Bloggers Admit to Inventing Mormonism

Salt Lake City–A group of bloggers held a press conference today in front of the Mormon Tabernacle to announce they had entirely fabricated the Mormon religion, a faith previously believed to date back to the early 19th century.

The group confessed that Mormonism didn’t really exist, and was the result of a series of fictions created by the friends back in the early 1970s.

“It all started when Hamer was bored one weekend and so he wrote the Book of Mormon,” reported a middle-aged women who writes under the pen name Aaron B. “At first he put his own name on it as author, but then, for a lark, he just made up about the most common name one could think of, ‘Joseph Smith,’ and it sort of stuck.”

As the group sat around reading this new book together over a box of wine, Hamer’s friend, Steve Evans, came up with the idea of making this “Joseph Smith” an actual historical person who used this “book” to create an actual “church.”

Fellow conspirator J. Stapley wrote an entire, 7-volume history of this supposed church. Then, to throw off any suspicion as to his part in the conspiracy, he regularly excoriated anyone who would actually quote from it.

Tracy M. came up with the whole pioneers idea. No one really knew how the west was settled, so it seemed like a safe enough story to add to the mix. Karen H. made up the place they came from, “Nauvoo,” on the theory that no one would ever try to actually go there. But when people started to wander around the banks of the Mississippi looking for it, the gang had to spend the better part of a summer actually building the supposed City of the Saints.

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir originated as just Kristine and a bunch of her cousins.

“Sunny and mmiles were high on weed when they came up with that whole polygamy thing,” reported Norbert. “They laughed and they laughed as they wrote what is now D&C 132. And then they went out for nachos.”

The group is deeply sorry for any offense their little prank may have caused. Ronan and Aaron R. even offered to resign from their church callings.

[With apologies to The Onion. Feel free to add your own paragraphs to the story in the comments.]

Comments

  1. Larry the Cable Guy says:

    The presser also highlighted the number of splinter groups that resulted in the fierce debate over whether to canonize JS-Matthew or the Police Beat reports.

    That decision still leaves me scratching my head.

  2. Asked for comment, fellow blogger SteveP replied, “The joke is on them because they are all part of my computer simulation. Mormonism isn’t a hoax–reality is a hoax!”

  3. Mark Brown says:

    When asked if the report about Hamer drinking cheap box wine was true, John C., the current high priest of the movement, stated that such knowledge was “in the sealed portion of the blog” but that “in the next life” Hamer could look forward to drinking the good stuff.

  4. The Fundamentalist Armenian Restoration Manuscript Society caught the spirit of the thing and published an entire corpus of apologetica to establish ancient origins for the newly-invented religion. When asked how they found the time, spokesman Daryl D. Pederson replied,

    “Hey! We didn’t have that much to do before, plus this seemed like a really cool idea.”

  5. Steve Evans says:

    Dude, don’t try to blame me for ANOTHER hoax.

  6. Unemployment in northern Utah is expected to rise dramatically in the coming quarter as “historians” who have been fabricating documents in the uber-secret Hofmann Laboratories are laid off. In related news, Rick Grunder has opened a cupcake bakery in western New York.

  7. Mark Brown says:

    Observers have noticed that all the administrative offices are held by men and have wondered about the absence of females in leadership posts. They have pointed out that capable women are ready and willing to serve, for instance Cynthia L. A spokesman replied that he cannot say exactly what her role is, but that it is sacred, not secret, and that knowledge of her must necessarily be limited because people might take her name in vain. This is why she is often referred to as sister blah 2.

  8. I think it was a more than weed when we came up with polyandry.

  9. Last Lemming says:

    The toughest part was getting the Smoot hearings into the Congressional Record. Fortunately, Harry Reid was a willing co-conspirator. He personally authorized the rewrite and snuck an amendment onto a defense appropriations bill to cover the cost. (Everyone just assumed it was another CIA slush fund).

    Now lets sit back a wait for Sharon Angle to use this against him in an ad.

  10. I admit it, I laughed out load for my paragraph. Well done.

  11. Fellow co-conspirator Scott B. took credit for the health code referred to as the “Word of Wisdom”. When asked about it he said “Well sure, getting them to give up alcohol and cigarettes was easy, the real challenge was actually convincing them that coffee and tea were evil. I never thought they’d fall for it, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Honestly though, I just wrote that whole section hoping people would be less gluttonous and eat a little better. Go figure thats the only part of the document that has been nearly-completely ignored.”

  12. Credit for the details of an Angel of a dead Native American appearing to the fictitious character Joseph Smith, as well as the plates on which the story was written being made of gold and hidden in the mountains of New York is attributed to the groups prankster Matt Page. Apparently the idea originated when Matt was sketching a comic, “Yeah, I had taken a couple shrooms, so the details are sketchy at best, but I was playing around on Photoshop and I thought, how funny would it be if this story was written on gold-leaf and hidden in a hill in New York . . .”

  13. Best. Post. EVER.

  14. Well, sure, anyone could fabricate a Book of Mormon any old time. But which poor unlucky devil got stuck with the job of fabricating all of Hugh Nibley’s stuff?

  15. The Other Brother Jones says:

    Somebody pass me a lightning rod!!

  16. Unexplicably jello sales have been down dramatically across the wasatch front. Research on the large amounts of stock sold by the conspirators the night beffore the hoax went public continues but the connection seems odd. None of those interviewed were able to express how there could be a jello-mormonism connection.

  17. Who misspelled fiery on the sideblog?

  18. CatherineWO says:

    You people crack me up!

  19. Creating content for all 26 volumes of the Journal of Discourses seemed daunting at first. “We had to produce something that would take up most of the free space on Mormon bookshelves,” said Russell Arben Fox. “Finally, we went with the obvious solution, and just compiled all of Raymond Takashi Swenson’s blog comments. No one ever opens those volumes, so we haven’t been found out yet!”

  20. Steve Evans says:

    B.Russ, some hack, obviously.

  21. The is Onion-worthy. Very good, thank you.

  22. According to conspirator Sam MB, longtime comic book fan Brad Kramer suggested a complicated origin story for humanity, but some of Kramer’s ideas had to be reigned in. “Brad was like, ‘oh man, there’s this huge galactic council meeting,’ and then he scripted this gigantic space battle neeeeroooon! pkkew! Zzzhhhhome! BOOOOOM!!! But everyone freaked out and we had to tone it down to a boring council and this casting out scene that someone said was in the Bible or something.”

  23. With the latest “revelation” of the invention of mormonism, many are now rethinking some of the most charished church slogans, adding words or giving them new meanings.
    For example:
    .”Families can be together forever” is now viewed as a threat instead of a promise.
    .”No other success can compensate for failure on the football field” is now the BYU mantra.
    .and “follow the living profit” has become the axiom for the current economic situation.

  24. Ardis Parshall was key conspirator in creating a new old history for Mormonism, from studying the histories of other made up religions, such as Catholicism, Judaism, and Hare Krishna. Unknown to her readers, a hidden hypnotism program was placed inside each of her blogs to convince them that the invented histories were, in fact, real. She also hypnotized many of them to vote for her for a Niblet Award.

    Meanwhile, research is now being done to find out if their ancestors really ever did exist, and if so, where are they really.

  25. StillConfused says:

    In obvious bestiality overtones, the leaders referred to physical courting rituals as “petting” and “heavy petting” in a way to dissuade dating improprieties.

  26. Conspiracy leaker Barney admitted, after being offered immunity, that he was the inventor of the “Joseph Smith Translation.” When Barney was caught up in the enthusiasm of the myth, after being excluded from the creation of the primary text, he wanted his own claim to fame. But when his midrashic naivete was not well-received as a stand-alone effort by fellow bloggers, he turned against them.

  27. Why would I have a hand in the invention of an American religion?

  28. RJH…kinda like how the Muslims used the native religious tendancies and perverted them to the weakening of the populace-see India- You are mostly likely using this all as a ruse to develop what has now become the teaparty to encourage divisive american politics. You probably plan a hostile takeover…it would have worked too had you been able to hold your cookies and not give in to disgust at the effects of your efforts who are best embodied in Glenn Beck.

  29. Easy, RJH–you did it so that Mack Wilberg could appropriate John Rutter’s compositional idiom and the Anglicans could go back to serious music. I totally understand.

  30. And here I thought Ed Decker had made it all up, so that he would have a reason to film the Godmakers!

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