The 23rd installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
This week: GST, Steve, Matt and Ken are joined by our friend, mentor and guide, Karen Hall.
GST: Who is this Karen Hall?
Ken: I lived in Karen Hall freshman year.
GST: awkward! Hi Karen.
Karen: Ken, we were keeping that quiet.
Steve: Not awkward. Ken is a disembodied spirit.
Matthew: Like Bob on Twin Peaks.
Ken: True story. Just try to shake my hand.
GST: He was cast out of Karen Hall.
Steve: he did possess karen’s body freshman year, and used it to perform all manner of hijinx.
Ken: That crusty old dean deserved it!
Karen: this explains those memory lapses…and voice mail messages.
Nine rolls of brown tweed carpet was stolen from Wymount building 1 C between Aug. 13 and Aug. 16. The 126 yards of carpet was to be installed on the 16th, but when carpet installers showed up that morning, it was gone. Neighbors did not report seeing anyone suspicious. The carpet was worth $1,131.
Steve: Ken already knows what joke I’m going to make.
Ken: I got a sneak preview of the stuff Steve and Bruce Vilanch came up with last night.
Matthew: I am terrible at these kind of math problems.
GST: I would pay someone $1,131 to steal my “brown tweed” carpet.
Ken: By now that “brown tweed carpet” could be installed in any stake center in Utah!
Steve: I suspect — though I cannot prove it, the MTC stole that carpet and made cheap suits for missionaries.
GST: We use “tweed” carpet in stake centers–on the walls. Why do we carpet chapel walls?
Ken: In case Lionel Richie attends. Sometimes he just starts walking up there.
Ken: “Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can’t go give him a bill, so what the @#$% are you talking about?”
Steve: The nihilists took it! Btw, that is expensive freaking carpet. $125 per roll! For that much they could have had some fine linoleum installed by our friends at Empire Carpet.
GST: It tied the whole married dorm together.
Ken: In the married dorm, the residents tie each other together.
Karen: That would make an interesting police beat.
Ken: As approved by Bro. Brinley in “Between Husband and Wife.”
GST: The only church tract with a “wockachicka” soundtrack.
Ken: It’s in the chapter called “Bound When You Do What I Say.”
Karen: I think the spirit only resides in buildings with a certain quality of carpet, telestial or above.
Ken: Nursery carpet is outer darkness.
Karen: Nursery is outer darkness. The carpet is just an accessory.
Steve: You progress from the brown tweed of the fallen telestial to the neutral berber loop-pile of terrestrial, finally to the textured plush of heaven. (I know a lot about carpet)
GST: Nursery carpet is the church equivalent of casino carpet–ugly patterns to camouflage dropped chips.
Ken: When celebs like general authorities visit our meetings, we always try to roll out the traditional brown tweed carpet.
Matthew: Do they make Rumbies that go up the wall?
Steve: is that the plural of roomba? Roombae?
Ken: Rumbi Island Grill?
Matthew: Yeah, that’s it.
GST: Matt is a robot expert, I hope you all realize.
Matthew: I don’t know what they’re called. We do all our vacuuming manually.
Steve: …with straws and buckets.
Ken: IBM’s Watson supercomputer is doing my carpet right now.
Karen: ick! the imagery!
Karen: (straws, not watson)
GST: The Trib once called him for comment on a robot issue because of his demonstrated expertise at his robot blog. Seriously.
Ken: I would love to have “Robot Expert” below my name on CNN.
Matthew: Not the Trib. It was some local radio show.
GST: Matt’s niche is really “sexy robots.”
Ken: Do you pronounce it “Row-butt” like old people do?
A suspicious male jogger was reportedly annoying women as they jogged on the indoor Smith Fieldhouse track Sept. 1 between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. The jogger did not say anything lewd or inappropriate, but continued to talk to the women and invade their personal space. When the women sped up, the subject would cut across the basketball court and meet them on the other side. After several reports of this activity, officers identified the subject and contacted him the next day. The officer requested the man leave the women alone and not talk to them unless he first had their permission. The subject agreed not to bother the women. There has been no further incident or action taken.
GST: “suspicious” in DU speak equals black, we all know. “Personal space” means “Utah County.”
Matthew: BYU has some stuck up girls.
Karen: Not talk unless he had permission? That nixes out the missionary program.
Steve: Permission to speak flirtatiously sir!
Hey girls, looking good!
Ken: Wait, is that “lewd”? Or “inappropriate”? I like the suggestion that lewd comments may or may not be appropriate.
Matthew: Girls want us to be confident and outgoing, but then when we follow them around at the gym being confident and outgoing they pull this kind of crap.
Ken: That was pretty smart that he knew about that basketball court shortcut. Of course, he would, since he turned out to be Brandon Davies.
Karen: I think we’re going to have to expand our definition of “suspicious” to include ugly. Poor kid, now it’s memorialized in the DU.
Steve: His comments were totally appropriate, on-point and apropos for conversations mid-jog.
Karen: I like that the campus police job now includes “teach kidz social skillz.”
GST: “I feel short-breathed, a tightness in my chest, and shooting pains down my left arm. Could you call 911?” “Get lost, creep.”
Ken: “YOU’RE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE!!!” I was at BYU for, like, five or six years, and never had anyone of the opposite sex in personal space.
Steve: Apparently their personal space is susceptible to invasion. It’s like the Poland of the Smith Fieldhouse.
GST: It is a vast plain devoid of natural defenses.
Matthew: He’s still free to hang around in their public space right?
Karen: Is the dimension of your personal space directly related to the “living pornographiness” of your outfit? Is this another story problem?
Ken: He was actually hanging out in their Innerspace, in a miniaturized submarine.
Steve: You need a Maginot Line for personal space. Some sort of artillery and barbed wire hamster ball.
There was a reported exhibitionist Aug. 18 around 1:30 p.m. on a hill south of campus. The victim reported going to the hill to read a book, and she sat down near the creek to soak her feet while she read. The male, described as being in his early twenties with short bleached hair, walked down the path and moved out of sight behind an emergency telephone booth. Moments later, the victim sensed a presence behind her and discovered the male exposing himself. The victim turned and left the area. The subject did not follow the victim. The victim later reported the incident, after being encouraged by her mother.
Steve: I sense a presence… something I’ve not felt since…..
Ken: Those emergency telephone booths cause so many crimes! That’s where they get their name — they cause emergencies.
GST: I should think that you could actually describe an exhibitionist with a lot more particularity than they tend to in these items.
Karen: a presence? was it a real guy or a ghost guy? Did she ask to shake his…oh nevermind.
Steve: What is this girl, a Hobbit? Who is soaking their feet in a creek?
Matthew: I like that he only exposes himself when girls aren’t looking. Then when they do look, he respectfully leaves.
Ken: The girl was Tom Sawyer, and she later persuaded the exhibitionist to help her whitewash a fence.
Matthew: A gentleman exhibitionist!
Karen: I would expect no less at BYU.
Steve: Honestly, unless you’ve just walked the plains, soaking your feet in a creek is just bizarre behavior. That might fly at Lilith Fair, but on campus? NO THANK YOU SIR!
GST: Is the guy perpetually dejected when the girls leave and call the police? Or does he think, “This is going to work one of these days!”
Ken: I am picturing her with wavy lines emanating from her head like Spider-Man. “My penis-sense is tingling!”
GST: I agree on the foot soaking thing. This is not acceptable behavior. She pretty much deserved to get flashed.
Karen: I think it’s against the dress code. Perhaps he was just a gentle enforcer of public morals.
Steve: You dip your feet, you’re gonna get a schwang in your face. That’s just what the Bible says.
GST: Unorthodox, sure, but still an enforcer of public morals.
Ken: Her innocent foot-dipping soon turned into the forest nude scene that the IC used to cut out of Room with a View.
Karen: And I think we’ve all learned a little something about slippery slopes today kiddos.
GST: Did they cut that? I thought IC is where Don Marshall let it all hang out.
Karen: Everything but that.
Ken: Even Don Marshall couldn’t tolerate Simon Callow’s naughty bits
GST: Everything below Maeser is a slippery slope, figuratively and literally.
Matthew: Again, you try to be confident with a girl and this is how they react.
Ken: Yeah, don’t go below “the Maeser” on a first date.
GST: (To myself) “How confident am I? THIS CONFIDENT.” Bam.
Ken: “The Maeser” is a chalk circle a girl draws on her body before the date.
Karen: Sir, I don’t go below the Maeser until I’m married!
Matthew: The Maeser-Dixon line?
Steve: btw, the phone booth? a TARDIS. Now re-evaluate that story.
Ken: “Hey baby. Wanna play a quick game of Maeser Tag?”
Karen: If it’s in the TARDIS, hell yeah.
Climbing over the fence into Haws Field to play soccer, a student leaned against a nearby light pole to brace himself. Momentarily, the student felt a rush of electricity. The electric shop was notified and examined the pole, but could find nothing abnormal. The incident occurred on Oct. 6 around 6:10 p.m.
Ken: That was the exact time the lightning was due to hit the old clock tower!
GST: BTW, I worked in the electric shop.
Karen: He should have called the religion department instead of the electricians.
GST: What was he bracing for? Gale force winds or something?
Karen: Bracing himself to talk to the cute joggers.
Steve: Hello lamp-post, what cha knowing? zzzzzzzapp!
Karen: Instant repentance. God just went old school.
Ken: It was later revealed to be a field experiment by the psychology department.
GST: He was trying to steady the ark.
Steve: THERE…. ARE….. FOUR… LIGHTS!!
GST: Where is Haws Field? Is that the campus airstrip or something?
Ken: OH THE HUMANITY!!!
Ken: I like how the story sets up that this never would have happened if he hadn’t been sneaking on to the soccer field. It’s a little morality play.
GST: Everything in Police Beat is a morality play. If this exercise has taught us anything, it’s that.
Ken: Yeah, none of this stuff ever happened. It’s like the stories in the New Era.
Karen: I’m convinced my entire BYU experience was a morality play, I just haven’t figured out the moral yet. I think it may have been get more sleep.
Steve: I believe in the historicity of Police Beat — without it our entire religion fails.
Ken: It is the keystone of the Daily Universe.
Steve: don’t give me no Limited Suspicious Male Theory BS either!
Ken: I believe there were two different Haws Fields. Fun fact: one is in Guatemala.
GST: But I’m unclear on Police Beat geography. Where is the “narrow neck of land” between the JKHB and ASB?
Steve: When Wilkinson came the whole face of the land was changed, so the reference points are completely invalid!
Karen: wherever BY is doing the funky chicken is Zion to me.
GST: I think we may yet discover vast parts of the HBLL underground!
Steve: There’s a wagonload of police beats in the Nutty Putty Caves somewhere.
The Daily Universe reported in the Sept. 10 edition of Police Beat that a “suspicious” person at the Oak Hills chapel. Based on the description given, it was concluded that this person had also been stopped two weeks earlier by the University Police. A description and an advisory to use caution around this person were printed. It was not conclusively substantiated that both incidents involved the same man, or that the person reported had actually done something illegal. The Daily Universe and University Police regret any misunderstanding that may have resulted from this report.
Steve: CORRECTION FAIL.
Ken: Provo’s lone black resident finally lawyered up! Good job.
GST: I’d like to see the litigation threat that occasioned that correction.
Karen: Um, new investigator at church?
Matthew: Suspicious people all look the same to me.
Ken: I’m like Stephen Colbert. I just DONT SEE suspicion!
Karen: so he may or may not have been the same person, and may or may not have been suspicious?
GST: Have we considered before what might be the object of their suspicion, these suspicious males?
Steve: Karen, for sure that dude was suspicious. Same dude both times? Doing anything illegal, or even inappropriate? Probably not. But we’ll still assassinate his character.
Ken: So the University Police is now posting flyers about suspicious males? I never saw those.
GST: They’re probably suspicious of all the 19 year-old white girls that call the police every time they walk near campus.
Karen: I feel safer knowing that the suspicious are being suspected.
Matthew: If you see a man in an overcoat and sunglasses, call campus police.
Karen: Unless it is the campus police.
Ken: Oh wait, I saw that “advisory.” Here it is. http://www.boingboing.net/images/lionelrrrrr.jpg
Steve: Inspector Gadget can’t even go on campus these days.
Matthew: A suspicious male with a screwdriver coming out of his finger.
GST: Lionel Richie does seem to meet the criteria. Or rather, criterion, singular.
Karen: I literally can’t name one trenchcoated individual. Damn, that’s a good disguise.
Ken: I found Lionel’s 1992 hit “Do It to Me” to be lewd, and even occasionally inappropriate.
GST: But the lewd parts and the inappropriate parts don’t exactly match up.
Ken: Hey that happened on my honeymoon!
Karen: But the BEAT of the music did not simulate anything inappropriate or appropriate only during marriage, so it’s fine.
Steve: I’m just glad Ken stopped confusing Lionel Ritchie with Billy Ocean. (suspicious pop superstars)
GST: Get out of my dreams, and into the back seat of my BYU Police squad car.
Officers responded to a call over a dispute on Haws Field Saturday, May 20. Due to controversial calls and high emotions surrounding the National High School Rugby Championship, some feared fights might break out. Officers found no fights when they arrived on the scene. The officers monitored the area, and everyone went home.
Ken: Holy cow, Haws Field is the West Baltimore of campus!
Steve: Haws Field 2: Hawter Than Ever.
Ken: Though I’ve never heard of it, it’s a seamy criminal netherworld.
Steve: It’s the campus equivalent of Hamsterdam.
Karen: Well, it’s BYU, maybe they weren’t fighting but just doing that west side story fighting.
Ken: Some nights BYU cops won’t even go into Haws Field!
GST: ” Due to controversial calls and high emotions surrounding the National High School Rugby Championship, some feared fights might break out.” In other words, due to the fact that there were a bunch of Tongan and Samoan teenagers on campus, administrators assumed there was going to be a lot of fisticuffs.
Ken: “Suspicious Lamanites”
Steve: Suspicious Rugby Supporters.
GST: Suspicious Sons of Hagoth.
Ken: I like how the cops here are blaming rugby referees for instigating this whole thing…
Steve: It’s like the Hunger Games or something.
Ken: It’s the Hunger Games, with more scrums!
Karen: Well, Rugby is one of those “furriner” sports played by Brits and Commies.
Steve: Karen, tell me you’ve read the Hunger Games series. You’re pretty much the target demo.
Karen: Hunger Games on BYU campus would be AWESOME. If by target demo, you mean sophisticated career woman with highbrow taste, you’re right!
Ken: I only play sports named after private schools, like “Rugby” and “Badminton,” and “Maeser Tag.”
GST: If we’re going to introduce post-apocalyptic death games to BYU, I’d have to go with “The Long Walk” over Hunger Games.
Ken: No, BYU is Logan’s Run. If you’re there and single and 30, they kill you.
Steve: It’s not death, Ken. It’s a celebration of life! Carousel!
Karen: Maybe Hunger Games was written as an object lesson by the food storage acolytes. One great big mormon conspiracy.
Ken: The Twilight books are also about alternate food sources in the event of emergency.
Steve: I will admit that I added a jewel-encrusted hunting bow to our emergency preparedness kit.
On Aug. 23 around 4 p.m. a suspicious letter was received in the Benson building dean’s office. The letter discussed a paleolithic skeleton found in the building and requested administrative action. A police investigation found the author to be a resident of an insane asylum.
GST: Appoint that man CES director!
Karen: It was actually SteveP’s lecture notes.
Ken: Did the letter writer have the initials for “No Death Before Fall” preceding his name?
Karen: There wasn’t enough room on Noah’s Ark for the dinosaurs! They had to go!
Steve: actually, the author of the letter was Walter Bishop, so it’s not really a laughing matter, thanks very much. As a warrior-recruit in the oncoming apocalyptic battle with the parallel universe, I don’t really find these snide remarks very humorous.
Matthew: Did the return address say “Insane Asylum”?
Ken: He’s not the letter writer BYU wants, but he’s the one that it deserves.
Matthew: Do they take administrative action on skeletons? Is that against the honor code?
Karen: Only paleolithic skeletons.
Ken: My seminary teacher used to tell us that cavemen just SEEMED to be primitive and ape-like because societies would naturally send their ugliest residents to live in caves.
Karen: or “so called” paleolithic skeletons.
GST: Ken, like I said, this guy is a natural for a CES post.
Matthew: The skeleton they found was only a couple hundred years old, so they knew this guy must be nuts.
Karen: It was hazing for the seminary teaching program.
GST: Getting up at 4:15 5 days a week is the very definition of hazing.
Ken: We are assuming he had doctrinal issues with the dating of the skeleton. Maybe he just didn’t like the looks it kept giving him.
Karen: I think he didn’t like the doctrine it was preaching. “Eat drink and be merry, for in six million years you may die.”
Steve: To be honest, I would have doctrinal issues dating a skeleton as well, but fortunately Mischa Barton isn’t LDS.
You know, my problem with The O.C. is that the rebellious dude looked completely harmless and milquetoast.
Karen: THAT was your problem with the OC?
Steve: the rest of the show was pure art, flawless and amazing.
GST: They could have used an injection of Luke Perry.
Ken: Couldnt we all!
Karen: that goes without saying.
Matthew: I have other problems with the OC.
GST: Give me 500 cc’s of Luke Perry, STAT.
Ken: I so rarely get the chance to use the joke variant “That’s what Brenda said!”
Steve: his rodeo movie is just so vastly underrated.
Matthew: Wasn’t he in a post-apocalyptic movie with Theo? Or TV series?
Ken: He has a cameo at the beginning of The Fifth Element. Spoilers: the Fifth Element IS LOVE! Or maybe boron, I can’t remember.
Steve: Theo’s in the 5th element???
Ken: Luke Perry!
Karen: Which Theo are we talking about here?
Steve: Huxtable, I hope!
Matthew: I remember there’s a suspicious guy in it. Didn’t know that was Theo.
Karen: that’s what I thought.
Steve: or Dr. Theophilus.
Ken: The entire Huxtable family was suspicious
Karen: suspiciously likeable.
Steve: Twiki was suspicious.
Ken: Thank you for joining us for Free Association Roundtable, aka FART.