In his latest column, Robert Kirby lists numerous parties who have (or should have) grievances with the church. He’s looking for someone to replace gays who, despite email rumors to the contrary, won’t be protesting outside General Conference next weekend. Among the aggrieved parties are vegans [emphasis mine]:
Vegans should have a real bone to pick — oh, sorry — with the LDS church. Mormons are serious carnivores. The church owns huge welfare farms including some with cows. The bread we use in our Sacrament is made with real dairy products.
And that got me thinking, here’s the perfect idea for a post that will helpfully provide conservatives with link fodder for showing how nutty the liberal wing* of BCC is–a post that wails, “What about the vegans? Will no one think of the vegans!!!”
So, what about the vegans? Does BCC have any vegan readers? (How embarrassing for us if we don’t. Quick, someone at least pretend!) I imagine that requests for vegan-friendly sacrament bread may be received with more than a little eye-rolling in some wards’ deacons quorums. What about other dietary restrictions, such as gluten-free, any luck with requests there among our readers?
As LDS, we ought to have an abundance of empathy for those with uncommon dietary restrictions. Can those who bashfully inquire of waiters whether or not any actual wine (gasp!) was used in the preparation of the chef’s special Coq au Vin fairly cast aspersions at our vegan friends for demanding to know whether any butter was used to lubricate a frying pan behind the scenes? And let he who has never demanded a rock-solid money-back guarantee that the flambé will in fact consume all the alcohol in their dessert cast the first stone at someone who doesn’t want a stray shred of Parmesan in their Caesar salad. Don’t get me started on how much time it takes to get a definitive ruling from Taco Bell personnel regarding the presence or absence of caffeine in their lemonade (“Lipton Brisk” lemonade = YES, it contains caffeine). We have Amri to tell us the etiquette of not drinking at a bar, and they have Chic Vegan to tell them, “When eating at a friend or relatives house, do not expect them to make anything special for you to eat. They probably will, but if you don’t get your hopes up, you won’t be disappointed.” (PS: thank you, Chic Vegan, for supplying the butter and salad cheese examples)
Well, Good News for vegans! Using my years of Mormony experience in investigating ingredients of various food items, I have uncovered the following: Wonder Bread-based sacrament? 100% vegan! Oh, yes. Wonder Bread is vegan. So covenant-renew up, vegans! You are in the clear.
* yes, BCC does have a conservative wing too