Two of the bloggers from ExpertTextperts, Brett and Casey, return with another guest post.
Every new year brings with it the promise of hope and the apprehension of uncertainty, and in the interest of dispelling both we set out to forecast exactly what 2013 will offer Mormondon and the bloggernacle. Our methodology included rigorous logic, a deep grasp of human nature and, we hope, a measure of the spirit of prophecy.* We now present our predictions as a public service.
*the spirit of prophecy disclaims any responsibility for the following
-Pantsgate will be reprised several times over as Mormon feminists continue to encroach on the sacred sphere of church clothing and established gender norms. Spinoffs such as Sneakergate, ColoredShirtgate, and BoloTiegate will prove less successful.
-A popular musician will admit in a newspaper interview that he or she grew up Mormon, but doesn’t practice any more because “I just don’t believe a lot of it, you know?” Someone will write a BCC post admitting that they still like the musician; soon after Meridian Magazine will publish a series of article exploring latter-day apostasy, noting that “some in the LDS community have publicly supported apostates, but believing saints will not be fooled by their false gospel.”
-President Monson, hoping to make the First Presidency feel more approachable, will set up a section of LDS.org where members can create and sign petitions, with the promise that any petition that gets over a certain amount of signatures in a week will get a personal response from the prophet himself. Four days later, three hundred and seventy-eight stakes will have petitioned to secede from the Church.
-Following the success of 17 Miracles, director T. C. Christensen will promise a follow-up that will, in his words, “Blow your minds. We’re talking double the miracles.” However, 34 Miracles is panned as predictable and saccharine, and ends up languishing in obscurity except for a few accidental purchases around Christmastime every year.
-The Church will finally finish its Broadway answer to The Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon: But For Real will feature a cast of current and past members of BYU’s Young Ambassadors led by Kirby Heybourne (The Singles Ward, The RM, All those annoying Target commercials).
-A prominent libertarian LDS blogger will publish a series of posts discussing with some skepticism whether liberal Mormonism is theologically valid. Other Mormon blogs large and small will join debate and amidst the discussion remarkable breakthroughs will be made, allowing for final reconciliation between all parties. The larger blogs will merge into a single entity, Times of Faith Promoting Feminist Millennial Consent. There will be no flame wars, and they will have all their posts in common. This will last for three months, but in the fourth month a small part of the bloggernacle will begin to become prideful and persecute the rest, eventually leading to a bitter and total collapse of TFPFMC.
-Hoping to dispel the belief that Church policy is rigid and unwavering, the First Presidency will exhort members to pray in their wards and in their families to help them decide which two swear words to make permissible.
-Mormon Stories will score an enormous coup when President Monson agrees to appear on the podcast. Unfortunately prior commitments will force Monson to cut the interview short midway through part 3, just as John Dehlin is about to finish phrasing his first question.
-A member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles will pass away, and despite over 50 signatures our petition to have Marlin K Jensen appointed next will be ignored.
-The Church Curriculum Department will introduce a radically new third-hour lesson manual, “Teachings For Our States.” Though many of the core doctrines will be presented the same in all manuals, the Department will try to vary the content of each according to the teaching style of its intended area of use. When California, for instance, receives the lesson “Ye Cannot Serve God and the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals,” Idaho gets, “Cain and Bigfoot: It’s Basically Doctrine.” Meanwhile, the Utah manual will feature “My Way is Not Your Way,” a lesson about how men wear pants and women wear dresses.
-Someone will publish a surprisingly in-depth exploration of LDS history and theology entirely with gifs.
-Early support will muster for 2016 presidential hopeful Matt Rimley, an LDS politician who looks suspiciously like Mitt Romney with a fake mustache.
-To commemorate the 10th anniversary of the original, a gritty reimagining of The Book of Mormon Movie entitled The Book of Mormon Movie: Blood and Sand will receive a limited theatrical release. Certain extra-canonical additions by the filmmakers (including the twenty-minute Hostel-inspired “Laman and Lemuel’s Savagery to Nephi and Sam”) will prompt an official Church response stating, “While the filmmakers were well within their rights to present our sacred history in such a manner, the First Presidency would like to remind members of the Church that if they want bloody representations of barbaric cruelty, they would do better to stick to the approved scriptural canon of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”
-A clean-cut, honest, and earnest Mormon named Hyrum will have an improbable run of success on a primetime reality show. America will be evenly divided as the show’s finale pits Hyrum against Lucas, a hard-partying, binge-drinking ex-Mormon whose backstabbing and conniving saw him to the finals and turned him into the latest over-the-top reality character America loves to hate. Someone will write a BCC post admitting a preference for Lucas; soon after Meridian Magazine will publish a series of articles exploring the showdown as an allegory for the end times, noting that “some in the LDS community have publicly supported apostates, but believing saints will not be fooled by the false gospel of Lucas.”