The XXIieth installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, here and here.
This week: Eric Russell demonstrates how funny Marines can be. Also, Ken Jennings and GST do their schtick.
Two 16-year-olds are under investigation for illicit sexual conduct. They were found in the Caroline Hemenway Harman Continuing Education Building by two custodians.
GST: That’s what you get when you name a building after a woman. They haven’t done it since.
Steve: The next week, two 18-year-olds were under investigation for illicitly short, demonstrative sentences. They were found in the Ernest Hemingway Building, adjacent to Caroline’s.
Ken: Apparently in the Harman building, custodians travel in two-person “companionships” to reduce the temptation of all that panting 16-year-old flesh in the halls.
Steve: O that I had died whilst in DT, next to the fleshpots of the Harman building!
GST: You shall go two-by-two into the land, carrying neither purse nor scrip, but with mop buckets.
Ken: They get one “preparation day” a week to stop scrubbing hard-water stains off of drinking fountains and watch the teenagers getting it on.
Eric: 16 year olds don’t normally hang out in the Harmon Building. This had to have been during an EFY week. In which case, EFY standards FAIL.
Ken: Depends on what the ‘F’ stands for I guess.
Steve: One woman wrote of Caroline Hemenway: “She lived quietly in a small Utah community. To anyone outside an area twelve miles square, she was and is a stranger. And yet, there is something familiar about her uncommon courage. She is like our mother, our grandmother, an aunt, a niece or sister. [She] represents countless women, unknown and unsung, who patiently do the thing that needs to be done and who in reality accomplish the important work of the world. She reminds us that deeds need not be great to be heroic.” Thus, she appropriately names the study-by-mail building.
GST: I did the normal 7 year BA at BYU, and I never set foot in the building.
Ken: Well-behaved women don’t make history, or complete their actual degrees
GST: These are the people responsible for the TV commercials during conference that say, “When you were younger, did you once drive by the BYU campus slowly, but fail to earn a degree? Apply for the Bachelor of General Studies program!”
Steve: I wonder if Mark Harmon is Mormon.
Ken: If you replace the “arkha” in his name with an “o” then yes, Mark Harmon is Mormon. Oh wait, I finally have the joke here! They should call it the Caroline Hemenway HORMONE building, am I right, folks?
Steve: wow. Finally, a joke.
Steve: moving on.
A suspect in a planner theft was surprised Wednesday at 7:30p.m. when two students hiding in a closet waiting to scare a friend jumped out at her. The 5-foot-6-inch female is described as having frizzy brown hair, pock marks on her face and looks 25-35 years old. She ran from the room screaming in fright. The planner was returned with $5 missing.
Steve: Sounds like Frieda from Peanuts.
Ken: Frieda had pock marks? I thought that was just that cute lesbian couple…Peppermint Patty and wassername.
Steve: she will once puberty hits. Frieda’s family is poor and cannot afford accutane.
GST: I’m not familiar with the Frieda character. Did she suffer from hydrocephaly?
Ken: I can tell this is an old Police Beat, since no one has bought an actual planner since the Blackberry was invented. All the ex-Covey employees I know in Utah have moved on to shady MLMs
Steve: this is from 1995.
GST: Yeah, planner was a giveaway. Next up: stolen Walkmans.
Steve: I would have said Frieda Kahlo, but I don’t think she had acne.
Ken: She had acne on the bridge of her nose. That’s why she never shaved the monobrow.
Eric: You could replace it with iphone, but then no one would return an iphone.
Ken: Also iPhone don’t have inspirational thoughts and scriptures on the inside cover
Steve: I can’t have all three pools of investigators on an iPhone, dummies!
Ken: “The iPhone was returned with a $5 flashlight app missing.” No one has commented on the awesomest part of this item: a clueless dorm prank actually fought crime!
Steve: Here’s the police sketch of the criminal: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/82/Frieda_animated_Peanuts.gif
Ken: I love Peanuts. When she “ran from the room screaming with fright” her face was just the big black yawning “O” of her mouth. I did lots of dumb pranks at BYU, but no matter how many cars I filled with balloons, I don’t believe one outstanding planner theft was solved.
Eric: It was probably reported just so they could publicly describe the offender as having frizzy brown hair and pock marks. She was probably 19 too.
Steve: It’s so Queen Bee of them.
Ken: And yet she got more dates than the hot planner thief getting busy in the Harman Building
GST: My only Peanuts joke is about Charlie Brown’s hydrocephaly, and I’ve done that. My 13-16 years are too fresh in my memory to do acne jokes
A 27-year-old male visitor was injured at the BYU/University of Utah football game Nov. 18 when he was choked for cheering for the U by a 58-year-old male visitor. The 25-year-old son of the 58-year-old hit the U fan in the face.
Ken: This item has too many ages in it. Is it a story problem?
Steve: I’m sorry, but if a 58-year-old is able to injure you by choking you…. sir, you need to do a little working out. Unless that dude was Jack LaLanne or maybe Cecil Samuelson.
GST: If two father/son BYU fans leave on a light rail train to SLC at 3:30 and begin choking a Ute fan at 3:45…
It was this guy:
Steve: I love the beard man!
Ken: I only want ages in my PBR items when it’s to help me visualize the underage Harman Bldg gropers.
Steve: I bet the 58-year-old wore a T-shirt that said “World’s Greatest Grandpa”, and the son wore a t-shirt that said “World’s Greatest Dad.” That U fan didn’t stand a chance against two of the world’s greatest. Though I guess they weren’t so great, morally speaking.
Ken: I’m not clear on the sequence here. The U fan was hit by a young guy while an old guy was choking him? “Here son, I’ll hold him down for you! Come slug your first U fan!” Take a picture, Doris. Kimball is beating up his first Ute!
GST: I remember the first time when my dad pinned back the arms of a Ute for me, and I rained blows on the body and face. Magical times…
Ken: We went out for frozen custard afterward.
Steve: That night the 25 year old was circumcised and became a man.
Ken: Which is hard to do when half of your junk is painted blue and the other half white
Steve: Most fans stop at the waistline, Ken. But not you.
Ken: Cougars don’t cut corners baby.
Eric: Beating Ute fans is usually practiced at Father/Son overnights. They were trained and ready to go.
GST: Rise and shout, Ken.
GST: They were on that guy like John D. Lee and Isaac Haight on the Fancher party.
Steve: Just like it!
Ken: They told BYU police it was a bunch of Indians in the row behind them
GST: Too bad there were no Paiutes in the vicinity to blame.
Ken: Exchange-student Indians, from the CS program.
Steve: Cecil Samuelson ordered it.
A report was filed against a 34-year-old male for sexually assaulting a girl during the Special Olympics. The incident occurred on the Helaman Halls track area between June 1 and June 3. The victim and suspect were both participants in the Olympics.
A bathroom rug was taken from Wymount Terrace between Nov. 6 and Nov. 7. It was left unattended on a rail to dry.
Ken: All together now: It really….
GST: Hey, free urine-soaked rug!
Ken: Nope! It really…
Steve: This is Wymount. That wasn't urine.
Steve: the room…
Ken: TA DA! But yeah, Jacob from Lost peed on it first.
Steve: The only White Russians in Wymount are pasty-faced RMs.
Ken: In Wymount, Russian RMs marry YOU!
Steve: The f&*Sing nihilists took the rug back to Deseret Towers.
GST: "It was left unattended on a rail to dry." You know, life's too short to attend to a urine-soaked rug. I'll take my chances that it might be stolen.
Steve: again, not urine.
Ken: If it never comes back, it wasn't yours to begin with
GST: I'm ignoring you, Steve.
Ken: Shut the #$% up Donny. Did it have the little suction cups on the bottom? Because that's a sweet item if so. I would totally file a police report for one of those.
Steve: Tuesday mornings, Donny, are Devotionals. That means that I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't $#^* ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as s**t don't %$&#@ roll!
Steve: I wonder if a Chinaman stole that urine-soaked rug.
Ken: Whoooo's on the IMDb "quotes" page?
Steve: not I!
Ken: The Marines don't watch pothead movies, you are confusing Eric.
Eric: Not enough people die in that one.
Steve: Eric is waiting for the right moment to pounce, like a wet rug, upon this joke.
Ken: Like a thief upon a wet rug you mean? Or is the rug pouncing?
A 20-year-old male student was found unconscious on the east side of the stadium Dec. 4 at 9 p.m. The student was transported to the Utah Valley Medical Center. He had run into the stadium while riding his bike.
Ken: It’s so hard to see that little stadium, all tucked away down there.
Eric: I’ve done that before.
GST: Who hasn’t!
Steve: Sometimes those stadiums sneak up on you, like glaciers or a singularity.
Ken: It’s so obvious. THE STUDENT WAS A GIANT! …in the Twilight Zone
Eric: It actually camos with the mountains at night. And that’s how they keep utes from vandalizing it.
Ken: It uses Romulan cloaking technology.
Eric: They’re not that advanced yet. But apparently cougars aren’t either.
Steve: Attempted suicide, maybe? Or Quixotic re-enactment?
Ken: They also camouflage the “Y” on the mountain by painting the entire book of Jarom onto the side of Y mountain The Y becomes part of a “ye my brethren,” blends right in. Wait that’s not funny, just confusing. Edit that out.
Steve: no, that’s staying in. If the rest of us had to suffer through that, so will our audience.
Ken: Plus it took me like ten minutes to type.
Steve: You really gotta smack hard into a stadium to be found unconscious at 9 p.m. It means you’re out like a light for quite some time.
Ken: Maybe he ran into one of the pointier or more electrocuting parts of the stadium
GST: It was probably Rudy trying to sneak in to his cot. Fell out of the window.
Ken: Maybe after he hit the stadium, some surprisingly muscular old guy started choking him. GET OFF YOUR BIKE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN! KIMBALL, COME OVER HERE AND HIT THIS LITTLE DOUCHEBAG A LITTLE!
Steve: awesome. Must be humiliating to get choked by Matlock.
Ken: Revenge! I got my blood all over his white suit!
Sunday a male student drove off with the vehicle immobilizer that had been placed on his truck by University Police. The student said he had planned to return it.
GST: Isn’t that bad for your car?
Ken: The “vehicle immobilizer”! They do have Romulan technology!
Steve: The BYU Cops have a tractor beam! That is a helluva car to resist immobilization like that.
Ken: That’s not the BYU police building! It’s a battle station…
Steve: So, obviously the dude either has some sort of super-car, or has wrecked his truck, or…. the cops just didn’t put it on the car right. Am I wrong? Ken, am I wrong?
Ken: You can’t put the boot on the spare tire! Silly cops.
Eric: That’s a pretty awful placement job on the part of the police. You’d think they’d withhold statements where the joke was on them.
Steve: I guess when the article says “placed on his truck,” it means on the roof, or possibly just laid in the truck bed.
Ken: “The, uh, vehicle immobilizer clearly malfunctioned in this instance. WE HAVE NO FURTHER COMMENT AT THIS POINT IN TIME!” So I got a bajillion parking tickets a the Y and never got booted. What makes this little prima donna so special?
Steve: Mark Harmon would never have made a mistake like that.
Ken: BYUCIS! I guess YCIS is actually the correct joke.
GST: They’re always going easy on the popular guys on campus, like Quiz Bowl members.
Steve: He got a home study degree in vehicle immobilization.
Ken: Here’s Joe College, hanging out at the Maesar buildings, checking out the coeds
(Peanuts callback!) I bet the BYU cops are totally coming after this guy. Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense!
GST: That’s a paddlin’.
Ken: Paddlin’ up to girls in the botany pond?
Steve: You’d better believe that’s a paddlin!
Monday a female doing an experiment with muriatic acid poured the substance into a metal bread pan and the acid ate through the pan. She poured the rest of the acid down the sink and called Risk Management.
Eric: Good thinking.
GST: Yeah, quick action there avoided some real problems.
Steve: btw, muriatic acid = hydrochloric acid. Yes, it is one of the most acidic of the common acids.
Ken: She was baking bread with hydrochloric acid? Boy some women would burn fruit salad! Am I right, men?
Eric: Now she knows the formula to carry with her when guys want to stay in her apartment past midnight.
Ken: Splash! Now you’re Darkman.
GST: And Larry Summers says women can’t do science!
Steve: Hmm. My metal baking pan has corroded through. Let me dump the rest of this acid down this metal sink and into the metal pipes. Problem solved!
Ken: How to flunk Home Ec.
Steve: I wonder if you could make green jello salad with hydrochloric acid.
Eric: Of course.
Ken: It keeps the Jello from setting. Like pineapple
Eric: What can’t you make green jello salad with?
Steve: er, pineapple, dummy.
On Feb. 2 at 5:25 p.m., following the playing of the national anthem over the academic loudspeaker system, an unidentified recording was accidentally played.
GST: WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIS COMPANY IS WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT SOCIETY!
Steve: WE CAN SAIL WE CAN SAIL WITH THE ORINOCO FLOW
Ken: It was the Canadian anthem. We accidentally used the old tape from a Blue Jays game.
Eric: Whew, I thought for a moment you were going to say, “an unidentified man was seen already in motion.”
Ken: Did people stop for the encore anthem, or keep walking?
Steve: It cheesed off the Americans when I wouldn’t stop or put my hand over my heart.
Ken: KIMBALL, PUNCH THIS CANUCK SUMBITCH IN THE KIDNEYS WHILE I CHOKE HIM FOR YOU!!!
Steve: Instead I would do jumping jacks and flip off the flagpole.
GST: Yeah, Steve, stupid Americans, loving their country an’ shit.
Ken: I would have stopped if it had been the Hendrix Star Spangled Banner! Stopped and done air guitar!
Eric: Does the groundhog have his own theme song? That’s probably what they were playing.
Steve: gentlemen, thank you for your participation. This concludes today’s Police Beat. I apologize that it was so incredibly lame.