The Fifteenth installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
This week: S.P. Bailey and Scott B. join us.
BYU Police Capt. Michael Harroun’s tip of the week: “When in doubt, never give anything out!”
S.P.: Not even candy?
GST: Sounds like he’s also a bishop in one of the BYU wards.
S.P.: Dude probably wears a Burkini.
Steve: Not even copies of “The Greatest MAN Who Ever Lived.”
Cynthia: k Steve: get a move on
Steve: wtf, try responding at least once per item SB2
GST: She didn’t realize that the tip of the week counted. She thought it was just a warm-up item.
S.P.: SB2? Oh, Leia.
Cynthia: that’s Sister Blah 2 to you, SP
S.P.: Got it.
Steve: I resent it that the BYU Police Capt. is dispensing dating tips. If I had a nickel for every doubting-and-never-giving-anything-out date, I’d buy you all some Hogi Yogi.
Cynthia: steve, get your mind out of the gutter, why do you assume he’s talking about dating?
S.P.: Their jurisdiction is broad. It covers your dating life.
Cynthia: maybe he is just reminding students of the statutes regarding unlicensed vending machines.
Steve: How can those heartless machines have doubt? They are incapable of faith, doubt, love, even a simple gesture of human tenderness. Such as giving me an extra ice cream sandwich, dammit.
S.P.: Sounds like you have tried. For the tenderness.
Cynthia: but R2D2 is so adorable! Prick him, does he not short-circuit?
Steve: Ever tried to make out with an Astromech droid, Leia? Let me tell you that unlike campus cops, they do give out, even in doubt.
GST: I like Anthony Lane’s take: “I still fail to understand why I should have been expected to waste twenty-five years of my life following the progress of a beeping trash can and a gay, gold-plated Jeeves.”
A 48-year-old ecclesiastical leader was stopped for shoplifting from the BYU Bookstore May 13. After insisting that he simply forgot to pay for the items, a voice stress analysis was performed and determined that he was telling the truth. He had paid for other items and forgot to pay for other items he picked up after his first purchase.
Cynthia: wait, BYU owns its own voice stress analysis machine? Is that like for pre-mission interviews?
S.P.: They borrowed it from the honor code office secret opps devision.
Steve: It took the Dalai Lama 5 attempts to get past the lie detector, but they let him go with the pack of ho-hos they found in his Stetson.
GST: Is Lloyd Newell really an ecclesiastical leader?
Steve: Yes. c.f. Dalai Lama.
Cynthia: let this be a lesson to all BYU students, never stray from the true church, or you could end up in a shoplifter’s congregation – dun dun DUN!
GST: How do we know that this isn’t an LDS leader? It could be a 70!
Steve: You guys ever taken a voice stress analysis? It sounds easy, but you try acting relaxed with a BYU cop sitting on your chest with a tape recorder jammed in your mouth.
GST: That’s hot.
S.P.: More proof that cougar cop is nobody’s dream job. Unless they are like totally into this sort of thing!
Steve: Some people shoplift just for the chance to take a free lie detector test. Obviously such people do not live in areas with Scientologists.
GST: When he passed the voice stress test, they made him take the carnival grip strength test. And then swing the big hammer to try to ring the bell.
S.P.: There is Tom Cruise joke in there some where.
Steve: Then he had to steal the sacred dagger of Adjanti.
GST: Shawn, you’re job is to find the joke. Past guests understood this.
S.P.: Nobody told me!
Steve: for example, GST just made a 3rd grade punctuation error. Run with it.
GST: Shut your mouth. I don’t have to take your crap until you become an American.
S.P.: Is Cynthia Canadian too?
Cynthia: no but I took French in high school, so that makes me like 1/10000 Canadian?
Steve: If she were she’d have better jokes. And better hygiene.
S.P.: I gave frenching lessons in high school. How Canadian does that make me?
Steve: It depends: was your uncle involved?
S.P.: He’s not Canadian at all!
Steve: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Cynthia: it doesn’t count as “giving lessons” when you pay them
A former BYU student was arrested at UVSC May 13 for the theft of a purse and a laptop computer. The man is a possible suspect for the recent increase of property theft at BYU.
Steve: …unlike most thieves, who are not responsible for any increases in theft.
GST: Glad to see BYU externalizing its social problems.
S.P.: The purse didn’t even match the guys shoes. Always a dead giveaway.
Steve: It was one item. Purse/laptop. Pursetop. I admit, this particular item is not an unlimited joke mine.
S.P.: Either way, the guy was wearing red pumps!
GST: Pursetop was a minor pharaoh.
Steve: The Egyptian God of Cybercarmex.
GST: I think we’re ready to move on.
The corpses of two ducks, a male and a female, were found May 9 outside the north entrance of the Museum of Art. The cause of death is unknown. The bodies were properly disposed of.
S.P.: Male and female?
Cynthia: Romeo and Juliduck.
S.P.: It was a conceptual piece. And they just threw it away.
GST: “Corpses”? How about carcasses?
Cynthia: not throw away! “properly disposed of”
GST: A pyre.
Steve: a floating fiery barge.
Cynthia: what does that mean anyway? Duck a l’orange at the cafeteria that week?
S.P.: The cops were unwitting participants in performance art.
Steve: Obviously the Noah Killer is still at large.
S.P.: But male and female? Who examines the gender of dead ducks? Or even live ones?
Cynthia: sloppy police work, not even doing an autopsy. Maybe it’s a cover-up
— dispose of the bodies before we find out the TRUTH!!11!!
Steve: Do you know how expensive it is to autopsy a duck? The bill is astronomical.
GST: Ducks, unlike chickens, can usually be sexed by their plumage. I think.
Cynthia: TMI, gst, TMI.
Steve: Female ducks that display their plumage improperly are in violation of the sacred honor code, and are pornography to the mallards.
GST: And the punishment is apparently death.
Cynthia: we need to get that professor who exposed the 9/11 truth to look into this.
S.P.: Don’t these female ducks know that they are responsible for men’s thoughts?
Steve: “men” ducks, S.P.? Or like, ducks make you hot?
Cynthia: next!! for the love of all things, next!
S.P.: Whatever, dude. I never kiss and tell.
Cynthia: wait, unfortunate choice of words by me…
Steve: btw, our new guest poster, Scott, will be joining us shortly.
GST: Please. Anything. No offense, S.P.
S.P.: Some taken.
MEN ACT INAPPROPRIATELY IN RB LOCKER ROOM
Two men were stopped for inappropriate behavior June 1 in the men’s locker room of the RB. The case is still under investigation.
GST: Fill in the details yourself, i guess.
S.P.: Come on, guys! You actually have to be in the tunnel. And singing.
GST: Are you saying that the tunnel singers are gay?
Steve: Also confiscated was an issue of Mallard Monthly and a small, duck-sized burkini.
S.P.: By “tunnel,” I mean a location on campus. Oh my gosh!
Cynthia: also confiscated: towel embroidered with initials SPB.
Steve: GST, the tunnel singers are not gay! They can’t be! That would mean….
S.P.: Steve is a tunnel singer?
Steve: (worldview crumbling)
Cynthia: was, was. He went to therapy.
S.P.: They cured him.
Steve: Tunnelgreen helped (now called Evertunnel).
Cynthia: You know, we’re all going to feel really stupid when it turns out that “inappropriate behavior” was just like doing graffitti or gluing the locks shut
S.P.: You’d think they would just say “gluing the locks shut” then.
Steve: Cynthia, it’s BYU – “inappropriate behavior” could have meant studying.
S.P.: Or having a 5 o’clock shadow at 6 o’clock.
Cynthia: listening to that Satan music kids like these days.
Scott: It could also have involved tank tops and shorts.
S.P.: Can you sunbathe in a bathroom?
Cynthia: probably not.
GST: Inappropriate behavior for a locker room includes keeping your clothes on.
Cynthia: also, tank top and shorts on a guy?
Scott: That’s why it’s inappropriate, Cynthia. Gosh.
GST: That’s just as good an indicator of gay as making out wiht another dude in a locker room.
Steve: Or singing!
GST: Or band.
Cynthia: this has been quite a PBR
Steve: GST, band members are not gay! They can’t be! That would mean…..
GST: Yes, you cry yourself to sleep tonight over that one, Scott.
S.P.: Steve: is a band member, too?
Scott: (weeping silently)
Various Homecoming banners around campus were partially spray painted Oct. 5. The M and E were sprayed out so the banners read Ho coming.
Scott: How did we get from June to October? Or is PBR just one eternal round?
Steve: via July, August, and September, dumbass.
S.P.: BYU is very quiet in the summer.
Cynthia: somewhere some PBR editor is taking enormous delight in having typed something naughty.
Scott: We non-insiders always assumed these PBR’s come from a single issue of the DU…I’m so disappointed.
S.P.: But honey, I didn’t know it was called “Ho coming!” I only want to respect you, baby!
Cynthia: FYI scott, santa = not real
Steve: Yes, you’re an Outsider, Scott. Like Ponyboy.
Scott: Ho Ho Ho…. Coming
GST: Also acceptable would have been painting over the ECMING
Cynthia: spell it out for us, gst, like the DU did. We’re slow.
Steve: I presumed that some well-meaning zealot took out the M and E as a way of saying that rampant individuality at BYU is discouraged.
Cynthia: there’s no me in ho coming
S.P.: But there is an “I.”
Steve: That would be a fantastic t-shirt.
A person was stopped for a speeding violation by University Police Oct. 18 and found that he was not the owner of the vehicle and did not have permission to press charges. The vehicle was returned to the owner who did not want to press charges.
S.P.: “Did not have permission to press charges?” What the?
Steve: “Sorry, pig — it’s not even my car! I don’t have permission to press charges! I’ll be on my way now.”
Scott: He didn’t know he wasn’t the owner? He just found out?
Cynthia: only Hasselhoff has permission to file charges against that black car with the red lights thingy.
Steve: KITT is above the law, even at BYU.
Cynthia: I’m so in love with meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Come on people, “Hooked on a Feeling”! No?
Steve: You’re so in love with homeeeeeeeeeeeeeecoming?
S.P.: Kid: I have a fishing license. And a concealed carry permit!Permission to press charges. Cop: not good enough. You need permission to press charges!
Wow. That came out all crazy and garbled. This thing gets edited right? Will you edit that and make it funny?
Steve: I’m not a miracle worker.
Cynthia: SP, don’t give Steve: a blank check. He’ll make it funny alright.
S.P.: Really. I thought I deleted most of that.
Steve: So we all wished! But this is all going in. Meanwhile, gst is only mostly dead.
Cynthia: he has beautiful plumage.
S.P.: like a female duck.
Steve: If he has feathers like a duck and kisses like a duck…
Scott: ….then he is a witch?
S.P.: King Arthur: Well on second thought, let’s not go to [BYU]. It is a silly place.
Knights: Right. Right.
Steve: parrots =/= ducks. Ornithology FAIL
A female student received several calls from a couple of males using sexual innuendo in their conversation. She was advised not to answer the phone when the numbers appeared on the caller ID.
Cynthia: she was also advised not to read PBR or watch TV.
S.P.: It was her fault for answering the phone.
teve: BYU: taking your complaints seriously, toots.
S.P.: They didn’t trace the calls? Take down the numbers?
Cynthia: they’re too busy ticketing corner-cutters, SP! C’mon! Priorities!
S.P.: They obviously need to call in some kind of sleuth or shamus. Magnum, P.I. maybe. Or the bloodhound gang.
Steve: Officers patted her nicely on the head and advised her to answer the phone more chastely.
Cynthia: and stop wearing shorts!
GST: It makes it sound like the conversation was actually between the men, and she was just a listener.
Scott: Why did the two guys calling her while they used sexual innuendo in their conversation?
Cynthia: yes, Scott, why did the two guys calling her?
Steve: I can has sexual innuendo, Scott?
S.P.: How does one “use sexual innuendo?”
GST: Why don’t they just keep it between themselves in the RB locker room?
S.P.: Or the tunnel. And the singing.
Cynthia: maybe they really WERE just talking about candlestick salad?
Steve: wow, Cynthia. Inappropriate. Just…. wow.
Steve: As a daughter of zion can’t you do a better job of keeping pornographic material out of PBR? Some of us are preparing for missions.
S.P.: I am googling it now. For prank calls tonight.
Steve: Acc-en-tuate the pos-i-tive!
S.P.: The search button on my google feels violated.
Steve: Indeed, S.P. I am no longer feeling lucky.
S.P.: I have never dared to click on that. Not even once.
Steve: one more!
GST: Please put the readers out of their misery.
Graffiti was found in a men’s bathroom in the Wilkinson Student Center Oct. 10, but the officer couldn’t discern what the graffiti said.
Scott: More men’s bathrooms?
GST: They need the BYU Police Graffiti Urim and Thummim.
Cynthia: confession: I can never read graffiti either. Does that mean I’m not hip and with it?
GST: They asked Professor Anton to read the graffiti for them.
Scott: Because the graffiti couldn’t be interpreted, the officer didn’t have permission to press charges.
Cynthia: this is why we need to bring penmanship back into the public schools.
S.P.: He said “I cannot read sealed graffiti.”
Steve: Canst thou translate? And I say unto thee again: Knowest thou of any one that can translate? For I am desirous that these records should be translated into our language.
GST: Cynthia, you mean like this? http://bigeyedeer.wordpress.com/2008/07/15/this-cartoon-wrote-a-sweary-word-on-your-toilet-wall/
Scott: More like this http://farm1.static.flickr.com/1/4137469_eb233cb43d.jpg?v=0
Cynthia: what does aguante mean?
Steve: or like this http://scriptures.lds.org/en/abr/fac1.gif
GST: I’ve been aguantaring mormones for over 30 years.
S.P.: Hugh Nibley interpreted the graffiti after many hours of study. It said: “ho coming rocks!”
Steve: A footnote to it reads: the translation of this graffito cannot be had here, but try in the locker rooms of the RB.
S.P.: Or to paraphrase: for an inappropriate time call …
Steve: Note the predominant duck image in the scrawling.
Cynthia: “what are you wearing, baby?” “tank top and shorts”
S.P.: A burkini.
GST: That is so … damned … INAPPROPRIATE!
Steve: like this? That’s all I got.
Cynthia: well, well, well. Can you attribute all mine to some anonymous guest? I have a reputation to uphold
GST: I have to agree with the guy that wrote in complaining about how stale this feature is, and asking that it be replaced with John C’s letter to the editor bit.
Scott: same here….I was so interrupted with work and lame ideas that I was thoroughly out-classed.
Steve: I’ll edit it to sound funny. Look for this to appear in 2014.
S.P.: GST: you can’t say it sucks on my first time. Even if it REALLY sucks.
Steve: there were a few good ones.
GST: Both guests were good.
Cynthia: ahem, gst you’re forgetting something….
Steve: no, he isn’t.
GST: Not at Ken Jennings or Adam Greenwood levels, but good.
S.P.: Thanks, GST. I only had to pry it out of you with a crowbar.