Reader Question Box #7: Halloween edition: “body hair resurrection”

Leia and Jabba - Mormon Halloween Dance

Leia and Jabba at a Mormon Singles Halloween Dance

Reader Question Box is a series where we answer questions that show up in our website traffic monitoring statistics as Google search terms that led people to us. Copious oddities are to be found in the search term logs, and some worthwhile questions. (In case you missed our previous editions: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6)

Question: “body hair resurrection”
Answer: This seemed like a good, zombie-like topic for a Halloween edition. And it’s actually quite an interesting question. Will I have to shave my legs after the resurrection? Or by then will I be able to feel at peace with hairy legs? What about back hair? What about beards?

Matthew 10:30:
But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

It doesn’t say anything about body hair. Quite a mystery. Rebecca J carefully considers all the hair restoration angles in this post. Readers, weigh in!

Question: “mormon halloween dance”
Answer: This reader was probably looking for Steve Evans’ interview of Elna Baker, author of The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. But, in the spirit of my recent Awkward Mormon Family Photos post, I present to you the above photo of me at a singles event with my now-hubby. Mormon-modest Leia slave girl costume, you saw it here first! While we’re on the topic of my family’s geekiness, I might as well show you how I used that same long yarn braid several years later to pass on the geekitude to the next generation. I rolled it up into a bun for each side of my daughter’s head, popped a marker in my son’s hand, and voila! World’s easiest Star Wars infant costumes:

Luke and Leia infant costumes

World's easiest infant Star Wars costumes

Question: “agoraphobia and church attendance”
Answer: Some people are afraid of spiders, others are afraid of attending church? Does anyone have any tips?

Question: “rules for chili cook offs for mormons”
Answer: Many wards (including mine) will be hosting chili cookoffs at their Halloween trunk-or-treats. Cool October evening + homemade chili is a perfect match. This reminds me of a story. When I was a kid, I remember my mom getting a call reminding her that she had signed up for the ward party’s chili cookoff starting in just a couple hours. My mom confessed that she’d forgotten, and there wasn’t time to grocery shop and start slow-cooking a chili. The woman insisted that my mom bring something so they would have enough to feed everyone. “Fine,” my mom said resignedly, “But you know what I’m going to have to do, right?” The woman said that store bought cans would be fine. My mom bought 3 large cans of Dennison’s and 3 large cans of Nally’s, diced up a small onion, heated it up, and dropped it off at the contest table next to creations that others had spent hours or days soaking and slow cooking according to their multi-generation-provenance recipes. On the note where the sisters were to say something about their prized recipes my mom wrote, “DeNally’s Family Recipe.” Of course my mom took home all-around #1. The woman my mom had talked to on the phone swore my mom to secrecy for the sake of the other sisters’ feelings. For years my mom proudly displayed the wooden spoon painted “#1″ in her kitchen.

Question: “dachshund growling”
Answer: For great Halloween reading, you can check out Aaron’s tale of his demon-possessed dachshund.

Book of Mormon Movie Part 2?

Question: “is there a volume 2 of the book of mormon movie”
Answer: Eeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!! Please no!!! That’s the scariest thing I’ve seen or heard about this Halloween.

Comments

  1. “Some people are afraid of spiders, others are afraid of attending church? Does anyone have any tips?”

    Don’t bring spiders to church.

  2. I can’t remember exactly when I started growing a pelt of thick, luxuriant shoulder hair, but I hope it was post-peak.

  3. hes probably confused because netflix lists movies that are in production, and vol 2. is still listed.

    http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/The_Book_of_Mormon_Movie_Vol._2/70003217?trkid=2361637

  4. That is an awesome Leia costume! (needs more leash)

    Looks like you survived twins. Any tips for the sleepless?

  5. Wow, joe, that comment thread is awesome.

  6. Got nothing for ya, FHL. Honestly, sometimes when I would pass the clusters of day laborers by Home Deopt, I would fleetingly consider picking one up and having him hold the babies while I took a nap for an hour or two. But I’m not sure if hauling roofing materials and pushing heavy landscape equipment is enough to build the stamina they would need for the job.

  7. The first question reminded me of an interview with Patrick Stewart. On his role in Star Trek TNG, the interviewer asked, “Wouldn’t you have thought that so far in the future we would have discovered a cure for male pattern baldness?”, to which Stewart replied, “I rather think by then, we will have learned not to care.” (Or something like that.)

  8. Spectacularly funny post, Cynthia!

  9. Researcher says:

    Cool costumes.

    We have some pretty intense competition at our ward chili cookoff. I’m cooking mine right now. I decided to make a standard American chili:

    http://www.food.com/recipe/wendys-chili-17858

  10. Great stuff! (And I love your Leia/Jabba pic; such geeky young Mormon love…)

  11. Agoraphobia: fear of crowds.
    Not arachnophobia: fear of spiders.

    I know there’s a woman in my ward who suffers from agoraphobia. The first Sunday I was in the ward she bore her testimony about her feelings about the importance of, yet her fear of, coming to church. I made a mental note to try to invite her to a small group dinner, but hadn’t noted her name at the beginning of her testimony nor was I able to later identify her. I suppose I ought to ask the Bishop, “Soooo… do you recall anyone in our ward who self-identifies as having agoraphobia?”

    So, unfortunately I have no advice other than, “The number of the spiders doesn’t matter.”

  12. Lamplighter says:

    We had a guy in our ward that won at least two years with Dennison’s chili. I think they quit having the cookoff after that.

  13. Ack, just reread my comment and realized it sounded more combative than intended. -_-; Where’s the edit when you need one?

  14. Hah. I must not have written that very clearly. I meant that (implicitly referencing Halloween time) some people are afraid of spiders, and other people are afraid of crowds at church. I meant to compare/contrast the two, not equate them.

    Carry on.

  15. Thanks for clarifying. I read it the same way Janell did. My advice? Go to church blindfolded.

  16. “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered”

    Yeah, I always wondered who’d get the sucky job to keep track of stupid stuff like that. I’d picture some poor angel assigned to that task, and it made me laugh. And then I got a stint as an asst. ward clerk.

  17. Earlier this week I was noticing my husband’s nose hair, which he hadn’t trimmed in a few days, and asked myself this very same question (for the record, he’s still in his prime, just hairier than average). It seems impractical to trim one’s nose hair every day for eternity, especially if you have better things to do, like maintain planets. Sure, maybe we’ll just be less conceited when we’re resurrected or have some different conception of what looks good, but it’s impossible for me to imagine taking my husband seriously if he had perpetually bushy nostrils.

  18. StillConfused says:

    As much as my laser hair removal costs, that crap better not come back in this life or the next!

  19. Ooh, I’m stealing your twin costume idea for next year.

  20. Capozaino says:

    Who knew Jabba was a member of the KKK?

  21. The last ward chili cook-off I attended resulted in the worst food poisoning I have ever experienced. i vowed never again to eat home-made chili and I have kept that vow. Go thou and do likewise. Chili cook-offs are a grave evil instituted by Satan himself to destroy the health and free will of the faithful.

  22. I love these posts – as long as we aren’t laughing at anyone, right?

    As I go bald, I interpret that scripture to mean that it will be easy to count the hairs on our heads – and that the revelation was received by a man.

    I don’t mind my hairiness, since my wife doesn’t mind it – or, at least, pretends not to mind it. I just wish my chest hair didn’t remind me so obviously of a meadow in winter. If all hair on everyone is white (or multiple colors), I’m fine with mine staying like it is – but, otherwise, I vote for one non-white color for all hair.

  23. Oh, and one woman in a previous ward took second place in the chili cook-off by bringing Wendy’s chili.

    That says more about the Bishopric’s taste buds and/or the quality of the cooking in our ward than anything else.

  24. too embarrassed says:

    My 13 year old son threw up tonight on the lawn of the ward building after he reported that he ate four bowls of cook-off chili. I am so glad it was dark outside. Yet better than gaining all my leg hairs back for eternity.

  25. Maybe hair will be like plastic surgery. You will have alteration in this life, yet be unrecognizable in the days to come.

    And if its as much hair as you wish, maybe some of our friends will even appear as slews of golden wookies. That would be cool.

  26. One cook-off I made a 20-minute pot of red lentils with coconut milk and called it Indian chili. We ended up taking two of the five prizes for my one moment of chili cook-off glory.

  27. Yup. Chili can be hazardous to your health: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phytohaemagglutinin

  28. Mark Brown says:

    Cynthia, we have developed a body of doctrine around the idea that our bodies are temples, and that we shouldn’t do anything to deface them, or use them to draw undue attention to ourselves. Given that, how do you think this man will fare in the resurrection?

  29. I almost clicked on that link, Mark. And then I remembered not to. Unfortunately, I also remembered why I should not.

  30. Mark Brown says:

    mad, SSHHHHHHH!!

  31. “Given that, how do you think this man will fare in the resurrection?”

    Mark,

    I think that is actually a photo of Cain. I don’t think he will be faring very well in the resurrection.

  32. Our hearts and minds will be sanctified to be able to see pure beauty…

  33. …which means that guy will be completely invisible.

  34. “rules for chili cook offs for mormons”: I would think bourbon recipe would be illegal.

  35. #33, FTW!!

    Wow, Mark. Just, wow.

  36. StillConfused says:

    Groupon for today 90% of laser hair removal. I am soooo there!

  37. Mark, you have scarred me for life.

  38. You could make quite a bit off of Esty with those costumes.

  39. The chili cook-off was great. We had a similar experience, except we didn’t add an extra onion, and we used the Kroger brand chili (because we were too cheap to buy any good stuff). We didn’t win any prizes, but our crock-pot was the first one empty!

  40. Can I nominate 33 for the comment of the week?

  41. One ward we were in, the bishop, a very busy attorney, brought four large orders of Wendy’s chili as his entry. Had the ballot-stuffing by the priests quorum not been uncovered before the awards ceremony, he might have won the popular vote.

  42. Cynthia L. says:

    Well, I worked my tail off on my chili for the trunk or treat tonight and got exactly zero recognition. Totally using my mom’s DeNally’s recipe next year.

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