The Word of Internet Wisdom

Revelation given at Provo, Utah, May 20, 2013. As a consequence of the early brethren incessantly using mobile devices for Facebooking and Bejeweling in their meetings, the Prophet was led to ponder on the matter; consequently, he inquired of the Lord concerning it. This revelation, known as the Word of Internet Wisdom, was the result. 

1–9, The use of Buzzfeed, MMORPG’s, Stumbleupon, and Reddit is proscribed;10–17, Creatively contributing to human society, spending time outdoors, serving your fellow man, and cultivating loving relationships with real people you can see and touch are ordained for the use of man and of animals; 18–21, Obedience to gospel law, including the Word of Internet Wisdom, brings temporal and spiritual blessings.

1 A Word of Internet Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled anywhere, and the church, and also the saints in Zion, men, women, children—pretty much for anyone with a username and password.

2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of Internet wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints after the year 1998 or so—

3 Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all Internet-using saints, who are or can be called saints, even those still on Usenet or Myspace or who mostly just contribute to RPG wikis, yea, even all.

4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of excessive Facebooking and Twittering and Pinteresting, which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men and women in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of Internet wisdom by revelation—

5 That inasmuch as any man or woman useth Facebook or Twitter among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to link to non-brain-cell-destroying articles or making truly significant life announcements before him.

6 And, behold, this should be limited use of social media, yea, pure social media of original intent, of your own make, with connections consisting of people you actually know and would actually like to be with.

7 And, again, Facebook is not for an emotional crutch and dependency-laden substitute for real authentic relationships, but for basic connection and information concerning people you care about but cannot see in person and, yea, for the occasional meme, the intermittent act of promoting significant accomplishments, and the non-excessive posting of cute photos of your children, in truth and righteousness.

8 And again, MMORPG’s are not for grown men with families, friends, hobbies, or an interest in the opposite sex,  neither as a skill that can be put on a résumé, and are not good for man, but as an occasional cathartic release, to be played with judgment and skill.

9 And again, Buzzfeed and Reddit, yea, even Stumbleupon are not for the mind, heart, body or belly.

10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome and moderate online activities God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

11 Every email message in the season thereof, and every serious discussion board in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.

12 Yea, and various social media services, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of post-surgical procedures, planning events and trips with participants of 10 or more, and re-connecting with the birth mother who gave you up for adoption but is in a much better place now emotionally and financially.

14 All walking trails and hiking paths and biking tracks are ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth, to be out of doors and within the natural world, a wild and crazy notion in these the last days;

15 And these hath God made for the use of man not only in times of power outages and vacations abroad.

16 All creatively contributing to human society and welfare is good for man; as also serving others, knowing their needs and attending to their sufferings, all of which yieldeth fruit, whether immediately or at a later time–

17 Nevertheless, as corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, cultivating loving relationships with real people you can see and touch is for man, combined, betimes, with a mild online presence, as for other methods of cultivation; blogging cannot be done in excess though trolling and inane comments doth multiply, and are an offense to me, thus saith the Lord.

18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones, and are less likely to suffer from or die of anxiety, cardiovascular disease, deep vein thrombosis, diabetes, colon cancer, obesity, lipid disorders, kidney stones, and a host of other horrors that you cannot bear right now.

19 And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures, like a fresh breeze, a child’s laughter, a hug from a friend, a thrilling mountain excursion, visiting the lonely, possibly a burst pipe in the basement that you can finally get to, and yea, you and your house will be saved

20 And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint, particularly after the first month or so, during which time you thought your lungs would explode and your femoral arteries hemorrhage internally from the exertion.

21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them, neither the Destroying Angel of Extreme Non-Productivity nor the Destroying Angel of Existential Virtual Disillusionment. Amen.

Comments

  1. Mark Brown says:

    Oh, Jacob.

    :)

  2. Amen.

  3. Shawn Tucker says:

    Brilliant!

  4. Couldn’t agree more.

  5. Yeah, verily.

  6. I can’t tell whether you want me to continue live-blogging (via FB) my ward sacrament meetings, or not.

  7. But what about imgur? Or is it not mete that we be commanded in all things?

  8. This is true. Thanks Jacob.

  9. (to be filed under “Mormons’ growing love of Lenten FB fasts.”

  10. J. Stapley says:

    Amen.

  11. I’ll note that there is NO official position on Youtube, and if you believe not allowing funny cat videos in your house is best for your family that’s your right, but don’t pretend that’s the standard for everyone. I’ve never seen anything wrong with an occasional Youtube, even when you couldn’t access it on BYU’s Campus.

  12. Ardis and Elle: Indeed, it is not meet that the Lord should command in all things.For she who is compelled in all things the same is a slothful and unwise Internet user.

    Casey: Note that Youtube is no longer blocked on the Lord’s campuses, manifesting that Youtube can also be used sparingly.

  13. But I have heard rumors that BCC is now blocked at ward buildings.

  14. john f: D&C 19:22: “For they cannot bear meat now, but milk they must receive; wherefore, they must not know these things, lest they perish.” Someday, they will be able to bear meat. That day is not yet.

  15. Go back and check the revelation, please. No Buzzfeed??!

  16. True, but the apologist in me says the Church hasn’t done this intentionally but that the new BCC format is a victim of neutral firewall guidelines. Believe me, many a corporate firewall thinks Kulturblog is a gambling site. . . .

  17. Wait a few years and this will be interpreted in a way to allow it. We just need a Heber J. Grant type figure to come along and apply it for a particular use.

  18. “The wicked take the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to their very center.” Verily, Buzzfeed is an addictive Time-Suck of cosmological proportions. The wise and prudent avoid it at the cost of their very souls.

  19. Sort of a theory of solidarity with the weakest among us — some of us might not be susceptible to the addiction of Buzzfeed but as others are, we all abstain?

  20. Yeah, but have you seen that video of a cat in a shark suit riding a Roomba chasing a duck? HAVE YOU?

  21. john: O be wise. what can I say more? If you are constitutionally built for minimal Buzzfeed tolerance, then blessed are ye. But if not…..

  22. Testify.

  23. Word. Funny and true.

  24. The LDS subreddit is actually pretty good.

    /r/latterdaysaints FTW

  25. Kevin Barney says:

    It’s a little known fact that this revelation was occasioned by the prophet’s wife, who was sick to death of serving dinner only to have everyone bury their heads for the whole meal in their smartphones. Just a little tidbit for the Church history buffs.

  26. Nate S. says:

    I think there’s a comma missing in verse 15.

  27. Yes.

  28. Tumblr?

  29. Crap, now I’m late for work…

  30. Thanks a lot! I read this new scriptures to my family and what to they do?! Go and check out Buzzfeed!!!

  31. Angela C says:

    Awesome! I’ve already found the loopholes to justify my own behavior and the motes to look for in my neighbor’s eye as with the other WoW!

  32. beautiful!!

  33. LOL

  34. Angela, yes, there are many more-righteous-than-thou ways to read this, just like with the Word of Wisdom!

  35. 5 to 1 odds that at least one sentence of this is quoted in conference by next April. President Uchtdorf and Elder Perry come to mind as those who would be likely to say something along these lines and in this way.

  36. I don’t like prophecies that condemn me, so this post must have been written under the influence of a different source.

    Check your computer for a virus from a different group blog, Jacob. I’ve heard FMH is committed to retain their status at any cost, and the possible result of this post to BCC is part of their nefarious plan.

  37. Joshua B. says:

    I’d like to point out a technicality: reddit’s front page may be crud, but subreddits are most excellent.

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