Some Thoughts on Divorce

DivorceDivorce sucks. The unraveling and separating of lives is painful and messy, no matter how mature or well-intentioned the parties. My own divorce is now four-plus years in the rearview mirror, but I have several friends who are at various stages in the process right now, and it’s got me ruminating on what I learned, and what I wish I could share with people in the midst.

Last year, I wrote an essay about my ex-husband, with his permission, here at BCC.  Reading it will give some context and gravity to my experience, and to what I took away from the process, not just as a woman and a mother, but as a Latter-day Saint.

While divorce is devastating for anyone, as Mormons we have the added pressure of what we were taught to believe was forever. Our marriages, we learn from Sunbeams on up, from our parents’ knees for Family Night, and in every YM and YW lesson, are for Eternity. That pressure, and platitudes about righteousness and presumed sin, are an extra layer and burden to a Latter-day Saint marriage that fails. It also sets up a powerful social impetus to cast blame, and to look for pat answers to what are always complicated questions. The answers to those questions are not easy, and not found in a platitude. When we insist on there being a Sinner and a Victim, when we wage wars of social collateral and gossip, when we assign blame instead of looking at our own hearts, when we pick sides and cast dispersions, we fail as Latter-day Saints and as Christians.

In my divorce, it would be seductively simple to assign blame entirely at my ex-husband’s feet. The narrative is acceptable— even encouraged, sadly— and I could easily wrap the mantle of “Wronged One” around my shoulders. Only it would be a cop out. It would be dishonest, and it would stunt any hope I had to grow from what was the single most painful experience of my life. I knew that I could not shortchange myself or my kids that way. I resolved to learn, and to do as I believed my faith demanded of me- to show compassion and love.

I spent nearly 20 years with my ex-husband. We met when I was barely more than a girl, and divorced when I was on the dark side of my 30′s and holding three children afloat. He was my friend before he was my husband, and that friendship and genuine respect for his humanity is what I hold dear now. With that in mind, here is what I learned, and what I wish I could share with my friends and with anyone going through a divorce…

Grieve. Acknowledge the loss of something that once held great promise and hope. The temptation to burry feelings, to mask sorrow with anger and rage is strong- it’s easier to be mad than it is to hurt. Give yourself permission to feel sorrow, and allow it to roll over you. Like the waves of the ocean, it won’t be forever, and what feels like overwhelming crushing weight will crash around you, and then it will ebb. It will probably happen over and over, but the more you allow the process to take place, the more certain you will be of your ability to withstand the pain, and not shrink from it, and the more confident and sure you will be of the flux and flow being part of the healing.

Be Honest. Taking a long hard look at ourselves can be frightening. In a divorce, no matter how it may seem at one point or another, the truth is, it took two people. A relationship is built on thousands of days, and millions of moments, where each partner is present, and contributes. It’s a dangerous fallacy to wrap oneself as a victim and it disallows the opportunity to grow and learn. The lessons we need in life will repeat until we understand, and figuring out my own character flaws and acknowledging them and the part they played in my divorce was integral to any hope for a healthy future relationship. Pride, the need for control and the desire to be right in a marriage can be just as corrosive as any addiction.

Rise Above Pettiness and Cruelty. No one knows where to strike to inflict the most harm like a spouse. If you’re being honest with yourself, you will be able to see where you might be contributing to a poisonous environment- it’s possible to tell yourself that you are justified, because s/he did this or that, but the truth is, you’re the one you have to live with. There is more than enough hurt in the separating without either partner manufacturing more. This isn’t junior high, and gathering folks for “your side” is petty and cruel. If you need people to be unkind to your ex in order to feel good about yourself, about your social position or about your friends, that says more about your character than you’re probably aware. And it’s not flattering. Be a grown up.

Don’t be Afraid. Life changes. Yes, change can be really hard- especially if you didn’t want it. But if you’re open to learning about yourself, there are things that might be in store for you that you never imagined. The shape and matrix of your life is changing, but who you are still belongs to you. This is part of why not allowing bitterness and cruelty to define you is so important. When you are no longer part of a pair, you have the sudden ability to figure out again who you want to be, what matters to you. That’s a powerful choice, and one that can take you in directions you hadn’t previously imagined. Not being afraid requires you to dust yourself off and find your place on the horizon.

Be Kind to Yourself. It takes time to heal- don’t walk faster than you are able. Some days, the best you can do is just make it through. Each step you take toward healing is a success. Have good friends who you can confide in, and who help you deal with your emotions in a healthy way- or who can occasionally just let you vent. Take time for yourself. Use the time your kids are with the other parent to do small things you may have neglected when you had less time alone.

Blame is a Waste of Time. Period. If you’re devoting time and energy to blame-placing, you are not healing and you are not moving forward. Blame is toxic, and it turns one into a victim. It’s also quite a narcotic, and is very seductive— it’s a hard pit to avoid, but avoiding it is necessary. You are responsible for you, and the only actions that are under your control are yours. Blame is giving yourself away. Own up to what you can about your own role, and allow other people to do that in their own time and their own way. Avoiding blame allows you to respect yourself and allows other people the room to do the same.

That brings me to children. I have a powerful cadre of feelings about children in a divorce.

Bite Your Tongue. This seems like a no-brainer, but so many people screw this one up. No matter how much you want to, no matter how justified you might feel, no matter how strong the urge- never. ever. speak ill of your children’s other parent. I mean it. NEVER. Whether you like it or not, the children are half of your ex. They know it. When you malign the other parent, you are maligning half of your children. If you have to literally chomp on your tongue, do it. If the best you can do is to say nothing, then do that. You needn’t offer praise if you feel none is deserved, but let your silence be your comment. No matter how you feel, the children will love their other parent, and honestly… they should. Fracturing them, placing blame, teaching them to harbor anger are damaging and unfitting a mature parent.

Let Your Children Be Children. If you need your children “on your side”, you need to sit down and have a long, hard look at yourself. Allowing children room to continue to have a loving relationship with both parents is one of the best things you can do during a divorce. If you need to vent about what s/he did, do so to a private confident, out of hearing of the children. Give the kids room to express themselves without having to be careful about hurting your feelings- children are not equipped to be the emotional support of their parents during a divorce, but they can and do feel this responsibility if parents are behaving immaturely. It’s the job of the parent to be the parent. Use your support structure, not your kids.

Divorce is Survivable. I’m in the camp of belief that divorce doesn’t have to be crippling to children. If we give our children the ability to write their own narrative, to express themselves, give them the freedom to continue to love both parents without emotional guilt or manipulation, and the support they need, they can grow up happy and healthy, even if the ideal family didn’t work. There are truly times where divorce is a healthier option than staying married.

Encourage Interaction. Make it easy for your children to interact with their other parent. Provide guilt-free ways for your kids to speak of, interact with, and include their other parent in their daily lives. Don’t mope or let the children see resentment in you when they enjoy time with their other parent. You are the parent, and your happiness and emotional well-being is not (and should not be) contingent on your children.

Finally, I would add:

It will get better. This will not always be a gaping wound. Time will move forward, and if you keep the bitterness from your heart, you will heal, and you will be happy again.

***

My own parents are divorced. My brothers and I were 17, 10 and 5. I give immense credit to my parents- my step-father included. No child was ever made responsible for adult emotions or actions. In hindsight, I am certain there were complicated feelings and difficulties; we were never, ever put in the middle. Both my mother, father and step-father set aside whatever differences there might have been. I have never heard a bad word from any of them about the others. My dad and step-dad even coached Little League together. To this day, I sense no resentment, no anger. It made an environment where we were safe being kids, and we trusted our parents to be adults. I’m even more grateful for this example now, and it’s part of why I chose the path I did with my ex-husband. It requires we rise above, at a time when we are possibly feeling our most low. But it can be done. Thanks are due my parents, all three of them.

I also have gratitude for my ex-husband. Because of his willingness to take responsibility for his actions and his humility in the hard work of recovery, he has positively helped in the process of my healing, and that of our children.

Recommended reading: On Divorce and Children

Comments

  1. Antonio Parr says:

    God bless you.

  2. Tracy, I have, what is probably, a dumb question. Should a well-meaning friend ever pass along something like this? If so, how long should they wait?

  3. It would depend on a lot of things- the closeness of the friendship, the openness of the recipient. There are people I know would read this and not see themselves at all, but who are the most egregious in violating the points- and others who are humble who will see themselves in all of them. There isn’t a right answer.

  4. Yes, may God bless you and your loved ones. Thank you for your skill as a writer, your wisdom that makes you confident enough to be clear, and honesty and generosity.

  5. I wish this was what I was experiencing with my parents. It is a mess. And even though my mom waited until we were adults, it has still been hard. My mom just doesn’t have a support system and relies heavily on us kids and it is overwhelming at times. Especially because she is physically handicapped and reliant on spousal maintenance, and he doesn’t feel like paying it. The immaturity and burden feel so heavy and thick. I envy you and your children for the maturity in difficult situations you are experiencing.

  6. My wife and I are both from “broken” homes. We think of ourselves as very cool. For what that’s worth. Thanks for a useful, supportive post for people living through a painful, complex, stigmatized experience.

  7. Really great Tracy, as always!

    I also have gratitude for my ex-husband. Because of his willingness to take responsibility for his actions and his humility in the hard work of recovery, he has positively helped in the process of my healing, and that of our children.

    I think this is really beneficial to the healing process.

  8. No doubt, jmb. The fact that my ex is willing to do hard things to recover, and as part of that recovery, take responsibility for himself, helps everyone. But… even if that weren’t the case, it wouldn’t give me license to be a victim or to seek escape for my own actions through blame. I would still be responsible for owning my part, and for my own healing.

  9. I appreciate this, Tracy.

    I would like to add a note that the application of these principles differs somewhat when in an abusive situation. Not all divorces are alike. And not all are the result of equally-shared fault. Sometimes, there really is a victim. That, of course, doesn’t mean the victim has to stay a victim.

    I say this, not primarily from my own experiences, but from the experiences of some of my own friends and acquaintanceas going through much worse than I did.

  10. I think the most important part of your comment, SilverRain, is “That, of course, doesn’t mean the victim has to stay a victim.” There are truly bad situations- I was in one, frankly. Without divulging unnecessary details, it couldn’t have been much worse. However, allowing that to define who we are is crippling to our future selves, and to our mental and spiritual health.

    I think it’s also very important, in supporting those we love who might be going though something like this, to remember that NO ONE knows what really goes on or went on in a marriage besides the two people exiting it. Thinking we do is what leads to taking sides and judgement, and as I said before, ain’t no one got time for that.

  11. This may be obvious, but to go along with the last two comments I would love to remind people that no two divorces are the same. Just because you know one divorced person or have had experience with divorce does not mean that this knowledge translates easily to another situation. I have sometimes run into people at church or other places that make assumptions about my financial situation, my children, my attitudes, etc. because I am divorced. If you want to know if I need financial help or other kinds of help, just ask me. Don’t assume my kids ‘don’t have a dad’ because I am a single parent–they do still have a father and he is involved in their lives. As far as how that plays out for church things, just ask me and I can ask him. Divorced people are all different and have different situations.

    My ex-husband is gay and I’ve noticed that people have the tendency to make assumptions about that fact or to assume that the end of our marriage was a positive thing or a net gain for me. I’m not sure it was–the truth is much more complicated than that and, like you said, both sides in a marriage can certainly share the blame for its end. I thought this was a great post–thank you Tracy.

  12. Amazing. I wish I had read this when I was going through the four long years it took for my divorce to be final after we separated. My ex husband and I are still friends. We were two damaged people whose damage didn’t really fit together in a marriage. I still love him, and I always will because it was a true love but I have learned important things about life and about myself through the divorce and post-divorce that I never could have learned had we remained married so I have to be grateful for that.

    We had no children, so we didn’t have to do the hard work of navigating that aspect of divorce and co-parenting so that was at least one less hurdle, but this post still struck a major chord with me. Looking back now, my behavior needed real improvement. I hope that I have made those changes to better myself but I don’t plan on ever testing them out in a relationship again. I needed to change for me.

  13. Thank you, Tracy – and everyone else who has commented. The post and comments are profound and badly needed.

  14. I think it’s also very important, in supporting those we love who might be going though something like this, to remember that NO ONE knows what really goes on or went on in a marriage besides the two people exiting it. Thinking we do is what leads to taking sides and judgement, and as I said before, ain’t no one got time for that.

    I’d change this to omit even the two people existing in it. As participants in a failing marriage, we still only have our own perception of what is really going on. That’s why it can be so easy to magnify how much we or our spouse contributed to the breakage. We’ve little idea of the behind-the-scenes thinking and experience that went into shaping the other person, even if we think we have some idea of how we got there ourselves.

    It does get more complicated with children. I still have ha hard time talking to them about it, when they ask, and try to keep it toward facts. It’s hard to keep perceived hurts from tainting it all, especially as you see them grow and are not able to take them out of the situation they are in (and are even more reluctant to separate from, since as you mention, the other is still their parent.

  15. These are important tips in preventing divorce as well. I had a crisis when my husband stopped wearing garments and attending church/temple, not to mention serving in his calling, etc. He felt he had been searching for a testimony in vain for too long. I have always been very observant and so this was a hard hard blow. My first reaction was bitterness, feelings of betrayal, and certainly I took the role of victim. My prayers were centered around a burning desire for him to change. Thankfully I was blessed, all at once and miraculously, with the wisdom that I was the one who needed to change: that my only calling was to love.

    As you suggest for divorced couples: I grieved the loss of the marriage I had planned for — still do. I was honest with him about my hopes and fears and feelings, as he was with me. I stopped saying cruel things (“it would have been better if we’d never gotten married…” “how could you be so selfish?”). I stopped being afraid — in the aforementioned experience wherein my heart was changed, I was reminded that Christ commands love and hope, never fear. I stopped blaming myself for choosing “the wrong person,” and instead began loving him for all the reasons he was the right person. I stopped blaming him.

    I know not every marriage can survive. But these things helped us to make it, when we were hanging from very thin branches. I’m thankful for a change of heart.

  16. My perspective is that these ideas are practical and apply even if you don’t actually divorce from the turbulence in your marriage. Thank you once again for your wisdom , Tracy.

  17. MidniteChick says:

    Tracy, Tears just flowed down my face in gratitude today for this post. It was just what I needed to hear. My ex and I are just barely beginning to navigate this new transition in our lives and it’s been hard. I had been trying to figure out what I am grieving–because to me, it wasn’t necessarily the “end of the marriage”…it was really the “loss of something that once held great promise and hope.” I am feeling the loss of my dreams and hopes of what I thought this marriage and my future would be…And now I can identify where my grief comes from.

    I could go on and on about every point you made because it was dead-on to what I’m feeling right now–trying to survive each moment and move forward to this new unknown consciousness. Fortunately, my ex and I have an amicable relationship of respect for each other…but it is still hard and I’m so glad that there are people like you who share your experiences because it truly gives me strength that I can survive.

    Thank you. God bless.

  18. Tracy – your advice to “Bite Your Tongue” and “Encourage Interaction” is so important. Too many children are adversely affected when this isn’t done. (I have both positive and negative experiences in this regard, but I won’t share them here.)

    FoxyJ, I agree with you that people shouldn’t make assumptions about what happened in any given couple’s divorce. It’s irritating when non-divorced people extrapolate from a tiny sample set (of the 1 or 2 divorced friends they have) to make judgmental generalizations about the group as a whole. It’s worse when the generalizations are based, not on the experiences of their friends, but solely on doctrine and theory.

  19. Naismith says:

    Wow, Just WOW. And what a great role model you are of a woman who has survived with such grace and wisdom. When I was at BYU, divorced women were in fairly prominent positions–Marilyn Arnold as dean of graduate studies, Susan Easton as the first full-time female professor in religion. And that helped send a very clear message that divorced women are not automatically broken, and are worthy of the church’s trust.

  20. This is the best, wisest, most helpful thing I’ve ever read on divorce. Thank you, Tracy.

  21. Hi Tracy,

    Thanks for this. And may God bless and keep you, your former husband and your children. One thing I’d add, though it’s a thread that runs through some of your points is: Forgive. It wasn’t until I forgave my former wife, truly forgave her (and forgave myself for my own shortcomings), that I began to feel as whole as one can be with a divorce in the rear view mirror. And it did wonders for her, as well. We are friendly co-parents now, with no bitterness or rancor and with two relatively healthy kids. Also, one more bit of advice to anyone going through this difficult challenge: Our church, though it offers the healing balm of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, can often be a very lonely and difficult place for single people, esp. divorced parents. The emphasis on a very particular kind of family (unfortunately incredibly limiting and narrow) can at times feel truly alienating. Although life feels like it’s falling apart during a divorce, it’s perhaps all the more important to focus on the core aspects of the gospel, not the church culture. Praying regularly, emulating the Savior and being able to feel and process your pain without it overwhelming you are all very useful, despite the fact that they sound like trite sunday school answers. And as Tracy mentions, being kind to yourself throughout the process is really vital. Best of luck to everyone going through such a difficult time.

  22. To be honest, Tracy, I’m not even sure the people in the marriage really understand what went on. I often think I don’t!

  23. johnnyS, yes forgiveness is the main component of the piece I wrote about my ex-husband I linked to at the top of the post, and stunningly vital to the process of healing. It was through my divorce that I learned, on a soul-deep level, that forgiveness isn’t about the other person or anything outside of us. Catharsis available no other way.

    SilverRain, that’s probably very true- and may be true of most human interactions. It’s amazing we don’t bungle things more than we do.

  24. PLEASE, are there any stories out there of couples who have successfully navigated these stormy waters of a believer and one who no longer believes? My spouse loves me and our life of 30 years together (although not perfect!) but does not see any way we can continue to coexist in this way. It is an epidemic problem and I am heart-sick and weary from trying to hold onto this man on so many levels.

  25. Dana, if you scroll up, MidnightChick says in her comment this an issue she is facing, and has found some comfort and solace. Maybe her words will help.

  26. SilverRain,

    “And not all [divorces] are the result of equally-shared fault.”

    I am not trying to nitpick your words here but I didn’t read anything in Tracy’s post about fault necessarily being equally shared. I understand what your point about abusive situations, however.

  27. Dana, I know quite a few couples in the general situation you describe who have made it work – and drawn closer together despite the difficulty. In a nutshell, as President Uchtdorf said, they had to learn to love the person to whom they were married for who that person actually is in the here and now, not primarily for whom they wanted that person to be in the future.

    If it helps at all, I believe that God will not “put assunder” any relationship where a couple seals themselves to each other in a real way, regardless of religious affiliation – when they work diligently at becoming one to the greatest extent possible for them, and I believe our temple theology validates that view:

    “Temple Sealing as a Shadow of Practical Sealing” (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2013/02/temple-sealing-as-shadow-of-practical.html)

  28. Really great post, Tracy.
    Our ward has had some great examples, thanks to a couple who had both been divorced and then married each other. They have written a good bit about it and other struggles like infertility. For whatever reasons, they’ve also appeared on the radio and such doing interviews about coping with these different situations. I post it because it may be helpful to others here, since they talk about things like dating after divorce, etc.

    http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/search/label/Divorce

  29. melodynew says:

    This is wonderful! Thank you for taking time to compose it. I especially like what you said about preserving childhood for children of divorce. I did this fairly well. And I’m proud of it. Taking the high road there is imperative. Be a grown up, even when you don’t feel like one.

    Personally, I really benefited from taking the low road, at least in private. Both myself and my children were, in fact, victimized during my marriage. Being honest about that was one the most difficult things to face. And to face my own accountability for not protecting them almost undid me.

    I blame their father for his deviance and cruelty. Blame is beautiful in its place. And rage was my reward for having courage to face the truth. I think you said as much, but peace came for me through being honest about those things. My sorrow was deep and profound, but anger was just as real and sacred. In fact, if I had moved away from anger too quickly, I would not have been able to fully feel sorrow. .. I know that’s not the case for everyone. But because anger had been give such a bad connotation for me as a good Latter-day Saint woman, I was reluctant to allow myself to use if for its God-given purpose: Head-crushing of Heal-bruisers. I gave full expression to the ugliest and most uncomfortable of emotions. And as you said in your first paragraph about the grieving process, like water, those emotions found their own level and became a calm reflecting pool. A good counselor helped me feel free to express those feelings that our culture often encourages us to suppress. (Hello, antidepressant Mecca of the Mountain West.) Blame, rage, anger were not my captors, but my liberators.

    Also, time heals all wounds. Four years looks good on you, Tracy M. I don’t know you, but I’m grateful to read your words. Thanks again. God bless you and yours.

  30. I want to be clear: taking the high road in no way equates to repressing pain or not allowing the full process of grief, pain, anger and healing to wash over you.

    It does mean dealing with it appropriately and not projecting that mess onto your children or onto others. I was filled with rage and sadness at first- but dealing with it meant doing so in healthy ways. I would tell my children, very honestly, that I was sad, or that I was angry, and that it was okay to feel those things. I showed them through example that these were just feelings, and they would come and go, and they were nothing to hide or be frightened of. It was a natural part of processing the pain and grief, and I allowed them the same grace. They knew it was okay to be mad, to be sad, to show it to me, and that I would support them in it. That’s still taking the high road. Emotions are not bad, even powerful ones.

    What’s unhealthy is taking those emotions out on other people, or blaming other people for your own actions. I didn’t rage and cry, and then blame someone else for my strong emotions.

    No: “If your dad had done what he was supposed to do, none of this would be happening to us!”

    Yes: “I’m scared and really sad about losing our house. I wish we didn’t have to move, but it will be okay, and we will be together. I’m crying because it hurts.”

    No: “How could your dad be so horrible and treat us this way?!”

    Yes: “I’m really angry sometimes. I don’t like (situation X at hand). It’s okay if you feel angry, too. I will be here for you.”

    One way is a victim, one way is taking ownership of how you process hard things that happen. Obviously those are just boilerplate examples, but they’re what I always tried to do. Some days I succeeded better than others.

  31. Dana, speaking from personal experience, it absolutely can be done; my husband and I have done it for over a decade now. In my very limited experience, much depends on the strength of other areas of the marriage. Sometimes a spouse’s departure from belief is part of a larger departure from commitments in general, including commitments to family. If those basic commitments are being violated, the issue of marriage or divorce becomes an entirely different question. No one should feel obligated to stay in a marriage in which their spouse repeatedly violates the most basic kinds of trust.

    That said, if your spouse has lost faith in religious claims and practices but remains committed to you and your family, I would not cast that away lightly. As with any other area of difference that arises in a marriage, it can be very rough going for everyone involved for awhile, and there are often very personal losses to mourn–assumed shared commitments, images we all have in our minds of how our family religious practices would look, etc. But I’d borrow a page from the faith crisis/transition narrative. Once you learn something difficult about the church that you cannot unlearn, the answer isn’t to bury it, to read less or try somehow to unread what you have read, but to read more. In a sense, the answer in a marriage in which one spouse is undergoing a loss of faith is the same: as long as you can talk respectfully, talk more, communicate more, seek to understand better.

    I don’t know if that’s helpful to you or to anyone else, but I hope it’s helpful to someone. In many cases where one spouse loses faith, there’s every reason for hope.

  32. melodynew says:

    Thanks for your response, Tracy. Looks like we’re both saying the same thing after all.

  33. Thank you, ZD Eve. Those are wise words.
    melodynew, I agree.

  34. Great post. I don’t have any personal experience in it but I’ve seen the truth of what you say in other’s lives.

  35. Divorce does suck. Big time. Even when it’s something that is clearly not your fault that happens (and yes, I’m sorry. Those cases do in fact exist…) (I suppose one could prevent it by not marrying someone, but). But it definitely is very difficult and I appreciate you outlining some of the processes and difficulties and mourning that happens. Well done.

  36. First, I love this line from the post you linked to: “If any person feels that the Lord needs help dispensing pain or shame, they are missing the point of being a Saint and a disciple of the Lord.”

    Amen. My previous husband was broken, mentally then physically. Everyone tried to “support” men by “taking my side”, which for them meant vilifying my husband. I felt twice victimized, first by him, then be trying to defend him against others who presumed to know our truth from their outside perspective.

    Tracy, I don’t know your pain, but I know my own (http://zokwezo.blogspot.com/2012/05/diapers-and-bathtubs.html). Outsiders can’t know what it is like, and I don’t presume to.
    It does get better, and I do pity those who never know pain in their lives. They are living life in black and white. Divorce sucks, but never taking a chance is worse. You and I are blessed for daring to love, then surviving that love.

  37. Je@mama.com says:

    Ok, I’ve got a semi-related question. I seem to recall a talk given I believe in the priesthood session of conference, I believe in the early 90s, and I believe by president hinckley. In this talk, he spoke about divorce, and he spoke about the countless letters he had on file from men seeking to justify divorcing their wives by saying something thing to the effect of, “She’s not the same woman I married 20 years ago.” His response to the men was something like , “Your probably not as desirable as you were back then either.”

    Can anyone point me to the talk I’m remembering?? Does anyone else recall it?? As I said, I’m not positive on all the details, or even positive it was hinckley.

    Thanks.

  38. Jennifer in GA says:

    Like everything Tracy writes, I have learned from this. Thank you.

  39. Je@mama – Oct 1991, “Our Solemn Responsibilities”, End of the Priesthood session:

    “They complain that their wives do not look the same as they did twenty years ago when they married them. To which I say, Who would, after living with you for twenty years?”

    Good talk. Many hard words.

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