beyond that which is known to man… Oh yeah, that Twilight Zone.
GST: Ken, this feature is about BYU. You remember, the church school in Utah?
Ken: Is that the one with the Touchdown Jesus, or is that Notre Dame?
GST: Yes, that’s the one.
Ken: We used to call it the T-Zone, because we had very greasy skin.
An 18-year-old male student was walking pass Q Hall in Deseret Towers March 28 when a bottle of liquid hit the ground near him and exploded. He smelled it and believed it to be urine. He told officers where he thought the bottle could have been thrown and the officers investigated but the suspects denied throwing the bottle.
GST: This is what Molotov would have thrown had he forgotten his Zippo.
Ken: Officer should have made them all pee. The one who can’t is the criminal! Or has prostate trouble.
Steve: Or is a girl.
GST: Yeah, I can’t think of any other reason it might be difficult for someone to urinate on demand in front of a cop.
Ken: Ah, urinating on demand in front of cops. Good mission memories.
Cynthia: steve, girls have pee!
GST: Wait, let me write that down.
Steve: ok, let’s see you pee in a bottle. Seriously.
Ken: This PBR has taken an unsavory turn.
GST: Wholly unlike the completely wholesome work we had accumulated to this point.
Steve: we’re talking coke bottle, not some funnel or something. You can’t even write your name in the snow!
Ken: I’m not sure I believe the victim. If someone throws liquid on you from a high window, is your first though to smell it?
Steve: I think this is the CSI sniffer dude, in embryo.
Cynthia: so again with the believing the denials? maybe I should have gone to BYU after all!
GST: No, Ken, my first thought is to call in mortar fire.
Ken: Officers investigated the suspects, but they all pinkie-swore they had nothing to do with it.
A 24-year-old male student was working on his vehicle March 25 in Wyview Park changing the tires when the tire jack came out having the vehicle smash his foot. He called for help and was able to get the vehicle off his foot.
Cynthia: suspect: large green man with ripped clothes.
Ken: Dr. David Bruce Banner…studying the hidden secrets that DAMMIT! SCOOPED AGAIN! I type too slow. But why is this even in Police Beat? “The offending car had an outstanding warrant for a smashed Provo foot, but officers let it go with a warning.”
GST: Yeah, I don’t see at what point the police get called in this story.
Cynthia: imagine the conversation with his parents that night if they had been heretofore too cheap to get him a cell phone
Ken: “Don’t you get it, officer? My foot really hurts!”
Cynthia: I was stuck there for hours!! the humanity!!
Steve: the smashed foot left a curious blue substance all over the scratched corner.
Ken: A blue substance of curious workmanship.
Steve: It is dark in Wymount. You might be eaten by a grue. oh, I guess that would be a blue substance of Elvish antiquity.
Cynthia: did the police even respond? it sounds like he got his own foot unstuck. Now that’s kind of impressive…or maybe a little toddler in a red cape lifted the car for him
Ken: Your substance is glowing blue. There may be a troll nearby.
GST: Call me when he gnaws it off.
Steve: This PBR sounds like a humanoid test for the Tyrell Corporation.
Cynthia: oh dear, do I even want to know what you all are talking about?
Ken: Cynthia is a replicant!!!
GST: Do you know what a turtle is?
Steve: a tortoise? Same thing.
The BYU Grounds department accidentally set a big metal garbage container on top of a kids BMX bicycle, crushing the bike. No one was injured.
Ken: Get that tire jack dude to lift it off, quick!
Steve: Identify the lying adverb in this report.
Cynthia: no one was injured except that little Billy’s Christmas was RUINED!!!
Steve: Let’s face it, that must’ve been totally awesome to see.
Ken: BYU Groundskeeper Willie had been teased one too many times by the little slingshot-wielding imp.
[ Ken: I’m laughing already!]
A neighbor heard yelling and shouting from a husband and wife March 17 in Wymount Terrace and called the police. The police came and found it was only a verbal argument and advised them to seek counseling.
Steve: PHEW, thank goodness. Thanks, cops! Good thing it wasn’t a nonverbal argument. Pictionary scuffles are hard on the children.
Ken: “I been tryin to get some sleep, but these Wymount walls are cheap…”
Cynthia: I hope a little tune played and a star crossied the screen behind the police officer as he gave them his little trite piece of advice
Ken: The more you know…
GST: Or is that One to Grow On?
Cynthia: GST, are you questioning ken’s trivia?
Ken: Actually, I’M NOT SURE ANYMORE!
GST: I tried that once. It didn’t work out.
Steve: it’s TMYK, ignoramuses
Ken: I bet the police warning here was like, “You two should, like, seek counseling or something. I’m outie.”
We conclude with a tip of the week.
BYU Police Captain’s tip of the week: The more money you spend on your bike, the more money you should spend on your lock!
Ken: Coincidentally, BYU Police Captain has just enrolled in a bike lock MLM. He’s having a bike lock party at his house next weekend. Bring a friend and your checkbook!
Cynthia: I think that also applies to engagement rings….
GST: Why not some actually helpful advice: Remember, when you’re being stomped to death in the next Mormon pogrom, cover your head and groin!
Ken: The more you spend on your engagment ring, the more you should spend on a bike lock?
Steve: 3 month’s salary should go to either of the Kryptonite or Guard Dog companies.
Ken: If you spend more on a bike lock, BYU Grounds will just spend more on heavier metal containers.
Steve: I still think fondly of that guy with his homemade bike lock. Or was it a homemade bike?
Cynthia: homemade bike.
GST: What about the dude with the Liahona bike? What kind of lock should he have used?
Ken: The way I heard it, the more you spend on your wedding reception, the more you should spend on the honeymoon handcuffs.
Steve: I call my honeymoon handcuffs “son” and “daughter.”
Ken: You were supposed to leve them with a sitter!
Steve: no, they’re actual handcuffs, I just named them.
Cynthia: I have a v. nice photo of a couple posing in handcuffs in front of the temple. Stay classy!
Steve: nobody finds any charm in honeymoon zip tie restraints.
Ken: Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead. (Zooms off on homemade motorcycle.)
Steve: done. Good job, all.
Ken: So wait, the Smurfs are the Jews?