The White Corpse Prophecy

While I for one have given up on the rapture, I am still quite certain that the Zombie Apocalypse is not far away. Even the CDC has seen the future. As Mormons it’s time to stand up and get ready to save the world. Why you ask? Because the conditions of the White Corpse Prophecy (WCP) seem to nearing completion. “The what?” you ask. I will explain. I hope you are ready for the truth.

What is the WCP? It appears that something genuine underwrites what was rewritten by one John Roberts as the White Horse Prophecy. His was a corrupted version, however, based on rumor and innuendo, of truths that were floating about at the time. It appears that Jonny-hot-cakes (as his friends called him) had a REAL document from which he claimed to draw and which he also appears to have completely manipulated to push forward his political agenda.

However, there was a prophecy! This document I speak of is real and I have it. It has remained with my family for generations. You can tell it is ancient because the sides are burned and it is very yellow with age. Obvious signs of authenticity.

This is the first appearance of this text in print. I have decided that it is time to reveal these things to the Saints that they may prepare more fully. What it portrays will change everything you believe about the Last Days.

It happened on July 4th, 1843. These events were recorded by my great great (so on and so on) grandfather in his careful and detailed diary the day after they happened, so you know they are accurate. It opens with Joseph, chatting with one of my ancestors, one Martin Horton. They were standing alone waiting for a riverboat when these events took place.

“Horton,” Joseph said, “I would like to tell you about the last days. Are you ready for the truth? Will you follow the revelations that I will reveal to you this day?”

“Aye matey.” Said my ancestor, who used to be a pirate.

“It shall come to pass that by and by an army of the living dead will afflict the Saints.”

“Arrrrrg” said my ancestor rolling his ‘r’s.

“It shall come in a day when the Saints shall write all their thoughts upon ever scrolling paper. Behold, I mean all their thoughts (An obvious reference to the bloggernacle). And from the graves they shall arise. Hungry and ravenous. Without conscience and without blood they shall seek to destroy the living.”

“Shiver me timbers,” said Grandpa Horton, ‘That’ll be somthin t’ be a feared.’

“Behold it shall be the brains of the living they shall seek. And they will not be stoppable by musket or saber. Rotting and dead they will walk upon the Earth. Yea, even their constitution will hang by a thread—a piece of sinew perhaps, or a bit of putrid flesh.”

“Yar, ‘twill not be fair sailing in them thar days.”

“Yea,” and as Joseph said this, his eyes flashed with bright anger and he looked into the distance as if he were seeing far far into the future, “it will be a time when pale white corpses drained of all color, be they once black or white, male or female, will lurch across the land wrecking death and destruction. Unstoppable. Undead.”

“Scratch me barnacles, Bro. Joseph! Wat’ll become o’ the Saints?” Said my ancestor quaking in his breeches.

But Bro. Joseph standing tall and unmoved by the terror he was describing reached out and patted him on the back and smiled fiercely, “Fear not Bro. Horton, for although the world shall look to fall, it will be the Elders and Sisters of Zion that shall ride out of the Rocky Mountains on horses of hard and shiny steel, and upon great airships like the balloons of France, leading a great mechanical army of fearless Saints forged from the minerals of the everlasting hills, who shall crush them and usher in a great new era.”

“Blyme” cried my ancestor, ‘twill be a glorious day!”

“But prepare that you be not taken unaware. For this day will surely come. I have seen it.”

So there you have it folks. The providence of this prophecy is sure. It’s time to prepare—for the White Corpse Prophecy is about to be fulfilled.

Comments

  1. StillConfused says:

    “careful and detailed dairy the day after they happened, so you know” What is a careful and detailed dairy? How many cows are in such a dairy?

  2. He wrote in butter.

  3. :0 Must have been inspired by that great monster hunter Abraham Lincoln.

  4. Jeremiah W. says:

    “You can tell it is ancient because the sides are burned and it is very yellow with age. Obvious signs of authenticity.”

    I respectfully disagree. Something like that can easily be faked.

  5. If it could be faked someone would have done it.

  6. I for one welcome this revelation and relish its piratical flavor. Pay no attention to the skeptics.

  7. Thank you Ardis! In the coming Apocalypse you can count on me to have your back.

  8. andrew h says:

    For any of you who may now fear for your lives and who in righetousness seek divine protection, I met a member of the Church on my mission in Oklahoma who informed me that God had given him the power to give special priesthood blessings that granted the faithful reciver an invisible protective force field. He was very anxious to share these protective fields with any who believed him.

    He is easy to find as he currently lives in the Utah State Prison in Draper (charged with marrying his 13 year old daughter to a 63 year old man. This story IS TRUE by the way, the perp involved was even called as a witness in the Brian David Mitchell trial).

  9. SteveP, you are freaking awesome.

  10. Rob Osborn says:

    Will we get to blast them with shotguns? I have always wanted to blast off a zombies head and have it still coming after me…only without being able to see where it is going.

  11. Was Joseph referring to fast zombies or slow zombies? He said they will “walk” the earth, which seems to imply slow zombies…

    It’s good that we have a living prophet who can further clarify, so that we can properly prepare. I recommend flame throwers for slow zombies, but will defer to the direction from Salt Lake.

  12. Bro. Jones says:

    #11 I love you and I love BCC.

    Also, I’m looking forward to zombie preparedness lessons in Sunday School reemphasizing how the Lord rules the heart, but not the mind–reminding us to shoot for zombies’ heads.

  13. larryco_ says:

    I’ve always favored the White Castle Prophecy: that some day those little burgers, along with Dunkin’ Donuts, would find their way to the Wasatch Front.

  14. Hoffman’s latest?

  15. Josh B. says:

    the world will never tire of the next rapture, and the next, and the next…

  16. I’m a little confused Steve, When you told Ardis you would “Have ” her back, were you meaning it in a protective way or a “have a happy meal” kind of way?

  17. FSM Disciple says:

    Since there’s a pirate in this prophecy than I’ll wager that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is behind it.

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