The following was submitted by regular BCC commenter blt, whom the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has retained in its membership solely on the merits of his willingness to teach eleven year-olds knots. He currently (p)resides with his wife in Korea where he teaches middle school.
Dear BCC readers,
I recently came across a cache of old MormonAds (they were probably called something else back in the day) while going through some of my Mom’s old things. I thought this might be a comedy gold mine, and I offer this first image (with the original text from the back of the ad beneath) for your captioning:
A virtuous young man pledges his love and fidelity to the girl of his dreams with a precious stone–a diamond. And the happy girl treasures the gift as she would her life, promising, in return, her own fresh, virtuous love in marriage.
The ring–with its precious gem–becomes a symbol of fidelity for the engaged couple and a reminder of the priceless value of virtue in them both.
Solomon said it centuries ago: “A virtuous woman . . .her price is far above rubies…” For men it is equally true.
A latter-day hymn-writer composed these beautiful lines:
“Cherish virtue! Cherish virtue!
God will bless the pure in heart.”
Cherish–how beautiful and meaningful the word: to hold dear; to trust or keep with tenderness.
And virtue: integrity of character; uprightness of conduct; chastity.
The prophet Mormon, in his last affectionate message to his son Moroni, called virtue and chastity ‘the most dear and precious of all things.’
Modern prophets have reaffirmed this eternal truth.
So, young people of the Church, if you would deserve the confidence of the clean young man or young woman you someday hope to marry–if you would enjoy the fullness of happines which belongs only to the pure in heart, be clean, be chaste.
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
I thought I’d get the ball rolling by suggesting a few captions of my own:
1. Get it straight, fellas–she didn’t repress her sexual urges for 18-30 years for your mix tape. Cough up some bling!
2. The shimmering glory of the stone is proven to distract potential fiances from poo-brown blazers . . . and what appear to be hair-plugs.
3. Looks like he (or she) who laughs years after prom night laughs loudest!
4. My decision to remain celibate in my youth was 2% doctrinal, 50% reputational (14th in line in a Mormon family in a largely non-Mormon school), and 48% thanks to a hormone imbalance and acne. [Channeling Colbert; arm extended] Rubies, please!
5. So, the text contains some beautiful Biblical revision: “For man it is equally true.” Was it true? If so, where was the male partner taken in adultery when Jesus was drawing in the dirt?
6. “More precious than rubies” = Socially relevant marriage propaganda all the way to the mid-1960s . . . from the time of Solomon! You’ve been served, “All because two people fell in love”!
7. No, gemology conspiracy theorists, the Church did not receive any funds from the diamond industry for conflating a sacred rite with a commodity.
So, I’m interested in reading your snark, your analyses of the image and accompanying texts, and your thoughts on abstinence, the value of female virginity, marriage as a product . . . Whatever.
Extra Credit: Can you spot the artist’s “mistake” that was probably slipped in by some sleeper atheist working in the Church media department to derail the whole project? Brad Kramer will give you his wife’s wedding ring if you are the first to post a correct answer.