The Sixteenth installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
This week: Matthew Page joins our regular cast of characters.
A student received a random phone call on his cell phone Oct. 24 from someone trying to sell him drugs using the slang language and when he replied “What?” the person hung up the phone.
GST: “I would like to interest you in the purchase of illicit narcotics. I have a supply of ‘good sh!t,’ as they say.”
Matt: Oh did we start? Sorry.
Steve: This is BYU, GST. He said, “Hello there, for acquisition I have a reasonable quantity of questionable narcotics.” Profanity is against the Honor Code.
Cynthia: I think that’s the BYU police dept engaging in some undercover work. I believe they also occasionally run prostitution stings.
Matt: That doesn’t sound like slang.
GST: What are some of the street names for drugs in Utah? Brands of marijuana, etc.?
Matt: The thing is if you are cold calling people to sell drugs, you shouldn’t use slang. You need to be very clear.
GST: “Highest degree of glory”
Steve: “White and delightsome”
Matt: “Wanna get high to Kolob?”
Steve: “Urim & Thummim”
GST: “burning in the bosom, and nasal passages”
Matt: “Spencer W Kim Bowl”
Two-foot high red marker graffiti was painted on the side of building B-67 Oct. 27. The graffiti was a mixture of initials and X’s.
Matt: How do we know the X’s weren’t just more initials?
Steve: I believe the initials were O’s.
GST: The building, of course, is named after B-67, Karl Maeser’s droid.
Steve: You’d need a droid to hold aloft a two-foot high red marker.
Cynthia: aren’t all words a mixture of initials?
Matt: Two foot high marker graffiti? That marker isn’t going to last long.
GST: Matt asks how they know that the Xs aren’t initials. How do they know that the other letters are initials? BYU Police must have the worst gang crime expert in the world on the payroll.
Matt: Right. I think it was all initials. Mostly those belonging to people who have a name starting with X.
Steve: Any public sentence with the letter X in it is considered graffiti.
Matt: It was actually a billboard advertisement for PAX TV
GST: Matt, it was either for PAX TV, or the Pax Mormona. Isn’t B-67 just a quonset hut? Can it really be defaced? It’s pretty ugly as is.
Cynthia: does anyone know someone with the initials “BYU SUCKS”?
Steve: illicit graffiti FAIL, SB2. (btw, Matt – SB2 = Cynthia)
Cynthia: (ok I just spent too long trying to read that as a math equation)
GST: I’ll tell you what you need to subtract from Matt to get Cynthia. He won’t like it.
Steve: it involves the letter X
Matt: This is like science class.
GST: Exactly like science class. Yes.
Matt: Also like maturation class. But not as weird.
A male individual chose not to follow rules became belligerent with the attendant in the Indoor Tennis Courts who tried to enforce them. He has caused problems in the past.
GST: What rules do you suppose this little miscreant chafed at?
Cynthia: shorts too short, thus actual chafing?
Steve: The rule he broke: “if you don’t eat yer meat, yeh can’t have any pudding!”
GST: This item doesn’t paint a pretty picture of the tennis martinet either.
Matt: I was going to make a joke about tennis. But I don’t know anything about tennis. I should have done my research before we started.
…We have started right?
GST: Matt, yeah, this is as good as it gets, I’m afraid. The Himmler of the Richards Building.
Steve: I have heard that it is a rule of tennis to have two balls in your pockets at all times during a game. Little mutant boy had three.
Cynthia: all I know about tennis is that they can’t count right.
GST: And they wouldn’t know true love if it hit them with a racquet.
Steve: There are two things I love about this entry: first, the insinuation that this is some chronic indoor tennis troublemaker, and the second is that this story is completely without police action and is completely unresolved.
Matt: Call the cops, that guy is hitting the ball with the wrong end of the racquet again.
GST: The monster is presumably at-large, roaming the Wasatch front disregarding Richards Building rules remorselessly.
Cynthia: how many other indoor tennis courts has he terrorized??
GST: (Matt, did you go to BYU?)
Matt: He has been banned in 35 states. (no. U of U)
Steve: He disappears without a trace, the Sasquatch of the indoor tennis courts
GST: (hey, are the indoor tennis courts at the RB? Or did I just imagine that?)
Cynthia: (don’t look at me)
(I think all these should go in)
Steve: Or Grendel. He’s more a tennis Grendel.
An employee who leaves his office in the same way in the Fletcher Building found that his blinds had been closed Oct. 26. He also discovered some gambling Internet sites he had never accessed were in his computer history.
Cynthia: he didn’t access those porn sites either, he swears!
GST: He also found that $35,000 worth of winnings had been credited to his Signature Card account.
Steve: I forgot my favorite joke re: tennis dude. but to make my comment now would be Disorderely.
Matt: His pencil had been sharpened and someone had sent creepy emails to his ex-girlfriend. But he swears it wasn’t him.
Steve: Wait… “who leaves his office in the same way….” SAME WAY AS WHAT?
GST: This item is confusingly written. He “leaves his office in the same way”? Like he has the same plan of egress every night? Or he leaves it in the same condition?
Matt: The same way as the tennis guy?
Steve: via the secret grendel tennis tunnel.
GST: Also, I find it hard to believe that BYU internet filtering allows gambling sites. You can’t even view the Deseret Book Swimsack Edition!
Steve: LDSSingles.com is not wagering for money, but it is a gambling site nonetheless.
A male visitor was looking up Satanic Web sites in the library Dec. 1. He was asked to leave the premises.
Cynthia: that’s the best category they could think of? “suspicious activity”?
Steve: Dec. 1: BCC makes its first Police Beat appearance!
Matt: He was asked to leave the premises via the secret grendel tennis tunnel.
Steve: the same way.
GST: Grandpa Joe’s GA pages apparently has an entry on Alistair Crowley.
(What’s that guy’s name? It’s not Joe, but something close.)
Cynthia: (your grandpa? how are we supposed to know??)
Steve: Ask Gramps?
GST: Grandpa Bill. http://gapages.com/menu.htm?
Cynthia: and we find another example of the woeful inadequacy of byu internet filters…
GST: My dad recently embarked on campaign to get all his grandkids to call him “Pappy.” To no avail.
Cynthia: he just needs to sweeten the deal.
Steve: Is your father an alcoholic ex-merchant marine or something?
Matt: Living in 1935?
Cynthia: with a homemade tattoo?
GST: I have on my desk a picture frame around a piece of cardboard with “Me Pappy” written on it.
Steve: GST’s dad is remarkably progressive compared to his son. Just ask him what he likes to eat for breakfast.
Matt: (I think my wife’s OB is named Pappy – but I’m not sure. I wasn’t paying attention) (sorry)
GST: I will not stand by while you smear that man’s good name.
Matt: Thou shalt honor your Pappy and your Mammy.
One female BYU employee reported receiving a series of harassing e-mails. The e-mails contained messages regarding a supposed conspiracy involving Mormons, Jews, the Third Reich, AARP and the CIA.
Cynthia: AARP. awesome.
Matt: Those are better than the emails I get.
Steve: How exactly are the jews working together with the 3rd Reich?
GST: Not very effectively.
Matt: With the aid of the elderly. That’s how.
Cynthia: the Illuminati are engaged in a plot to raise the social security retirement age to 67! AARP, Mormons, Jews unite!!
GST: What about Colonel Sanders?
Steve: That’s the Pentaveret.
GST: Sorry. So, did these emails purport to be written on behalf of the conspirators, or warning against them?
Matt: No matter what you are planning (conspiracy or otherwise), AARP members are probably not going to be a very useful ally. Unless you are planning a boring story.
Steve: What do all these groups have in common: lower car insurance rates and fiber-rich diets.
GST: Au contraire, Matthew. If the Third Reich had had a glossy magazine operation as good as AARPs, it might have actually lasted 1,000 years.
An unknown individual vandalized a men’s bathroom on the bottom floor of the WSC on Monday. The person kicked a partition between two urinals, which tore the partition off the wall, and urinated on it.
GST: This item is from the days when Sid Vicious was briefly enrolled at BYU.
Cynthia: when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Steve: HULK SMASH!!! And, er…. HULK PEE!
GST: Given the DU stylebook, I’m surprised that this item doesn’t say “tore the partition off the wall, and evacuated a substance from his body that appeared to be urine.”
Matt: My attorney has advised me not to comment on this item.
Steve: He left his calling card: mixed initials and a X drawn in urine. Police are referring to him as ‘Xorro’.
GST: Xerxes Hansen.
Cynthia: if nobody saw the individual, how do we know it was a person? Maybe an escapee from the livestock dept?
GST: A hecubus?
Steve: which then left the same way, via the secret grendel tennis tunnel.
Cynthia: or maybe it was the vampire dude, Edward.
Matt: I thought you said “dude”
Cynthia: evidently he can break stuff pretty easily, that’s why he can’t get it on with the girl. so I’ve heard.
Steve: I loved that bit in Twilight when Edward, desperate of love for Bella, swoons in the urinal, breaking the partition. Then some wolfman comes in and pisses on him in a big X.
A female student told police March 2 that another female, not a student, made threats against her after the student ended the two women’s friendship, which the other woman apparently did not want to end. Police said the second woman threatened to turn the student into the Honor Code Office for undisclosed reasons.
Cynthia: there are two kinds of ships, the friend ship, and the relation ship.
GST: And neither ship was leaving the dock.
Matt: The police didn’t hear the reason because the student was playing her Indigo Girls CD too loudly.
Steve: The L Word: Provo. Coming soon to KBYU-TV Late Nite.
Cynthia: (oh, guys this one is really sad)
GST: Yeah, we’re all busted up.
Steve: I went to the doctor, I went to the fountain, I turned to the Honor Code office, for undisclos-ed reasons… fine, Cynthia is in tears now. Way to go, Matt.
Matt: I didn’t know she liked IG. Sorry Cynthia.
Steve: Honest mistake — nobody likes them!
Cynthia: ya sorry to be lame, that one just couldn’t be funny to me.
Steve: for undisclosed reasons.
GST: Jeez, never kick her out of Police Beat Review, I guess.
Steve: (don’t worry, I won’t put that in)
Police responded to reports of screaming around 10:40 a.m. March 29 from the east side of LaVell Edwards Stadium. Officers found three female students engaging in a screaming contest.
GST: Police then engaged in their own impromptu pepper spray contest.
Cynthia: they were practicing for their tunnel singer audition
Steve: This is broad daylight, outside a stadium. Perfect time to get your scream on.
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR!!!!!
I WENT TO THE FOUNTAIN!!!!!!
THERE’S MORE THAN ONE ANSWER TO THESE QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cynthia: they were practicing for the upcoming visit of ___________ [you fill in]
Steve: Who’s that ugly youtube woman?
Matt: A murderer.
Steve: same difference.
Cynthia: the Jonas Brothers, that actor in Twilight?
Matt: Murderer: You gals sound like you’ve done this before. Girls: We’ve been practicing.
A male student called police Friday after being unable to log on to an on-campus computer.
Matt: I went to the U. We did things a little differently there.
Steve: You didn’t have any computers. Abacus: no login problems.
Cynthia: the union actually pays students to keep officers employed with these kinds of calls. After Wilkinsen’s tenure was over, the whole place got overrun by socialists and unions. Sad, really.
GST: Yeah, they wouldn’t call the cops at the U. They’d blaze up, have sex with each other, defecate on the Ensign, and fall asleep in the bushes.
Matt: (This one makes me sad the way that Indigo Girls one made Cynthia sad)
Steve: CLOSER I AM TO FINE!!!!!!
Matt: It says fine? I thought it said find.
Steve: yeah, like “girl you so fine.” Plus it’s the name of the song, dummy.
Matt: She thinks she’s getting closer?
Cynthia: wait so Steve’s been singing IG this whole time? huh.
GST: Are we done here? Can I go back to work?
Steve: I thought you were done here about five entries ago.
Cynthia: GST can’t log in, needs to get off the phone line so he can call the cops.
GST: Edit this out later. Steve, I’m flying to Seattle and I’m going to kill you, you scrawny little bastard.
Cynthia: wait, that makes NO sense…
Steve: Fine. Xorro out.
Matt: I better go. I have a group chat over at T&S I gotta go do.