Ultimate Church Fighting, or, Ol’ Shiz Lost His Head in the Heat of Battle

by Matt Page

by Matt Page

In any Sunday school class, in a typical LDS ward, it is common to hear members of the Church share their feelings about certain passages of scripture that have helped them on their spiritual paths, strengthened them in times of need, and given them comfort or peace when life was stormy all around them. It is also common to hear comments about various quotes from past and current prophets which have had similar effects on the lives on members of the Church. What is less common is a careful analysis of who, among all the ancient prophets and righteous men and women in the scriptures, would be most likely to emerge victorious in a no-holds-barred fighting competition. I hope to rectify the dearth of attention given to the octagon right now.

There are countless tales of bravery, cunning, and combat skillz throughout the scriptures, and a complete listing of all possible combinations is a task beyond the scope of this post. However, below is a rundown of several characters of interest, starting with the least likely to survive a no-holds-barred tournament.

23. Anyone Whose Last Name is Anti-Nephi-Lehi
This is the Ultimate Church Fighting Championship, guys. Not the Ultimate Church Pacifist Championship. Sheesh.
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22. Nehemiah:
Despite all of our best efforts to get Nehemiah to join the fray, his publicist kept saying he had something really important to do and couldn’t come down to fight.
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UPDATE!
21. James aka Son of Thunder 1
20. John aka Son of Thunder 2
19. Peter aka The Rock

While there is not much to go on in terms of fighting prowess among the chief Apostles, Kyle M rightly points out that the names of these men alone deserve consideration.

18. The wives of Lehi’s sons.
Man! They were sure tough in the wilderness!
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17. Samuel the Lamanite
Excellent defense, sure. But the man showed no competence when it comes to actually taking your opponent down.
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UPDATE! (HT:Ardis)
15. & 16. Levi & Simeon, Tag Team
This update about brothers taking down the mohel is necessary for two reasons:
First, the episode of Seinfeld about the mohel is hilarious.
Second, their response to Jacob’s stress after they killed the mohel is stellar: “Should our sister be treated like a whore?
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14. Captain Moroni
For all of the rhetoric we find in the last chapters of Alma, there’s actually very little evidence that Moroni was a tough guy. Spiritual giant? Yes–causes the powers of darkness to tremble and all that jazz. Great leader? Yes–Title of Liberty, rallying the people. Fearless negotiator? Yes. After that standoff with Zarahemnah, Moroni could probably have talked Samuel L. Jackson down. But Tough Guy? Show me the evidence, cuz I’m not seeing it.
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13. Charlton Heston, aka Moses
Very similar to Captain Moroni here. All evidence suggests that Moses probably could have been a tough guy, but he was too ensconced in divine power for us to really know what he was capable of.
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UPDATE!!
12. Gideon aka Feller of Trees (HT: Steve Evans, Blain, John Hamer)
Gideon’s worthiness in this battle is well documented.

UPDATE!! (HT: NCNT)
11. Ehud
…and the Dirt Came Out” is sufficient for me.

10. David aka The Rockchuck
David is a little bit of an interesting case, because we have the classic Quantity-Quality dispute. Everyone knows that David beat Goliath the giant with a well place stone to the forehead. Problem is, no one knows whether or not the whole stone-to-the-head thing is the sort of feat could have been repeated or whether it was complete luck. For all we know, that could have been the Ancient Israel equivalent of making a full-court shot during the half-time competition at a basketball game–it’s great, and you get free hamburgers for life, but no one actually thinks you could do it again. In fact, I don’t personally believe that it’s beyond the realm of possibility that, faced with the prospect of dueling with, say, Gideon or Helaman, the Psalmist would have turned tail and run, or perhaps called for a substitute fighter (Hey, Uriah ol’ buddy! I got a task for you…)

(Have you ever thought about how similar Goliath and Fezzik are? Seriously–think about all the lines Fezzik has in The Princess Bride, and you can totally see Goliath saying the same things. For example:

David: Goliath, how ’bout a rock to your head?
Goliath: If you do, I’ll be dead.

David: I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Goliath: It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.

Goliath: I just figured why you give me so much trouble.
David: Why’s that, do you think?
Goliath: Well, I haven’t fought just one person for so long. I’ve been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing.
David: Why should that make such a difference?
Goliath: Well, you see, you use different moves when you’re fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about … one.

Anyway, back to the point.)

9. Samson
Impressive resume, to be sure, but he’s really kind of like King Hippo in the old Punch-Out video game, except that instead of a big belly, it’s long hair. Samson would do well initially, but the second someone decides to pull his hair, he’ll hit the mat like a cold pancake.

8. The Sons of Helaman
I know, I know–they were stellar in battle, and none of them perished, so they should be higher up on the list, right? Wrong. UCF is not about killing–it’s about not having to tap out, and the record plainly shows that many of the Stripling Warriors indeed did have to tap out.

UPDATE!
7. Jael, wife of Heber

After mass (okay, two people) protests, it has come to my attention that Jael has been unforgivably omitted from my analysis. While I point out that my introductory paragraphs make clear that this list is not exhaustive, I can admit that any woman who puts a spike in a dude’s head deserves more consideration than I gave her. (Heber C. Kimball polygamy jokes sold separately)

6. Lazarus aka The Zombie
This is a controversial pick, because there is actually no record of Lazarus ever engaging in any sort of battle or combat. However, we know one very important thing about him: the dude just won’t stay dead down. This will serve him well in the octagon, perhaps into the quarterfinals, but ultimately the swords of Coriantumr or Nephi will be his undoing. No doubt, he’ll still be left calling after them as they walk away victorious.

4. (tie) Coriantumr aka Teh Shiz
The Good: Few, if any, passages of scripture display more pure grit (and gore!) than the last moments of the Jaredite wars and his epic duel with Shiz.
The Bad: He appears to have shown signs of wussiness before the final go-round with Shiz. In fact, a reasonable person could interpret his multiple attempts at striking a truce with Shiz as the Jaredite version of tapping out. Any such soft moments in the octagon would spell disaster, so Coriantumr must gird up his loins a little tighter and knock off this treaty-talk if he wants to take home the trophy.

4. (tie) Nephi, son of Lehi aka The Sword of Laban
There is some debate about where or not Nephi is truly worthy to be in this competition at all. He was overpowered on multiple occasions by his brothers–who, by all other accounts, were whiny, petulant sissies in their own right–and required divine help in nearly every case to escape: Pre-Laban spat with bros, on the boat, etc… Even his great act of courage–going back to get the brass plates alone–ended with a giant thud when big bad Laban was clearly NOT in top fighting condition. However, after much deliberation, I have decided that Nephi gets a pass because of, among other things, bowhunting skillz, computer head hacking skillz, and because all of the gospel art pictures from Primary depict him as a big burly dude that I totally wouldn’t mess with.

While both Nephi and Coriantumr would likely make their way through the first rounds of any tournament without much trouble, the problem will come when they face each other. After duking it out for several minutes, it’s plain to see that this would have to be a Rocky 2 ending, except that when they cut each others’ heads off, neither will be getting up. In addition to being a nasty affair, this dual-death likely would cause an unexpected hole in the bracket, and cause mass confusion while organizers try to rearrange things so that BYU won’t have to play on Sunday.

3. Teancum aka Jeanclaudonri Van Doriancumer
The evidence of worthiness: In addition to taking out the baddest brothers in the Book of Mormon not named Laman and Lemuel, Teancum is generally recognized as the only certified Navy SEAL in the Book of Mormon, and helped launch a successful movie career for Jean-Claude Van Damme.

(It’s common knowledge that nearly every Van Damme movie is based on the various exploits of Teancum during the war chapters in Alma.)

(The only apparent exception to this is that awful hockey movie, because, according to most experts, the Nephites weren’t really into bad films or hockey. However, this is not entirely true–There actually was a small group of hockey-loving Nephites. However, they had a falling out with their soccer-loving brethren, and, with Hagoth as their leader, sailed north in search of colder temperatures, eventually becoming Canadians.)

I don’t think that anyone disputes Teancum’s bravery, stealth, or special tactics–indeed, he is, as far as I’m aware, the only person in the scriptures to have demonstrated use of a grappling hook. As such, it would be easy to envision Teancum going all the way through the UCF Tournament undefeated. However, two factors weigh against him in the final analysis. First, both of his (still courageous) victories were over people that were…well…asleep. Second, he demonstrated a tendency to have bad aim in the clutch. These realities doom Teancum’s chances, because he could certainly not expect to find a drowsy, large-hearted opponent in …

The Final Battle

1. (tie) The She-Bear
1. (tie) Ammon

The fighting records of these two individuals speak for themselves, and I will not declare the winner. Talk amongst yourselves.

Ammon Protects the Flocks, by Matt Page

Ammon Protects the Flocks, by Matt Page

_________________

Bookmark Ultimate Church Fighting, or, Ol' Shiz Lost His Head in the Heat of Battle

Comments

  1. Fletcher says:

    Scott, FTW!!

    After reading Ardis’s stuff in the side bar, this is welcome relief.

  2. I can’t believe Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite of Judges 4 isn’t on this list. Come on. Tent spike through a man’s temple. Now that was badass.

  3. Randall says:

    Ammon cuts off 2 bear arms, cues scene of armless knight from Holy Grail. Bear turns tail. Runs.

  4. Jack,
    This would be the proper place to make such grievances!

  5. Scott, Very important and timely assessment. I however, think you forgot an important contender: Jacob. Come on the guy wrestled an angel and comes out with a bruised hip? That is some serious toughness on display. Put anyone in the cage with an angel and see if carnage doesn’t ensue. All night bout? One on one? The dude rocks.

  6. Last Lemming says:

    Scott,

    A wise man would have claimed that Jael was #7.

  7. Jack & Last Lemming,

    I have repented of my errors.

  8. Matsby will be pointing out that Bill Simmons needs to come back to church next week.

  9. I vote for The Sons of Thunder at #16 and #15, with Simon “The Rock” Peter at #14. Remember who gave them those names…

  10. I think participants in some Bloggernacle bashes should be in the running somewhere … say, the last time FAIR piled on me en masse, which even that always-above-the-fray pretty boy Ronan acknowledged in a Zeitcast required bringing out the long knives.

  11. 10: Someone is bound to point out that the Bloggernacle is not yet canonized. You pansies take the short view!

  12. Jonathan Green says:

    Other losers:
    Uriah, who lost to David when he got caught in a triangle.
    Judas Iscariot, by RNC (self-imposed)

  13. Jonathan Green says:

    And don’t forget Eve’s axe-kick to the head of Satan, which however left her with a bruised heel.

  14. Ardis,
    You have unearthed my grand schemes too quickly. There are multiple parts to this tournament; this post only dealt with the Ancients.

    (cuz you totally know that Mordecai and the wolves deserve some love, right?)

  15. Mark B. says:

    I thought it was two she-bears. Sounds like a tag team match. And, so what if they did “tare” 42 children? Hardly sounds like a fair fight.

  16. KennyBrassen says:

    Ammon wins hands…err…arms down. There is no doubt. The guy makes Rambo look like a girl scout.

    Question: Would this tournament be pay-per-view on KBYU?

  17. Mark,
    Sure, it’s not tough to whup 1 kid…maybe even 2 or 3 or 4. But the time you’ve got the whole Junior AND Senior primaries on top of you, it’s trouble.

  18. Mike M. says:

    Where do you draw the line for inclusion into the tourney? The she-bear is the only non-human. But what about other non-humans. I’d rank the plague of locusts pretty high. If all those locusts were focused on one person, then that person would go down for the count. But what about inanimate objects, like an earthquake from 3 Nephi? The earthquake could just open up the ground to dispose of its opponent.

  19. Mike M.,
    This is to say nothing of my exclusion of Cureloms. Curelom bites can be very nasty indeed.

  20. Mike M. says:

    Yeah, any animal that sounds like it came from Tatooine will have a nasty bite.

  21. Normally I would say the Jonah whale is a formidable opponent, but I think we can conclude that it was a pacifist since it didn’t even digest Jonah after swallowing him.

    She-Bears are #1 for sure. Not only amazing strength but her head is actually bigger than Aamon’s head. As SteveP can tell you, that means the brain is bigger, more strategizing. TKO: She-Bear (Tare Knock Out).

  22. Stephen Colbert says:
  23. Matt W. says:

    Shamgar and his Oxgoad should totally be on this list.

  24. Mark B. says:

    Can’t we call them “da Bears”?

  25. John Hamer says:

    Yay: I was going to campaign for Jael too. Tent-spike to the head! Bam! Don’t mess with the wife of a Kenite.

  26. If ancients it must be, then I nominate Simeon and Levi, tag-teaming with the mohel — Genesis 34.

  27. How would Ammon do against Bear Grylls?

  28. I believe that what is being exposed more than anything else here is my shoddy knowledge of Old Testament Fighting History. Next time the OT comes around in Sunday school, I will pay less attention to the spiritual schlock and focus on the tent stakes and oxgoads.

  29. Matsby,

    Born Survivor =/= Born Fighter. I think Grylls is more of the Samuel the Lamanite sort–all defense, no offense.

  30. 29. I dunno. He can hold his own against a fish.

  31. Holden Caulfield says:

    Shiz wins in my books, raising on both hands and gasping for breath after his head was gone. That’s determination. He felt, I guess, it was a mere flesh wound.

  32. Ardis (26),
    You are correct. I have updated the post to include the tag-team of Simeon & Levi.

  33. Holden,
    Your case is just, but I can do nothing for you: Shiz was a bad guy.

  34. Steve Evans says:

    How about Gideon? Epic training sequences (drink from a stream like a dog? You’re in), midnight stealth raids with terror tactics, spoils of war-o-plenty. Dies of old age.

  35. TrevorM says:

    Elijah, definitely Elijah.

    He called down fire from heaven and slew 400 priests of Baal with the sword

    http://scriptures.lds.org/en/1_kgs/18/32-38,40

  36. NoCoolName_Tom says:

    I’d also put Ehud on the list, if only because I still remember our seminary class groaning over the wonderfully detailed imagery of his assasination of the Moabite king who had conquered the Israelite tribes.

    I even made up a verse of “Follow the Prophet” for him on my mission.

    Ehud was a Prophet
    Raised up by the Lord –
    Stabbed a very fat man
    With a homemade sword!
    Ehud by his acts
    Brought freedom to the land;
    Ehud is a hero
    For those with strong left hands!

  37. The obruni says:

    I am inspired and can no longer read passively from the sidelines. So where is the love for Jonathan? A body count wasn’t enough; his combat achievements had to be measured in terms of surface area.

  38. cahkaylahlee says:

    This reminded me of a song called “Nun Fight,” which you can enjoy here:

    http://www.thesixtyone.com/#/paulandstorm/song/Nun+Fight/7978/

  39. Mark B. says:

    Steve: go read Judges again. Drink like a dog, you’re out. You gotta scoop up the water with your hand so you can keep an eye out for danger.

    Obviously, you’d ‘a’ been sent home.

  40. Mark B. says:

    Simeon and Levi win mad points for dirty fighting–“while they were yet sore” is one of the most painful phrases in all of holy writ.

    Speaking of which, what on earth is holy about that??

  41. Travis S. says:

    one of my favorite posts in a long time!

    except for the inclusion of Michael. He took down Lucifer-as-dragon. Either way, that’s serious stuff and he should be a top 5 pick at least.

  42. Kevin Barney says:

    I just finished reading this post as I watch The Ultimate Fighter on Spike. My two worlds come together at last!

  43. #7 Scott B., yay. I rejoice.

  44. I gotta represent for my homey, Gideon. You’re missing the best part — “My army is too big. If you’ve got a young family, go home. If you want to go, go home. If you drink funny, go home. We’re going to lick the other guys with one and a half hands tied behind our back.” Total precursor for the Battle of Agincourt. And that’s after asking God for ID when he showed up to tell him to raise the army in the first place — this boy clanged when he walked.

    However, rank 0 has to be God, who gave all these guys their smack-down power. The Gideon story most clearly makes the point that the strength that won the day was God’s.

  45. This was a great and funny post. Although your Moroni and Teancum entries are missing some details that could affect their ranking:
    Moroni fought an army of the Lamanites in Alma 52:32-34 and Alma 43-44 that was desperate and fighting with “exceeding fury” or “like Dragons”, and its strongly implied that he fought hand to hand with both enemy leaders. Moroni was wounded in the second battle but later led a Teancum like scouting expedition as well in Alma 62:20.
    Finally I have written a post that describes how Moroni would be classified as a genius by Carl Von Clausewitz.(here: http://mormonwar.blogspot.com/2009/01/clausewitz-on-captain-moronis-genius.html ) Thus if you count his ability to win a UFC match through his wits then he should be ranked much higher, even if its less sexy than she bears.

    And Teancum “headed” not one but two armies that were aiming for the narrow neck of land. (Morianton and Almalickiah) And at least one of those armies was much greater in size. Then he “harrassed them” untill nightfall, implying a running battle that could have resulted in a counter ambush by the retreating forces. And finally, when everybody else was exhausted and sleeping he had the stamina for some extra curricular activities.

    Again thanks for the post. Warfare in the scriptures is my favorite topic to study, so its nice to feel useful once in awhile.

  46. John Hamer says:

    Evans (34): I feel like the entire Gideon story is just one long musical montage. It’s like a series of scenes sending more and more warriors away to the sounds of “Highway to the Danger Zone.”

  47. Steve Evans says:

    TOTALLY!! Sepia-toned skies over occupied Palestine as the warriors lap water from their hands.

  48. #43 – Blain, my oldest son says to tell you that you are his new hero.

  49. 47 — That’s very nice, but Gideon is the hero here.

  50. Yahweh Seba’ot.

  51. I do have some concerns about Ammon. He does seem the obvious choice, but is prone to Mw/oTT (monologuing without trash talking) The whole “I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak” bit can’t be comforting to those betting on him). I think the she bear would be wise to surround him with people he really loves but hasn’t seen in a long time-exploiting his joy weakness. Maybe she can bribe Lamoni into faking joy and collapsing near Ammon. You also have to question Ammon’s heart. Sure he cuts off arms, but he LEADS people to become pacifist. You do have to wonder.

    I’m also wondering who Ehud will fight…his success seems to depend on girth. Perhaps David? Sending other people to do your fighting and writing Psalms doesn’t seem like the best pre-competition exercise routine, although his extra curricular activities might keep him fit.

    I’m more of a Teancum gal…strategy and courage in huge amounts.

  52. Thank you, thank you for addressing this neglected topic.

  53. Michael says:

    Elijah needs to rank high, probably between 10 and 14. Remember the smackdown on the priests of Baal? Granted, those guys had some problems with cutting, but when you take out the opponents, the ring, and even the moat around the ring, that’s calling down some serious +7 thunderbolts.

    If we are allowed to pull from the bush leagues (Book of Jasher), we might try bringing the sons of Joseph up from the minor leagues. Ephraim and Manassah made quite a show of smashing boulders with their bare hands and knocking out the guards. I don’t remember any other specific details off the top of my head, but they might be up for an exhibition match. Might have a hard time pulling Ephraim out of family court, though – he and his wife seem to subscribe to this theory of “there’s always room for one more” and they keep adopting kids….

  54. I always imagined Nephi was pretty tough, but you’ve made some great points which have caused me to doubt.

    And I thank you.

  55. This post is pure awesome.

  56. Abinadi deserves to be somewhere on this list–I mean, yeah, he kept getting caught and imprisoned by King Noah, but calling down curses on your captors while you’re being burned up’s gotta count for some kind of courage.

  57. No attribution to The Sports Guy (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090415)? For shame!

  58. pb–So this is what the other person is talking about (Ryan above mentioned Bill Simmons, too). I’m not sure I follow; I was unaware of the (apparent) monopoly Bill has on lists.

  59. Morgan Deane (44)–Okay, fine. So Moroni did get his hands dirty a bit. However, I stand by my ranking, for both him and Teancum…except that…

    britt (50.)–Thank you for reminding us that, in fact, Ammon was kind of a spazz. Had I considered his over-the-top rejoicing before I wrote this post, I may have put Teancum in the final round.

    Great comments all around–I just made a handful of updates, but there are plenty more open slots remaining.

  60. You don’t need to get defensive. If you are going to make rankings based on the scriptures you should know them a little better and not be surprised that people “show you the evidence” after you ask for it. ACCEPT that.

  61. Ronan (#49) beat me to the punch. It’s not even a contest.

  62. If it’s a hand to hand thing, it’s clearly Ammon. If it’s a blood-on-your-hands thing then (excluding Deity) it’s Joshua.

  63. Yo Mo-Deane– I think you harsh on me too quickly. My response to britt (50.) showed you that I agreed with you.

    B-rad (via Ronan), It goes without saying that Deity is excluded. (quietly ignoring the fact that most of the heroic acts were done with power from on high).

  64. Maybe. As I said before I enjoyed the post, I just don’t appreciate having my comment seemingly dumped on when I positively contribute to the discussion.
    Peace out.

  65. Morgan–who dumped on you or your comment? (No Eglon jokes, please) Please re-read my response to your first comment and ask if you’re not, just perhaps, over-reacting here.

  66. Moses is much more of a badass than he gets credit for here. Killed an Egyption, wasn’t afraid of the burning bush, called down plagues on all of Egypt, faced down the armies of Pharaoh, parted the sea, drowned Pharaoh’s armies. What more do you want? In terms of sheer body count, he wins, and he shows a ton of endurance as well.

  67. Steve Evans says:

    The only thing better than a ridiculous discussion is seeing people throw hissy fits when their asinine points aren’t taken seriously as part of the calculus in the ridiculous discussion.

  68. All part of the smackdown, though, right?

  69. 57: Not just any list, Scott B., just those designed in precisely this way. I’ll charitably accept your assurance that you’ve never heard of ESPN’s The Sport’s Guy (who is well known for this style of list).

  70. pb,
    I never said I’ve never heard of him–Simmons is hilarious, if a bit crude. The fact that you’re saying my post is like his is, really kind of flattering, except that I kinda-sorta think you mean it as a criticism. Since I’m an optimist, though, I’ll pretend you’re giving me kudos anyway.

    (For full disclosure, I will reveal my source of inspiration for this post: 1. Cracked.com’s list of movies with the biggest plot holes. 2. John C.’s old post about a tournament involving Mormon culture.)

  71. At the risk of a thread jack, how are my original points “asinine” Steven Evans? Even if I misunderstood Steve B. that seems like an incredibly rude thing to say.

  72. Steve Evans says:

    They’re asinine because you appear to be foolish, or ass-like, for taking a ridiculous post so seriously. Also, you’re wrong – Clausewitz would respect Moroni for getting Lamanites drunk and digging ditches around cities? Baron VC would pat Moroni on the head nicely before kicking him squarely in the balls.

  73. Its tough to convey tone over the internet but my post was informative but relaxed, not quite with the ass like seriousness that you read. (You mean people may misunderstand me? nooooo) I am not going to apologize for bringing my research to bear on the subject, especially when its asked for in the OP.

    I often see this bumper sticker that says “Keep working: millions on welfare depend on you” and I thought about you. “Keep on posting Steve Evans- many people’s blogs depend on your douchebaggery.” You never dissapoint, and I have one more reminder of why I rarely post on here.

  74. Apologies — I misunderstood. I assumed that anyone who reads Simmons would recognize the reference in #9 (see # 57).

    As to a substantive comparison of your writing — I know Simmons. . . Simmons is a friend of mine. . . .

    But enough of this — back to Steve taking Morgan’s seriousness too serious.

  75. pb,

    I’m utterly confused about what you’re talking about. I looked at every possible combination of 9 and 57 (in my both my rankings and comments, as well as the BS link you gave), and cannot find any connection.

    That’s wonderful that you know Bill.

  76. Oops — #8.

    (I don’t really know Bill. You must be young.)

  77. pb–
    Changing it to #8 doesn’t really help. I’m afraid you’ll have to spell it out for me here–I don’t read BS very often.

    As to the rest, I will concede that I missed the Dan Quayle joke. Well played.

    I think only one person in the Morgan-Steve battle is being serious.

  78. Can you do one about which women in the scriptures were most attractive: Bathsheba vs. Eve, Queen of Sheba vs. Isabel, etc.?

  79. Scott you have nothing to fear from pb. You’re WAY better than Bill Simmons.

    re: douchebaggery, it takes one to know one, I suppose, but I insist that you are misconstruing my cologne, which is basically vinegar and water.

  80. Okay, but you’re testing my patience, Dan. Ryan references Simmons in #8. I reference Simmons in #56. In #57, you say, “So this is what the other person is talking about (Ryan above mentioned Bill Simmons, too),” presumably referring to #8. From this, I assume that you are not familiar with Simmons and his well-known use of the style of list you employ in this post (#68). But you assure me that, in fact, you are quite familiar with Simmons, whose writing you admire (#69). And in ##73 & 75, I explain that I assumed that you were not familiar with Simmons’ writing based on your statement that you did not understand the Simmons reference in #8.

    That was so not worth it.

  81. Steve & Scott sittin’ in a tree. . . .

  82. Okay–we be talking past each other, pb, that’s all. I thought you were saying I had written some particular phrase that Simmons had written, and was totally lost.

    Style of list? Meh. I left a bunch of gaps (I can see how that would appear to be like BS’s in retrospect, sure) because I knew people would suggest lost of people I missed, and didn’t want to have to re-rank everyone for any new additions.

    As for Bill Simmon’s list articles, I rarely, if ever, read those. I like his ESPNMag articles much more.

  83. Did Bill Simmons invent the Deal-A-Meal nutritional system? If so then I can understand all the fuss.

  84. It’s interesting because Scott’s writting normally reminds me of Richard Simmons.

  85. I’ve always heard that he’s more like JK Simmons:

    http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=53495460

  86. The part about Nephi being a magician I thought was a bit like JK Rowling.

  87. Okay, I am shutting down the comments on this thread now.

  88. Just kidding, I can’t do that.

  89. Steve Evans says:

    Phew!

  90. Re: Yahweh. I don’t think he should be excluded. Yahweh Seba’ot is not the deity you worship.

  91. Steve Evans says:

    If you’re including Yahweh Seba’ot then I want to include Gozer (and Zuul).

  92. Actually you are all overlooking Heth (son of Com – Ether 1:26). Not a lot said about him but the Lord has revealed* this truth to me.

    * by revealed I mean I used the infallible missionary method of asking a question out loud, and then randomly flipping the pages of the Book of Mormon and jamming a finger in to get the truth in the revealed scripture said finger lands on. This revelatory technique has been field tested by missionaries for generations and is completely reliable when wielded by a spiritual giant like me.

  93. Samson by “ground and pound”.

    David by gogoplata.

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