New evidence of fossil origins

article-1234473-060777D70000044D-378_468x317I suppose that yesterday’s paper in Nature deserves to be more broadly known, because it has some implications for the faith/science debate. A brief outline is in order. Beardy Card’s lab at MIT has completed the most extensive dark matter (DM) analysis ever done. As we’ve learned dark matter (an unidentified form of matter) is found throughout the universe in great abundance. Dark matter detectors were pioneered by Card and this is the first analysis of the DM contained within our planet ever conducted. The results are stunning. In a news release Card says, “We are still reeling over this, but there can be little doubt that we’ve done the analysis correctly. It’s been confirmed in six independent labs and they are all reporting the same finding.

It turns out that DM is concentrated in Earth’s fossils. “It’s like there is a DM taint on the fossils themselves.” Card said. Through Quantum Singularity analysis combined with the DM analysis the arrival of this ‘taint’ can be traced to an event between 6000 and 7000 BP +- 500 years.

Dr. Mary Calvino at Switzerland’s CERN reactor goes further, “We’ve gone over Card et al.’s analysis and can’t find any flaw, but we do differ in in interpretation. Quantum theory predicts that these kind of particle appearances should arise in toto, meaning that the fossils themselves were created spontaneously within the rock. There is no taint, it’s the emergence of the fossils themselves that created the results of Card’s analysis. Meaning the fossils are new to Earth’s strata.”

Philosopher Daniel Dennett remains skeptical, “Look, the fossils appear in a specific sequences, not in some random order. That would imply some intentional arrangement, not random fluxuations from a bisected quantum field. Do you really want to posit that some dark matter entity, or a group of dark matter entities, placed all the fossils in a specific sequence six thousand years ago? A little far fetched don’t you think? To what purpose?”

Card stands by his analysis, “I know it sounds absurd but in science we follow the data. And the data are saying that in the not to distant past some event placed all the fossils here. The implications are up for interpretation but the facts are the facts.”

This is stunning! I’m rethinking my entire career.

Comments

  1. Well I’ll be damned… ndbf gary was right all along.

  2. Did they find out whether or not the fossils got extra wet during the time of Noah?

  3. The April Fools gags have really jumped the shark

  4. So have reader comments, apparently ^^^

  5. This is amazing, Steve. I might have doubted it from another source, but coming from you? I wonder how Gilda would have responded.

  6. ‘Jumped the Megalodon’ would be more appropriate.

  7. Ardis, Bless you for remembering Gilda, I think she would be thrilled!

  8. Ardis and Steve, by an odd chance, I have some inside information not available to the general public, that many of these fossils are wrapped in dark matter manuscript copies of Gilda’s writings, suggesting the possibility that these particular fossils may actually have just been thrown out with the trash. Watch for a follow up article in the journal of the French Académie de tripes littéraire

  9. I want to name my next son Beardy.

  10. Cool a dark matter dowsing rod!

  11. Truly stunning, Steve, but I’m not going to believe it until it’s taught in General Conference. That’s where I go for my scientific learning.

  12. This. Is. Awesome.

  13. Greg D. says:

    I found this information on the internet. Therefore, it must all be true.

  14. I just want to know if Beardy Card left his job at MIT and got a job at BYU, would he have to shave or could he just show his Driver’s License to get out of it?

  15. Reminds me of Dust from Philip Pullman’s fantasy series, His Dark Materials.

  16. Dang, So dinos were walking the earth 6,000 to 7,000 years ago, like some Evangelicals believe? What about carbon and other dating efforts? Interstellar transport of excess fossil garbage?

  17. I know this is the sort venue where participants tend to grasp at theological straws. But I feel obligated to report the rest of the story, if you will. The Nature article, rushed into print as it was, failed report the complete picture. QED (quantum electrodynamics) theory has, albeit obscurely, predicted such phenomena for decades. Indeed, dark energy flux computations show a built in tendency for “dark matter quantum superpositioning”– suggesting temporal layering of calcium compounds, in a distorted mirroring effect, simulating “bones” of unusual types (BUTTS). Thus so-called extinct forms are nothing more than quantum tunneling mediated imaging of dental office detritus. Lets be more cautious people.

  18. hawkgrrrl says:

    My first response was What the Frak??? It was like flipping through those Biblical Archaeology mags at my folks’ house! Then I noted the date.

  19. Central Standard says:

    Is this The Onion?

  20. Ah, Gaffer beat me to it! I was expecting a His Dark Materials reference, but instead I got actual, real confirmation of divine prankstership and evolution science’s fraud! A good trade-off altogether.

    Also, the Dust came into trepanned skulls approximately 33K years ago, so it couldn’t be this.

  21. Alphonso says:

    Yes, this is a great joke. However, jokes like this have backfired, in that, people pass them around as real and get adopted by the public at large.

  22. @Alphonso
    What!? This isn’t REAL!? And I already told the RS Pres…great.. :|

  23. Now if we could only find the fossilized remains of Jesus, we could establish the truth of the entire New Testament!

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