In honor of PBR being nominated to win Niblets in all categories (vote!), we present:
The Seventeenth installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
This week, we are joined by a philosopher (Jim Faulconer) and a economist (Scott B.), and a special surprise guest!
June 13: In lot 26, a Yamaha Zuma scooter was stolen from the parking area. The victim left his scooter parked over night. Later, an officer saw a scooter matching the description of the missing scooter parked in lot 16. There was no evidence that the scooter was tampered with and police suspect that the owner probably forgot where he parked.
Jim F.: Must have belonged to one of the philosophy department profs who frequently forgets things like where he parked.
GST: Further evidence that Cecil Samuelson has a drinking problem.
Steve: The police beat authors are just screwing with us.
Jim F.: No, I’ve seen Samuelson drinking.
though perhaps I should add “water.”
Steve: I can see Cecil downing a Zima on his Zuma. That’s how they roll in Lot 16.
Scott: Zum Zum Zum!
GST: [by the way, my guess is that this item is from the Rex Lee administration–isn’t it Steve?]
Steve: no, it is not. This is Cecil vintage.
GST: Then I stand by my defamatory ejaculation.
Scott: Wait…a MALE owns a scooter?
Jim F.: I haven’t seen scooters at BYU. It must have been a U of U plant
Steve: Honestly, Cecil looks like the Zima type, if ever they started serving Zima jello in the Cougareat.
Jim F.: trying to defame the manliness of BYU students and our president.
Steve: Yes, impossible to defame the manliness of BYU students and their 100% heterosexual Men’s Chorus.
Scott: Manhood rejects the following forms of transportation: a) Minivans b) scooters c) roombas
GST: Seriously, what would you put the hetero/homo ratio in Men’s Chorus at?
Jim F.: Steve, how would you know about the percentage of heterosexuals / homosexuals / transgendered / others in the chorus?
GST: Oh, he knows.
Scott: He has given several Men’s Chorus members rides on his scooter.
Jim F.: My point exactly.
GST: Through bitter trial and error.
Steve: ro/mo of roughly 2/3, based on my wide stance testing observation.
June 19: In lot 23 by the Deseret Towers pool, items were stolen from a Ford Excursion. The mud flaps and hitch were taken off the vehicle, that had been parked while the owner registered her son for EFY, which took about 30 minutes. The hitch is valued at $300 and the flaps at $50. The flaps also had a Rob Zombie sticker on them.
GST: The Rob Zombie sticker was priceless.
Jim F.: Who’s Rob Zombie?
Steve: Oh Jim.
Jim F.: Sorry!
Scott: I thought those hotchick mud flaps were banned by BYU. Were they part of the YouTube deal last week?
Jim F.: You ought not to invite old guys if you don’t want old questions.
Steve: He is a musical troubadour along the lines of rock and roll.
GST: An equivalent artist from your day would be, say, Andy Williams.
Jim F.: Got it.
Steve: He’s our Pat Boone.
Jim F.: But even Williams and Boone were before me.
Steve: sure, sure, Methuselah. Daniel Boone, maybe.
Jim F.: Why were the flaps valued at only $50 each? Seems amazing that something with such cultural value wouldn’t be worth more.
Steve: I had no idea that there was such a market for a used trailer hitch. No wonder U-Haul is making so much money.
Jim F.: BTW, Dan’l and I share some DNA, but little more.
Scott: Does anyone else find the combination of Rob Zombie stickers and EFY registration a bit odd?
GST: Also, if the kid’s mom is a Rob Zombie fan, I hope he’s getting the entire summer’s full of EFY, ’cause he’s going to need it.
Steve: Rob Zombie is the secular world’s answer to John Bytheway.
Scott: Michael McLean is coming out with some Rob Zombie covers
Jim F.: Perhaps EFY is like the alternative desert-survival camp for children of Rob Zombie fans.
Steve: “You’re not alone…….”
Scott: I’m scared.
Jim F.: Not knowing who Rob Zombie is, I’m not.
GST: Frankly, I’m a little embarrassed that I do know who he is.
June 13: A passenger in a suspicious light blue Suburban located in lot 26 on East Campus Drive was holding a crossbow.
GST: Was the Suburban otherwise suspicious?
Jim F.: He was looking for the fair maiden and the dragon by the Maeser Building.
GST: And whom did the Suburban suspect?
Steve: Note that the suspicious part relates to its light blue paintjob, not the instrument of death held by the passenger.
Scott: The passenger was kewl–just hanging with a crossbow.
“Powder Blue” is always suspicious for men holding crossbows.
Steve: Jim, plenty of people have been arrested for searching for fair maidens in the bushes around Maeser. Usually they wear hooded sweatshirts.
GST: Call me when it’s not a man-portable crossbow, and someone pulls up to the ASB towing one of the huge siege crossbows.
Jim F.: I remember well the many times I have seen men in hooded sweatshirts holding their crossbows and hiding in the bushes by the Maeser.
Steve: a passenger in a suspicious light blue Surburban was manning a trebuchet.
Jim F.: Much more appropriate at the ASB. Reasons for trebuchets there.
June 16: In lot 39, north of Miller Park, there was a disagreement over money, which turned into a fight.
Jim F.: The money turned into a fight? How?
GST: Miller Park, like in Milwaukee?
Jim F.: That explains the fight. They thought they were in Milwaukee only to find out they were in Provo. The driver was embarrassed.
He had been in that light blue Suburban earlier.
GST: The distinction is significant, especially around Oktoberfest.
Jim F.: But Oktoberfest is yet a few days off.
Steve: This is what happens when they let David Mamet write the Police Beat. There was a disagreement that turned into a fight. SCENE.
Scott: (not that it matters tremendously, but I’m being hammered at work right now)
Steve: Not to worry, Scott.
Matthew Page has joined.
Jim F.: You should work from home, Scott. Much less hammering.
Steve: Sadly, Scott works as an escort.
GST: Sad for everyone involved, esp. his customers.
Jim F.: That makes it much more difficult to work from home, I guess.
Scott: Nah, the wife is cool.
Steve: much less hammering.
and more nailing.
GST: I think the disagreement over money was a discussion on how much to bid on Lot 39.
Steve: with that, welcome to Matt Page!
Jim F.: I’m dying here, of laughter.
June 14: An EFY participant reported a rape that took place in Rupert, Idaho to her EFY counselor. University Police contacted a local detective and confirmed the rape. The participant claimed there was a baby from the rape, but the detective said that was incorrect.
Scott: Rob Zombie + EFY = tragic consequences in Rupert, Idaho
Jim F.: The victim was wrong about whether she got pregnant?
Steve: That’s pretty much the formula.
Jim F.: That’s amazing.
Steve: “I had a baby!” “Incorrect.”
GST: Here come Steve’s unending torrent of rape jokes, the funniest topic he knows.
Jim F.: From what I know, it is difficult to be wrong about whether you’re pregnant, especially in the later stages, like birth.
Scott: What kind of kid grows up to be a detective of rape-babies?
GST: By the way, do EFY counselors do hidden memory recovery therapy or something?
Jim F.: But this person was, after all, in EFY. If they were kind they would do, “this will be a hidden memory after you complete the course.”
GST: Yes. If I’ve forgotten something terrible that happened to me a long time ago, I’m satisfied with that.
Steve: I would think that repressing memories is what EFY is all about.
GST: Do they try to de-gay kids at EFY?
Scott: The original plot for Total Recall involved Arnold going to EFY in Rupert, ID.
Jim F.: The alternative to repressing memories is depressing ones as far as things like that are concerned.
Matthew: When I was a kid I thought it WAS gay.
Jim F.: I’m with Matt. But only in the sense of “I agree with Matt.”
Scott: I’m confused–when did you decide it WASN’T gay?
Steve: I’m with Scott. all the way.
GST: But in the gay sense.
Scott: I’m not….alone…
Matthew: So we’re using the buddy system now?
GST: Er… yeah.
Steve: no more flying solo.
Matthew: A team of mavericks.
Jim F.: I’m with Matt (agreement), but I’m not his buddy. Let’s get that straight.
June 7: Four individuals were skateboarding by the Harold B. Lee Library. An officer arrived and they fled in different directions. The officer caught one of them who displayed a contentious attitude and used a threatening gesture towards the officer. The suspect provided false information and was issued a citation for skateboarding on campus and for providing false information to a police officer. He was released to his mother.
GST: Touchy, man.
Scott: Round them up into a room, and ask them which directions they fled.
GST: The 3 skateboarding Nephites and John the Beloved.
Jim F.: That devilish attitude is what got him in trouble.
Steve: ZION IS FLED… on skateboards.
Matthew: The kid said his name was “Screw U. Copper”
Jim F.: I wonder what the false information was. Did the 3 Nephites and John lie about their age? If they hadn’t, who would have believed them anyway?
Scott: Skateboarder then fled the station into the arms of his mommy.
Jim F.: After all, we only believe 3 Nephite stories if they involve hitchhikers, not skateboarders.
Matthew: John the beloved is a wicked skate boarder.
Steve: The individual in question was 37 years old and answers to “Nathan Oman.”
Jim F.: Ah, got it. THAT was the lie. One of the 3 Nephites pretending to be Nate.
Matthew: Oli High, Never Die
Steve: I can see Nate arguing with the cops and flipping them off.
GST: Hitchhikers that protect sister missionaries. As distinct from all other hitchhikers, who are as a class not known for their protectiveness of 21-23 year-old women.
Jim F.: No, it was one of the 3 Nephites flipping the cop off, not Nate.
GST: “You call that a theory of contract, pig?”
Scott: Why is the rude gesture mentioned? That is not a crime, and the D.U. is simply defaming the 3 Nephites (or John).
Jim F.: I’m pretty sure that within the confines of BYU the rude gesture is a crime. Perhaps a capital one.
Matthew: I can’t believe this kid got arrested for jazz hands.
Jim F.: But perhaps it wasn’t really the rude gesture we are thinking of. Perhaps he gave the cop a thumbs up, which was misunderstood.
Scott: I personally don’t believe the story anyway, because I’ve seen pretty much every skateboarding moving ever, and police officers NEVER catch Nephites when they split up. It’s classic E.T. bike chase theory.
May 23: There was a suspicious individual at Bowen Hall in Heritage Halls. When officers arrived, he was gone.
Matthew: Oh this is a Police Beat?
GST: Read “black guy” into that item.
Jim F.: Was he gone because he was no longer suspicious or because he was still suspicious but couldn’t be found.
Steve: He was gone, daddy, gone.
GST: He had a cloaking device. Very suspicious.
Steve: Romulan pranksters!
Scott: Does this entry say more about police response times or a lack of creative writing skills at the D.U.?
Jim F.: All of the above.
Matthew: The resident said the suspicious person was in the hallway, but the detective said that was incorrect.
GST: “Creative writing” is not required. Adequately descriptive and minimally confusing writing would be nice.
Scott: “We responded, but not really.”
Jim F.: The detective agreed that the individual whom he had not seen was suspicious, but disagreed about the person’s location.
Steve: It reads like it’s been automatically translated by a web page or something.
Aug. 13: A female, lying down in the grass under a tree, reported that a male came up to her wearing a red g-string and red ballcap near the Marriott Center. When she threatened to call police, he went away. She reported that the suspect was 30-40 years old, had blond hair, stood approximately 5-foot-10, was clean-cut with a regular build and had no visible hair on his chest.
GST: Damnit, Oman again!
Jim F.: No, this time I think it was Steve.
Matthew: And was a German.
Jim F.: Oman has red hair.
Steve: Actually, that’s about me, except for the ballcap.
Scott: It is the return of Long Juan Silver, the owner of the Grand AM
Jim F.: and the g-string. actually Steve was naked. She made up the cap and g-string. The detective determined that she was incorrect.
Matthew: It’s a natural defence mechanism.
GST: And why is it all this guy’s fault? She was lying on the grass, under a tree! Talk about suspicious.
Scott: The female in question was lying down “on” the grass, or “in” the grass?
Steve: Lying in the grass, like a snake.
GST: In the grass–like a frickin’ sniper or something.
Jim F.: IN it for heaven’s sake. What kind of a woman would do that?
GST: Arrest her.
Jim F.: Besides, she not only threatened to call the police, she did!
GST: It appears.
Jim F.: Even when he left after her threat. She can’t be trusted.
Matthew: Right. He seems reasonable.
Scott: Hold on…”Lying” = not truthful….”grass” = weed…I think I’m starting to see where this g-stringed, hairless-chested man-o-love came from.
Steve: She said the man had visible hair on his chest, but the detective said she was incorrect.
Jim F.: He certainly responded as one would expect.
Matthew: Oh, you don’t like my outfit, Okay. I’ll leave.
GST: Well, the red ballcap is a little off. But everything else checks out.
Steve: It’s like Borat came to campus or something.
Matthew: I’m with the guy. Not right right now. I just mean I am on his side.
Scott: You’re “with” the guy?
Matthew: Not right now. You know what I mean.
Scott: Oh–gotcha. You’re dating. I see.
Jim F.: But he made sure that the cap and the g-string matched. Don’t criticize his choice of dress. What I want to know his how he got to her from wherever he was. Did he just walk across the parking lot in a ball cap and g-string–unnoticed? BYU is, after all, not quite Berkeley.
GST: He was leaving the Forum speaker event.
Steve: Perhaps it was a conference for VOICE? Jim, in that neighborhood, a ball cap and g-string are urban camouflage.
Scott: And where was Sam Speer to prevent this male-pornography?
Matthew: I don’t understand what the big deal is with a guy sunbathing… oh yeah… walking porn. Nevermind.
Jim F.: Had he too been lying in the grass perhaps everything would have been okay.
Scott: To think of the number of sisters who will not serve missions because of this…just shameful.
Jim F.: Though he should have been lying ON it.
Oct. 23: An assault was reported in R Hall of Deseret Towers. One male student threw a bug on another male student who retaliated by spraying shaving cream on the male that threw the bug. Shaving cream got in the eyes of the first student and the argument quickly escalated and became a physical confrontation.
Jim F.: Good to know that shaving cream and bugs are not physical.
Scott: Wait…he threw a bug?
Matthew: That’s a euphemism. They were throwing bugs at each other. One got shaving cream in his eye. It got physical.
Steve: it went like this: bug–>bug, shaving cream—>shaving cream, garden hose—>garden hose, gasoline fight—gasoline fight, and…. makeout session.
Scott: Orange Mocha Frappuccino!
Jim F.: perhaps it was a kissing bug.
Steve: they got the bug. The coy makeout bug.
Jim F.: But what about the shaving cream in the eye. That’s not part of any makeout session I’ve ever heard of (and of course I’ve only heard of them)
Matthew: Who’s side are you on? As for me and my house, we are on the side of the guy who had the bug thrown on him. (I hate bugs).
GST: The kid sure gets pissy about a little shaving cream in his eyes, though. I mean, how does he shave his eyeballs, dry?
Steve: Jim don’t play coy. You served in Korea, you know the way these things are.
Jim F.: which of “these things”? I remain coy.
Scott: They said shaving cream to avoid Honor Code violations—it was really Cool Whip.
Jim F.: Then it should also have been a food police violation.
GST: By the way, is it too late to object to inviting non-BYU people like Matt, Scott, and Cynthia to these things? They don’t approach the subject with the necessary affection to make sure that it doesn’t cross into mean-spiritedness.
Scott: I concur.
GST: You must love BYU as only a BYU man can to gently chuckle at its foibles!
Matthew: I know. For me I was like “What’s the big deal with a speedo? We all wore speedos at the U”
Scott: Wait…No. I object to me being invited simply because I’m not funny.
Steve: I object to Matt and Scott’s presence. I wish I had never invited them.
Jim F.: If we object to inviting people who aren’t funny, then I’ll have to bow out immediately, as will almost everyone else. I say “almost” to be polite.
GST: I realize that I might have brought this up offline. Belatedly.
Scott: Okay, just leave your g-string and cap at the door.
GST: Laugh, you heathens, laugh at BYU! Your day will come.
Matthew: I don’t feel welcome anymore.
GST: Did that come across?
Scott: Making fun of BYU is liking picking on a crippled child.
Steve: I was going to post one more hilarious incident, but Jim has chased away the Spirit.
Jim F.: Because crippled children are also special to God.
Dec. 7: The glass of a vending machine in the Harris Fine Arts Center was shattered. A male student’s friend paid for a Pot Tart that the vending machine did not dispense. Thus the male student leaned his shoulder against the glass in an attempt to tip the machine and get the Pot Tart out accidentally shattering the glass in the process.
Jim F.: What in the world is a Pot Tart? A drunk whore?
GST: This is not the BYU I knew.
Steve: here’s a hint, Jim: they are sold in the HFAC.
Scott: What we now know: Never come between a BYU undergrad and his Grass. Pot Tart = Woman lying in the grass
Steve: There are a few weird things with this one.
GST: Starting with the MARIGUANA CONFECTION BEING SOLD IN VENDING MACHINES ON BYU CAMPUS.
Steve: Ironically, pot tarts give you the munchies. BTW it’s “marijuana,” you ignoramus.
GST: It’s a vicious cycle.
Steve: Like tomacco.
Jim F.: Why do we know the gender of the student who leaned against the machine but not that of his friend?
Steve: it’s the HFAC, Jim. A genderless pot-addled world of insanity!!
Scott: Hey Matt, isn’t it weird that payment is required for Pot and Tarts at BYU? It’s like a Sin tax. This would never happen at the U.
Jim F.: But I bet he / she paid for that pot with a signature card. No cash involved.
Steve: They don’t have machines at the U. Fears of cylon uprisings, I suppose.
Jim F.: That’s a step ahead in this world: pot without cash.
Matthew: No, because when you’re wearing a speedo, you try to avoid broken glass.
Steve: That dude must’ve had a pretty bony shoulder.
Scott: Milk with money, and pot without cash. It’s the gospel in action at BYU.
Jim F.: I wonder whether the woman in the previous incident was really lying in the glass rather than the grass.
Steve: v.v. uncomfortable.
Jim F.: that’s why she was so angry about the guy in the speedo. There she was, lying in the glass, and he didn’t offer to help.
Matthew: You know that guy didn’t just learn against it. He ran from 10 feet away and jumped into it.
Scott: The truth is, he was probably wearing red nylons, and the broken glass shards reduced it to a g-string.
Matthew: GUY: I just leaned my shoulder into it and it shattered. COP: INCORRECT!
Jim F.: No. The glass on BYU vending machines is purposefully thin. That makes the contents available in case of emergency. That instead of food storage.
Steve: btw, have I ever told you guys the one about the two lawyers, the philosopher, the economist and the artist?
Matthew: Steve, I haven’t heard it but I bet it’s not funny.
Jim F.: even here.
Steve: It’s not funny at all.
GST: A little too close to home. Too soon.
Jim F.: It would be funny, though, were it not for the lawyers.
Scott: is the economist Frank? (or is it me?)
Jim F.: Must be Frank.
Steve: I’d tell each of us to keep our day jobs, except one of us is an academic, three of us hate our jobs, and GST is a dynastic emperor.
Scott: Yep. Definitely Frank.
Matthew: This is my day job.
Jim F.: Why wouldn’t I keep my day job? I work at home at my leisure reading stuff I like. And someone pays me.
Scott: Yeah, but GST lives in, you know…Fresno. Emperor of Fresno. Whoopittydoo!
GST: I’m a pretty big deal in Fresno.
Jim F.: Has Canada ever been happy?
Steve: Canada is the land of happiness.
Scott: Steve, no one really knows what to do with that kind of statement.