It is June, and with it the season of barbecue is upon us. How to combine BCC’s two great loves: lording our elitism over others, and BBQ? Why, by hosting a barbecue contest. Read on, weaklings.
BCC’s Flame War Barbecue Contest is just another way we’d like to remind the Bloggernacle that we are superior to all. This year’s contest features prizes in each meat category (Brisket, Pork Ribs, Pork (Shoulder or Butt), Creative*), as well as a Grand Champion category, which requires entry in all meat categories. There are no vegetarian categories. Finally, we are including a dessert category, which requires one of three dessert subcategories: Chocolate Chip Cookie, Frozen or “Peach.” One entry per team or individual per category.
Each contestant or team must enlist prior to St. Jean-Baptiste Day by emailing us at the contact email under “info & contact” on the left sidebar. Judges will consist of a four-member panel: Steve Evans, a Random John, J. Stapley, and Mr. Poll. Judges may also compete, with their results averaged between the other two judges and Mr. Poll. Mr. Poll’s results are determined by a poll at BCC of all entries in that category. Human judges will award points in three categories: Appearance, Barbecuicity, and Flair. No, we will not explain what those categories mean. Individuals and teams will participate in the same categories for the same prizes. Additional rules in each category will be supplied to entrants upon receipt of their email.
All entries must be verified by the Law of Witnesses. This means that each entry must be sampled by at least two unrelated witnesses who are also bloggernacle commenters, who must be cc’d on the entry email. If the witnesses deem the entry unworthy, it may not be submitted. In addition to photographs of entries, each entry must include full recipes as well as a description of the accompanying bacchanalia. All entry emails must be received prior to Liberian Independence Day. Winners will be decided prior to Labor Day.
Prizes are as follows:
1st Place in each category: a Flame War t-shirt and guest post at BCC
2nd Place: a set of steak knives
3rd Place: hit the bricks.
GRAND CHAMPION PRIZE: a Flame War t-shirt, a guest post at BCC AND admin privileges at BCC for one day.
Baptists may not enter.
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* Creative means chicken, fish or creative hamburgers. It is the telestial category.
June 8, 2009 at 1:03 pm
No tofu on the creative category?
June 8, 2009 at 1:06 pm
There are no vegetarian categories.
June 8, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I live in Texas, I don’t cook Barbeque, I drive to Cooper’s or Rudy’s. Nothing I can do can beat Cooper’s Brisket and nothing I can do can Beat Rudy’s BBQ Sauce (And you are obviously a BBQ Luddite, you didn’t even have sauce as a category).
June 8, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Matt W., what kind of wacko place in Texas serves sauce without meat?
June 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Why is there no roadkill category? My mission in the Ozarks was not wasted! Coon brisket medley, Crunchy possum moonshine legs in hickory smoke sauce, whole seared squirrel-dove in blueberry jam. Your citified biases disgust me (or is that what you meant by creative?).
June 8, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Evans,
In Texas, real bbq is sauce free. Smoked beef. That’s it. Sauce is a myth. (Mind you, I’m just articulating a theory of bbq to which I do not personally subscribe).
June 8, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Bradley, I am aware of such things. My Texan wife reminds me of the parochial roasting practices of her people. But apparently Matt W. just likes to choke down a bottle of sauce or something.
June 8, 2009 at 1:21 pm
A Canadian and a guy that makes artificial sugars, judging a BBQ cookoff by email? The cheating possibilities are endless. Time to make a trip to Dixie’s in Bellevue….
June 8, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I’ve got my eye on you kevin. Don’t think I don’t know your heart.
June 8, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Brad: You got me, I am a New Order Texan.
June 8, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Steve, I know you despise all things Eastside , but HAVE YOU MET THE MAN????
June 8, 2009 at 1:36 pm
It is on! Behold my succulent, smoky ribs and tremble!
June 8, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I’m assuming that roadkill could go under “creative hamburgers.”
June 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I think Steve is compensating for the fact that he is not a red-blooded American. Those of us descended from both cattle and sheep ranchers have no need to prove ourselves in such a manner. Of course, we’re also a little schizophrenic what with the cattle vs. sheep thing, but one learns to be ecumenical when it comes to red meat.
June 8, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I thought “Mr. Poll” would be John C. He’s from the South, you know, so he’d make a good judge. I’d be happy to assist him. =)
June 8, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Wm, I had you figured as one descended from cattle and a sheep rancher.
June 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm
There are two rules in Texas: You shouldn’t need sauce, and you shouldn’t need teeth.
June 8, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Wm’s bovine characteristics are a big part of his charm. Plus, if things go Donner party in the bloggernacle, he will be better eating than most.
June 8, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I would like to volenteer to be a tasting witness for any and all of you who will be barbequing in the greater Salt Lake area.
Let me know.
June 8, 2009 at 2:09 pm
SoCal entrants can rely on my unbiased assessment of meaty-goodness. I may also need a judge or two…
June 8, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I will feed two witnesses and their families in Baltimore.
June 8, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Tom, Avon Barksdale and Bubbles can be your witnesses.
June 8, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Hmm . . . you made me realize that being a witness in Baltimore may not be too appealing a proposition. Just ask William Gant.
June 8, 2009 at 3:46 pm
There is a BCC BBQ Witness Protection Program.
June 8, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Mark Brown, I think Left Field, you, and I would cover the Law of Witnesses for each other. We would love to include Sister Brown, though her vote would not count unless she comments under an alias (goodness, I hope I haven’t inadvertently insulted her.)
Pick a date, dude. Do you have a smoker?
Alternately, we are thinking about a road trip to Leatha’s, in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. We couldn’t enter it in the contest, but I have it on good authority that it’s the third best barbecue in these United States of America, and there would be no dishes to wash when we’re done.
June 8, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I’m not a stud grill man like the rest of y’all, but this post was well timed. Reading it made me hungry, and as it so happened I came home to homemade barbecued pulled pork sandwiches.
June 8, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Anyone know if FedEx has a policy against shipping cooked meat? Because maybe I could be your witness even if you don’t like in Salt Lake.
June 8, 2009 at 6:09 pm
BBQ Story–
I had my first BBQ’d Turkey Burger yesterday. I enjoyed it.
June 8, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Turkey burger is surprisingly good. I don’t like to eat “cute” animals, so I have been experimenting with it as a substitute for beef.
June 8, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Haven’t read anything here — too busy! — but saw the artwork you did for the flamewar and wanted to say that it rocks! Good job.
June 8, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Won’t enter the meat part but a dessert is doable — kristine n can be a judge — anybody else out there in the Greater Lafayette, Indiana area?
June 8, 2009 at 8:14 pm
By the way, anyone traveling through Texas who wants to read reviews of different BBQ places throughout the state (including ratings): http://www.fullcustomgospelbbq.com/
June 8, 2009 at 8:19 pm
There is no such thing as a BBQ Turkey Burger. It cannot exist.
Natalie, cute animals taste better. Try veal.
June 8, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I am Logan. I can’t be the only one, right? Too far from SLC, Matsby? a Random John? (There is no rule against feeding a judge, right?)
June 9, 2009 at 5:46 am
“I don’t like to eat ‘cute’ animals, so I have been experimenting with it as a substitute for beef.” Now, there’s a non sequitur.
Tom, I may be able to witness your barbeque in Baltimore. Call 301-740-7673. Reminds me of a story of one evening driving back into Baltimore on the Pulaski Highway . . .
June 9, 2009 at 8:21 am
I was watching Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel last night. He was in Peru, and ate a delicacy I haven’t had since my Bolivian mission.
Anyone going to make grilled guinea pig?
I hear hamster makes a nice finger food.
June 9, 2009 at 8:23 am
#31 Maryaa,
I am in Plainfield, IN, west of Indy. Let me know if you need me to make the huge sacrifice of trying your dessert. I promise to give you high marks.
Anyone else want to bribe me?
June 9, 2009 at 8:26 am
Who else is in the Seattle area besides me, Steve and Sumer, Aaron B, and kevinf? I’m sure there is a pile, but I can’t think up any more. Parkins up and moved to Utah. There’s my lurker friend who works with my wife, but I don’t think he’s ever commented anywhere yet.
Anyway, judging each other’s handiwork sounds fabulous. I could do something nice in the creative category…
June 9, 2009 at 8:39 am
Ben, there’s a few. Patricia lives on Bainbridge. There are a few others.
June 9, 2009 at 9:05 am
Tom, if you’re still looking for another witness, I’m game. Email me: tspack at gmail. I’d be happy to be the witness for anyone else in the DC metro area (and since I’m new here, my definition of “metro area” is a little undefined, so you could probably live quite a ways away and I’d come).
June 9, 2009 at 9:18 am
You know, there’s a lotta witnesses out there but very few elect BBQers!
June 9, 2009 at 10:31 am
I thought this was a bloggersnacker invitation. Grumble.
June 9, 2009 at 10:58 am
I hereby challenge all comers in the SLC area. Taste my flatiron steak and despair!
June 9, 2009 at 11:12 am
Hey Tanya, I live in Northern Virginia! I don’t have a grill though….maybe this is the summer to get one.
June 9, 2009 at 11:14 am
MCQ, I imagine that your steak would be a cause of great despair indeed. “Flatiron” describes the steak’s ultimate texture and taste, unfortunately.
June 9, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Nitsav,
I read this partly as a call to organize a bunch of little local blog-beques. Yes I did just make up that word.
Also, I’m going to rock the dessert category.
June 9, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Ben is right – this contest requires local bloggersnackers.
June 9, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Hey, would brownies with chocolate chips in them count as chocolate chip cookies? I certainly think so. And these brownies rock….with no cheating involved.
I’d be in for a Seattle Blog-BQ, so let’s set a date. We should be able to have two of the judges on hand, unless it is on the eastside, in which case Steve Evans is bound by Canadian law not to cross the 520 bridge. Or so I have heard.
June 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm
MCQ, bring it!
June 9, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Kevin, Ben – we need multiple dates, as I am going for the Grand Champion spot. I can probably do two items at a time but will still need a couple of weekends.
Also, Kevin — surely you jest. Take those bushleague brownie antics somewhere else. Maybe FMH or M*.
June 9, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Steve, seriously, you’ve never tasted these bro…chocolate chip cookies in a square, thick, shape with chocolate chips, pecans, extra dark cocoa, and a chewy texture that is celestial in nature. Judge not, lest ye be judged!
June 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Perhaps the rules were unclear on this point?
btw – turns out I am a judge.
June 9, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Well, don’t judge yourself out of yummy brownies, judge. Think Specialty Bakery bro… excuse me, chocolate chip cookies, but just one step shy of completely over the top excessive culinary overload. Rich, tasty, and without an accompanying defibrillator.
June 9, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Hey, I’ll eat ‘em, don’t get me wrong, but no way will they earn you a First Place prize.
June 9, 2009 at 5:46 pm
34 – I haven’t ever heard of this town called Logan. But I would be happy to look for it on a map if there was free meat involved.
June 9, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Steve, your flatiron ignorance is apalling and does not augur well for your chances of winning. You can be excused only by your nascent citizenship.
June 9, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Too bad steak is not one of the categories, sucka.
June 9, 2009 at 8:18 pm
What about the creative category? You sayin’s steak ain’t creative? You lose again.
June 9, 2009 at 8:24 pm
“Hmmm, I really want to be creative. Let’s see….. OK, I’ll grill a steak.”
June 9, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Obviously, you haven’t had my flatiron steak.
June 9, 2009 at 9:29 pm
There are so many logistical problems with this contest, starting with the fact that I think I’m not going to be getting any of those celestial-category brownies.
June 10, 2009 at 7:06 am
Steve Evans is a judge and a contestant?
June 10, 2009 at 7:37 am
John, correct – see the rules in the OP. Not to worry, there are enough independent sources to make sure I don’t just declare myself a winner.
June 10, 2009 at 8:59 am
“Baptists may not enter”
June 10, 2009 at 9:01 am
SP, you’re the first to get the reference!
June 10, 2009 at 9:10 am
No, he wasn’t!
June 10, 2009 at 9:14 am
well, now you’re all just trying to get on the bandwagon. Sorry, but SP was the smartest.
June 10, 2009 at 10:57 am
No way. I totally got it in the OP. And the book was way better than the movie.
I would say that’s kinda like how my entry will be way better than others’, but I haven’t sampled your wares, and I’m aware of my own limitations.
Yeah, I’m no good at trash talking.
June 10, 2009 at 11:13 am
Ben,
So you read the book and watched the movie?
June 10, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Scott,
Robert Farrell Smith books are pretty funny. Possibly as funny as Matsby.
As I recall, the movie was better than Halestorm fare, but still a bit lacking.
June 10, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Hmm, nice way to comment on the barbecue I’m having at my house on June 12 and the general invitation I issued to bloggernacle types who were interested in attending (though you still need to RSVP — we’ve at least forty people coming for barbecue, blue bell icecream and brownies).
June 10, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Blue Bell! Don’t tell my wife.
June 10, 2009 at 7:36 pm
You know, I would issue a call, but I don’t think I know of any bloggers in my neck o’ the woods…
June 10, 2009 at 8:26 pm
It’s worth a drive Tracy!
June 10, 2009 at 9:11 pm
>Possibly as funny as Matsby.
Okay, you just lost whatever credibility that was remaining after you admitted to watching and reading Baptists@RBBQ. It’s time to stop.
June 10, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Steve, BlueBell will overnight 4 half gallons. Always wanted to see how well it works. What’s Sumer’s favorite flavor? Now if we could only get The Salt Lick to send the cole slaw….
June 10, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Molly, their speckled vanilla bean is what makes her a-flutter. I trust that you and Roy will come over for one of the BBQ events?
June 11, 2009 at 2:55 am
Molly! How could I forget that you’re in Seattle (when you’re not across the mountains)? Sorry about that. It would great to see you and Roy at a get-together.
Scott, as part of my repentance, I’ll re-read Neal Stephenson’s Baroque Cycle and Bushman’s Rough Stone Rolling.
June 11, 2009 at 2:58 am
correction to previous post: The penultimate sentence should begin “It would _be_ great to….”
[Yes, it's late. I'm taking a break from my final group theory homework assignment. Young Tableaux are sure handy for decomposing tensor products into irreducible representations!]
June 11, 2009 at 9:59 am
I own Baptists at My Barbeque on DVD. In fact I own all the Mormon DVDs. They may not be Citizen Cane, but I love me some Mormon culture.
I have also been doing a lot of thinking about barbeques lately. Maybe I’ll be hosting my own.
June 11, 2009 at 10:02 am
I’m thinking about an alternative-version Bible story where Adam’s son becomes a wealthy paper magnate and dies alone in his stately mansion. Citizen Cain.
June 11, 2009 at 10:03 am
Steve – FTW
June 12, 2009 at 12:32 pm
MaryAA–I’ll bring pulled pork if you bring dessert!