This Saturday the Church’s new handbook is going to be unveiled in special training meetings beamed to stakes all over the place. Boxes of the new handbooks are sitting right now deep in the bowels of your stake center. Someone in Church distribution, apparently on the theory that BCC is an administrative unit of the Church, actually sent a box of the new handbooks to the BCC offices. While regular Church officers are sworn to secrecy, I don’t remember anyone putting the cone of silence over our little group. So we’re going to go ahead and let you in on some of the changes you’ll find in the pages of the new handbook. To wit:
1. Uno is now prohibited.
2. “Necking” is now referred to as ‘splooching,’ and ‘petting’ is “waga-waga.”
3. All disciplinary councils now to begin with a dramatic reading of The Raven.
4. All families will be required to name their firstborn Mahonri-Moriancumer.
5. Ward Librarian tip jars now prohibited.
6. All guns should be donated to the Church stockpile…to be literally beaten into plowshares for the Stake Farm.
7. Virgos and persons with Irish paternal grandmothers cannot give SM opening prayers.
8. Menstruating women must hand tithing envelopes to counselors rather than directly to the bishop.
9. Mothers are strongly encouraged to refer to their adolescent sons serving as quorum presidents as either “President” or by office-approproate title, i.e. “Deacon/Teacher/Priest [insert last name].”
10. Missionaries should not teach a gay male alone but should only do so in the presence of another straight male or a lesbian or person whose transgendered status is officially reflected on Church records.
11. The PoF is neither a Revelation nor a non-revelation. It should be officially referred to in all official settings and documents as a Non-Non-Revelation.
12. Local leaders who find the official written policies contained in this book insufficiently restrictive and/or capricious are encouraged to make up and enforce additional rules of their own.
13. Members must sit in sacrament meeting based on the Tribe of Israel assigned in their Patriarchal Blessings: Benjamins up front, Reubens in the back, Ephraims in the middle, Levis wherever the hell they want.
14. Polygamy is coming back, only it’s going to be a lottery, like BINGO, for who goes with whom.
15. In addition, Levis may wear jeans to Church. Benjamins will be given 100-dollar bills just for showing up. Reubens will eat blessed sauerkraut (on toasted rye) instead of sacrament bread.
16. Not all Manassehs have to be ward clerks, but all ward clerks have to be Manassehs.
17. All RS rooms will have a giant gong, and anytime Primary Voice is used to address grown women, there shall be a race to see who can gong her first.
18. To train up the rising generation, after children reach 8 and are baptized, they will be required to visit other ward children with a prepared message from the Friend.
19. A remedial class for children, the Secondary, will be established and administered using the Gospel Principles manual and a ball of yarn.
20. Prayers in primary will be given only by little girls to make up for the disparity later in life.
21. Only foods Jesus would eat will be allowed in nursery for snack time.
22. Sterilization is no longer strongly discouraged after couples meet a birthing quota to be determined by ward welfare commitee.
23. All buildings will be equipped with both a mother’s and a father’s lounge (for the sake of equality).
Those of you with advance access, feel free to share new provisions you happened to notice while skimming the contents.