Mormon Shame

It has recently come to my attention that we, as mormons, have done something shameful, I thought it may be too hot to post, but I can’t be silent. 

I was watching the news tonight, and when I say news, I mean E!News.  It has come to my attention over the past several weeks that Rob Pattinson (OMG, he’s so hot I love Edward Rob Pattinson…you know….yeah that one…the one with the hair)…..wait for it….may have some kind of substance abuse problem.  Allegedly, lots of bars, lots of the public drunkennes, apparently some valium, you get the picture.  How can one so young and so beautiful turn to the demon liquor and satan’s happy pills?  Clearly, one thing has driven him to chemical stimulation and de-stimulation:  Twi-moms.

I trick or treated at the (alleged)  head twi-mom’s house this past halloween, and if you think satan’s holiday is scary,  you should celebrate it with a cult of celibate-vegetarian-vampire lovers.  I just ran into the one (and a few of her minions), and I’m chilled with fear.  Rob Pattinson has to face them everyday.  They’re watcing his every movement.  They are *gulp* *whisper* experiencing sexual titilation because of his unkempt hair.  They screech, and cry, and teach their young to swoon.

Are we, as a culture responsible for this poor kid’s pain?  (Certainly a fair amount of his disorientation–that high pitched screeching can have an effect on the inner ear.)  I’m thinking that all our sobriety and sexual repression have a dark side, a very dark side my friends.   I was thinking of joining facebook and starting a  “save the hair from twi-moms” group, but then I’d just be part of the problem.  Oh the conundrum.  And the shame…..

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Comments

  1. To quote that chicken farmer in Idaho

    I don’t understand of word you just said.

  2. Coffinberry says:

    What on earth is a Twi-mom?

  3. Eric Russell says:

    Forget Rob. He’s being fully financially compensated for his “suffering.” These people should be ashamed though, not for his sake, but for their own.

  4. Hopefully the screening of New Moon will keep him busy and out of trouble.

  5. Aaron Brown says:

    ???

  6. Latter-day Guy says:

    LOL! Ahh, yes. Stehpanie Meyer: single-handedly responsible for turning happy Mormon households into dens of scarcely-controlled sexual repression.

  7. StillConfused says:

    I think that this may have something to do with the Twilight series. But I am out of the loop. Now bring something up about tax law or home improvement projects and I am all over it!

  8. Dangit you guys! I’m mad. It used to be that you could drop a reference to, say, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the smart cool kids would know what you’re saying. You didn’t have to be ashamed for the pop culture stuff. But I drop a reference to all the mormon women who are swooning over the red headed kid in Twilight (you know, those vampire movies) and it’s crickets chirping.

    Ahhh, I’m so disappointed in all of you. Don’t log back on until you’ve read US weekly…. grrrrr

    *foot stomping* I try to class up the joint…….

  9. Karen, I just wanted to say you’re so brave for posting this. Thank you.

  10. Mark Brown says:

    Is nothing sacred?

    Why is it that “certain people” always feel the need to find something to nitpick when it comes to spiritual things? I know that I have personally felt the spirit VERY strongly each of the 15 times I have watched Twilight. I don’t care how much you try to degrade and defame, Karen H., I know that Twilight is true. Calumny, lies, and slander didn’t work on Joseph Smith, and they won’t work on Edward, either.

    I truly feel sorry for all those whose hearts are not open to the Truth of this wonderful series. It strengthens and upbuilds me and my friends, why must you try to destroy that?

  11. I’m proud to say that after a quick Google search and having my twi-mom DW explain it to me I understood everything. (I would have have understood any Buffy reference no matter how obscure or arcane. Even season 8 references from the comic book!)

  12. “red headed kid in Twilight”

    Wait, Edward has read hair? I don’t think so, and having just checked with one of the greatest Twilight experts alive (my daughter) she says you’re up in the night. Edward has “bronze” hair. So maybe it’s you that needs to go back and read up.

  13. Natalie B. says:
  14. Justmeherenow says:

    Hmmm. (Color swatch: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bronze_(color) .) Tawny auburn?

  15. Justmeherenow says:

    As for the shade Meyer’s meant…we see that Janice Prishwalko is said to have light- (that is to say, blondish-) auburn hair (although in the following instance her modeling vitals list it simply brown: http://www.steelagency.com/model-profile-female.php?varname=12 ).

  16. Justmeherenow says:

    “Her black brows, her reddish-tawny hair and the pure red and white of her complexion defied the searching decomposing radiance: she might have been some fabled creature whose home was in a beam of light.”
    — EDITH WHARTON (from The Custom Of The Country)

  17. Justmeherenow says:
  18. Justmeherenow says:
  19. If twi mom’s are acting irresponsibly that is a problem…that doesn’t mean he had to choose stupidly. But since I’m closer to being a twi-mom (having the mom part down-but not having read the books)…I’ll opt to say, anyone who idolizes a moviestar need to adjust their premises.

  20. Jennifer in GA says:

    Rob Pattinson was perfectly happy to put up with the screaming hordes during his Harry Potter run, and believe me, a Twi-Moms obsession with Edward is *nothing* compared to a middle-aged Hufflepuff’s obesession with Cedric Diggory!

    For all of their complaining, Rob and Kristin Stewart are more than happy to continue cashing the checks that Twilight (and the Twi-Moms and the Twi-Hards) are writing. Theyc ould have moved on after the first movie, but chose not to. They knew what they were in for.

  21. Natalie B. says:

    I know a number of Mormons who are “Twilight Moms,” but is there any reason to believe that most – or even an unusually significant proportion – of TwiMoms are Mormons?

  22. I am a twi-mom to 3 twi-daughters and none of us have chased Edward, er- Robert, down. I suspect he was like this before the movie but nobody cared!

  23. Latter-day Guy says:

    “apparently some valium”

    Apparently… if you saw his acting in the Twilight movie, yes, there would be no question.

  24. Karen, I have witnessed what you speak of i.e. Mormon Twi-Mom. It truly is a frightening thing.

  25. I have four daughters, so I understood every word.

    There is an hilarious thread on Mormon Mommy Wars where the comments deteriorate around #40-ish into a frightening glimpse into the teenage mind of Twilight obsession.

    http://www.mormonmommywars.com/?p=987

  26. Lightweights. I was into Cedric waaaaaaaaaay before he got all undead.

  27. Overheard on the Twimom’s website:

    “I have no desires to be part of the real world right now. Nothing I was doing before holds any interest to me. I do what I have to do, what I need to do to get by and that’s it. Someone please tell me it will ease up, even if just a little? My entire world is consumed and in a tailspin.”

    For real.

  28. Cynthia L. says:

    Oh my goodness Ray. I just have to hope that the comments in that thread are fake/satire.

  29. The author of this post must not really be Mormon. If the author was, and a member in good standing (of which I would never be nor do I care to be) the author would not use OMG as it is “against their rules” using the Lord’s name in vein.

  30. Peter LLC says:

    Karen,

    I just wanted to go on record saying that I caught your reference and I don’t even live in the US. There was even an article about it in yesterday’s paper. Translating freely, it read as follows:

    “The enormous success of Stephanie Meyer’s vampire-populated novels has unleashed a highly-charged moral debate. The old generation is aghast. These are not the values they want to see in young adult literature. These vampires have only one thing on the brain: abstinence. They heroically withstand the temptation of pre-martial bites, waiting instead for marriage. And it’s pulling the kids in like Harry Potter. Chastity sells. A scandal!

    The Catholic priests are just the opposite. They are opposed to the vampires and are discovering sex. After all, it’s the most natural thing in the world, the parish newspapers proclaim. It’s in the Bible. And Jesus hung naked on the cross. Saint Sebastian is in every S&M club. Sex belongs to a healthy lifestyle just like cereal belongs to breakfast, the parish council exclaims, just like the drop of oil in freshly squeezed carrot juice.

    But the youth resist conversion. They like their vampire novels, no matter what the old fogies. In this case, the kids have the advantage figuratively speaking: they’ve got time.”

    #29:it is “against their rules” using the Lord’s name in vein.

    True, the church does frown on intravenous use of the Lord’s name.

  31. nearlynormalized says:

    What drugs to you have to share? I want some. Cults, cults=Joseph Smith and his followers!!!!

  32. Latter-day Guy says:

    RE 29,

    You do know that “God” is not the only word that begins with G, right? She could have meant: oh my gosh, oh my goodness, oh mighty grapefruit, old moribund gophers, etc… Furthermore, it is the Lord’s name we are not to use “in vein” [sic], the ten commandments mention nothing about using his initials.

  33. #28 (re: link in #25) – Sadly, they are real and sincere. Truly frightening.

  34. Old moribund gophers, for sure.

  35. vivalavida says:

    The REAL “mormon shame” here is the fact that you (Karen H.) allowed your morbid curiosity to lead you to stalking this “head twi-mom’s house” and that you are claiming that the actor Rob Pattinson is somehow void of his free agency, considering these “twi-moms” are in the vast minority of the oceans of screaming swooning females for Mr. Pattinson.

    Perhaps you should look inward at what kinds of choices you are making as a result of your contempt and jealousy for good women who are involved in a website that amounts to nothing more than an Online Relief Society, which includes people of all faiths.

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