The scene: a second-hour Sunday school class, “Principles of Exaltation,” with the 12- and 13-year-olds, this past Sunday, the Rolling Hills ward, Wichita, Kansas.
The players: a typically beleaguered Sunday school teacher and nine assorted punks, players, geeks, show-offs, and other children of our Heavenly Father, including the teacher’s own beloved first-born daughter.
The exchange: teacher asks carefully designed meaningless softball question (something about repentance, he doesn’t remember); class member responds: “Thhsandromoswaras.”
The teacher observers his respondent. Short, smart, normally a conscientious sort, hair a mess, his head buried in his hands, which are themselves resting on his knees. The teacher addresses Cousin It: “What did you say, Nick?”
“THHSANDROMOSWARAS.” He speaks loudly, firmly, directly to his knees (or the floor; the teacher found it difficult to judge from his angle).
“One more time, Nick?”
The boys raises his head, his hair standing up on one side, his cherubic face twisted into a wicked grin, his eyes lit with triumph: “THE STANDARD MORMON ANSWERS!” he shouts.
“And what are those, Nick?” the teacher asks, jauntily raising one eyebrow (or so he hoped; the classroom had no mirror to enable him to check).
Momentary silence, during which the teacher pondered the significance of Cousin It’s response, before the aforementioned animal pack begin to cacophonously respond, as they have been trained. A clear, single, direct response, however, was not to be found.
So I turn to you, the Plain People of the Internet, and ask: just what are the “standard Mormon answers,” the ones we can always give, the ones which will work in any occasion? Points will be for creativity, and don’t forget: spelling counts.