Although late to the party, Samantha’s words deserve an audience. Thanks, Samantha!

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I got to this post too late to comment, but thought I’d add a bit of information. I am a lesbian (I know all that crap about not giving myself a label and using the term SGA or whatever that the church recommends, but as I’m the one who likes girls, I’m choosing what I’ll call myself, and I also use the term “gay” occasionally). I was aware of my attraction to girls by the time I was twelve. I attended multiple slumber parties and also went on overnight school trips most weekends when school was in session because I was part of competitive teams. I never approached another young woman sexually, and I was often sharing showers or beds with them. This had nothing to do with whether or not I was aroused or attracted, and everything to do with the fact that I knew what could happen when people don’t respect the sexual boundaries of others, when those are unclear, or when they do not exist, because I was raped multiple times by an older teen when I was not quite twelve.

Not all young women have this awareness and we live in a world where experimentation is glamorized and encouraged. And while I don’t believe one can switch teams (regardless of what is said about female sexual fluidity), I also don’t believe such experimentation is emotionally healthy or safe. My fourteen-year-old daughter is allowed to sleep over at friends’ houses occasionally, but only when I know who will attend and I know the girls and their parents, personally. We’ve had frank discussions about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. I would trust her at a slumber party at which a lesbian attended (remember, I was once the lesbian at the slumber party), if I knew the young woman in question and believed she would respect my daughter’s boundaries. I would treat this as any other slumber party invitation, because quite frankly, there is probably often a young woman attracted to other young women at a slumber party. And I don’t equate it with sleeping with boys. Girls (even lesbian ones) have different relationships with other girls than those they have with boys, and need the community and intimacy offered by friendships with young women. Isolating or excluding a lesbian because of her attractions will only add to the problems she’s going through as she tries to figure out who she is and where she fits in society.

Because this is becoming far too long for a comment (especially for a post for which the comments have been closed), I would just add that while I understand making the sexual orientation of slumber party attendees a point of consideration, I would hope it would not be a deciding factor. Indeed, I would hope it might become an opportunity to get to know the self-identified lesbian, look into her eyes, and see her for the young woman she is. Once that has been done, the slumber party decision, regardless of whether it’s yes or no, will have a great deal more credence than it might otherwise.

I wasn’t surprised to see this thread closed when I came back to it last night. I’d asked the admins to moderate in my absence, and Kristine did the right thing.

I need to point out that the scenario in #112 is very different from the scenario my friend described (the young woman with SSA is not LDS, not frightened, not ostracized, not suicidal. In fact, she’s giddy in love.)

But Kristine’s scenario does reflect the reality of another mother and teenager I know–and it is heartbreaking.

This was a difficult thread, both troubling and (for some at least) enlightening. I can understand why some of my fellow bloggers had a visceral reaction to some of the views expressed here. It’s wrong to present gay people as predatory, and homosexuality with a capital H as contagious. It’s problematic to compare SSA to alcoholism. Although I thought some of the heated responses were counterproductive to useful discussion, I believe they are justified.

Since the thread closed, friends have pointed out to me that confrontation and challenge–even vehement challenge–can be useful in conversations like these. Perhaps even more useful than moderate voices. Of course, if that’s indeed true, then strong responses should be fair game for participants on both sides of the issue.

Regarding the OP, I maintain that there’s good cause for my friend to carefully consider the possibilities regarding this sleepover, for her daughter’s sake. It’s not a simple thing for a teenager when two of your friends, both girls, are in love. It’s not a simple thing to attend an overnight party with them. At the same time, overprotection can backfire. And just as importantly, my friend’s daughter is not the only vulnerable teenager in the equation. Yes, parents have particular responsibility for their children, but we are all each others’ keepers.

In short: saying yes to the sleepover doesn’t mean my friend is sacrificing her daughter on a PC altar. Saying no doesn’t mean she’s a homophobe. I wish as LDS we could transcend such polarized discussions. I admit this thread doesn’t give me a lot of hope, but I’ve received some encouraging emails which prove that some good does come out of these exchanges. So maybe, sometime, I’ll try again.

And now the thread is permanently closed.

And look what happens instead.

Comments are closed for now.

Hey, this is only a thread in which to say ignorant and unkind things about gays. We’ll have another thread next week for sharing your unrighteous judgments of other people’s parenting skills based on a single evening with their children. OK?

I kinda like the suggestion of ending sleepovers at the age of 14. I remember that some of my male peers at LDS scout overnighters engaged in strip games in their tents. As far as I know, they are all married so it didn’t mean that they were gay. Nevertheless, I’m sure the parents would never have suspected those good LDS boys under the watchful eyes of their competent leaders could desire or get away with such things. Oh, and there was the boy that brought a can of Skoal to an LDS scout overnighter, but he got caught!

You could have her “count coup” like the old Apache warriors, seeing how close to The Lesbian she could get without becoming a lesbian herself. If she could touch The Lesbian in combat, she would be counted a mighty warrior indeed.

Or you could go further and follow the lead of Gandhi, who (in)famously slept nude with a variety of young women, in order to build up his willpower and self-control. Encourage your daughter to hop into bed naked with The Lesbian, and thus build up her own straightness by resisting her Lesbianality.

(Yech. It was a creepy idea from the get-go, Nobel prize be damned.)

Or, we could stop playing “don’t feed the scary lesbians” and start viewing Lesbians as people, like anyone else. (If it helps, you can still think of them as “kind of scary people.”)