CTR: Crap That’s Real is a column devoted to discussions of whatever I deem worthy of discussion. It might be Mormon-related; it might not be. This week, we are going to talk about General Conference Snacks, Movies, Baseball, and other related minutiae. If you have something you think is worthy of inclusion in next week’s CTR, shoot me an email.
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It has been nearly one and a half years since I last struck the keyboard here at BCC. During that absence, people have asked where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, why I left, and even whether or not I am actually the same person as Steve Evans, who was also absent during that same time period. These are all worthy questions, but the easiest one to answer is why I left. It’s very simple: Over time, I became increasingly afraid of the possibility that Brad Kramer would eat me. Since it’s just us girls here, I’ll let you in on a little secret: You ever wonder what happened to JNS? Amri? Like 50 other permas here at BCC? Brad ate them. He’s like the Mayor in Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, voiced by Bruce Campbell. When you first get to know him, he’s all nice and helpful, if a bit ambitious for your liking. But once he realizes that you can aid him in his quest to become Really Big, there is no stopping his insatiable appetite. He is like Cookie Monster, only for EVERYTHING.
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Speaking of Bruce Campbell and Monsters, there is a remake of The Evil Dead coming out this weekend, and it’s apparently pretty good. The original Evil Dead is one of the all-time classics of the horror genre, though I know that you’re all well-behaved Mormons around here, and therefore haven’t seen it. This is unfortunate, however, since it’s obviously based on the Restoration: A group of beautiful teenagers/young twenty somethings (Smith Family) goes off into the woods for a weekend of relaxation (moving to Vermont, clearing fields, day-laboring). While attempting to recreate (“find religion”), they discover an ancient book called the Necronomicon (“The Book of Alma”). Upon reading (translating) this unholy (sacred) text, a whole truckload of evil spirits (“angels,” or “Pratts”) are called forth to torment (“set apart,” or “ordain”) the group of cabin-dwellers (the Smiths) until they’re basically all slaughtered (“exalted”) or have chainsaws for their hands (like Hyrum Smith). Anyway, in theaters this weekend. Take your kids. It’s rated R for Aaron “R.”
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If the Evil Dead doesn’t quench your appetite (Brad, heh) for bloody violence and gore, don’t forget that this weekend is General Conference Episode CLXXXIII. I plan to watch this show with my wife and children from the comfort of my living room, while I try not to strangle my children who will keep saying that they don’t want to watch this show and ask to watch some other show. I’d probably also prefer to watch whatever other show they want to watch, but we’re Mormons aren’t we? And we Mormons don’t do things we want to do, because Contention Is Of The Devil.
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Earlier this week, during FHE, I was trying to explain GC to the kids–trying to get them excited for it, stressing the importance of being spiritually prepared. After my mini-sermon, my oldest son (he’s almost 7) looks up at me, a shining glint of understanding sparkling in his eyes, and says, “We don’t have to wear our church clothes for this, right?” Man, I love that kid. But seriously–like all Mormon parents, I hope that this might finally be the year that my kids are old enough and mature enough to help me catch some soccer by standing guard in the hallway when Mommy goes to the bathroom and alerting me when she’s coming back so we can change the channel back without getting caught.
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In case you missed it, a really big spider was discovered in Sri Lanka, the location of the sixth Lost Tribe of Israel. While the size of the spider is shocking enough, what really blew my mind was the discovery of an entire “British Tarantula Society.” No, it’s a real thing–an entire TARANTULA SOCIETY! Do all countries have Tarantula Societies? Is there an American Tarantula Society? What about a Mormon Tarantula Society? Who is the President/Prophet?
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Apparently a bunch of BCC bloggers and friends and wives and children of BCC bloggers are traipsing around Spain, pretending to be Catholic pilgrims or something, and getting rained on. I haven’t paid much attention to this, since it doesn’t revolve around me, but it is my understanding that Ronan’s knees are really sore, and he recently had a vision of what it will be like to be an old person. You can see their pictures and read their words by following their updates here at BCC, where we’ve placed the account of the adventure in the Featured Post spot until they are either dead or done walking, whichever comes first.
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BTW, I asked Ronan why he didn’t live blog our recent European soccer pilgrimage, and he said that it was too sacred.
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Baseball started this week, and Bryce Harper, the Mormon Dale Murphy, hit two home runs in the first game of the year. That put him on pace to hit 324 home runs this year, a new MLB record. But then Harper choked big time in the second game and didn’t hit any home runs. Now he’s on pace to hit just 162 home runs this year. I’ll keep you updated on Brother Harper’s MLB record season. (Also, Kansas City is 0-2, which is normal. Sorry Mark Brown.)
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Weekly Declaration of Truth/Rankings
So, earlier this week we posted a thing on Facebook asking people who don’t like Cheezits what their favorite GC snacks are. People who like Cheezits were asked to shut their stupid faces, and then introduced to Brad Kramer. Also, if you haven’t Liked our FB page or Followed us on Twitter, please get off of your lazy duff and do so now. Good grief, you don’t even have to leave this page to do it. Just click the little buttons to your right. (Your right, not mine; that way –>).
Anyway, Steve Evans and I discussed the results and determined the Official Top 10 General Conference Snacks. Our discussion and ruling is below.
Scott: I have to say–the responses do not inspire much faith in our FB followers. Basically, they said vodka and Chex. The question wasn’t “If you’re dying in a Russian Prison, what would they feed you?”
Steve: Not a heckuva lot of confidence in them, no. I suspect they are undergrads at Chico State.
Scott: One person–a “Julia”–apparently likes sodium. A lot. “…chili cheese and scoop Fritojs, mini Rueben sandwiches in rye cocktail bread, homemade cheeseball with ham chunks and triscuits, and meatballs.”
Steve: I call that snack ensemble the “Triple Bypass”. But, on the other hand, if your snacks include bean sprouts, you’re dead to me.
Scott: Anyway, as I look over these answers, it’s abundantly clear to me that these people have entirely failed to recognize the primary purpose of snacks: Get the kids to shut up.
Once you understand this fundamental goal, any choice of snacks that doesn’t involve a gigantic bowl of marshmallows, smarties, and other little cheap candy that you’ve got left over from Halloween/Christmas/Easter is simply a waste of time and energy.
Steve: Is that the primary purpose? I mean, maybe – if you’re watching at the Stake Center or something. At home, a primary purpose is to enjoy tasty snacks to keep awake.
Scott: I disagree. I don’t see GC weekend any differently than any other day of the year: The primary goal–each and every day–is to get the kids to shut up (and leave me alone). Anyway, we need an official ranking, so let’s do it.
WAIT. Does gum count?
Scott: Not as a primary snack. It is a post-snack snack, if that makes sense.
Steve: Lemme tell you a story of what might have been. Imagine watching Conference in a dark Stake Center on a hard back chair. You’re 10 years old and you’re just sad to be alive. Then your dad taps you on the shoulder and hands you a bag of Big League Chew. Now how do you feel? BEST CONFERENCE EVER.
But fine, dash my fantasies for the time being and let’s stick gum under the chair for now. Top 6 silent GC snacks.
Scott: Do you know WHY your dad handed you a bag of Big League Chew? To get you to SHUT UP
Steve: 1. My dad never handed me a bag of Big League Chew. 2. I was usually napping on the floor.
Scott: Okay, that settles my top snack: Children’s Dramamine
Steve: It’s good for kids and the elderly, too!
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General Conference Snacks, ranked
1. Kettle Corn/Cracker Jack
2. Fruit snacks (but they have to have actual differentiation in flavor. Like the Welch’s ones from Costco because of this. Your Scooby-Doos and Cars fruit snacks are a mockery.)
4. Cadbury’s Mini-Eggs
5. Sour Patch Kids
6. “Gum” (for Steve)
7. Gobstoppers (sour).
8. Pirate Booty
10. Tootsie Roll Pops