Police Beat Roundtable #14

The Fourteenth installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

This week: repeat guest Ken Jennings is caught lollygagging.

Steve: I believe you are all familiar with our little game. Three four players. One police blotter.

GST: Two men enter, one man leaves.

Ken: NO RULES!

Steve: Dibs on being Master. Ken, you’re Blaster. WHO RUN BORDERTOWN?!?

GST: Bartertown, dumbass.

Cynthia: moving on…


INFORMATION REPORT

A student at Deseret Towers has been informed by University Police that he has to check in and out his firearms on campus.

GST: Check them out from the HBLL?

Steve: Check out them firearms.

Ken: Deseret Towers: firearms check in, but they don’t check out!

Cynthia: does that place that rents tents and backpacking stuff rent guns? Because that would be soooooooo Utah.

Steve: I like how it’s just informational. Y’know, FYI, check that RPG in at the front desk.

GST: I’d like to check out this Judy Blume book, an arquebus, and an M1 Garand, please.

Ken: If you do not own a gun at freshman orientation, one will be provided to you by your RA.

Steve: No biggie, just maybe, if you get the time, report your Ragnarok arsenal.

Ken: It does sound awfully casual. “Informed.”

GST: He was told to check his “shootin’ irons.”

Steve: BYU Police also serves as Guidance Counselor.

Ken: Like every time a BYU cop makes an offhand comment about lethal weaponry, it might make Police Beat.

Cynthia: there was one security guard (not even campus police) at my dorm who always wore a bulletproof vest — we mocked him.

Steve: Mogadishu Tech will be that way. Accredited schools, however, are less violent Cynthia.

Ken: Reed Benson always wore a bulletproof vest in my Book of Mormon classes, but I think that was because of the Red Menace.


WANTED PERSON

A 25-year-old male was stopped for a red light violation Jan. 17 by the stoplight near the Wilkinson Student Center. He had an outstanding warrant from Provo and was issued a citation for the traffic violation and released.

Steve: Now, I’m no expert on criminal procedure…..

Ken: It’s just like Bonnie and Clyde. Once you cross the state line between campus and Provo, those townie cops are powerless.

GST: Your honor, I’ve seen a lot of warrants in my day, but yours is OUTSTANDING!

Cynthia: 2 weeks later: “A 25-year-old male was stopped for a red light violation by the stoplight near the Wilkinson Student Center. He had an outstanding warrant from Provo, and BYU, and was issued a citation for the traffic violation and released.” &etc.

Ken: There’s an angry Provo police posse standing across 700 North shaking their firsts as the scofflaw goes free.

GST: Like Roscoe P. Coltrane.

Cynthia: what there really needs to be, is a big dry creekbed bordering campus

Steve: Dem Duke boys, jumpin’ the General Lee by Apollo Burger!

Cynthia: so cars can fly over it as they cross out of the jurisdiction

Steve: flying cars = Back to the Future II, Cynthia. just FYI.

GST: And Blade Runner.

Cynthia: and 5th element

GST: And Jetsons.

Steve: Ken, mr. trivia, cannot name another.

Ken: I actually own my own flying car, but didn’t think it seemly to brag.

GST: Ken actually knows Biff Tannen personally.


CRIMINAL MISCHIEF

Blue substance was found over a 22-year-old male’s car Jan. 9 and scratches in the rear corner.

Steve: ——SMURFICIDE!

GST: Sometimes, when I’m puzzled by a blue substance, I scratch my rear corner.

Ken: What are the scratches in the corner of? I’m lost.

Cynthia: where’s that dude who tastes these things, and puts them in the microwave? Did they shut down the CSI unit of BYU police?

Steve: don’t need to dust for Smurf. It has an unmistakable smell.

GST: Powdered Smurf… smells like… victory.

Steve: Azrael goes coocoo for it

Ken: The substance was “over” the car. It’s not like he has squished Hefty Smurf under his rear tires.

Cynthia: so is that show really antisemitic, or is that just one of those wacky internet rumors?

[that is an aside btw]

Steve: [oh really?]

GST: Dunno. It’s clearly Belgian–that’s bad enough.

Ken: Gargamel is Jewish? Or the Smurfs are?

GST: I was suspected that at least Brainy was of Ashkenazi descent.

Ken: Gargamel does sort of have a Fagin nose, but if I remember episode #9B04 correctly, he isn’t circumcised.

GST: You’re thinking of Jack Tripper.

Steve: Smurfs aren’t kosher, but they do have a golem, in the form of Clockwork Smurf

Ken: Actually Smurfette was a golem, right? Gargamel made her from clay, put the Jewish letter for “hot” on her forehead?

Steve: yes, gargamel made smurfette to tempt and try the rest of them.

GST: Clockwork Smurf–he was the one that was interested in street fighting, Beethoven, the old in-out, etc?

Steve: The very same!

GST: One of Papa Smurf’s droogs.

Ken: Which little mushroom had the milk-bar in it?

Cynthia: I thought I watched this show when I was little….

Ken: I don’t watch R-rated movies, but ’70s-era X movies are a loophole.

Steve: I sense that we are getting a bit astray from police matters. Then again, this is the BYU police.


THEFT

A 23-year-old male student was issued a misdemeanor citation for retail theft after he stole a PowerAde from the Twilight Zone.

Cynthia: wait, what?

GST: Imagine, if you will… (in Rod Serling voice)

Ken: [Rod Serling voice]Presented for you approval: Nephi Hansen, junior. He’s about to shoplift a sports drink from…The Twilight Zone.[/Serling] Typed it too late.

Steve: Lex Luthor was issued a citation for retail theft after he stole a Power Ring from the Phantom Zone. Similar? You decide.

Cynthia: so when you unwrap the bandages off the powerade, is it like regular lemonade inside? or when you translate the words on the side of the can, is it a recipe?? (there’s got to be some kind of joke in here)

Steve: apparently not.

Ken: Is The Twilight Zone some hot campus spot that I never heard of? What is The Twilight Zone?

Steve: TZ = convenience store on the side of the bookstore.

Ken: Besides a fifth dimension, of light and shadow, beyond that which is known to man… Oh yeah, that Twilight Zone.

GST: Ken, this feature is about BYU. You remember, the church school in Utah?

Ken: Is that the one with the Touchdown Jesus, or is that Notre Dame?

GST: Yes, that’s the one.

Ken: We used to call it the T-Zone, because we had very greasy skin.

An 18-year-old male student was walking pass Q Hall in Deseret Towers March 28 when a bottle of liquid hit the ground near him and exploded. He smelled it and believed it to be urine. He told officers where he thought the bottle could have been thrown and the officers investigated but the suspects denied throwing the bottle.

GST: This is what Molotov would have thrown had he forgotten his Zippo.

Ken: Officer should have made them all pee. The one who can’t is the criminal! Or has prostate trouble.

Steve: Or is a girl.

GST: Yeah, I can’t think of any other reason it might be difficult for someone to urinate on demand in front of a cop.

Ken: Ah, urinating on demand in front of cops. Good mission memories.

Cynthia: steve, girls have pee!

GST: Wait, let me write that down.

Steve: ok, let’s see you pee in a bottle. Seriously.

Ken: This PBR has taken an unsavory turn.

GST: Wholly unlike the completely wholesome work we had accumulated to this point.

Steve: we’re talking coke bottle, not some funnel or something. You can’t even write your name in the snow!

Ken: I’m not sure I believe the victim. If someone throws liquid on you from a high window, is your first though to smell it?

Steve: I think this is the CSI sniffer dude, in embryo.

Cynthia: so again with the believing the denials? maybe I should have gone to BYU after all!

GST: No, Ken, my first thought is to call in mortar fire.

Ken: Officers investigated the suspects, but they all pinkie-swore they had nothing to do with it.

FOOT SMASHED

A 24-year-old male student was working on his vehicle March 25 in Wyview Park changing the tires when the tire jack came out having the vehicle smash his foot. He called for help and was able to get the vehicle off his foot.

Cynthia: suspect: large green man with ripped clothes.

Ken: Dr. David Bruce Banner…studying the hidden secrets that DAMMIT! SCOOPED AGAIN! I type too slow. But why is this even in Police Beat? “The offending car had an outstanding warrant for a smashed Provo foot, but officers let it go with a warning.”

GST: Yeah, I don’t see at what point the police get called in this story.

Cynthia: imagine the conversation with his parents that night if they had been heretofore too cheap to get him a cell phone

Ken: “Don’t you get it, officer? My foot really hurts!”

Cynthia: I was stuck there for hours!! the humanity!!

Steve: the smashed foot left a curious blue substance all over the scratched corner.

Ken: A blue substance of curious workmanship.

Steve: It is dark in Wymount. You might be eaten by a grue. oh, I guess that would be a blue substance of Elvish antiquity.

Cynthia: did the police even respond? it sounds like he got his own foot unstuck. Now that’s kind of impressive…or maybe a little toddler in a red cape lifted the car for him

Ken: Your substance is glowing blue. There may be a troll nearby.

GST: Call me when he gnaws it off.

Steve: This PBR sounds like a humanoid test for the Tyrell Corporation.

Cynthia: oh dear, do I even want to know what you all are talking about?

Ken: Cynthia is a replicant!!!

GST: Do you know what a turtle is?

Steve: a tortoise? Same thing.

PROPERTY DAMAGE

The BYU Grounds department accidentally set a big metal garbage container on top of a kids BMX bicycle, crushing the bike. No one was injured.

GST: Awesome.

Ken: Get that tire jack dude to lift it off, quick!

Steve: Identify the lying adverb in this report.

Cynthia: no one was injured except that little Billy’s Christmas was RUINED!!!

Steve: Let’s face it, that must’ve been totally awesome to see.

Ken: BYU Groundskeeper Willie had been teased one too many times by the little slingshot-wielding imp.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

[ Ken: I'm laughing already!]

A neighbor heard yelling and shouting from a husband and wife March 17 in Wymount Terrace and called the police. The police came and found it was only a verbal argument and advised them to seek counseling.

Steve: PHEW, thank goodness. Thanks, cops! Good thing it wasn’t a nonverbal argument. Pictionary scuffles are hard on the children.

Ken: “I been tryin to get some sleep, but these Wymount walls are cheap…”

Cynthia: I hope a little tune played and a star crossied the screen behind the police officer as he gave them his little trite piece of advice

Ken: The more you know…

GST: Or is that One to Grow On?

Cynthia: GST, are you questioning ken’s trivia?

Ken: Actually, I’M NOT SURE ANYMORE!

GST: I tried that once. It didn’t work out.

Steve: it’s TMYK, ignoramuses

Ken: I bet the police warning here was like, “You two should, like, seek counseling or something. I’m outie.”

We conclude with a tip of the week.

BYU Police Captain’s tip of the week: The more money you spend on your bike, the more money you should spend on your lock!

Ken: Coincidentally, BYU Police Captain has just enrolled in a bike lock MLM. He’s having a bike lock party at his house next weekend. Bring a friend and your checkbook!

Cynthia: I think that also applies to engagement rings….

GST: Why not some actually helpful advice: Remember, when you’re being stomped to death in the next Mormon pogrom, cover your head and groin!

Ken: The more you spend on your engagment ring, the more you should spend on a bike lock?

Steve: 3 month’s salary should go to either of the Kryptonite or Guard Dog companies.

Ken: If you spend more on a bike lock, BYU Grounds will just spend more on heavier metal containers.

Steve: I still think fondly of that guy with his homemade bike lock. Or was it a homemade bike?

Cynthia: homemade bike.

GST: What about the dude with the Liahona bike? What kind of lock should he have used?

Ken: The way I heard it, the more you spend on your wedding reception, the more you should spend on the honeymoon handcuffs.

Steve: I call my honeymoon handcuffs “son” and “daughter.”

Ken: You were supposed to leve them with a sitter!

Steve: no, they’re actual handcuffs, I just named them.

Cynthia: I have a v. nice photo of a couple posing in handcuffs in front of the temple. Stay classy!

Steve: nobody finds any charm in honeymoon zip tie restraints.

Ken: Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead. (Zooms off on homemade motorcycle.)

GST: FIN

Steve: done. Good job, all.

Ken: So wait, the Smurfs are the Jews?

Bookmark Police Beat Roundtable #14

Comments

  1. That may have been the weirdest PBR ever.

  2. Yes.

  3. S.P. Bailey says:

    Husband: I don’t want to go to counseling.
    Wife: But dear, we have to! You heard the cougar cop!

  4. S.P. Bailey says:

    And where are all the suspicious males?

  5. SP, your #3 would be especially hilarious if the cops came to the crime scenes dressed up like Cosmo.

  6. Sometimes, when I’m puzzled by a blue substance, I scratch my rear corner

    Shoulda ended it after this line. Nothing else came close.

  7. Steve,
    So that guy in the Wilkinson Center basement, with the furry cougar costume and the badge … not a cop? Boy do I feel silly about consenting to that body cavity search.

  8. It’s pretty clear that Ken’s brain has melted.

    NO MORE TRIVIA FOR YOU!

    Also, in addition to madhousewife’s correct diagnosis (#1), this may have been the PBR with the least police content ever. Firearm recommendation notice? Smashed foot? Smashed child’s bike? Tip of the week?

    More like slow week of the week.

  9. Kevin Barney says:

    I peeked at the comments before reading the PBRT itself, and when I read no. 3 I thought the “cougar cop” was a sexy 40-something woman dressed in a cop uniform.

  10. Nice job, everyone. Very funny!

  11. Dude, flying cars, Minority Report. Just sayin.

  12. did they fly in MR?

  13. They went up, didn’t they? Up the side of a freakin building. That’s flying enough, no?

  14. However, the gods of google have shown me the light, and I concede to this excellent list of flying cars

  15. going up =/= flying. Maglev cars =/= flying cars.

  16. Call it falling with style, then.

    In any case, I changed my vote to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Dick Van Dyke as a music box man trumps all. Take that, Bruce Willis and silly scarlet-haired Eurotrash model girl

  17. Ken: I don’t watch R-rated movies, but ’70s-era X movies are a loophole.

    Exactly. (and I’ll just assume Ken saw Pulp Fiction on tv).

  18. Cynthia L. says:

    Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = Trippiest Disney movie ever. Seriously, somebody explain to me what this scene is doing in a kids movie.

  19. Cyththia, that clip from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang explains the explosion in porn that occurred in the decade following its release.

  20. I thought firearms were a lame superpower the really spiritual RM’s developed. Get thee hence evil doer before I bear hug thee with the arms of the burning spirit!

  21. That clip disturbs the logical mind.

  22. Wow, that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang scene! New nickname for my wife: Choo chi face! C’mere, choo chi face!

  23. I just want to point out that Steve, at the last minute, removed a long series of jokes about various sexual perversities, and that’s why my final Pulp Fiction quote is now incomprehensible.

    But that doesn’t explain why the rest of the PBR is incomprehensible. Maybe the whole thing IS a Voight-Kampff test.

  24. Women can totally pee standing up and into bottles. It’s called a Whizzy. I think it’s feminism’s greatest development yet.

  25. Women can totally pee standing up and into bottles. It’s called a Whizzy. I think it’s feminism’s greatest development yet.

    Yeah, but do they understand the delicate behaviors required to use the bank of public restroom urinals properly?

    The last thing anyone needs in the men’s room is someone getting all chatty and showing off their Whizzy.

  26. Mark Brown says:

    I thought I was dreaming about smurfs driving around in the General Lee and throwing containers filled with an unknown liquid at Malcolm McDowell, who was riding around on a little kid’s bike. Then I realized I wasn’t dreaming, it’s just another day in the asylum we call BCC PBR.

    Well done, I like.

    Is it possible that the liquid that was dropped from Deseret Towers was blue? BYU Food Services serves a “cougar blue” punch, and those who don’t like the taste of it claim that it is of smurfy origin.

    Also. Can there be any more definitive and negative answer to the speculation that Ken is considering a run for elective office? His participation here could be called: Senate run EPIC FAIL.

  27. Yeah, but do they understand the delicate behaviors required to use the bank of public restroom urinals properly?

    I’ve played The Urinal Game, I totally get it.

  28. Alpha Echo says:

    This made me laugh. And also wonder what on earth these players are smoking. I liked the Zork jokes though.

  29. My favorite part about the Zork jokes: Steve Evans seems to think “curious workmanship” is a Zork reference, when it’s actually 1 Nephi 16. Seminary FAIL!

  30. Wow, nice job with such little interesting content!

  31. #30 that’s that they said about my Honors Thesis.

  32. Chad Too says:

    The blue substance was actually the tragic result of the Oompa Loompas’ attempt to get Violet Beauregard back to normal. If it’s any comfort, at least the residue was high in anti-oxidants.

    And this may not be a flying car, but it’s certainly close:

  33. You mentioned Wymount being dark, when the locale was actually Wyview, which is halfway decent, unlike its Eatern barracks of depression counterpart.

    And I support the use of the plural “ignorami,” if the need to angrily glower at fellow commenters should arise again.

  34. Steve Evans says:

    Good suggestion.

  35. S.P. Bailey says:

    The walls at Wymount are wafer thin. And due to the lack of air conditioning, many Wymount newlyweds left their windows open all summer long. Here’s what I learned from our years there: I would rather hear people having a little argument than groaning in ecstasy. It was always the same people. I couldn’t see them at the mailbox, laundromat, or church without snickering. As their upstairs neighbors, we were not as bad off as some. Our friends in the apartment across the way got a few eye-fulls before they got wise. You would think they could have at least closed the blinds.

    If only we had called the cougar cops. We could have immortalized our neighbors in the PBR! And I used to say that I have no regrets …

  36. The Right Trousers says:

    Hey, they don’t call them “The Rabbit Hutches” for nothing.

  37. belledame2 says:

    Please keep up these posts. Remind me of the great times i had at the Y myself.

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