Prepare every needful thing… FOR BBQ.

flamewarIt is June, and with it the season of barbecue is upon us. How to combine BCC’s two great loves: lording our elitism over others, and BBQ? Why, by hosting a barbecue contest. Read on, weaklings.

BCC’s Flame War Barbecue Contest is just another way we’d like to remind the Bloggernacle that we are superior to all. This year’s contest features prizes in each meat category (Brisket, Pork Ribs, Pork (Shoulder or Butt), Creative*), as well as a Grand Champion category, which requires entry in all meat categories. There are no vegetarian categories. Finally, we are including a dessert category, which requires one of three dessert subcategories: Chocolate Chip Cookie, Frozen or “Peach.” One entry per team or individual per category.

Each contestant or team must enlist prior to St. Jean-Baptiste Day by emailing us at the contact email under “info & contact” on the left sidebar. Judges will consist of a four-member panel: Steve Evans, a Random John, J. Stapley, and Mr. Poll. Judges may also compete, with their results averaged between the other two judges and Mr. Poll. Mr. Poll’s results are determined by a poll at BCC of all entries in that category. Human judges will award points in three categories: Appearance, Barbecuicity, and Flair. No, we will not explain what those categories mean. Individuals and teams will participate in the same categories for the same prizes. Additional rules in each category will be supplied to entrants upon receipt of their email.

All entries must be verified by the Law of Witnesses. This means that each entry must be sampled by at least two unrelated witnesses who are also bloggernacle commenters, who must be cc’d on the entry email. If the witnesses deem the entry unworthy, it may not be submitted. In addition to photographs of entries, each entry must include full recipes as well as a description of the accompanying bacchanalia. All entry emails must be received prior to Liberian Independence Day. Winners will be decided prior to Labor Day.

Prizes are as follows:

1st Place in each category: a Flame War t-shirt and guest post at BCC
2nd Place: a set of steak knives
3rd Place: hit the bricks.

GRAND CHAMPION PRIZE: a Flame War t-shirt, a guest post at BCC AND admin privileges at BCC for one day.

Baptists may not enter.

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* Creative means chicken, fish or creative hamburgers. It is the telestial category.

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Comments

  1. StillConfused says:

    No tofu on the creative category?

  2. There are no vegetarian categories.

  3. Matt W. says:

    I live in Texas, I don’t cook Barbeque, I drive to Cooper’s or Rudy’s. Nothing I can do can beat Cooper’s Brisket and nothing I can do can Beat Rudy’s BBQ Sauce (And you are obviously a BBQ Luddite, you didn’t even have sauce as a category).

  4. Matt W., what kind of wacko place in Texas serves sauce without meat?

  5. Why is there no roadkill category? My mission in the Ozarks was not wasted! Coon brisket medley, Crunchy possum moonshine legs in hickory smoke sauce, whole seared squirrel-dove in blueberry jam. Your citified biases disgust me (or is that what you meant by creative?).

  6. Evans,
    In Texas, real bbq is sauce free. Smoked beef. That’s it. Sauce is a myth. (Mind you, I’m just articulating a theory of bbq to which I do not personally subscribe).

  7. Bradley, I am aware of such things. My Texan wife reminds me of the parochial roasting practices of her people. But apparently Matt W. just likes to choke down a bottle of sauce or something.

  8. A Canadian and a guy that makes artificial sugars, judging a BBQ cookoff by email? The cheating possibilities are endless. Time to make a trip to Dixie’s in Bellevue….

  9. I’ve got my eye on you kevin. Don’t think I don’t know your heart.

  10. Matt W. says:

    Brad: You got me, I am a New Order Texan.

  11. Steve, I know you despise all things Eastside , but HAVE YOU MET THE MAN????

  12. S.P. Bailey says:

    It is on! Behold my succulent, smoky ribs and tremble!

  13. Natalie B. says:

    I’m assuming that roadkill could go under “creative hamburgers.”

  14. I think Steve is compensating for the fact that he is not a red-blooded American. Those of us descended from both cattle and sheep ranchers have no need to prove ourselves in such a manner. Of course, we’re also a little schizophrenic what with the cattle vs. sheep thing, but one learns to be ecumenical when it comes to red meat.

  15. I thought “Mr. Poll” would be John C. He’s from the South, you know, so he’d make a good judge. I’d be happy to assist him. =)

  16. Wm, I had you figured as one descended from cattle and a sheep rancher.

  17. There are two rules in Texas: You shouldn’t need sauce, and you shouldn’t need teeth.

  18. S.P. Bailey says:

    Wm’s bovine characteristics are a big part of his charm. Plus, if things go Donner party in the bloggernacle, he will be better eating than most.

  19. I would like to volenteer to be a tasting witness for any and all of you who will be barbequing in the greater Salt Lake area.

    Let me know.

  20. SoCal entrants can rely on my unbiased assessment of meaty-goodness. I may also need a judge or two…

  21. I will feed two witnesses and their families in Baltimore.

  22. Steve Evans says:

    Tom, Avon Barksdale and Bubbles can be your witnesses.

  23. Hmm . . . you made me realize that being a witness in Baltimore may not be too appealing a proposition. Just ask William Gant.

  24. Steve Evans says:

    There is a BCC BBQ Witness Protection Program.

  25. Mark Brown, I think Left Field, you, and I would cover the Law of Witnesses for each other. We would love to include Sister Brown, though her vote would not count unless she comments under an alias (goodness, I hope I haven’t inadvertently insulted her.)

    Pick a date, dude. Do you have a smoker?

    Alternately, we are thinking about a road trip to Leatha’s, in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. We couldn’t enter it in the contest, but I have it on good authority that it’s the third best barbecue in these United States of America, and there would be no dishes to wash when we’re done.

  26. Kevin Barney says:

    I’m not a stud grill man like the rest of y’all, but this post was well timed. Reading it made me hungry, and as it so happened I came home to homemade barbecued pulled pork sandwiches.

  27. Anyone know if FedEx has a policy against shipping cooked meat? Because maybe I could be your witness even if you don’t like in Salt Lake.

  28. BBQ Story–

    I had my first BBQ’d Turkey Burger yesterday. I enjoyed it.

  29. Natalie B. says:

    Turkey burger is surprisingly good. I don’t like to eat “cute” animals, so I have been experimenting with it as a substitute for beef.

  30. Matt Evans says:

    Haven’t read anything here — too busy! — but saw the artwork you did for the flamewar and wanted to say that it rocks! Good job.

  31. Won’t enter the meat part but a dessert is doable — kristine n can be a judge — anybody else out there in the Greater Lafayette, Indiana area?

  32. By the way, anyone traveling through Texas who wants to read reviews of different BBQ places throughout the state (including ratings): http://www.fullcustomgospelbbq.com/

  33. There is no such thing as a BBQ Turkey Burger. It cannot exist.

    Natalie, cute animals taste better. Try veal.

  34. I am Logan. I can’t be the only one, right? Too far from SLC, Matsby? a Random John? (There is no rule against feeding a judge, right?)

  35. John Mansfield says:

    “I don’t like to eat ‘cute’ animals, so I have been experimenting with it as a substitute for beef.” Now, there’s a non sequitur.

    Tom, I may be able to witness your barbeque in Baltimore. Call 301-740-7673. Reminds me of a story of one evening driving back into Baltimore on the Pulaski Highway . . .

  36. I was watching Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel last night. He was in Peru, and ate a delicacy I haven’t had since my Bolivian mission.

    Anyone going to make grilled guinea pig?

    I hear hamster makes a nice finger food.

  37. #31 Maryaa,

    I am in Plainfield, IN, west of Indy. Let me know if you need me to make the huge sacrifice of trying your dessert. I promise to give you high marks.

    Anyone else want to bribe me?

  38. Who else is in the Seattle area besides me, Steve and Sumer, Aaron B, and kevinf? I’m sure there is a pile, but I can’t think up any more. Parkins up and moved to Utah. There’s my lurker friend who works with my wife, but I don’t think he’s ever commented anywhere yet.

    Anyway, judging each other’s handiwork sounds fabulous. I could do something nice in the creative category…

  39. Ben, there’s a few. Patricia lives on Bainbridge. There are a few others.

  40. Tom, if you’re still looking for another witness, I’m game. Email me: tspack at gmail. I’d be happy to be the witness for anyone else in the DC metro area (and since I’m new here, my definition of “metro area” is a little undefined, so you could probably live quite a ways away and I’d come).

  41. Steve Evans says:

    You know, there’s a lotta witnesses out there but very few elect BBQers!

  42. I thought this was a bloggersnacker invitation. Grumble.

  43. I hereby challenge all comers in the SLC area. Taste my flatiron steak and despair!

  44. Hey Tanya, I live in Northern Virginia! I don’t have a grill though….maybe this is the summer to get one.

  45. Steve Evans says:

    MCQ, I imagine that your steak would be a cause of great despair indeed. “Flatiron” describes the steak’s ultimate texture and taste, unfortunately.

  46. Nitsav,

    I read this partly as a call to organize a bunch of little local blog-beques. Yes I did just make up that word.

    Also, I’m going to rock the dessert category.

  47. Ben is right – this contest requires local bloggersnackers.

  48. Hey, would brownies with chocolate chips in them count as chocolate chip cookies? I certainly think so. And these brownies rock….with no cheating involved.

    I’d be in for a Seattle Blog-BQ, so let’s set a date. We should be able to have two of the judges on hand, unless it is on the eastside, in which case Steve Evans is bound by Canadian law not to cross the 520 bridge. Or so I have heard.

  49. MCQ, bring it!

  50. Kevin, Ben – we need multiple dates, as I am going for the Grand Champion spot. I can probably do two items at a time but will still need a couple of weekends.

    Also, Kevin — surely you jest. Take those bushleague brownie antics somewhere else. Maybe FMH or M*.

  51. Steve, seriously, you’ve never tasted these bro…chocolate chip cookies in a square, thick, shape with chocolate chips, pecans, extra dark cocoa, and a chewy texture that is celestial in nature. Judge not, lest ye be judged!

  52. Perhaps the rules were unclear on this point?

    btw – turns out I am a judge.

  53. Well, don’t judge yourself out of yummy brownies, judge. Think Specialty Bakery bro… excuse me, chocolate chip cookies, but just one step shy of completely over the top excessive culinary overload. Rich, tasty, and without an accompanying defibrillator.

  54. Steve Evans says:

    Hey, I’ll eat ‘em, don’t get me wrong, but no way will they earn you a First Place prize.

  55. 34 – I haven’t ever heard of this town called Logan. But I would be happy to look for it on a map if there was free meat involved.

  56. Steve, your flatiron ignorance is apalling and does not augur well for your chances of winning. You can be excused only by your nascent citizenship.

  57. Too bad steak is not one of the categories, sucka.

  58. What about the creative category? You sayin’s steak ain’t creative? You lose again.

  59. “Hmmm, I really want to be creative. Let’s see….. OK, I’ll grill a steak.”

  60. Obviously, you haven’t had my flatiron steak.

  61. There are so many logistical problems with this contest, starting with the fact that I think I’m not going to be getting any of those celestial-category brownies.

  62. John Mansfield says:

    Steve Evans is a judge and a contestant?

  63. John, correct – see the rules in the OP. Not to worry, there are enough independent sources to make sure I don’t just declare myself a winner.

  64. S.P. Bailey says:
  65. Steve Evans says:

    SP, you’re the first to get the reference!

  66. No, he wasn’t!

  67. Steve Evans says:

    well, now you’re all just trying to get on the bandwagon. Sorry, but SP was the smartest.

  68. No way. I totally got it in the OP. And the book was way better than the movie.

    I would say that’s kinda like how my entry will be way better than others’, but I haven’t sampled your wares, and I’m aware of my own limitations.

    Yeah, I’m no good at trash talking.

  69. Ben,
    So you read the book and watched the movie?

  70. Scott,
    Robert Farrell Smith books are pretty funny. Possibly as funny as Matsby.

    As I recall, the movie was better than Halestorm fare, but still a bit lacking.

  71. Hmm, nice way to comment on the barbecue I’m having at my house on June 12 and the general invitation I issued to bloggernacle types who were interested in attending (though you still need to RSVP — we’ve at least forty people coming for barbecue, blue bell icecream and brownies).

  72. Steve Evans says:

    Blue Bell! Don’t tell my wife.

  73. You know, I would issue a call, but I don’t think I know of any bloggers in my neck o’ the woods…

  74. Steve Evans says:

    It’s worth a drive Tracy!

  75. >Possibly as funny as Matsby.

    Okay, you just lost whatever credibility that was remaining after you admitted to watching and reading Baptists@RBBQ. It’s time to stop.

  76. Molly Bennion says:

    Steve, BlueBell will overnight 4 half gallons. Always wanted to see how well it works. What’s Sumer’s favorite flavor? Now if we could only get The Salt Lick to send the cole slaw….

  77. Steve Evans says:

    Molly, their speckled vanilla bean is what makes her a-flutter. I trust that you and Roy will come over for one of the BBQ events?

  78. Molly! How could I forget that you’re in Seattle (when you’re not across the mountains)? Sorry about that. It would great to see you and Roy at a get-together.

    Scott, as part of my repentance, I’ll re-read Neal Stephenson’s Baroque Cycle and Bushman’s Rough Stone Rolling.

  79. correction to previous post: The penultimate sentence should begin “It would _be_ great to….”

    [Yes, it's late. I'm taking a break from my final group theory homework assignment. Young Tableaux are sure handy for decomposing tensor products into irreducible representations!]

  80. I own Baptists at My Barbeque on DVD. In fact I own all the Mormon DVDs. They may not be Citizen Cane, but I love me some Mormon culture.

    I have also been doing a lot of thinking about barbeques lately. Maybe I’ll be hosting my own.

  81. Steve Evans says:

    I’m thinking about an alternative-version Bible story where Adam’s son becomes a wealthy paper magnate and dies alone in his stately mansion. Citizen Cain.

  82. Steve – FTW

  83. MaryAA–I’ll bring pulled pork if you bring dessert!

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