Police Beat Roundtable XXIV

The 24th installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

This week: Steve and GST are joined by Ken Jennings and some guy named Mark.

A student reported two five-gallon cans of gasoline stolen on Jan. 9 from the JRCB Law School parking lot. He had put the two full gas cans on top of his car while he attended his church meetings, and he said they were gone when he returned. He said he had the gas cans because he did not want to buy gas on Sunday, and he needed to drive to Kamas, Utah, after church. He had put the cans inside of his car while he drove to his meeting, but put them on top of his car while he was in church because he did not want his car to stink. The fuel and gas cans are totaled at $25.

GST: If it’s all the same to you, I’ll drive that tanker.

Ken: On the plus side, this guy doesn’t have to go to Kamas now. Silver lining.

Steve: I know how it goes, you see a nice pair of cans, you gotta have them. You gonna let some schlub from Kamas just drive off with cans like those?

Ken: I did this once with a baby in a car seat during the whole three hour block.

GST: Inhaling gas fumes in the closed cabin of a car can only enhance the Sunday afternoon in Kamas experience.

Ken: What can I tell you? I didn’t want to buy a baby on Sunday.

Steve: I would wager that his car already stunketh. BTW, I just looked up Kamas on google maps. geez louise it makes Heber City seem downright cosmopolitan.

Ken: My theory is that one of three Nephites needed the gas to help out a stalled car nearby.

GST: The whole Kamas/Heber metroplex is a vibrant tapestry of redneckery.

Steve: But in by a delicious literary masterwork, it is close to the neighboring town of Samak. I am not making this up. That is where Bizarro Police Beat is narrated.

Adam: Spoiler: Kamas is Samak spelled backwards.

GST: Kamas and Samak, when the walls fell.

Ken: It’s entirely populated by well-educated New Yorker subscribers who do not think the president is a Mooslim

Adam: The Y spelled backwards is . . . the Y. My alma mater is its own bizarro version.

Ken: UVSC got accredited as a university JUST TO BECOME A PALINDROME! Fun fact.

Adam: Those palinistas will go to any length.

Sometime between the hours of 5:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m on January 24, an unknown person or persons left a 50 gallon barrel of hazardous waste on the loading dock of the chemical plant. The waste was tested to be some kind of solvent waste like a grease removing liquid used by mechanics to clean automobile parts. It was contained in a rusty barrel plugged with a shop rag. This appears to be an off-campus organization that wants BYU to pay to get rid of their chemical waste. BYU had to pay $100 to $200 to get it disposed of. If anyone sees suspicious persons unloading anything after hours, they are urged to contact University Police at 378-2222.

Adam: First!

GST: It was repurposed into a taco salad at the Wilk.

Adam: How very Mormon. The waste is in the taco salad, but not of the taco salad.

Steve: See, everybody loves to made a sweded version of The Toxic Avenger, but nobody wants to deal with the cleanup.

Ken: The owner of the industrial waste was leaving on a road trip for New Jersey after church, but didn’t want his car to smell like industrial waste during the drive.

Some Guy Named Mark: Quick quiz: Is it a technical violation of the honor code to drink an unknown liquid found in a rusty barrel plugged with a shop rag?

Steve: FYI, you Occupy Bookstore idiots: you’re supposed to IGNITE molotov cocktails.

Ken: This would explain a lot of the weird deformed shiz I’ve seen in the botany pond

GST: Not only does quaffing the concoction not violate the Honor Code, it is nearly sacramental.

Some Guy Named Mark: Actually, Ken, the weird deformed shiz in the botany pond is explained by the popular indecent exposure/voyeurism section of Police Beat.

Adam: If you see unsuspicious person unloading anything after hours, no problem. If you see suspicious persons unloading things before hours, call BYU Info.

Ken: I don’t see why we’re so down on this “off-campus organization.” Maybe this was an in-kind tithing donation.

Steve: Ken insists on perfectly formed feces in his backyard pond at Ken Estates.

Ken: They still have the other nine barrels back at the garage.

Adam: KJ, OCOs partake of the evil of palindromes.

Ken: If anyone sees suspicious persons unloading emotionally to their student ward bishop, please call the Honor Code office.

A 29-year-old student was caught shooting a BB gun at some wood blocks in the backyard of the Jacob House. The officers confiscated his BB gun. Charges are pending for disorderly conduct and discharging a firearm in city limits.

University Police officers first noticed the man holding the firearm as he was standing in the backyard of the Jacob House, 1430 North, at approximately 4:45 p.m. Feb. 16. The man was holding the gun in a firing position over his shoulder.

The officers, who were leaving the police ramp near the Abraham O. Smoot Administration Building, said they thought he might have a rifle. When confronted, he said that he and some other students had shot the blocks.

Some Guy Named Mark: A BB gun is a firearm?

Steve: You’ll shoot your eye out.

Adam: Over his shoulder. I had no idea they made BB bazookas.

Ken: What the heck is the Jacob House? Is it that cabin that moves around on Lost?

GST: The over-the-shoulder stance. Very popular with many a crack BB marksman.

Steve: He just did it to impress the marksmaids at nearby Emma House.

Adam: The blocks of wood are reported to be in stable but serious condition.

Ken: I like how this guy immediately confesses. He’s like George Washington…if George Washington was still in college AT AGE 29!!!!

Some Guy Named Mark: If there’s one thing I learned at BYU, it’s that confessing is never a good idea.

Adam: Especially if you’ve been ‘shooting the blocks’.

Ken: I bet those crazy frat guys at Jacob House are always TP-ing Team Edward House.

Steve: Wasn’t this a scene from Die Hard? Schiessen der block!

GST: He can’t wait until he turns 30, when he will graduate from the BB rifle to a .22.

Ken: I’m with GST, what is with the over-the-shoulder stance? Like he’s standing with his back to the blocks doing trick markmanship?

Steve: He was in training for the Utah Valley BB Biathlon. The cops don’t give two farts about cross-country skiers.

GST: It’s the Highly Modified Weaver Stance.

Ken: I hear he did it to impress this other block that looked like Jodie Foster.

Adam: Is there some reason why the Universe reporters had to state where the officers were when they were asked questions? I really don’t see this journalism trend catching on. ‘The subject of this story, who was sitting at his desk answering his phone when I called him, denied that BB was another frickin’ palindrome.’

Some glass beakers, lab coats, and chemicals were taken from Room C-440 BNSN sometime between 7 p.m. Monday, Feb. 21, and 8 a.m. Tuesday, Feb. 22. Police investigations show some crystal iodine was taken and possibly some toxic cyanide and phosphorus-pentoxide.

There was also some vandalism to a rotary evaporator in the room. If anyone has any information to this theft, contact University Police.

GST: The Ehrlenmeyer flasks, thankfully, are all accounted for.

Adam: I like how Steve always says ‘Next item’ right after I post. I’m the undertaker of PBR.

Steve: The BYU Edition of Breaking Bad: Breaking Mediocre.

Ken: Breaking Bad, Better, Best

Steve: Never let it rest.

GST: If only BYU had some Arab students to scapegoat for this.

Adam: You can never be too careful with these anti-Rotarians.

Ken: If they are cooking meth out of cyanide and iodine, this is going to be the WORST batch ever

Steve: They need C-3PO to communicate with the rotary evaporator. Were any binary loadlifters vandalized?

GST: “rotary evaporation” is the process by which I dry myself after a shower–just spinning around naked.

Steve: You’ve got one big-ass salad spinner in your bathroom at home.

Adam: C-440 BNSN sounds like a battleship. No, that’s not funny, but if stream of consciousness if wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Some Guy Named Mark: I like that they were careful to specify that the cyanide taken is “toxic cyanide,” rather than the delicious, nutritious variety.

Steve: Smokehouse and Lime flavor.

Adam: Heart-healthy cyanide–now with less sodium.

Ken: It’s good that lab coats were stolen too. Whatever nefarious plans they have in mind for these chemicals, they’re going to look VERY OFFICIAL while carrying them out.

GST: BNSN is, of course, the abbreviation for the Ezra Benson Science Building. Because why not name a science building after a guy who believes that the earth is 6,000 years old?

Steve: I thought they named it after Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

GST: If it’s named after Honeydew, then the missing Beaker isn’t a theft, it’s a kidnapping!

Ken: meep meep meep

Adam: Um, how does that acronym work. BeNson Science BuilNding

GST: Acronyms are an inexact science.

A 23-year-old student’s bicycle was stolen from a bike-rack near the Harvey L. Fletcher Building. The student left his bicycle in the rack unlocked Saturday, Feb. 19, after 8 a.m. and went on a field trip over the weekend. It was missing when he returned on Tuesday, Feb. 22, at 8 a.m.

GST: The next BYU reality TV series: Bait Bike.

Adam: The student asks anyone who finds the bike, or his missing IQ points. to please return immediately.

Ken: A field trip? He spent 72 hours at the zoo with third-graders?

Steve: Harvey must be immensely proud of his son, Irwin. A great Provo family.

Some Guy Named Mark: He left the bike unlocked over the weekend?

Adam: He unloaded it after hours. The SOB.

Steve: “Man, this bike cost me hundreds of dollars, I sure better lock it up. Then again, I don’t want to miss the planetarium! Screw it.”

GST: If only he rode his barrel of toxic waste to school, its theft would have been a boon.

Ken: This guy ducked out on the field trip, snuck back into town, steals HIS OWN BIKE, and pockets the sweet, sweet insurance money.

Steve: It’s like Double Indemnity, only stupid!

Ken: The field trip! A perfect alibi.

Adam: Next on CSI:Ovorp.

Ken: I sort of sympathize. When I lived in Provo I never locked my car. We called it the “Utah County rule.”

GST: I never locked my car either. What was the point? The gas cans were on the roof anyway.

Ken: NO RADIO OR GAS CANS!

Adam: I never locked your cars either. Boy Scout ethics: leave it like you found it.

Steve: I locked up my Honda Spree whenever I parked it.

Adam: Is that a real car? I doubt it. Sounds like a comic book archvillain’s caper-mobile.

A 24-year-old visitor was reported to University officers for disorderly conduct. He was walking through the Cougareat in the Wilkinson Student Center on Monday at 11:08 a.m. and swore at the people who walked passed him. He dropped his pants to give a few of them a full view of his boxers. An officer arrived quickly and escorted the man off of campus. He was given a 72-hour ban from campus.

GST: Because that’s the law: Drop trou in the cafeteria, you can stew off-campus thinking about what you’ve done for 72 HOURS.

Ken: A little background: his “boxers” were his testicles, which he had named Liston and Frazier.

Adam: The Hinckley Genitive makes PBR! Yes. Escorting a man off campus would be so jejune.

GST: Still laughing at Ken. Or as I call Ken, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Adam: That guy’s gonna be sitting around Thursday morning just watching his watch. Man, when is it going to be 11:08?

Ken: If you wear briefs, it’s a 96-hour ban.

Steve: You know it was awfully polite of him to afford a full view. Most exhibitionists do not fully drop trou like that.

Ken: Turn to the left!

Steve: We got a word for people like you, H.I. Recidivism. REPEAT OFFENDER.

Ken: (Just looked it up, thong is 120 hours.)

Steve: And when there was no navajo taco, we ate sand.

Ken: You ate navajo taco?!?! I mean, you ate sand?

Adam: 24 is a little young to be bearded like a pard.

Ken: It seems a little self-congraulatory to point out that the officer “arrived quickly.”

Steve: The good-looking policeman arrived and was incredibly efficient and sexy.

Ken: Flashers escorted off campus in 30 minutes or less, or your pizza is free.

Adam: Didn’t know BYU provided escort service.

GST: “officer arrived quickly” is another PB euphemism for “the suspect was black.”

Ken: CODE BLACK! REPEAT, WE HAVE A CODE BLACK AT THE COUGAREAT! (This is code for a black suspect.)

Steve: CODE 1978!! p.s. you guys are racist.

Ken: CODE MARK E. PETERSON!

Adam: That explains the full view thing. Because the suspect’s sagging pants only partially displayed his boxers before that.

Adam: Boom.

A BYU student reported he had received an unwanted solicitation about a Nigerian Money Transfer Scam through his Route Y email on March 3. This scam is part of a large amount of white collar crime happening throughout Utah County, said agents from the Provo Agency of the FBI. They said they warn anyone who receives this type of message to report it immediately.

Steve: The email dropped his pants to give a few of them a full view of his cyber boxers.

Ken: “Report,” like hit the “Report spam” button in Gmail? Or call campus cops?

Adam: “the Provo Agency of the FBI”? I’ll drink rusty auto grease waste if there is such a thing.

GST: the FBI doesn’t have a Provo field office. They have their own “Provo Agency.”

Ken: Provo Agents, ma’am. Step away from the laptop.

Steve: Provo Agency of the Fake BS Inquisition

Adam: Only at BYU are the solicitations unwanted.

GST: Kudos to this civic-minded student. I presume each of you also alerts the FBI every time you get a scam email.

Ken: So Nigerian spam is the result of a white-collar crime boom in Utah County?!? GET OUT NOW! THE SPAM IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE COUNTY!!!

Steve: HELLO MADAM I am Elder Anderson of the Provo Agency. I recently have inherited 10,0000,0 from the Kenicott Dream Mine. However I must share it with a kind citizen.

Adam: How nice of the scammer to identify the scam, in all caps nonetheless. Dear Sir, this is OFFICIAL Nigerian Money Transfer Scam.

A student was allegedly assaulted by a faculty member in a road rage incident Monday morning March 13. The faculty member was driving through lot 55 near the Student Auxilary Services. He noticed a large BYU truck heading to-ward him and had to swerve to get out of the way. The truck was driven by a BYU student.

The faculty member stopped his car and made the student get out of the truck. The student reported to University Police that the faculty member “scraped his upper lip with his hand.” The faculty recalled that he yelled, but did not touch the student. The incident is still under investigation.

GST: It’s called academic freedom, bitches. Deal.

Adam: Manual assault shaving–is there nothing BYU profs can’t do?

Ken: The faculty member had been sharpening his hand for weeks in preparation for the assault.

Steve: Nephi did stretch forth his hand and the Spirit did scrape the upper lips of Laman and Lemuel.

Adam: If the prof had scraped the student’s upper lip, it would have been assault AND battery.

Ken: I’m picturing the faculty member as Mr. Strickland from Back to the Future for some reason. “Get out of the truck, you slacker!”

Steve: When searched, the truck was found to contain two gas cans and several 50 gallon barrels of hazardous waste. But no carmex.

Adam: You can tell the incident was under investigation, since they don’t have the ages or the exact incident time yet Really cramping the PB style.

GST: [must step away from keyboard to go to the bathroom--no more empty stolen beakers within reach. Back in 3.]

Ken: Anybody want to guess which department this guy teaches in?

Steve: Religion Dept., 100% certain.

Ken: DING DING DING

Adam: The Student Auxiliary department.

Ken: The wicked take the truth, and also the face-scraping, to be hard

Adam: Or maybe the BYU Agency of the BYU. Lot of strange professors in that dept.

GST: I’m back. Here in the Central Valley of California, we’re not exactly what you’d call fastidious about the hand-washing.

Ken: This is why I don’t eat raisins.

Adam: GST, thanks for keeping us informed about your offloading of waste.

Steve: so long as it isn’t weird malformed waste, Ken’s down with that.

Steve: Technically, is this road rage at all? He was in a parking lot. Parking Lot Rage might not be as sexy as road rage, but let’s stick to solid descriptors please.

Ken: Was it even rage?

Adam: Which department has Jedi mind powers? Cuz maybe its just me but a little lip scraping wouldn’t be enough to force me from my truck.

Ken: He was ordered from the truck first. YOU COME DOWN FROM THERE! I’VE HALF A MIND TO GIVE YOU A GOOD SCRAPING!

GST: “Hey you, get out of your truck so we can have a physical confrontation!” “OK, you’re the faculty member, whatever!”

Adam: Your two tons of steel don’t intimidate me!

Ken: He threatened him with docking class-participation points if he didn’t get out of the truck.

Adam: Eventually the police will discover that this was all an elaborate way of asking some chick out. She said no.

On Tuesday at 2 a.m., University Police officers were dispatched to the Cannon Center in Helaman Halls. When they arrived, they found four male individuals standing around a flame of fire contained in one of BYU’s blue newspaper recycling bins. The fire was quickly distinguished by the officers, but the bin was completely destroyed. The bin is worth $100.

Officers are still interviewing these individuals and they may be cited for destroying University property.

GST: The doo-wop quartet is still on the loose.

Ken: The officers really distinguished that fire! (WITH THEIR URINE!)

Steve: What happened to the recycling bin? It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!

Adam: The bin won’t be allowed back on campus ever. Apparently it was naked.

Ken: Now it’s a has-bin.

Steve: rimshot.

Adam: Oh good, recycled puns.

Steve: You can tell when the journalism majors are taking a Book of Mormon class that semester. A “flame of fire”? Really, people?

Ken: I don’t see why BYU should penalize these students taking a principled stand against the so-called “environmental” movement. The earth is full, bitchez. Occupy Recycling!

Steve: And they did dance around the flame of fire, and did lower their pants to afford the recycling bin a full view of their boxers, and Samhain was pleased and did arise, scraping their upper lips in sign of his unholy covenant to reign again in Kamas.

Adam: If the male individuals were responsible for the flame of fire, ruggedly handsome BYU police officers may given them a penalty of penalizations.

Ken: We’re the Provo Agents of the EPA, sir. Please come with me. I like the idea that these guys were just standing around, staring idly at the fire, lost in their own private reveries.

Adam: Thanks for the opportunity to type of my typings with you, guys. I feel like I’ve learned a lot.

Steve: Next year in Kamas!

Ken: I’ll bring my fire-distinguisher.

Steve: Merry Christmas, gentlemen.

Ken: God rest you all merry. Super merry.

Adam: Merry Christmas, gentlemen. And you too, Steve.

Steve: Predictions for 2012: the world will end, and also GST will start actually making jokes during PBR.

Adam: GST gets potty trained and Romney gets elected, wears “quick response” clothing to his inauguration in an effort to appeal to urban youth, and is barred from BYU campus for 666 hours. You heard it here first.

Ken: “There’s your magic underwear!”

GST: I’m starting to wonder whether I should have shared that little hygiene deficiency with the entire readership of BCC.

Comments

  1. I laughed a little in my mouth.

  2. Steve Evans says:

    It’s such a fine line between laughter and vomit.

  3. Depends on who’s vomiting.

  4. Left Field says:

    What kind of mpg does this guy get that the gas in his tank isn’t enough to go 50 miles?

  5. “What can I tell you? I didn’t want to buy a baby on Sunday.”

    I’m barely into the post, and I’m laughing so hard I’m crying already.

    the sweetness of Mormon life

    Wait, that’s already taken.

  6. I’m still laughing at Ken’s “boxers” comment. Also, I know that whenever I’m beat up, I try to play it down by saying the other person “scraped [my] upper lip with his hand.” It just sounds much cooler that way.

    But I’m surprised y’all glanced over the most shocking part of these reports: those flimsy recycle bins cost $100?!?!?! That’s what my tithing money is being spent on?!?!

  7. StillConfused says:

    Thanks guys. The perfect holiday treat!

  8. The beast at Kamas.

  9. You all make a very distinguished bunch. I just wonder who distinguished you (WITH THEIR URINE).

  10. After the last few PBRs, I was pretty sure it had jumped the shark. Now, my faith is fully restored. Nicely done.

  11. Its good that the officers distinguished that flame of fire so quickly, alas it wasn’t quick enough to distinguish that it was the type of fire which melts plastic recycling bins.

  12. A PBR for the ages.

  13. Also why are the 4 male individuals still being interviewed? Perhaps the officers aren’t as quick at distinguishing people as they are with fires?

  14. They hand you gas cans and Kamas, and in all that banter, no one comes up with a single joke about exploding stake centers?

  15. If these were filmed, the videos would be circulated around Facebook like wildfire. Or hotcakes. Or whatever.

  16. #9, MCQ,
    Nice. Is BCC still doing that Comment of the Eon thing? If so, I nominate yours for at least honorable mention.

  17. Heard frequently at the BYU: Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kamas anymore.

  18. This is totally unrelated, but somehow brought to mind – when I was a kid, I really hated the Saturday is a special day song. Saturday IS a special day, but on its own merits, NOT as a day to get ready for Sunday.

  19. They’re all too young, Adam Swapp.

  20. Mark sure was quiet.

  21. it's a series of tubes says:

    Adam, I was hoping for something along those lines too. Especially given my extended family connections to that,err, “incident”. Used to see those folks at the family reunions before it all happened.

  22. Pssst, KLS, it weren’t me. I done some terrible things in my life, but I wouldn’t want THIS on my conscience.

  23. So funny. So funny. I love reading these.

  24. Mark had to leave in the middle of taping.

  25. Also, I frances him after we’d already started, and had to quickly explain the concept, as he’s never even read aPBR before.

  26. “Steve: HELLO MADAM I am Elder Anderson of the Provo Agency. I recently have inherited 10,0000,0 from the Kenicott Dream Mine. However I must share it with a kind citizen.”

    The trailing 0 is perfect!

  27. Invited. Not sure why auto correct changed that to “frances.” It also changed “taping” to “taint,” but I caught that one.

  28. I second Adam G #16.

  29. Some Guy Named Mark says:

    Sorry I had to leave in the middle of taping. It was my turn to be questioned about my involvement with a suspected flame of fire incident. I tried to escape from campus police so that I could continue my participation in the discussion, but I was imprisoned within an impenetrable circle of chalk.

  30. gst: “Not sure why auto correct changed that to “frances.” It also changed “taping” to “taint,” but I caught that one.”

    There’s a really good joke in there somewhere. Can we have a PBR comments roundtable?

  31. It just so happens that my next hearing with the parole board will be next year. Perhaps this roundtable will help the board see that it all happenned so long ago. Also, I’m sorry I misspelled my name up there. Even I forget that goofy second d sometimes.

  32. There’s a story problem for us: Two five-gallon cans full of gasoline are stolen. The total value of the cans and the gas is $25. What year is it?

  33. GST: Kamas and Samak, when the walls fell.

    Gold.

  34. Amazing how the writers/editors at the World’s Finest University and Harvard of the West can’t tell the difference between “past” and “passed”.

  35. John Mansfield says:

    Here’s a Kamas joke from 24 years ago: While ATF agents were combing through the wreckage of the stake center, they cleared some debris, and there under it was Elvis Presley. They asked, “Elvis, what are you doing here?” “Well, fellas, they managed to resurrect a singer, but they got the wrong one.”

  36. Duke of Earl Grey says:

    Re: #32

    2005 pre-Katrina or possibly 2008 post-Lehman Brothers.

  37. Mommie Dearest says:

    Every time I see the acronym PBR, I think of the beer. Even though I haven’t had any in years. Must be the company I keep.

    P.S. I love PBR, nice work, guys.

  38. Mommie Dearest,
    I always think Professional Bull Riding. Needless to say, I let myself in for a lot of disappointment.

  39. Adam, seriously.

    It’s more like professional bull shooting. Or something like that.

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