Faux Books (what books do you imagine you are reading?)

Ok, it’s been rainy and snowy when I can’t go outside and play I turn to the world of my imaginary friends. Since some of my best friends are books, I turn to imaginary books. Such as:

The Gilligan Island Chronicles #126: The Professor’s Bloody Rampage
What happens when The Professor and Mrs. Howl’s affair is discovered? How far will the Professor go to silence the eyewitnesses?

Beard of the Court
Dwarf Lawyer Glimlon Thunderbeard faces his greatest challenge when he is asked to prosecute Nip Boffenbranch chief financial officer of the Hobbit firm Proudfoot, Blom and Babbin. His only witness is a strung-out elf drug addict named Glimmer from the urban elvin-ghetto Lothimore-Scag. Court drama at its finest.

No Voice For Dreams
In this alternate reality, human wannabe and ex-mermaid Arial does not get her kiss, and never gets her voice back. Unable to watch the relatively happy marriage of the Witch Queen Ursula and the prince, she leaves to London where she becomes a proto-mime and realizes while working among the poor and starving citizens that it takes more than having a snarfblat to be happy.

The Hoaxster
Investigative reporter Garth Stag, cuts through a shady underworld of scientists who have formed a conspiracy to claim that the planet is warming. Faced with men and woman who will do anything to get the next research grant, he braves the dangers of the dark and shady world known as academia, to cut through the Ph.D cabal that threatens the American way.

The Gradient
This 1569 page tome chronicles the multigenerational saga of a bacterial colony trapped in a granite fissure a mile below the Earth in the Canadian Shield. Will a mutation forever change the chemicals thought important since the Cambrian? I won’t spoil it, but read this book!

Horse Poetry
Yosemite’s Red-faced Conundrum, a retired thoroughbred gelding, has for years rearranged a set of magnetic-words with his mouth on a metallic board mounted in his stall, creating a rich body of poetry. All of them are good, but my favorite was: ‘Oats catapult among blue ants.’ Mostly because I like ants.

Non-Fiction

I won’t detail these because the titles for the most part give hints of what they are about.

Getting the Most Out of Your Colonoscopy: Cutting through the crap

Reptile Founding Fathers: The Origin of the Constitution in the Late Permian.

Robotic Toothbrushes: a Retrospective (an art-house photography book).

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Hyenas: What the African Savannah Teaches about Running a Business

Pi: The Newly Discovered Digits of 2009 and What the Liberal Media is Not Telling You About Them

What imaginary books are you reading? Write a short back-cover blurb. Point out real books that sound like imaginary ones! Time for a little late Spring creativity. Who knows maybe your fake book will become a real book some day? (As did the protagonist in Pinocchio’s Paper Mill Mystery–pulp fiction at its finest) Just for fun, to the entry I like best, I will send a free copy of my book, A Short Stay in Hell (You can choose Kindle or Print). The BCC perms are welcome to list books, but are ineligible for the gift).

Let the wild rumpus begin.

Comments

  1. Thomas Parkin says:

    All the Pretty Mules – Two 90 year old men escape their retirement community and cross into Canada on the backs of mules. They discover the forbidden passion which they have kept hidden from each other, and from themselves, for decades. They also learn that Canada is no country for old men riding mules.

  2. Thomas Parkin says:

    Game of Thrones – A history of the British monarchy’s obsession with playing duck-duck-goose.

  3. Non-Fiction

    Stegosaurus — Super-powers and Deadly Deviants: the true account of a dinosaur mob family.

    Dive in an experience the very real life of the Stegosaurus mob family, the Spikey-Spines. In order to break the common misconception that the Stegosaurus is a peaceful herbivorous creature, scientist Dr. Rod Alpha travels back in time to discover the secret history of these (in actuality) hostile and viscous dinosaurs. The drama, the murder and suspense are all real events, recorded in Dr. Alpha’s own journal.
    A great read for the whole family.

  4. Mrs. Howl? Is that a character created by Alan Ginsberg?

  5. An theological Exposition of Romans, based on the Greek, with Insights from the Book of Mormon and Extensive non-dogmatic Footnotes- by a new Apostle, and published by Deseret Book in 2 Volumes.

  6. Pierre Menard, Author of the Quixote

  7. Latter-day Guy says:

    MCQ, You know, after reading Howl, I really can’t imagine Ginsberg with a missus.

  8. Reggie L. says:

    Although in the original story by Hans Christian Anderson, Ariel doesn’t get her kiss, and dies of grief. Just saying.

  9. Caught in a Cantor Sea: So Many Islands, So Far Apart.

  10. Answers to Gospel Mysteries, Volume 3. I’m currently on the article about the geography of Kolob.

  11. Dustin says:

    Put the fun back in funeral: 25 ways to make your funeral the social event of the season.

  12. I am trying to picture a viscous dinosaur.

  13. “The General Authority Book” by Todd Parr.

    “Some GAs like to scold you. Some GAs like to tell you that women are incredible. Some GAs like to tell airplane stories. All GAs love you very much!”

  14. Of course, I only read that one to my imaginary nursery class. For my own imaginary reading, I sometimes turn to “Firefly: The companion guide to the multiple-Emmy-award-winning season 8.”

  15. There’s also a horror novel I’ve been keeping my make-believe eye on.

    “Former U.S. Army Ranger Kurt Kimmell thought he had left danger behind him. After recovering from extensive injuries, he became a regular guy, pushing paper at a cushy corporate office. But then he began to notice things: His co-workers always left meetings dumber than they went in. The employees with the most tenure were also the least competent. Some meetings didn’t even pretend to serve a purpose. Little did he realize that the metal plate in his head was his only defense against the malicious code lurking in his company’s presentation software that fed off the brain waves of all who attended meetings. But even worse, with each email, the zombie program spread, constantly seeking new braaaiiiins.

    Kimmel is now the only person who can save the world from…

    UN-DEATH BY POWERPOINT!

  16. Sesame Gate: an SG-1 adventure — Elmo’s thinking about Jaffa, and now the members of SG-1 must traverse the whole of Sesame Street to find the stargate that will take them home again. (Spoiler: It’s in Oscar’s trash can.) Along the way, they learn how to share, tie their combat boots, and sing songs about the letter W and the number 4.

  17. Borrowed from my sisters: Questions to Gospel Answers

  18. Waiting for Frodot. Existential crisis in the Shire.

  19. Steve_G says:

    Return From Many Islands – How Johnny Lingo went from a simple island trader to Makeover Mogul.

    After the honeymoon to many islands, Johnny and his bride Mahona return to their childhood home to find her father ranting about how he was cheated and how Mahona was worth 16 cows instead of 8. Johnny, always the shrewd businessman, sees an opportunity and sells Mahona back for 16 cows… Lingo’s new makeover resort “Many Islands” really takes off as brideprice inflation takes its toll and competition among fathers becomes fierce.

  20. Buffy: Adventures in Space

    With dozens of slayers keeping an eye on planet Earth, Buffy and her friends seek new frontiers and new enemies, including the Borg, Reavers, and the Empire. Will our heroes live long and prosper? Or will they be eaten alive?

  21. “His co-workers always left meetings dumber than they went in.” Liar. That’s not fiction.

  22. Biography of Ardis E. Parshall: The Step-by-Step Analysis to How She Achieved Success, Wealth, Happiness, and Recognition between 2011 and 2020 (2059)

  23. Mark Brown says:

    The Documentary Hypothesis and The Pearl of Great Price: A Reconciliation, by Thomas S. Monson

  24. Mark Brown says:

    Introduction to Computer Logic: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Hex, by Cynthia L.

  25. Harry Potter and the Geriatric’s Stone

    “J. K. Rowling’s granddaughter continues with the 141st entry in this series, as Harry, now debilitated with dementia (not dementors), has to deal with an enormous kidney stone. Hermione, although confined to a walker, manages with Wesley’s non-interference to steal an ancient spell book that transforms her wand into a portable lithotripsy machine. All the while, Draco Malfoy, recently retired Minister of Social Service programs, tries to cut off their insurance benefits.”

  26. The Borg Guide to Social Networking, by Locutus (with a new forward by Steve Ballmer/Bloviatus)

    Dealing with post-assimilation social networking, and the need to stay connected to your peers, this fun primer by a recent addition to the Collective, details how to avoid all those embarrassing moments following your first implants all the way to ultimate galactic domination. Available online where ever you plug in!

  27. Jacob M says:

    Time for bad joke! The Horse Poetry wouldn’t be written by a tv star about middle ages single women, would it?

  28. Jacob M says:

    “The Mormon Mommy Mafia”

    A Thelma and Louis-esque story about feminist Mormon housewives who band together to fight against the Man who’s holding them down.

  29. Typo in number 25, should read “Ron Weasley’s” not “Wesley’s”.

  30. #29 – Mixing Harry Potter and Princess Bride references seems like such a Mormon thing to do.

  31. Thomas Parkin says:

    10. Harry Potter and the Silver in the Silverware Drawer. Harry learns about table manners at Hogworts. He later learns how to sell off his step parent’s silver for extra walking money.

    9. Harry Potter and the Groondock of Floodydedoody. Ron’s love for Hermione enters a difficult and tender stage and they all get their first springtime glimpses of the magic Down-Below.

    8. Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort’s Nose in his Pocket. In which we learn why the Dark Lord is so pissed off.

    7. Harry Potter, There and Back Again. Harry joins with Gandalf and some dwarfs to recover the dwarfs’ gold, which is being guarded by a dreadful dragon somewhere over the Misty Mountains.

    6. Harry Potter and the Zipper of Doom. Harry Potter’s adolescent frustrations continue as he accidentally wears Voldemort’s pants to Hogworts’ Homecoming Dance.

    5. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Tweezers. Harry discusses Foucault and Wittgenstein with Dumbledore while Ron and Hermione sleep nearby.

    4. Harry Potter and the Timely Spinach. Harry escapes detection when a magical strand of uncut spinach gets caught in the back of Snape’s throat.

    3. Harry Potter and the Secret of All Secrets. Psst pssshht pssst psssst psst … pass it on.

    2. Harry Potter and the Mellow Yellow. Harry learns that he was first conceived while J.K. Rowling was heavily heavily dosed.

    1. Harry Potter and Dr. Freud’s Blinking Suspicion. In which we learn that Harry’s adventures are the dream/wish fulfillment of a deeply introverted boy abused by his step father.

  32. Aaron B says:

    The Wizard of Oz, II: Payback’s a Bitch

    In this terrifying thriller by L. Frank Baum, the Wicked Witch of the North-Northeast, descends on Oz to kick ass and take names. Determined to avenge her cousin’s watery death, she decimates the munchkin population with her hattori hanzo sword, and burns and pillages the Emerald City with reckless abandon. Can Dorothy of Kansas — fresh off her third stint at Betty Ford — get herself together enough to return and join forces with her former comrades? Can she save Oz from its latest existential crisis? Will she finally hook up with Mr. Scarecrow? Read the book and find out if those ruby slippers were just made for walkin’, or if they double as handy tools for bludgeoning an old crone’s skull.

  33. Kiskilili FTW.

  34. charlene says:

    Anne of Green Acres –

    Well-born but suddenly orphaned Anne is adopted to a distant backwoods by an elderly couple who really wanted a boy. Most challenging of the farm chores are slopping pigs without dirtying her white gloves, and carrying the milk pails and parasol at the same time. Anne’s whining on FB is discovered by the postmistress, but thoroughly confuses the rest of the townsfolk.

  35. Not So Harry Potter and the Barbershop of Secrets.

    Note, if you show up for a colonoscopy with anything but a completely empty and clean colon, they send you home, fyi.
    o

  36. And the winner? Thomas Parkin right out of the gate with #1!

  37. Thomas Parkin says:

    Man. I am having a really good day. :)

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