BCC Labs is always working on innovative ways of maximizing the upsides of your online Latter-day Saint information consumption, interaction, and generation experience. Studies have shown that the marginalization of insufficiently critical approaches to the theological exploration of appropriate ethical behavioral actualizations by means of negative sporting and humorous contumely are market desirable. Therefore it is with great excitement that BCC Labs presents to you its latest innovation: the Daily Universe Letter to the Editor, deconstructed by Science!
BCC Lab’s methods of examination are explained below:
The CtR ratio:
Often, a Daily Universe Letter to the Editor expresses outrage at some real or perceived slight. The CtR ratio measures the actual outrage expressed by comparing the rate of Curse (in which the aggrieved party wishes to shake the dust off their feet at their offender) to the rate of Repent (in which the aggrieved party wishes their offender would speak to the bishop, but does not wish for them to be condemned to outer darkness for an eternity of weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth and poor hygiene).
The A grade:
The A grade tracks the presence (or the implied presence) of those accusations so common to the Daily Universe Letters to the Editor page that they hardly need be expressed at all. They also start with A.
This is the ratio of implied scripture to actual scripture quoted. Quotes from General Authorities only count as actual scripture if all of the following conditions apply: a. The quoted authority is the person who actually said the quote & b. the quote is cited OR the quote is of such a nature that everyone like totally knows its source.
The PPI index:
The PPI (Point Proven Internally) index tracks the number of times the letter accuses the offender of a logical fallacy or error of which the aggrieved is also guilty.
These are the odds that a given letter was written out of a given motivation based on actuarial tables buried deep beneath the earth that can only be found via the spirit of Steve BCC’s curelom.
I will supply you with an out-of-context quote from the letter itself, because it’s funny.
Below you will see the magic of Science at work explaining an actual Daily Universe Letter to the Editor printed in today’s edition of the Daily Universe.
To the women who think it’s acceptable to wear tank tops and short shorts out to tan in Helaman Quad, I submit the following:
“And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” Dallin H. Oaks, General Conference, April 2005.
It is hard enough for the young men of the Church to keep a clean mind and a pure heart without you lying around half-naked right outside our dorms. Please be more considerate of not only the BYU Honor Code, but also of the spiritual well being of the men you date. We are doing our best to be worthy to enter the temple and serve the Lord as missionaries. Could you help us out by wearing modest clothing?
[Letter writer’s name]
[Letter writer’s place of affiliation]
This poor young man is obviously distraught by the willful disobedience of those uncareful, immodest women. Their flaunting of the Honor Code by covering up their naughty bits, but flashing the occasional scapula, clearly indicates their disregard for the poor, innocent boy caught up in his uncontrollable urges. These clothing choices put the Devil’s little factories to work and women covering only 76%-80% of their body drive that economy. However, note his sincere desire to lead the women by persuasion and love unfeigned. BCC labs also feels for these deluded, misled harlots (ignorant Isabels, if you will) so BCC Labs feels that their chances at repentance should be good, but not too good.
A grade: C
There is an implication that Adultery could become a problem if the guys walking over from Wyview catch a view of Bathsheba sunbathing on the quad. Also, there is implied Apostasy for the young women who are selling their virtue for free by disregarding Elder Oaks’ Adomonition. Three capitalized A’s = Grade C.
The letter writer is clearly no scriptorian. Off the top of my head, I can think of 10 or so verses devoted to harlots and hell in Proverbs and Ecclesiastes alone. All he has is a paltry quote from Elder Oaks. What? Has President Monson never talked about pornography? Get on your game, letter writer!
The letter writer demonstrates the pernicious problem of living pornography by discussing his own obsession with living pornography. If only there was some way to prevent this young man from deflowering himself with the visual feast before him. If the young women of Helaman Halls will not hear his cry and begin to let virtue garnish their shoulders, maybe we could all chip in and buy him some blinders.
The letter writer wrote this to impress a girl he is courting: 3:1
The letter writer is a member of the Honor Code Club at BYU: 5:1
The letter writer has Virgin Lips: 10:1
The letter writer was writing in behalf of a roommate who is struggling: 1000:1
Finally, your out-of-context quote:
“It is hard enough for the young men”
BCC Labs: Incentivising Content Management for the Coming Millennium
Next Project: Garments actually designed for women.