Whatever Happened to Steve Evans?

I’ve been a member of the BCC community for only about a year, but unfortunately for me, unlike the majority of my fellow bloggers here, most of that time has not included the heretofore ubiquitous, all-encompassing presence of Steve Evans.

Our illustrious, mysterious founder initiated the BCC Conglomerate (May It Live Forever!)* on March 12, 2004, with this post: Welcome All!  The last time Steve posted on the blog was on February 13, 2012, a post that carried the apt, thoroughly Evans-esque title, To all the stupid people.

He then disappeared.

Ostensibly, his initial disappearance was supposedly for an Internet fast in honor of Lent.** Some of us claim to have actually had contact with him individually  during this time, though we can’t really prove it. My one or two “contacts” could easily be explained as an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. I’ve never even met Steve in person; I rely on the testimonies of others that he does indeed exist. Or once did. Or maybe he never did.

Which leads me to posit some theories about where Steve might have gone, or what he might be currently doing.

  • Martian astronaut (pictured).
  • Lowly Production Assistant/Babysitter for film crew on set of Star Wars B Movie parody.
  • “Steve Evans” never existed. Either a sophisticated Robocall that acquired sentience or a Cleverbot designed by the brilliant Cynthia Lee.  In which case Cynthia has some ‘splainin’ to do.
  • Bizarro Nate Oman, Nate Oman’s crazy liberal alter ego (this might explain the relentless stigmatizing of Times and Seasons on the blog. Or maybe it’s because T&S is so laughably second-rate).
  • Called as a bishop.
  • Called as a Scoutmaster. Either way.
  • Called abruptly as a Seventy then immediately emeritized and sent away to serve as “Future President of the Pyongyang Temple.”
  • Dead. No obituary, no funeral. Buried in an unmarked grave somewhere in Canada.
  • Working full-time on capitalizing on Mormon Broadway success writing hit musical, “Adam and Steve (and Lehi!).”
  • Hasn’t yet been informed that Lent only lasts 6 weeks.
  • Merged with Scott Bosworth to become Stott Evansworth, a killer giant robot that regularly terrorizes Tokyo.
  • Choked on a Triscuit. Dead.

Please feel free to comment with your own theories. Who knows? Maybe STVH EVNS himself (May He Live Forever!) will appear and offer some theories of his own.

*As a contributor at BCC, every time we mention the BCC name or Steve’s name we are enjoined to follow with, “May It [He] Live Forever!”***

**Of course, that sounds exactly like something a SCMC spy might say when his cover is blown and he has to be extracted. Just sayin’.

***Technically, though, the Founder’s name should be written as a holy theonym–STVH EVNS–in order not to blaspheme its holy nature. (סטיבן and Στέφανος are also appropriate spellings). However, because BCC (May It Live Forever!) is an unthinking liberal cesspool of sin and filth, we don’t normally pay attention to this convention.

Comments

  1. Applause.

  2. Choked simultaneously with Scott Bosworth on a Triscuit after Lent.

  3. J. Stapley says:

    “You will have to pry this triscut from my cold dead hands.”

    “Um. Okay.”

  4. Joined the Church of England.

  5. Also, joined for the jokes.

  6. Stott Evansworth. FTW.

  7. How quickly we forget him who created the blog and all things therein.

  8. Daniel Bartholomew says:

    The chupacabra found him.

  9. I thought he moved to Canada after the 2008 election?

  10. Brian Duffin says:

    I heard he is living comfortably in Manti, Utah with his four wives and 20+ children, leading a fundamentalist organization devoted to following the gourd, er, wait, casting off the shoe. No, definitely following the gourd. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain.

  11. Kevin Barney says:

    I heard he was translated and now resides on Kobol.

  12. One day my car broke down in the middle of the Nevada desert. I was on a lonely road that had very little traffic, except for the occasional passing of motorcycle gangs that I was forced to hide from. Suddenly, five men appeared. Three were of obvious South American extraction (I could tell because they were all wearing Andean hats), one of the men was wearing a “Patmos Burning Man Concert, 123 A.D.” T-shirt, and the fifth was Steve Evans wearing a Jar Jar Binks T-shirt. They fixed my car. Taught me how to use a chain and a knife in a fight and fed me a lunch of triscuits and cheese. It was a strange meeting and I cannot discuss what was talked about except I will say this: Robo Crow is returning.

  13. Steve, the other day I overheard someone relate a very similar story. Huh. I wonder how many people this happens to?

  14. Been wondering the same thing for a while. Always looked forward to his posts.
    I guss I’m part of the EVNS Lives fangroup for now.

  15. My standard answer to most BCC mysteries: Steve choked on the dust.

  16. You just don’t get commenters like that anymore. I mean, here at BCC (May It Live Forever!) we practically hang out signs begging to be thunderously reproached and shamed by narcissistic do-gooders everywhere. But no one has come in Jason’s wake that is equal to his glorious self-righteousness. I think the quality suffers a little because of that.

  17. Peter LLC says:

    I understand that as an ex-Texas Ranger, STVH has dedicated the remainder of his life to fighting injustice in the American West.

  18. I think that the departure of STVH EVNS will provide a stark boundary to mark class divisions for people of future generations as they discuss memories of yore. To be able to regale the young whipper-snappers with tales of eager anticipation of Friday mornings lost to the latest Firestorm will be the true indicator of the respect owed a bloggernacle participant.

  19. After 40 years as a poser, he finally became a true palindrome and was quickened beyond our ken.

  20. LOL.

  21. Dead doesn’t matter.

    gst commented twice recently.

    If gst can be resurrected, it certainly isn’t beyond the possibility for the almighty STVH.

  22. Steve is one of my favorite people and I miss him. I suspect that most of us know that blogging takes too much time and sometimes lands us in fights we’ve never intended on having. Sometimes, it’s just not worth it. But I miss Steve’s humor, his sense of fun, his wonderful mind, his loving nature (particularly towards his family), and his satire. And I miss his poetry. Each BCC member or contributor or commenter has such interesting insights, and I miss Steve’s.

  23. He’s the bon iver of the bloggernaccle, and will emerge from his wintry estate with posts that surpass all understanding.

  24. If Steve happens to read this, I just want to repeat my gratitude for his kind directness when I first found the Bloggernacle and BCC. He could have reacted very differently than he did, and I appreciate how he chose to act.

    Otoh, all of you who had to endure the deluge his patience created can blame him for it.

  25. 1. He is no longer becoming and now is. Writing has a beginning and an end, and Steve no longer has beginnings and ends. He’s past all that now. He is endless, with a little e.

    2. or, he just found that life with less bs is better than life with more bs. If living with less bs is the end, then he has surely found a good instance of means.

    Sometimes the needs of the one (Steve) outweigh the needs of the many (the rest). And so if not blogging has been good for him, I say good for him.

  26. Kevin Barney says:

    He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.

  27. He is roommates with Jesse Gause.

  28. I am not Steve

  29. Who is Steve Evans?

  30. J. Stapley says:

    Angie, if the bloggernacle were Atlas Shrugged, that would be the tag-line.

  31. Indeed, Angie. That is indeed the question.

  32. Hold everything, there has been an EVNS sighting, photographed by a loyal reader:

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcs2rj2QPW1qzw6o2o1_500.png

  33. Jenn and Stapley for Comments of the Week (wait, are we still doing that?)

  34. I never believed in Steve Evans anyway. I heard he was a character made up by a random john to scare little children into eating their triscuits.

  35. I totally forgot to mention, photo credit for the picture in the post goes to John Hamer. Who, obviously, is a regular Martian tourist.

  36. It is very grievous. Every morning the sun is darkened in my eyes, and every night my sleep is the less refreshing, because I remember that Evans (may he live forever) is still missing.
    In comparison with him I love neither my own life, nor bread, nor water, nor the light of the sun.
    May the strength of Tash the inexorable, the irresistible bring his swift return.

  37. Ma, whenever ya see a blogger brow-beatin’ a guy
    Wherever a ignorant newbie commenter cries
    Whereever there’s a fight against the blood and hatred in the air
    Look for Steve ma’
    He’ll be there
    Wherever somebodies searchin’ for a meme for laughs
    For a witty comment or a spiteful jab
    Wherever somebody is Rockin’ to Keep the World Free. . .
    Look in their eyes ma,
    you’ll see steve
    you’ll see steve
    You’ll see Steve
    You’ll see Steve
    You’ll See Steve
    You’ll See Steve
    YOU’LL SEE STEVE!
    YOU’LL SEE STEVE!

    And the ‘nacle is alive tonight
    nobody’s foolin’ nobody is to where it ends
    I’m sittin’ down here in the laptop light
    With the Ghost of Steve Evans.

  38. Amen Amen and Amen.

  39. This post leaves me confused since I am not part of the crowd that knows all things bloggernacle. I’m sure that Jacob and all the commenters know what the joke is, but I don’t, and Bannergate scarred me forever. Though perhaps if Jacob has only been around a year he has no idea what can of worms this post brings to mind.

  40. Brad Hawkins says:

    Steve, if you are out there, we’ll always have the hot tub in Packwood.

  41. Left Field says:

    How come Steve’s shadow points one direction, while the rocks’ shadows point another? And the highlights on his space suit show the sun coming from a third direction, and the shadows on his face indicate illumination from yet another direction? It can only mean one thing. THE MARS LANDING WAS FAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. After Police Beat XXIV ( http://bycommonconsent.com/2011/12/22/police-beat-roundtable-xxiv/ ) was published, the BYU cops finally realized this series was mocking them. They covertly waited for Steve Evans to go into Lent, when they nabbed him. He currently sits in the BYU lockup in the basement of the Ernest L Wilkinson student center, where he is forced to eat Triscuits and watch old videos of Ernest Wilkinson warning people about the dangers of communism and kissing on the first date….

  43. He’s been hiding away with a religious order in the Urals.

  44. jks, this has nothing to do with Banner of Heaven (yes I am quite familiar with it and it was years ago and Steve and others apologized over and over again for it, and if you remain “scarred” by it , that surely has more to do with you than it does with him). For the love of STVH, I think you need to lighten up a little.

  45. Since this has turned into a eulogy for Steve Evans, I’d like to weigh in with a favorite memory of the dearly departed. Back in the day, I used to harass Mr. Evans quite a lot on the great and spacious SnarkerNackle, not like he deserved it, and one time he had the gall to actually challenge me to snark one of his posts here on BCC. He sent me an e-mail and said his post was unsnarkable and defied me to snark it. Well, it took me a few minutes, but it was one of my favorite posts evah. Actually, I am glad to see that Steve has grown up and moved on to more worhtwhile pursuits.

  46. Someone BANNED HIM!!!

  47. Didn’t STVH EVNS get lost somewhere in the great and spacious part of the world that lies between the west coast and NYC? Or was that a rumor?

  48. Once he punched me in the face. It was awesome.

  49. These Triscuit theories are totally bogus. Aren’t they “Kyle M”?

  50. Maybe he desserted us for a better blog?

  51. Jacob, I didn’t think this had anything to do with Banner of Heaven. But did you or did you not joke in the above post that Steve Evans had never existed? It gave me some PTSD flashbacks. While I can never lighten up, I assure you I remember the wonderful, sincere apologies and all the understanding and forgiveness.

  52. I miss the holy living heck out of Steve Evans. :-(

    That is all.

  53. Wasn’t he part of the Navy Seals team that took out Osama Bin Laden?

  54. We all know that Steve moved to someplace called “Wisconsin.” Since no one else on the Bloggernacle
    admits to being from “Wisconsin” so that this could be confirmed, this is obviously a cover for his real
    mission. This is, of course, that he is returning to the place he came from, which is supposedly some
    place called “Canada.” However, “Canada” is really just a metaphor for the Great White North. What do
    we know about the Great White North? Everyone of the true blood of the Bloggernacle knows that the
    Great White North is where the Lost Ten Tribes are dwelling. Now our eyes can be opened and we can
    finally understand the true meaning of Steve Evans. He (and his wife Sumer — obviously a code name
    alluding to Father Abraham’s origins) were spies sent by the Lost Ten Tribes into the lands of their
    inheritance to see if the Bloggernacle was worthy of their return. (I mean, what other explanation is
    there for how two people could be so eternally blond and youthful-looking?) The only remaining mystery
    is what report they have made, and whether or not the return of the Lost Ten Tribes from “Canada”
    is imminent.

  55. So seriously, do we have an answer?

  56. I asked him directly months ago, and he said he was giving up the internet for Lent. Apparently, his version of Lent lasts a long, long time.

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