Also, even if the gospel isn’t supposed to be easy or convenient, it does not necessarily follow that any difficulty the gospel brings into our lives is therefore good. If we followed the logic that making the gospel easier was always wrong, then surely we would do things such as ban driving to church (it’s typically easier than walking; the gospel isn’t supposed to be easy; therefore walking is better).

That being said, I think Eve summarized it well in #4. It’s difficult to imagine a challenge that’s of any value to some (or many) people without being too much for at least some others.

I can certainly sympathize with someone’s uneasiness about going on a mission (particularly at 19), getting married in the temple (particularly shortly after unpleasant first impressions in the temple which are far from uncommon), or starting any new calling. However, I don’t think the solution lies in offering more and more different kinds of opportunities to “fulfill” these expectations.

The Church already offers alternate missions in the form of service missions (admittedly there aren’t a ton of them and I don’t believe they’re particularly available to a young man who just doesn’t feel too prepared for or enthusiastic about a proselytizing mission). Anyone who stigmatizes a young man for not being on mission is just wrong. They are in gross violation of several commandments. That attitude has no place in the LDS gospel so it shouldn’t have a place in the LDS culture. (That said, it’s there and we’ll have to deal with it. Unfortunately, the young man who’s being judged for not being on a mission is probably having a hard enough time and it seems sad that we have to just call on him to develop a thicker skin but that’s probably the only option.)

A couple can have a temple marriage one year after a civil marriage. What would be a more appropriate/comfortable time frame? Should there not be one? It seems appropriate for the Church to require some time period between the two ceremonies to help underscore the value of the temple ceremony. Two weeks? Six months? Admittedly, the one year line is already pretty arbitrary. But I don’t see how making people’s sealing ceremony more comfortable/pleasant is compelling reason for such a change. My wife and I got married less than two years ago and have already forgotten most of the details about our sealing. I would say that the real blessings that come from temple marriage have absolutely nothing to do with ceremony itself other than the fact of its occurrence.

It’s sad that people leave over silly things like these and I would certainly love to have any of them back at pretty much any cost. You want 7.3% tithing for a decade? Done; just come to Church. You want a civil wedding and then a temple wedding three months later? Done and done. I’m not sure that God or the Church are quite so myopic though. The gospel isn’t meant to be easy or convenient. Marriage or a full-time mission cetainly aren’t either.

1 – I think that the original post is correct in stating that there is no middle ground, because both of the options listed (playing along and leaving the church) are both, to some degree, on the same side: a road to decreased (or obsolete) faith. While faith is a gift from God, it is a gift given to those who seek it. I don’t believe that whether we have faith or not, or even the level of our faith, is completely out of our control. And while everyone has their own unique circumstances, I believe that whether I was prepared or not for one of these events (such as serving a mission) was my responsibility, and something that I had control over. I don’t think it helps to look at faith passively, waiting for God to deliver it to us in a neat package instead while we watch our favorite saucy show on HBO instead of actively searching the scriptures, meditating, petitioning and counseling with the Lord through prayer, and acting in accordance with what we receive.

Of course, one of the hardest things to do is helping someone to simply have a _desire_ to want to have faith in the first place (and perhaps this is what the post is getting at).

2 – I think we need to be careful about our assumptions of others judging us. Most often it is untrue. In my own experience (and I think this is common), this tendency stems from my own insecurity when I know that I may not be acting in line with what I think others expectations are of me. Yet with those individuals described in the original post, I am certain that the vast majority of individuals around them view them with a desire to be compassionate and understanding (if they are viewing them at all – cue sermon on apathy). What always kills me when I fall into this trap is this striking thought: accusing someone of being judgmental is itself a form of condemnatory judgment (ie, the kind that isn’t “righteous judgment” according to the JST). Unfortunately, I don’t think that someone who is struggling with faith gets a free pass on that one. I have honestly felt that, with some of my family and friends who are less active, one of the biggest hurdles for them is to get past the (false) idea that others think less of them and that they will get a bunch of “I told you so” looks if they come back to church. Yet at the same time, I can’t blame them for having those thoughts, because I know I have that same tendency and would likely do the same in their situation. [End of tangent]

To answer the heart of the post’s question, though, I think we need to individually be compassionate and understanding in these situations. Listen to them. Support them. Love them. And the “pressure” (ie, the strong encouragement) should be applied much earlier, such as in primary or in the deacons quorum. Putting pressure at the moment of decision is, like others here have pointed out, forcing faith or a spiritual experience, which usually doesn’t turn out well. Preparation by the individual is needed.

We should also remember ourselves and help our children and others within our influence to understand that the gospel (including ordinances) does not require that we be perfect or to know everything beforehand. With a basic testimony we move forward with faith knowing that our understanding will increase with time and experience. If prophets claim that they are just beginning to understand the temple (which I have heard but cannot site a reference) we shouldn’t expect to be fully prepared before entering for the first time. That is the beauty- we can return as often as possible and hopefully learn each time.

It wasn’t until I was 21, when I was participating in the missionary discussions of a dear friend, that I had a complete change of heart and finally decided to turn to the Lord and honestly say “I will do whatever you want me to do. Should I serve a mission?” And the answer was clear and profound to me. So at 19 I was not ready, but ready at 21 and had many wonderful experiences on my mission.

If there was some sort of ‘out’ I would have snapped that up in a heartbeat at 19. Yes, I felt the weight of expectation on my shoulders, but fortunately I did not feel it from other members or even the bishop. If I did not have that sense of expectation I would never have gone, and from a personal perspective I would have missed out on experiences that continue to shape me, and help me, on a daily basis.

I take instruction on time lines, and great comfort from, this parable of Jesus (the “parable of the laborers in the Vineyard”):

“And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house…
But he answered one of them, and said: ‘Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? …Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?’”
[Matthew 20: 9 and so on]

I think, and I hope, that in the beginning Jesus knew something about us that Satan missed. That is, that His love is more powerful than our weakness, or failings, or sin, or anything else. Trusting that might mean that we should love each other while we let God draw us in His own time, believing that He will draw us all.

It also corresponded to a time (1971) when I had let my hair grow out, wore patched jeans, and had a peace symbol on my car, which only exacerbated the problem. However, at age 20, I married my wife in the temple, long hair and all, and that drastically reduced a lot of the questions. I’ll admit that I didn’t really get the temple at the time. but with my testimony of the church, I really wanted a temple marriage, so we got our recommends and got married. It took me a long time to get a better understanding of the temple, but that has gotten better over the years, but I never regretted that part of the decision. While I do regret not going on that mission, I would not trade my marriage for the experience. Chances are my wife might have still been around when I got back, but equally likely she wouldn’t have waited.

We can set the example by not judging others, and when we hear people speculating or judging, gently letting them know we don’t agree. I guess I don’t see a need for the institutional church to make accommodations as much as the culture growing up a little.

I understand the purpose of general timelines–I think it makes sense for a religious institution to give people an overall trajectory for their spiritual lives. But I think we need to make our timelines in the Mormon church (be they cultural or whatever) more general/flexible and less specific.