April Fools

This April Fool’s Day, I bring you a gift: a collection of a few of the more memorable comments some of our favorite trolls have left over the years. I swear I am not making these up. How many of these names do you remember?
First, cue the music!

1. From “Repent!”

Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and render unto GOD what is GODs. What in the world does that have to do with the tithe? Remember this one fact! The Lord speaks specific! He is the true truth! so when it comes down to it, let EVERY MAN be a LIE! and let GOD BE TRUE! So let’s only speak about things that we know (studied) and not what we’ve heard lest we lie and lead others astray. Back up everything with scripture and prove all things. I also believe that: Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s was referring to a literal tax imposed by Caesar. But render unto GOD what is GODs” is something that I believe Him to be saying: render the all of you to GOD, mind, body and soul in full service, day and night. The body of Christ is suffering because we are willingly ignorant. We will not study/read for ourselves. We rather be lazy and depend on a man/pastor/preacher instead of Jesus the one that saved us. Remember! Christ is the Head! everyone else is the body and that includes your pastors and bishops. They are merely your fellow servants. Everything that you want to know concerning TRUTH is all found in the WORD. If you want to know about the tithes, take time out and commune with the Lord in His Word and He with show you The Truth about the tithe, if you really want to know! The tenth/tithe is simply of a food source and has been given to a specific tribe of Israel, the Levites! Numbers 18. The tenths/tithes is not on a filthy buck but on FOOD! and I challenge anyone to find in scripture where the tenths have been changed from food to money by the Lord Himself or where is it written any where in the scriptures that the tenths/tithes have been transferred from the Levitical priesthood and given to a gentile minister/preacher/pastor/prophet/bishop. We are all priests in the body of Christ. Please don’t believe that lie that they did not have money back then because that is a huge lie, study it for yourself. This false tithe that men take today and it’s frequency is not found written anywhere in my Bible according to my 4 years of research. Can anyone tell me if they have received a poor tithe or did you even know that it existed? What about the festival tithe? this tithe was eaten before the Lord in the place that he would prescribe. We were all duped by following man/pastors with the book of Malachi, and it’s our own fault! All we had to do was to read the book of Malachi starting with chapter 1. The Lord clearly say’s who He is speaking to, and it is not us. He tells you plainly who is robbing him and what nation he is talking to, the scripture did not say the ENTIRE WORLD. He is speaking to a specific people in a specific nation, and if I may say the windows of Heaven is simply rain, and meat in MY house is simply food and the devourer is literary insects/bugs eating up the crops. So the question is! why are these ministers telling us this falsehood, it isn’t but two reasons why. They are unlearned and are following the traditions of men or they are doing this intentionally, either way they are wrong. If by tradition of men! then why are you telling people things that you know not about, or on the other hand, if done intentionally! it is our job to confront these wicked ministers and to expose them, or continue to sin with them. Remember! there is no mediator between GOD and man but JESUS alone, NOT any PASTOR or any man, they are just your fellow servant. Also why do we give to one man/pastor? The scripture says that he is to get his living from the Gospel NOT TO MAKE his living off the Gospel. Have we lost our minds! Why do we continue to give to one man and neglect our brother or sister sitting right next to us? Have you ever realized that you have to wait mystically, in faith, on your financial blessing! but the pastor gets his right off the top which takes no faith at all. So either the Lord loves a certain part of the body more than the other, or we have this thing all wrong. Listen, if I have anywhere from 3000-30,000 people that I have convinced to give me money every Sunday and Wednesday plus twice in one day! and some Monday’s! then guess what? I’m paid, and this does not include the unscriptural 10% tithe that they take/demand, that does not belong to them. Sorry, but for the most part the gathering should be for those that have a need, that the needs of the people might be met. We are all guilty of making one brother/pastor/fellow servant wealthy and left all others in the same body lacking, and then we actually believed that this foolishness was from the Lord, to boot! Why would we keep giving to one person that is obviously well supplied and fed. We knew to stop in our hearts when we seen the Mansions and Rolls Royce’s plus the benze’s. What part of this resembles Jesus, john the baptist, or any of the Apostles. We have over paid these pastors/members in the body of Christ and don’t even realize that we have done evil. This is not what took place in the early Church as per the book of Acts. They at least tried to meet the needs of the brethren that there would be no lack, and I don’t mean making one rich or excusing anyone from working a job. Let’s get one thing straight, these pastors, preachers, bishops, and alleged prophets are NOT Apostles. You all know full well that you can’t find any of the apostles or Christ himself asking for or receiving a tithe. How could they? When all of the tithes were given to the tribe of Levi, the Levitical priesthood by GOD for the work they do for serving at the meeting tent, and that’s within the boundaries of Israel. So let’s stop equating these gentile pastors and bishops to the tribe of Levite or The High Priest, in which JESUS CHRIST himself alone is now our High Priest and not any man. By the way, who told you as a gentile to pay a tithe? was it a man or the Lord? Before you answer, back up your answer with scripture and not with what a man told you. That would be putting man before God. To really know the truth about the tithe and any other partial or snippet of scripture that you think that you were taught by these alleged pastors, you would have to step away from the visible Church house and go directly to your source, The Word of God and ask the One that created you, saved you and The one that you plan on spending all of eternity with, and see if He will help you. Also the visible Church is not the Church nor the Temple, the people that make up the body of Christ is the true Church and our bodies are the temple, in fact any body in the body of Christ is the Church. Be not deceived! quite a bit of these ministers may have started off well, but have become overtaken by money or fame (egged on by the people) and their own ego. Remember! you cannot serve mammon and God. If you think that this can be accomplished by the majority of ministers, just see if they will sell all and give to the poor. OK, lets try this, how many people do you know personally that have been healed? 1 person 2 people? half of the people or all of the people? how many delivered? how many raised from the dead? or how many made wealthy among you? as if the gospel was delivered to us to make us wealthy. The scriptures say that the poor you have with you all way, so you see that we have a conflict! lot of these ministers say that you are suppose to be rich. So who’s lying here? We know it’s not The Word of God. We have fallen into all of this false teaching and twisting of scripture because we will not study! or in better words: commune with GOD through JESUS in His Word, The Bible. We have substituted getting to know our Husband The LORD by not studying, and have looked instead for brownie points by going out to a building that we call the Church every Sunday and Wednesday and saying within ourselves that this should be a credit to my account for getting into Heaven, knowing full well that we have not learned anything, but you can say that the Choir was nice! or things like! he sure did preach! He preached what? Do you mean that he was entertaining? because for the most part the saint that has been saved for any period of time have already heard this same message. We’ve heard the gospel preached, received the Gospel and are now saved. So why do you keep listening to the Gospel message again and again after you have believed and received. Shouldn’t we ought to be spreading the gospel after we have received it? Congregating is nice, but how is this developing your relationship to get closer and closer to the Lord? For the most part these ministers/pastors are not going to encourage you to move on in the Lord by insisting that you study to further prepare yourself for your own work in the Lord, because we are all in the body for a reason to do something. But why wouldn’t they tell you this? First you might learn and know more than they do, and second, they may have a fear of you leaving thus losing headcount, funds/money. We were never saved/called to follow a man to this degree. I have personally never met a true pastor. I’ve met a lot of preachers. A true pastor is a somewhat overseer and warns the people in hopes of not losing any brother or sister in Christ. So what is a mega Church? by the way this place we call the Church is actually a meeting place and it does not take a million dollar building, tents and folding chairs will do. But if you say you go to a “mega Church” then who is overseeing you properly? or if you have a “mega Church” how are you overseeing thousands? Also as a large side note, or pretty much a question, Please show me in scripture this message that these ministers are preaching about health wealth and prosperity or any of these raising-money a-thons. Where and when did Jesus or any of the Apostles carry this message? We fall into many hurtful things by not knowing the scriptures. Do you people realize how many times these pastors have sent their children to college on your money while you can’t send your own kids? and buy these huge homes with the people money while you can barely afford pay your rent and bills? or do you even care? Do you think that these people are more loved or special than you in the sight of THE LORD? really? Interestingly the Apostle Paul worked a job and provided for himself and if I’m correct I believe he said that he helped those around him. Although Paul received some help here and there, he also said that he rejected the people’s gold(money) and fine raiment. So are we saying that these pastors are above the Apostle Paul? Absolutely NOT! unless we have lost our minds completely. Have we? People! we are bordering on Idolatry by placing a man above Christ or on the same level as Christ. This is a grave error and should be stopped immediately! I believe that we have lost perspective. This way of thinking did not come from above. As for the entire body of Christ, let no man deceive you. Let no man take your crown nor give it to him. Let no man/pastor/bishop or alleged prophet tell you that you have nothing to say as a member in the body of Christ. Please remember that you were personally invited to the wedding feast by The One who saved you and not by man. You are very important in the body of Christ and let no man tell you otherwise. We should be willing to give all to GOD through JESUS. That is our heart, mind, and body. Please do not be afraid to point this out, speak up and expose any and everything that is not like GOD in accordance to the scriptures, no matter if they be a bishop or a pastor. Do these things internally. Keep JESUS first and endure till the end. Remember! in the world you will have trouble but in him you will have peace, but the Scripture did not say: in the world you will have trouble but in him you’ll be made wealthy. I found out the truth about the tithe and that there is no tithe under The New Covenant about 19 years after being saved and I did not receive it from a man directly. Also, lets not fall for the Abraham argument. Let’s not revert back! The last information that we were given concerning the tithe before the Old Covenant was closed off, is that! The latest and the last update that we have is that The Lord gave all of the tenths/tithe to that particular tribe of Israel, Levi, and there is no known scripture that reverts us back to pre-law, and even if the tithe was supposed to have preceded the Law, be it the Abraham or Jacob tithe, again! the latest and the last update that we have is that The Lord gave all of the tenths/tithe to the tribe of Levi and even if we were to revert back; to whom would we give them to? We would have to find Melchizedek, drum up some spoils of war, give the tenth part, and then give the 90th part back or 90% back, which would leave the tither with zero. None of these ministers/preachers/pastors/bishops/alleged prophets are Melchizedek nor a High Priest. As a side note: I have heard some of the Melchizedek Shem debate. Please read! Please read! Please study for yourselves and repent.

Your fellow servant in Christ

2. From Jason Wharton:

Before I leave entirely I thought I would do more research on what the blogging thing is all about since I have not participated in a blog before. In researching this particilar site, here is what I found:

“We seek truth, reason, and honesty with our perspectives on faith. … BCC is a place of charitable discussion for everyone…”

This is a claim that my efforts here to share my perspective of truth, etc., as an active and faithful Latter-day Saint would be handled in a charitable manner.

This is a commitment that the spirit of Nicodemus would be a governing spirit here. Even though Jesus posed a very significant challenge to him and his brethren, Nicodemus put truth and honesty above all else and patiently received and tried to understand the difficult things that Jesus had to tell him. This spirit is the same spirit that Moroni advocates all seekers of truth should employ and that this spirit is indeed the Holy Spirit that leads a person to know the truth of all things.

It is this Spirit that a person must have in order to abide the presence of God (all truth). If anyone comes into the presence of God and they do not have this Holy Spirit (of meekness), they will not be able to abide His Presence and inherit the earth with Him when He comes. Eternal Life is only for those few. As Jeffrey R. Holland warned, the hearts of men shall fail them. As Jacob teaches in chapter 6, a failed heart is spiritual death “Yea, today, if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts, for why will ye die?”.

We are at a time when the King-Messiah from the House of Joseph (the Branch) is due among us at any time to redeem Zion and usher in the Kingdom of God in its full glory. (See D&C 113) This time around Messiah is here to attain victory and all of His foes will meet their demise by the wrath of God being poured out upon them. The Stem was “stumped” and the Rod was “broken” but the Branch will obtain victory. Those who will not hear this prophet shall be “cut off”. His bow shall be made strong by the mighty One of Israel to defeat all his foes.

I plan to be on the side of meekness (which should not be confused with weakness) in hearing out all and conforming to what is actually written in the oracles of God that my attention is drawn to so that I will for sure see and recognize Him when he comes. In turn, I also advocate all Saints doing likewise. Eternal Life is right on our doorsteps if we prove faithful when He comes. The most trying and difficult times are here to prove out who is truly worthy of Eternal Life with God. It’s not a walk in the park where light-mindedness is going to serve you well.

Nicodemus could abide the presence of God because of his meekness and sobriety. But, most could not abide His presence and accused him of being filled with the spirit of Beezelbub instead. This same spirit ultimately led them to crucify Him rather than be saved by Him. This site purports to function with the Holy Spirit governing its affairs, but my experience has proven quite the contrary. What I have experienced here is the very spirit that crucifies truth. All those who participated in this who are Elders or High-Priests are headed to Perdition if they do not cast out that spirit and receive the spirit of meekness in its place. Only in this manner can they remove their veil of unbelief and blindness from the precepts of men.

If this blog started out with charity, it seems it has now morphed into an animal with a very different spirit. Rather than my challenge being received with the spirit of Nicodemus who truly tried to understand the Savior despite how sorely he was challenged by Him, the spirit of the people congregated here are more akin to the covenant people to whom Samuel the Lamanite delivered a much needed chastisement. He was met with arrows zinging past his head. All of their arrows missing Samuel is a representation of how all of the verbal arrows hurled at me here in this blog were met with imperviousness as John C. very aptly pointed out. I’m 100% certain Abinadi was viewed as a troll too. He even went to the extent of using costumes and disguise to get back in the door and go another round to try and save that wicked and fallen people. Fortunately there was Alma who heard his words before he was cruely burned to death by that wicked people.

There was even a period of time that men inspired of God to testify to the people of their wickedness and blindness were privily being “taken out” by those who had been judges and high priests. That same spirit is here to a very alarming degree. It is much less of a stretch than most people realize to go from verbal arrows to physical arrows. This blog is on a trajectory to treachery.

It appears the policy here considers brazen rudeness, false impersonation, insulting, etc. to be “necessary evils” of “troll management”. Those who perform this “service” are allowed to continue with impunity while those such as myself who genuinely wish to contribute in a respectfully challenging manner are “taken out” by them. Where is the charity in that policy? There is none! This is an abomination with strange bedfellows to supposedly meet a “righteous purpose”.

Thus, due to this blatent hypocrisy, if the administration of this site does not bring about correction, starting with a post to this thread responding to this post vindicating it and rededicating this entire blog to conform to their stated purpose and method, then upon my departure I shall remove the dust of my feet even as Alma and Amulek did with regard to the people of Ammonihah.

This post must remain public until I consent to its removal. To remove it will be considered by me as the administration undertaking to cover their hypocrisy. They may save face to the outside world but my “dusting off the feet” shall rest upon them and they will in time, just like King Noah and just like the people of Ammonihah, reap their reward.

3. From Languatron:

You want to talk about poop?

4. From Ricardo:

You can call my question stupid all you want, but still, nobody has answered it.

Is it okay for two Elders to have dinner with a 21 year old woman?

Can we all at least agree the answer to that question is NO?

And if not, at what age (of the woman) DOES it become appropriate?

Sex with random strangers? Really? Jumping to patently absurd examples and scenarios does nothing to help the discussion.

The church standard on this topic (for missionaries, per the white handbook) CLEARLY is “no association with members of the opposite sex.” To all the people who are saying this is a stupid rule, here’s a challenge: Write a better rule. I’m all ears.

5. From Aloysius:

Hey I am on permanent moderation but if you are leaving out youth you are missing a big facebook opportunity. When youth ask you to be their friend they are saying that they will keep their facebook involvement adult.If you tire of their posts you can hie them but they won’t know it and you can always look at their wall.

I do agree that younger than 16 doesn’t need a facebook account.

6. From Karter:

If I was the bishop, I would sit them down, gaze into their eyes, and ask them “When was the last time you masturbated and looked at porn, Brother S?”

I find that if I let the silence just hang there, I usually get a nice, full confession

7. From Steve EM:

I believe T&S is the only site that currently bans me. Prima facia evidence of pretentiousness, n’est-ce pas?

8. From LiberalSlayer:

I really feel for the designers of BCC.
In spite of all of their hard work, Mormons are still following the Mormon prophet, and not the mutinous BCC bloggers.

9. From Meldrum the Less:

It has come to my attention that my late husband participated on your blog as a character known as Meldrum the Less. It is with deepest regret that I write to inform you that my husband had a massive heart attack and died shortly after reaching the hospital. He was loved and appreciated by many and will be missed. He had an unusual perspective and sense of humor and he was not always understood or appreciated. Aside from scouting, he especially enjoyed his discussions with y’all more than a just about anything else. My last memory of him was making the EMT’s laugh in a terribly frightening and painful situation. His singing (badly) the hymn, “Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me” as they whisked him away in the ambulance. Thank you for your association with him.

10. From Jim Cobabe:

Steve, “banning” people who disagree with you is an interesting way to deal with conflict, don’t you think? Sorta like the the Islamist approach to “celebrating diversity” – lovingly hack of their heads.

Anyway, go ahead and put me on your black list again if it pleases you. I’m just here to play.

Ahhhh, the memories. Thanks to all the nutsos and jerkfaces that make the Bloggernacle go round.

Comments

  1. I need to step up my troll game.

  2. We all do.

  3. rameumptom says:

    Steve, was that the best you could find? I think BCC needs to set a goal to try harder to attract more and better fools in 2014.
    BTW, your fly is unzipped….

  4. Ram, I did what I could with the time I had.

  5. Queuno, there really have been some giants of trollery. I feel blessed.

  6. Jason K. says:

    5 points to anyone who can give the tl;dr on that first one.

  7. Jason K. says:

    And 10 points to the first perma who, posting anonymously, trolls this post so outrageously as to get banned.

  8. Jötunn says:

    Steve, always so tasteful and appropriate. What a guy. :-)

  9. You’re not fooling anyone, Jason.

  10. Holey moley, I do not remember that Repent guy. However, I do remember Steve EM. What a trip! And I remember how proud I was of myself for figuring out what FSF stood for and what EM stood for just from reading his comments.

  11. john f. says:

    That REALLY does not represent the greatness that was Languatron.

  12. Jason K. says:

    Darn. I guess the umlaut gave it away…

  13. Tl;dr for the first troll:
    Don’t pay tithing. Its a mosaic law that was ended with Christ. Its used to fatten mega-churches and wealth-pastors. Seek Christ and live. Following man, even a preacher man death. Trust me instead because I’ve studied it out. Why did I post all this on a Mormon blog? Who cares. Jesus is Lord. *mix drop*

  14. Not cool to make fun of schizophrenics, SE. Just sayin’ …

  15. Jason Wharton’s memoirs: “I, Abinadi”

  16. Jason K. says:

    ldsprimaryguy: thanks. As for the points: April Fool’s, sucka!

  17. Mark Brown says:

    Hey! I want full credit for Making Wharton dust off his feet!

  18. Number 8 is like a poem. Sublime.

  19. Whosoever shall say, Thou troll, shall be in danger of hell fire.

  20. Jason K. says:

    Troll haiku:

    Yes, I read the post.
    Why don’t you just leave the Church?
    Ban me now, Evans.

  21. tl;dr lol

  22. no seasonal reference, JAK

  23. sctaysom says:

    I assume that by “nice, full confession,” he meant “a punch in the face”

  24. BHodges says:

    In case anyone’s wondering, the tithing repentance comment runs to 2,443 words—about 7 printed book pages of paragraphless rant.

  25. I’m grateful for the rant calling Aaron R. to repentance for his tithing musings.

    It’s a little dense but if you look deep into the body of that block of text, you’ll find this, which cleared it all up for me:

    “When all of the tithes were given to the tribe of Levi, the Levitical priesthood by GOD for the work they do for serving at the meeting tent, and that’s within the boundaries of Israel.”

  26. Dog Dreams says:

    An “abomination with strange bedfellows”–no wonder I like it here.

  27. That was a LOT of scrolling.

  28. Jason K. says:

    Ok, John F., if you insist:

    Apostasy’s weeds
    Sprout in Bloggernacle spring.
    Watch Conf’rence instead.

  29. thank you

  30. Jason K. says:

    Beware come autumn
    what was dung’d with BCC’s
    apostate manure.

  31. Chinese cookie say: You will soon receive good fortune—next time.

  32. I take it that Steve and I will no longer be exchanging secret Valentines. Crestfallen.

  33. Perhaps lurking somewhere on the internet in the Mormon equivalent of the postmodernism generator.

    http://www.elsewhere.org/pomo/

    Consider for a moment that “Repent!” was Joseph Smith’s son David Hyrum Smith writing from the Northern Illinois Hospital and Asylum for the Insane. Would we post it in public? And would we choose to ridicule it?

  34. Jeff, the answers are solidly “yes” and “yes”.

  35. I feel like gst saying this, but what is tl;dr?

  36. Hedgehog says:

    Can I take it then, that Meldrum the Less is actually alive and kicking, otherwise rather poor taste? I guess I must also take it that I’m in a minority in generally enjoying his observations?

  37. Jason K. says:

    Bill: “too long; didn’t read”

    Hedgehog: the comment from Meldrum appeared as you see it in the moderation queue. No foolin’. We looked into the matter, and he does seem to still be alive. FWIW, my interactions with him were generally positive, although he was in the moderation queue for a reason, as the above comment shows.

  38. Where is Lars Glenson in all of this?

  39. Rather than a haiku, a limerick would be better.

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