CTR: Crap That’s Real

CTR: Crap That’s Real is a column devoted to discussions of whatever I deem worthy of discussion. It might be Mormon-related; it might not be. This week, we are going to talk about new TV shows, bad parenting, fictional characters who should be Mormons, and other stuff. Leave a comment or shoot me an email if you want to talk about something.

GA material, that.

GA material, there.

*     *     *

Hooooo boy! Who’s sick of reading and slash or talking about conference? You too? Great, because I am pretty much done.  Actually, I was pretty much done by the middle of the Sunday afternoon session when the candy bowl we were using for that game (where you eat crap whenever people say crap) had nothing but jelly beans left.  Bottom of the barrel at the bottom of the barrel, right? So let’s all promise not to talk about GC ever again until this Sunday when we talk about it all day at church again.

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Apparently someone over at the Onion reads BCC. In case you’re curious, there is–as I type this–a potential mutiny brewing on the internal BCC email list over the lack of numbered comments associated with the new site design. It’s almost as exciting as reading 100 comments (or 97? 102? SO HARD to say without numbers!) about whether or not a post is being overly critical and nitpicky or not.  Yawn.  Anyway, cross your fingers, say your prayers, etc…

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Because you’re all righteous Mormons, none of you watch TV. I know this because every time I have you over for “game night,” you see our big TV and say in a casual and not at all contrived way that you don’t have TV.  Well, if you did (unrighteous hypothetical here) have TV, you would know that the best shows and movies ever created generally have had Joss Whedon attached to them in some form or another.  This past week, there was a new announcement about a Whedon-Marvel project called “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”  After the popularity of last year’s Whedon film The Avengers, there was evidently a meeting that went like this

TV People: “That Avengers thing was great. We should get some of that for TV!”

Other TV People: “But we can’t pay all those big stars!”

TV People: “Well, if we can’t afford Iron Man and Thor, let’s just get some more of that one guy who died and didn’t have any superpowers!”

Other TV People: “This is a fool-proof plan that cannot possibly go badly. Let’s now go purchase new homes in the Hamptons.”

Given my love for comic books and my love for Joss Whedon, this project has me really nervous, for a few reasons.

1. The show is supposed to be about the non-super heroes at S.H.I.E.L.D., but the problem here is that the Boss of S.H.I.E.L.D. is Nick Fury–who isn’t a super hero. Therefore, he should be part of the show, right? But he’s not going to be, because Samuel L. Jackson is too busy with completely unrelated projects like Avengers 2, Captain America 2, and some thing called xXx: Return of Xander Cage.  That means that MAoS will have to avoid any plot arcs that involve “the boss.” Can a police or investigative procedural show last more than 7 minutes without such a device? Doubt it.

2. I worry about saturation. As much as I love comics and (generally) the films and cartoons based on them, and as popular as they have been in recent years, I don’t believe it can last forever. There are so many fantastic stories left to tell, and so many interesting characters to explore, and it would be a shame if they never get made into films because of a lame, shark-jumping TV show about Agent Coulson, who should be dead because he died and we all saw him die when he got killed.

3. Matt Page told me he’s skeptical of it, and I believe that whenever Matt Page is skeptical of things, the thinking has been done.

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My wife and I have a running joke called “Mom/Dad of the Year Award” when we realize that we have become too exhausted or negligent (or both!) to care anymore, and our attempts at setting a good example and teaching our children in the paths of righteous and societal usefulness have gone completely out the window and we have resorted to blatant lying, manipulation, or denial.  For example, last year, when my daughter (who was 3 at the time) was misbehaving horribly, and I couldn’t get her to sit still, I got out my phone and called Santa Claus, reported her naughty behavior, and then informed my daughter that Santa said her Christmas is cancelled.

(Sidenote: Fellow BCCer Ben Park said “calling Santa” was something many parents did, but I asked him how many parents do it in the middle of summer. That shut him up.)

Of course, I forgot all about the incident, but my daughter didn’t, apparently. A few weeks before Christmas, I overheard my daughter explaining to someone that she wouldn’t be getting any presents at Christmas because she had been naughty and her dad had called Santa Claus.  See, “Good Parents”–the kind that get mentioned by Nephi–dole out punishment as needed, but afterwards show an increase of love.  As candidates for the Parents of the Year Award, we don’t do that.  We forget that we punished them and let them suffer for months.

Why am I telling you all of this? What does any of this have to do with your eternal salvation?  Last week, it was my youngest son’s first birthday, and in order to make sure we got a good picture and video of him at the table with his first ever cupcake, we just let him burn his fingers on the candle. Ladies and Gentlemen, Parents of the Year!

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Despite a major slump, Mormon Dale Murphy, “Elder” Bryce Harper has managed to extend his MLB-record setting season deep into early April.  Remember when he was on pace to hit 324 home runs, but then he was only on pace to hit 162?  Well, it’s even worse now: after playing 8 whole games, Brother Bryce has only hit 4 home runs, which leaves him on track to smack 81 home runs.  That is 50 percent worse, and if baseball was Home Teaching, we would probably assign President Harper a new companion.  (Also, Kansas City recovered from the 0-2 start and now leads the AL Central with a 6-3 record. I am not making that up.)

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Speaking of sports, Holy. Crap. Do we have a Mormon Tumblr like this yet? It could be General Authorities replaced with cats. Or maybe one of missionaries, with their scriptures replaced with cats. Or maybe one of families in the middle of FHE, where the kids are replaced with quiet, calm, well-behaved cats. …

Sorry–I just need a minute here.

Okay, I’m better now.

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Weekly Declaration of Truth/Rankings

Earlier this week on Twitter, we asked  “Would it surprise you to learn that DC Comics is rewriting Superman to make Clark Kent a Mormon?” After looking at the responses, Steve Evans and I realized that we had only scraped the surface of a potentially rich topic–the Top Fictional Characters Who Should Be Mormons.  Our discussion and ruling is below.

Steve: Top 5 fictional characters who should be Mormon

Scott: In order to get at that, though, we need to consider what the identifying characteristics of a “Mormon” are

Steve: Goody – Goody. Also a penchant for ties

Scott: Yes. Church clothes for fun.

Steve: And weird exclamations like “merciful heavens!”

Scott: let’s get Crawford in here. just a sec

(later…)

Scott: Hey Crawdaddy–we are currently engaged in the business of ranking the top fictional characters who should be Mormon

John: Bob Cratchett. John Galt. Phyllis Schafley.

Scott: Uh, fictional characters, John.

John: Prove to me that she’s real!

Steve: John I’m going to have to ask you to stick to characters people have ever heard of.

John: The mother in Little Women

Scott: sigh

John: Trillian

Steve: This was a mistake.

Scott: Hey Steve–remember when I said we should get Crawford involved here? I apologize.

John: Oh fine. What are your criteria? Atticus Finch rocked a suit

Steve: I’m out.

(later…)

Steve: dude why did you involve him

Scott: because he chatted me up right at the moment and I thought he’d be fun

Steve: WRONG.  Atticus Finch, for the love.

OK, so let’s do this FOR REALS. I’m gonna get the top one out of the way: Clark Kent. Given that Orson Scott Card is writing Superman this is a no brainer. Tie, goody-goody, lame-ass exclamations–plus he’s celibate (albeit because Kryptonian intercourse would prove fatal with super-sperm).

Scott: This also requires that the TV version of Robin be a Mormon

Steve: All superheroes in the 60s were Mormon, except Doctor Strange

Scott: Everyone in the 60s was Mormon. Those were the good old days. Wolverine cannot be Mormon (facial hair).

Steve: Tony Stark cannot be Mormon either–moustache + ALKY. How about Walter Bishop?  Nah, too much drug abuse. But I’ll bet Broyles is LDS. Broyles would be a terrific Mormon.

Scott: Well, Walter obviously could not be LDS, but Walternate is a prime candidate. Consider: 1. career driven; 2. clean-shaven; 3. wear a suit

Steve: I’d still prefer Broyles because of the connection to The Wire, which apparently proves there are no LDS in Baltimore.  How about Laura Ingalls? Little House was about as Mormon as it could get.

Scott: You know who would have been a great Mormon? That guy Merlin Olsen played.

Steve: Um.

Steve: We’ve got Commander Adama from the original Battlestar Galactica.

Scott: Commander William T. Riker? He knows the evils of video games, if nothing else.

Steve: No. Facial hair, drinks, plus he was all about the weird sexy looks.

Scott: Picard? Clean shaven, rocked a one-piece.

Steve: Star Trek is for godless atheists (redundant I know to put it that way, but I want to emphasize it).  But Yoda is a prime candidate.

Scott: Ted Mosby from HIMYM. He is driven by nothing in life but the pursuit of an eternal companion.

Steve: except he sleeps around and drinks.

Scott: well, maybe he wouldn’t if the church had better programs for single adults

Steve: Point taken. I’d like to think that Riley from Buffy would be LDS, were it not for the slayer-sleeping-with.

Steve: The Mayor, FOR SURE

Scott: Well, let’s review his criteria: 1. Suit? (check);  2. Clean shaven? (check);  3. Stupid, pure fun? (mini-golf, check);  4. Presidering father figure? (check)

Steve: It’s a slam dunk

Scott: Rory Williams is an interesting one. Let’s think about that.[1]

Steve: He’s certainly emasculated.

Scott: 1. Self-loathing male who can’t provide; 2. Clean-shaven; 3. British; 4. All attempts at Presidering are ignored/smacked down

Steve: Wait, are we talking about Rory or Ronan?

Scott: We have a good list, but it’s problematic in that it doesn’t have any women.

Steve: We can have Laura Ingalls say the prayer in their meetings. Or Anne of Green Gables.

Scott: Maybe for next week’s list of “Top Potential Fictional fMh Bloggers”

Steve: I didn’t say that. I respect them!

Scott: Let’s see….1. Closet alcoholic (remember the currant wine!); 2. Green hair… yeah, that’s all I got

Steve: that’s basically enough to go perma at the JI.

*     *     *

Fictional Characters Who Should Be Mormon, ranked

1. Clark Kent

2. Commander Adama (Original BSG) 

3. Mayor Richard Wilkins III (Buffy)

4. Rory/Ronan (Doctor Who/Malvern Abbey)

5. John Galt (Atlas Shrugged)

6. Yoda (Empire Strikes Back)

7. Broyles / Walternate (Fringe)

8. Ted Mosby, if the Single Adults program could get its act together (HIMYM)

9. Merlin Olsen (Little House On the Prairie)

10. Anne of Green Gables

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Tell us about your moments of bad parenting, fictional characters who should be Mormon, or  anything else we covered this week.

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[1]  UPDATE: Steve would like everyone to know that HE came up with Rory in a section that was removed by evil translators.

Comments

  1. Well, that was a waste of some perfectly good electrons.
    Back to valuable uses of time, like General Conference.

  2. Special Agent Dale Cooper (the love of dark, black coffee notwithstanding).

    Tom Hagen (Scott should particularly appreciate this one).

    Mitt Romney.

    The Ryan Gosling character from Remember The Titans.

    Constable Bob from Justified.

  3. Pleased we could help, manaen.

  4. Brad,
    Those are all excellent candidates. I’m particularly ashamed of not considering Dale Cooper, and yes–I’m always appreciative of the Consigliere…

  5. I’m thinking Manaen misspelled their moniker and it’s really just “mean”.

  6. Colonel Blake from MASH.

    Dolores Umbridge.

    Ricky Straton.

    Ed Rooney.

    Boner from Growing Pains.

  7. In response to sportsballs/cats, I give you this msterpiece: http://fatcatart.ru/category/shedevry/

  8. *masterpiece. You know what I mean.

  9. The mayor from Portlandia

  10. Duffy,
    That is amazeballs. I think we need to fat-cat up some Greg Olsen works.

  11. Joshua B. says:
  12. Your kids’ first word might be “hot”, only in Finnish, or whatever.

    My first word was “hot”, too.
    Of course, I was referring to my mom’s junior visiting teaching companion. *rim-shot*

  13. Fictional character who should be Mormon: Molly Ringwald’s character (Claire) from the Breakfast Club.

  14. Corky St Claire.

  15. liz johnson says:

    Sure Matt Page has done the thinking, but has he done the drawing? Because that’s when I thought it was done.

  16. Great work, Boz. That is all.

  17. The Weasley family.

  18. This series is my favorite thing ever. Well, until the tumblr in which sportsballs are replaced with cats, which now holds that honor.

  19. Capozaino says:

    Alfred: suit, British, counsels troubled youth/adults, constantly serving

    Coach Taylor: family man, negotiates line between presidering and equality, is forced to deal with other people’s kids, loses it when his daughter is maturing (those beers were nonalcoholic)

    Mitch Hundred: suit, clean cut, politics, pragmatic, part machine (he’s an ex, though)

  20. Capozaino (2:50pm)–

    Coach Taylor: family man, negotiates line between presidering and equality, is forced to deal with other people’s kids, loses it when his daughter is maturing (those beers were nonalcoholic)

    How Steve and I missed Coach Taylor is simply beyond me. Obvious pick, really.

  21. UPDATE:

    Scott: how in the world did we miss Coach Taylor?

    Steve: Dammit

    Scott: i know, right?

    Steve: Maybe because he’s not fictional

    Scott: GOOD ANSWER

  22. I second the Weasleys.

    Emerson (from Jack Reacher, 2012)
    Harvey Dent (The Dark Knight)
    Bruce Wayne (Batman generally)
    Mrs. O’Brien (Tree of Life)
    Gwen Stacy (The Amazing Spiderman, 2012)
    Brian O’Connor (Fast and Furious)
    Vivian Johnson (Without a Trace)

  23. john f. (and MMiles),

    The Weasleys are a great pick. I have to say that I can’t really see Bruce Wayne as a Mormon. Too much killing, too little value on family life, too dark and deep and tortured. Not sure about Gwen Stacy, either–though I’ve only read comics with her and haven’t seen the recent film.

  24. Capozaino says:

    Bruce Wayne is no good as a Mormon, but is another point in Alfred’s favor. Alfred just wants him to settle down and have a nice family.

  25. ^ +1

  26. I dunno — all that stuff you listed for BW is part of the facade, roboty crow.

  27. Capozaino says:

    Milton Waddams (the stapler guy from Office Space). Or really just any of the management people from Office Space.

    I should probably step away from the keyboard or I will be thinking about this all day.

  28. (by the way, my list draws from a “big tent” approach to Mormons — in fact in the case of two of the fictional characters listed, the actors are actually Mormons, one is even a returned missionary)

  29. Capozaino says:

    Alright, one more.

    john f. 3:22
    Only if you assume Batman is the facade (which he is not).

  30. Fletcher says:

    Wait. Yoda bears a striking resemblance to one Spencer W. Kimball. Wouldn’t that classify him as already mormon?

  31. Fix it Felix Jr. from the game Fix it Felix Jr.

  32. I’m not buying Bruce Wayne at the moment, but maybe I could be convinced. Need to think about this.

  33. Throwing in my vote for Alfred, and I love that Ted and Rory made the list. Amelia Pond, however, is probably Anglican or atheist–probably adds to Rory’s frustration, his wife just won’t sit down and listen to the missionaries. She’s too busy enjoying the space-time continuum.

    Also, how about the Pickles’ family from Rugrats? Maybe they’re a mix of Jews and Mormons like Joanna Brooks’ family?

  34. UPDATE

    Steve: OK, so don’t take this the wrong way John, but your list was almost entirely wrong.

    John F: you guys aren’t going to change my list by tag teaming me
    it’s the only true list. are you aiming for reinforcing stereotypes of searching for authenticity?

    Steve: we’re not trying to change your list. We’re pleading with you with all the pleadings of a tender parent.

    John F: ‘cuz if you just want stereotypes, I can see why you wouldn’t want Vivian Johnson or BW or Gwen

    Scott: Yeah, I can’t really see any of them (of those I know–haven’t seen Jack Reacher, Gwen Stacy historically is NOT Mormon, but I haven’t seen Emma Stone version)

    Steve: Gwen was roman catholic.

    John F: I’m talking the 2012 movie version. most of them are nominally Catholic if you dig a little deeper. that shouldn’t be a determining factor.

    Steve: um, except it sort of is. Bruce Wayne, billionaire playboy? Nope. Not a lot of LDS billionaire playboys.

    John F: so you should have said that a criterion is that they can’t be already committed to a specific religion

    Steve: oh come on. Next you’ll say that Avatar Aang was LDS

    John F: the billionaire playboy thing is a façade. it’s not real

    Steve: it’s a facade but he does still drink, sleep with supermodels, etc.

    Scott: Bruce Wayne doesn’t believe in the afterlife OBVIOUSLY or he wouldn’t be so frickin’ stressed over his parents being murdered in cold blood in front his childhood eyes

    John F: : nah, the avatar’s not Mormon. everyone makes mistakes. he does what he thinks he has to do. as I was telling Scott, it is not whether he’s a peter priesthood or molly mormon that should determine this, which is where you two seem to be at right now but it is the overall quality of their personality. and whether they rock a suit.

    Steve: you are sadly mistaken.

    John F: for you guys this excercise is merely to reinforce stereotypes. find a fictional character that basically looks and acts like Elaine Dalton and, bingo, you’ve got a good entry on the list. I’m taking the “I’m a Mormon” approach whereas you’re stuck in the CES church.

    Steve: I agree that if you throw out the rational criteria that Scott and I established in our righteous roles as leaders of the thread, you could come up with all sorts of nifty Mormons like Hannibal Lecter. But then you’ve sort of lost it.

    John F: two church theory

    Scott: I think John just called us narrow-minded.

    John F: yes

    Steve: I think John just showed that he doesn’t understand the basics of the exercise.

    John F: My list is basically consistent with the “I’m a Mormon” campaign. yours is restricted to the corporate image that the Church worked so hard to create in the 1970s

    Scott: John has basically looked at the last 10-15 movies he watched, picked his favorite characters, and said, BOOM! MORMON!

    Steve: right.

    John F: haha

    Steve: You know who else was Mormon? Neo. oh, and Tron. And Django

    John F: the list would be a lot longer if I went with all movies and TV I’ve watched

    Scott: Don’t forget Peter Dinklage.

    Steve: Protagonist? MORMON

    John F: not so

    Steve: Lightweight antagonist? MORMON

    John F: some of my list are the bad guys. there are criteria?

    Scott: Who was the guy that hosted the Oscars? MORMON

    Steve: Oscar — MORMON (the grouch)

    John F: The exercise wasn’t fun if I had to look for Peter Priesthoods or Molly Mormons

    Scott: Louisville basketball? MORMON

    Steve: Cool Ranch Tacos? MORMON

    I apologize. Cool Ranch went too far.

    Those are clearly Adventist.

  35. Capozaino says:

    Curse this thread for capturing my imagination.

    Points in favor of Bruce Wayne being a Mormon: he wears suits all the time; clean cut (only in some depictions); works hard; clear leadership qualities; rad with corporations; has a purpose in life; fraternizes with youth (if you accept Robin); totally cool with living alternate lives (only useful if polygamy is brought back and you have to go back to “minding your own business”)

    Points against Bruce Wayne being a Mormon: he deliberately stays out past when the Spirit goes to bed; violent; clearly takes home more money than someone paying tithing on gross would; promiscuous; endangers youth (if you accept Robin); purpose in life is to cultivate fear in the minds of evildoers; constantly lying; breaks Sabbath (I’m assuming Batman doesn’t rest on Sundays); shirt on Batman’s costume not white; not clean cut (only in some depictions); bad at his job (those villains always find a way back out of the asylum)

    In other words, there is no way Christian Bale’s Batman was a Mormon. Maybe Adam West’s Bruce Wayne was a Mormon, but Adam West’s Bruce Wayne is lame and shouldn’t count. Jury’s out on the Batmen between West and Bale.

  36. Capozaino,

    Please refer to the OP re people from the 60’s in order to deal with Adam West’s Bruce Wayne.

  37. I don’t think Bruce Wayne qualifies. What about avoiding the appearance of evil? He sort of cultivates the appearance of evil.

    I think the Bennett family from Pride and Prejudice are better candidates. The mother is obsessed with marrying her five daughters off to wealthy men. They frown upon one daughter running off with a guy, but marrying him makes it okay. And the two older daughters have a dual wedding. Come on, that’s mormon all over the place.

  38. Capozaino says:

    Peeta: goody-goody; awkward around girls; professes being inferior to the girl he loves; gloms on to a girl he perceives as being superior to drag him to victory

  39. I think Bruce Wayne works as an ex-Mormon. Parents were Mormon. Father was a Stake President as well as being a leading citizen. After his parents are killed, Bruce Wayne had a hard time reconciling everything. Didn’t his parents pay their tithing? Weren’t they at every meeting? What more could they have done in order to ensure the Lord’s protecting care? And yet they were gunned down in the street. It’s tough to keep believing after that. So, he’s not a sunbeam anymore, but that primary kid goodness is still driving him, in a way.

  40. Oh, also, Stanley Ipkiss (the Mask). He wears a suit, is meek, falls for the girl who’s way out of his league (and gets her!), and fights evil. Except I’m not sure what to do with the mask side of his character.

  41. Jesse Pinkman could totally be Mormon. Sure he rebelled when he turned 14, but you can just tell that under his bad-boy exterior is a nice guy who should have served a mission.

  42. Thomas Parkin (4:30pm) nails it.

  43. Casey, fully agreed about Jesse but he’s definitely the guy on the list who never gets home taught.

  44. Except I’m not sure what to do with the mask side of his character.

    Mandy,
    It is a cautionary tale for men who struggle with addiction to…stuff.

  45. Capozaino says:

    Peter Parker: clean, but corny sense of humor; great power/great responsibility; constantly reconciling duty with conflicting personal desires; cares about family (Aunt May for young Spiderman; Mary Jane for married Spiderman)

  46. Capozaino says:

    Thomas Parkin 4:30

    Almost thou persuadest me. I would totally buy that graphic novel, though.

  47. Based strictly on physical appearance and attire, I used to regularly refer (in the privacy of my own at home) to Elder Rumsfeld and Elder Ashcroft.

  48. Ok, and I thought Ashcroft looked kind of like Holland.

  49. MDearest says:

    Has anyone nominated Louis Tully yet?

  50. Hahaha, Scott B. It works well as a cautionary tale.

    Also, I second the vote for Thomas Parkin’s explanation about BW. That makes pretty good sense.

  51. I was going to disagree on Ted Mosby because of his douchieness, but then I realized that’s all part of it.

    And while I buy Agent Broyles and Walternate, I think you overlooked Lincoln Lee, but not alternate Lincoln Lee. He’s got an RM vibe to him.

    And, I could see the Bluths as members of record.

  52. Capozaino says:

    Even more obvious than Coach T? The Parr family from The Incredibles.

  53. Wait, how did we go from Riley to Mayor Wilkins? Wha???

  54. @MJA: The Bluths are the fictional family that most reminds me of my own family, and we’re Mormon. So, QED.

  55. How aboyt Ted Bundey

  56. Don Bluth totally is Mormon. (Directed Secret of NIMH and a bunch of other cartoons).

    Oh. Sorry. Wrong Bluth family.

    My pick: Simon Tam.

  57. Thomas does it again. Sometimes, it’s important to bow to greatness.

    The Huxtable family, except Mrs. Huxtable – unless she went back to the courtroom only after the youngest chlid started kindergarten.

  58. Natallie Teeger (Monk)

  59. Col Blake drinks too much and cheats on his wife. Radar O’Reilly is a big fat yes.

    I think you can make a case for the Flintstones (but not the Rubbles).

    Females are tough since they are all pretty much booze hounds on sit-coms (lonely women talking about drinking away their sorrows while avoiding exercise is hilarious). Maybe Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls. Or Ashley Tisdale in the High School Musical Movies.

    Once people start having sex the Mormon-ness goes out the window or Jess on New Girl might have potential. She’s dorky and an unconvincing, awkward lover, but she definitely is having way too much sex to qualify, as is Schmidt, another candidate from that show. I do think you could make a case for Marshall’s family on HIMYM, His mom’s recipe involving 16 cups of mayonnaise didn’t seem out of the realm of Mormon possibility. Add some welfare cheese, and it’s a slam dunk.

  60. Dean from Supernatural. Definitely Mormon. Shakes hands with demons, shoots the breeze with angels, etc. Dang, I never saw it before. He’s Joseph Smith reincarnated. I think a little text study might show that bit about reincarnation being a “doctrine of the devil” can be worked on, so yeah. Dean. And Sam. And Aaron Brown.

  61. Swisster says:

    Dolores Umbridge. Yes.

  62. And no way on Gwen Stacy. All the priests would have to recuse themselves from the sacrament table. Nope. Not Mormon for long.

  63. I want to say Frodo Baggins: Grows up in rural Utah. Serves as District Leader in the Eastern Lands Mission. Generally faithful and obedient to the mission rules, but might omit from his journal the couple of times he was separated from his companion. Oh yeah, and he kept a mission journal. Fends off the armies of the adversary at every turn. Follows the prophet. Not inclined to violence but willing to do what is necessary to see the work through and protect his fellows. But then I get stuck on the part where he throws the wedding ring into Mount Doom.

  64. Also he wears magic underwear.

  65. And has visions, though most of them are of Satan.

  66. Frodo is an Eagle Scout with all the core merit badges: Orienteering, rowing, hiking, wilderness survival, backpacking, camping, canoeing, climbing. Loves America (probably). Sam has cooking and gardening, but not swimming. Merry and Pippin have Forestry.
    Ok, now I’ll stop.

  67. The Waltons: Multigenerational family, avoidance of The Recipe, and plenty of “growing up on the farm” stories for sons to tell in General Conference. “Good night, Brother John-Boy.”

  68. Eight is enough family. Obviously.

  69. I want my ten minutes back.

  70. Capozaino says:

    Mr. Freeze: hard worker; dedicated husband (SPOILERS unless you’ve read the Court of Owls thing where he’s a weird creeper); has difficult time expressing emotion, but you can tell he feels deeply (may be disqualified because he’s unlikely to cry while bearing testimony)

    Henry Walton Jones, Sr.: educated; from British Isle; taught son self reliance (may be disqualified because he was kind of a deadbeat dad); weirdly obsessed with ancient world religious artifacts

    Phoenix Wright: suits and white shirts; professional; goody-goody; has a purpose in life; defends just causes; good friend; apparently chaste and sober (I haven’t played all the games, though, so this might not all pan out)

  71. Superman–Methodist
    Batman–Catholic (lapsed)
    Spider-Man–Jewish
    Mr. Fantastic–agnostic
    Wonder Woman–pagan
    Wolverine–Shinto Buddhist
    Iron Man–Episcopalian (lapsed)
    Colossus–Russian Orthodox
    Nightcrawler–Catholic
    Professor X–atheist
    Black Widow–agnostic
    Judge Dredd–Lutheran
    The Hulk–Presbyterian (lapsed)
    Booster Gold–Southern Baptist
    Rorschach–Zoroastrian
    Thor–pagan
    Flash–Methodist
    Storm–Sunni Muslim (lapsed)
    Captain America–Mormon

  72. Agent Smith. Best suit wearer of all time.

    I think Christopher Eccleston’s version of The Doctor would have made a fine ward clerk.

    Sam from Game of Thrones is a total deacon. And the Starks could be old-timey mormons.

  73. Seth R.,
    No one made you keep reading after the first 7 minutes of crap, man!

  74. RAF,
    Your list has such an air of authority that I dare not debate the contents. Well done.

  75. “Captain America–Mormon”

    Laugh.

  76. George McFly (pre encounter with time-traveling Marty).

  77. I just want to emphasize that John F. was correct. That is all.

  78. First Season Betty Draper.

  79. KerBearRN says:

    Hank Hill –except for the beer drinking out behind the fence…
    Michael Scott– lots of white shirts and ties; quite socially awkward but in a loveable-nerd way, loves team-building activities.
    Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham– totally supportive and sweet daddy character, honest in all his dealings with his fellow men…

  80. Michael Scott FTW! Also, accidentally wears a ladies’ pants suit. And innocently makes racist remarks.

  81. MDearest says:

    Also, Lord Grantham has a terrible case of white male privilege that he’s utterly blind to, so there’s that.
    But really, didn’t all you BYU alumni ever meet a Louis Tully or two on campus? What, you can’t google him? The accountant/keymaster in Ghostbusters?

  82. Professor Xavier.
    Simon Tam.
    Jesse Pinkman is clear, but honestly, I can see Walter White just as easily. A decent into viliany and depravity, but also still holding so tight to his controls, at least in his own mind. (On season 3, so maybe that changes)

  83. Cynthia L.– If that is the case, then I’d love to see your take on the chicken dance.

  84. After considerable thought, I have to disagree on The Hulk. Bruce Banner is definitely Mormon. Possibly he’s been excommunicated by an uncharitable stake president at this point, and perhaps disappointment in the God’s failure to answer his prayer is a factor, but eventually he’ll return to family night.

  85. WVS, I’m with you on Bruce Banner.

  86. What about Marge Simpson and her inactive husband?

  87. Capozaino says:

    MDearest is right. The picture heading from the Ghostbusters wiki for Louis Tully is basically the perfect encapsulation of what it means to be a modern Mormon: Lawyer, Accountant, Reserve Ghostbuster.

  88. I don’t think Homer was ever a member. Marge converted as a teenager (inciting much mockery from her sisters), but then ended up marrying outside the faith after briefly dabbling in a disappointingly weak Springfield LDS singles scene.

  89. PLEASE bring back the numbered comments!

  90. If you want to bring back numbered comments, you just need to add margin-left:20px; to your comments list items.

    Code should look like this:

    .comment-list li {
    list-style-type: decimal;
    margin-left: 20px;
    }
    
  91. John F.,

    WVS, I’m with you on Bruce Banner.

    Hulk? MORMON!

  92. No, srsly, how did we go from the defensible claim that Riley is Mormon to the mayor being Mormon? THE NOT KNOWING IS BUGGING ME!!

  93. Cynthia,
    It’s like you’ve never been in an IM conversation before. We were just spit-balling, and then “R”evelation struck.

  94. Capozaino says:

    Dr. Alan Grant: Could easily be replaced with SteveP without changing anything else about Jurassic Park

    Dr. Ian Malcolm: Swap chaos theory for foreordination theory, and I think you’re there (several other Jeff Goldblum characters may be ripe for post hoc Mormonization)

    Jon Hammond: His drive to become more like God and live a life like God’s life sooner than God intended resulted in some awesome consequences (dinosaurs are back) and some catastrophes (dinosaurs kill people)

  95. That one doctor on House–Cole or whatever?

  96. KerBearRN says:

    What about Pi? Finding the best in an utterly horrific situation. Totally in with God. If he ain’t Mormon by now, we need to send in the missionaries.

  97. Marshall from “Alias”.

    I second the Bluth family as members of record. Michael is definitely an RM, and was probably AP. And George Michael totally wants to be priest quorum 1st assistant.

    Part of me could even see a sober/chaste Jack Donaghy (30 Rock) as a wealthy, emotionally distant stake president in Utah. Quote: “We Donaghys believe that when there is something at all delicate to talk about it is best to suppress it…until it erupts into a fist fight at a church barbecue.”

  98. Hershel Greene. Patriarch.

  99. Capozaino says:

    Ron Swanson: BYU-approved mustache and hair; libertarian; self-reliance and emergency preparedness guru; musically talented; perfect candidate for high priest group leader if it weren’t for the drinking

  100. “What about Pi? Finding the best in an utterly horrific situation. Totally in with God.”

    Sure, if you want, but he’s all the other other religions too, so I’m not sure it counts.

  101. Jimmy Olson

  102. Ok the mayor is very at home in a cheap suit and tie. And he grins a lot.

  103. Have to comment on your parent of the year award. My friend and I have an honorary tiara we send back and forth to each other for our ‘Mother of the Year’ award. Mine was received when I changed my daughter’s diaper and then forgot to put a new one on her. She stood up in the back of the cart at Target and said “Uh Oh” as she eliminated everywhere.(Clean up on aisle one!) I thought the diaper had shifted a little but imagine my horror when there was none. Thankfully I was in a store where I could buy new ones. My friend got the tiara back when she left one of her 4 year old daughter home when she went shopping and didn’t notice until checkout. Thankfully, she was alive when she returned although very clingy for weeks afterwards.

  104. She stood up in the back of the cart at Target and said “Uh Oh” as she eliminated everywhere.

    Man! Eliminating EVERYWHERE? Harsh.

  105. kc’s comment might be the most focused on the literal meaning of the words in a title ever written here.

  106. Mr. Rogers?

  107. Harold on Suits. How did I miss that one?!

  108. So how is it no one has mentioned the Waltons? Also, it is my understanding that The Wonder Twins from Justice League of America actually were Mormons according to Stan Lee.

  109. ShawnC–
    Ardis (April 11, 2013 at 7:17 pm) mentioned the Waltons up above;

    Wonder Twins are a great pick.

  110. Carly’s sidekick, Sam, on iCarly – both for the character and since the actor actually is LDS.

  111. I have to second Herschel. Good call.

    Also, I thought Abe Sapien might be a good candidate, assuming we’re allowed to baptize other species.

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