Sneak Peek at the New Handbook

This Saturday the Church’s new handbook is going to be unveiled in special training meetings beamed to stakes all over the place. Boxes of the new handbooks are sitting right now deep in the bowels of your stake center. Someone in Church distribution, apparently on the theory that BCC is an administrative unit of the Church, actually sent a box of the new handbooks to the BCC offices. While regular Church officers are sworn to secrecy, I don’t remember anyone putting the cone of silence over our little group. So we’re going to go ahead and let you in on some of the changes you’ll find in the pages of the new handbook. To wit:

1. Uno is now prohibited.

2. “Necking” is now referred to as ‘splooching,’ and ‘petting’ is “waga-waga.”

3. All disciplinary councils now to begin with a dramatic reading of The Raven.

4. All families will be required to name their firstborn Mahonri-Moriancumer.

5. Ward Librarian tip jars now prohibited.

6. All guns should be donated to the Church stockpile…to be literally beaten into plowshares for the Stake Farm.

7. Virgos and persons with Irish paternal grandmothers cannot give SM opening prayers.

8. Menstruating women must hand tithing envelopes to counselors rather than directly to the bishop.

9. Mothers are strongly encouraged to refer to their adolescent sons serving as quorum presidents as either “President” or by office-approproate title, i.e. “Deacon/Teacher/Priest [insert last name].”

10. Missionaries should not teach a gay male alone but should only do so in the presence of another straight male or a lesbian or person whose transgendered status is officially reflected on Church records.

11. The PoF is neither a Revelation nor a non-revelation. It should be officially referred to in all official settings and documents as a Non-Non-Revelation.

12. Local leaders who find the official written policies contained in this book insufficiently restrictive and/or capricious are encouraged to make up and enforce additional rules of their own.

13. Members must sit in sacrament meeting based on the Tribe of Israel assigned in their Patriarchal Blessings: Benjamins up front, Reubens in the back, Ephraims in the middle, Levis wherever the hell they want.

14. Polygamy is coming back, only it’s going to be a lottery, like BINGO, for who goes with whom.

15. In addition, Levis may wear jeans to Church. Benjamins will be given 100-dollar bills just for showing up. Reubens will eat blessed sauerkraut (on toasted rye) instead of sacrament bread.

16. Not all Manassehs have to be ward clerks, but all ward clerks have to be Manassehs.

17. All RS rooms will have a giant gong, and anytime Primary Voice is used to address grown women, there shall be a race to see who can gong her first.

18. To train up the rising generation, after children reach 8 and are baptized, they will be required to visit other ward children with a prepared message from the Friend.

19. A remedial class for children, the Secondary, will be established and administered using the Gospel Principles manual and a ball of yarn.

20. Prayers in primary will be given only by little girls to make up for the disparity later in life.

21. Only foods Jesus would eat will be allowed in nursery for snack time.

22. Sterilization is no longer strongly discouraged after couples meet a birthing quota to be determined by ward welfare commitee.

23. All buildings will be equipped with both a mother’s and a father’s lounge (for the sake of equality).

Those of you with advance access, feel free to share new provisions you happened to notice while skimming the contents.

Comments

  1. I thought that when I became an adult I would finally know what “necking” is. I still have no clue. My wife and I tried rubbing our necks together, but it really didn’t do anything for us.

  2. Can we give President Uchtdorf a giant gong for Conference too? Or maybe give it to one sister I’ve heard speak in General Conference in the last five years who didn’t use that annoying primary voice…
    Or maybe they could just create a new requirement for female leadership roles in the church–if you use a primary voice while giving a talk, you’re automatically released.

  3. Would it be appropriate to hide out in said father’s lounge to avoid EQ? Will it have football broadcasts? …. to sooth upset children, of course.

  4. “6. All guns should be donated to the Church stockpile…to be literally beaten into plowshares for the Stake Farm.”

    Favorite!

  5. I really liked this passage:

    “Reading uncorrelated blogs is a sin, ranking somewhere between self-abuse and denying the Holy Ghost. Individual Bishops should seek the promptings of the Spirit and exercise careful discretion in determining appropriate punishment. Bishops are encouraged to solicit the advice of one J. Max Wilson in dealing with particularly probematic cases.”

  6. … the mispelled word “probematic” is actually in the CHI, in case you were wondering.

  7. Chris H,
    That is what we use the Mother’s Lounge for. They don’t call it ‘lounge’ for nothing!

  8. My favorite part of the new handbook is the surprise ending: “rule number 27,300. Please ignore all other rules preceeding this.” what a zinger!

  9. mmiles,

    I knew it. I say we get the lounge. You gals get the priesthood. My kind of trade.

    Aaron,

    As the leader of this evil blog, my guess is that your court date will soon be set.

  10. That Father’s Lounge should have Best Of Glenn Beck piped in. That way, it will be just as instructive as Elder’s Quorum, but without the pesky calls to repentence about the low home teaching numbers.

    Also, I heard that bumping into your home teaching families at Costco will now count as a visit, as long as you pray over the food samples.

  11. But I love hometeachiing…

  12. Chris H.
    You don’t have to impress us.

  13. I’m having a brain fart right now: What does PoF stand for again?

  14. Reagan Republican says:

    Proclamation on the Family

  15. PoF = Priesthood of Fanny (Alger)

    What planet have you been living on, Dave?

  16. Er, I should’ve said “Proposition of Fanny (Alger)”. That would’ve been funnier.

  17. Reagan Republican says:

    I like the seating for the different tribes, and the different privileges of each tribe.

  18. Reagan Republican says:

    Who has to break the bad news to parents that their children will be put into the remedial “Secondary”?

  19. I had a friend would make people laugh by putting her head on my shoulder with her neck against mine, and then petting my back like a cat. “Look! We’re necking and petting!”

  20. I’m familiar with the Proclamation. I’d just never seen it referred to in that abbreviated form, thus it didn’t come to mind.

  21. Murder is strongly discouraged.

  22. @13
    proclamation on the family

  23. In disciplinary councils, before announcing that a decision of excommunication, the presiding officer will place a black cap on his head–like the old English judges when they pronounced a death sentence.

  24. Bad grammar and lousy editing are now subject to church discipline. Faulty conjugators of “lie” and “lay” will be treated in accordance with 2 Nephi 9:34.

  25. Shout-outs in Testimony Meeting

    Shout-outs to Deity are strongly encouraged. Shout-outs to church leaders, both living and deceased, and home teachers and visiting teachers, whether current or former, are encouraged. Shout-outs to EFY, BYU Education Week, BYU Women’s Conference, and Time Out for Women speakers may be appropriate if done in a dignified manner. Shout-outs to spouses, children, parents, and grandparents are neither encouraged nor discouraged and are left to the discretion of the individual member. However, shout-outs to parole and probation officers, former cellmates and/or prison guards, former drinking buddies, AA mentors, shrinks, life coaches, gurus, Dr. Phil, Oprah, hypnotherapists, personal trainers, and diet coaches are never appropriate for Church settings. Shout-outs to musicians and sports stars are strongly discouraged in all settings and may require church discipline if the member persists in such shout-outs after they have been corrected by their bishops or higher authority.

  26. ahhhh I wanted necking and petting to be lumped together as snogging.

    I liek the part about encouraging memebers to seek the gifts of the spirit by giving them calling that they don’t have the skills for yet-including the specific instruction to assign all professional musicians to the scout program so they can learn what is truely important.

  27. a homeschooling conspiracy theorist…sigh

    That’s almost as bad as a homeschooling mom who types like “liek” and refuses to pluralize calling…

    good links though

  28. dude seems to have a lot of time on his hands.

  29. I will say I found this helpful:
    “The church welcomes free speech and protesting as long as ity nis done peaceably and the billing has been scheduler has been notified. Feminist protestors are advised to counsel with a priesthood leader.”

  30. All church meetings such as Ward Council, Priesthood Executive Committee Meeting, Sacrament Meeting etc., will now be called Relief Society.

  31. Darn it. I thought you were serious (and marveled at your “courage” to put your membership on the line like that . . . )

  32. Why can’t the church just get with the baseball analogy that everyone else uses and refer to “necking” and “petting” as second and third base, respectively? Then For the Strength of Youth can simply state that it’s a sin to have runners in scoring position.

  33. I thought that maybe we got the wrong books, but I the Church Office Building. They confirmed that, yes, the message in the front of the CHI was written by the Fist Presidency:
    1) You don’t talk about fight club.
    2) You don’t talk about fight club.
    3) When someone says stop, or goes limp, the fight is over.
    4) Only two guys to a fight.
    5) One fight at a time.
    6) They fight without shirts or shoes.
    7) The fights go on as long as they have to.
    8) If this is your first night at fight club, you have to fight.

  34. And I didn’t even know there was a Fist Presidency. I guess it’s because no one ever talks about it.

  35. #s 2 and 18 – Awesome.

  36. I was going to say “#17 FTW,” but then I read #19. #19 FTW.

  37. Zack (#33), you mis-read just a little bit. This is the REAL message:
    1) You don’t talk about correlation meetings.
    2) You don’t talk about correlation meetings.
    3) When someone says stop, or goes limp, the meeting is over. [Who knew it was that easy?]
    4) Only twenty guys to a meeting.
    5) One meeting at a time.
    6) They fight without suit coats or ties. [White shirts are still mandatory, though]
    7) The meetings go on as long as they have to.
    8) If this is your first meeting, you have to give the spiritual thought.

  38. #6: and what about the misspelling of “mispelled” ? Also in there, I presume? ;) (If I had a daughter, she could be referred to as Miss Spell)

    #21: How would you determine what Jesus would eat? I mean, He _might_ like Cheerios or Froot Loops.

  39. 38) Nope. Fish, honeycomb, and loaves of bread. Nothing else.

  40. I’m wondering if the perma’s cross-referenced IP addresses when they took down “anon”‘s nefarious comments.

  41. permas -‘ (since the grammar police seem to be out . . .)

  42. 39, not even locusts or figs?

  43. Did Jesus eat locusts? I thought that was just John the Baptist.

  44. John brought locusts to the after baptism dessert potluck.

  45. Oohh, don’t forget butter & honey!

    Hey, maybe that’s why Chuck-A-Rama is so popular in Utah. Isaiah doesn’t mention scones specifically, but that honey-butter blend that comes with them… tasty AND righteous!

  46. Following the sacrament, identified grammar fascists in the ward will be forced to don jesters’ caps and dance a jig of shame while a member of the bishopric reads aloud from a textbook on descriptive linguistics.

    Bad grammar and lousy editing are now subject to church discipline.

    What’s your bishop’s number again, Mark? He might be interested in the deficient length of your em-dash and the the missing verb in comment 23.

  47. re 14. Polygamy is coming back, only it’s going to be a lottery, like BINGO, for who goes with whom.

    Actually, the lottery will secretly be fixed. Details in Plato’s Republic.

  48. Latter-day Guy says:

    15, 16,

    Apparently the Church is also commissioning a new series of pageants. The ones I’m most looking forward to are The Ballad of Fanny Alger and The Mountain Meadows Musical.

  49. The Church is putting up all of Handbook 2 online tomorrow night in all its glory at lds.org

    http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/Church-Leaders-to-Release-New-Handbook-of-Instructions

  50. #46
    Is it true that those who are not faithful will not have em-dashes in the … Wait, …nevermind

  51. folks here were told that if you don’t attend the meeting on Sat, you will not get the new book…. hahah yeah – right! I’d love to see the cases and cases of books being locked down and returned to SLC because we were sinners and couldn’t make it due to prior conflicts.

    Gotta love this constant game of ‘telephone’ in which local folks endeavor to inject additional ‘righteousness’ requirements.

  52. We were told that there are no physical books to hand out, but that the only access will be online with your lds dot org account. Can anyone corroborate that?

  53. A quote from my friend about the new handbook:

    “Many are called but few are chosen… for everyone else there’s Wikileaks.”

  54. @52 – according to the press release: “It contains the vast majority of revisions and will be posted online Saturday at lds.org, the Church’s website for members, where anyone can view it.”

  55. 52 – There are definitely physical books to be distributed. I don’t know who all gets them (distribution instructions may have changed), but I know for sure that at least quorum and auxiliary presidents will be receiving the entire Book 2.

  56. High Councilors will be getting a physical Book 2 this time around as well.

  57. My comment actually referred to Book 1. I was told that presidencies and bishoprics would only have access to an electronic copy. It sounds like there is a little more to it than that.

  58. I think that the new dress code says that womens skirts are to between 2 and 6 inches ABOVE

  59. The previous entry was incomplete.
    I think that the new dress code says that womens skirts are to between 2 and 6 inches ABOVE the knee cap. Men should wear kilts or shorts between 2 and 6 inches ABOVE the knee cap. Women should also wear shoulderless blouses with or without straps.

  60. I haven’t looked for the online version of Book 2, but I’ll be shocked if it’s there. They’ve been promising for months that an interactive version of the New Duty To God booklet would be online by mid-september. It’s still not there.

  61. Joes,

    It is already up. Look before whining.

  62. Link?

  63. ANd c’mon, I was just saying what I expected based on previous experience — an experience which still holds water.

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