One time, many months ago, Steve and I tried to start a recurring feature in which we post the unrehearsed, unplanned, and (basically) unedited transcripts of our IM conversations that deal with the weightiest of matters. It didn’t go over so well, and everyone got super mad and that was a darn shame, because it was an amazing post and I’m not remotely bitter about it nope not at all. Anyway, we are going to give it another whirl today with a topic no less divisive than last time: Deep Fried Foods. If you’re interested in seeing what spurred this conversation into existence, go here.
Scott: Gotta say, the whole deep-fried fair food thing just puzzles me. I think it’s all gross. Like even when people are showing “the greatest” fried stuff at fairs, none of it is appealing to me.
Steve: I like fried foods. Those little donuts.
Scott: Me too–but not fried for the sake of frying. Like, I think a decent corndog is great.
Scott: But they go so over the top that the result isn’t a corndog anymore–it’s 6 lbs of batter with a gargantuan sausage in the middle, and leaves you sick.
Steve: fried foods, ranked:
- Corn Dogs
Scott: bro. bro. bro.
Steve: 4. Fried Ice Cream.
Fried chicken is between 2 and 3.
- 2.5 Chicken
Scott: Fried Chicken is the King of Fried Food. Frying oil was invented specifically so that people to fry chicken. all other fried foods are footnotes.
Steve: Fries > Fried Chicken
Scott: All I can say is that you must have eaten some terrible fried chicken.
Steve: I don’t always want fried chicken, but I love fries.
Scott: I guess I don’t even think that fries should count.
Steve: IT’S THEIR NAME
Scott: Right–that’s sort of the problem. They are synonymous with frying–there’s no other way to make fries. Like potato chips. Potato chips are out, too.
Steve: Whereas, there are lots of ways to make fried chicken? That’s just dumb. Oven-roasted rosemary potatoes
Scott: No, a french fry is also a shape designation.
Steve: You’re just wrong. There is also no other way to make any fried food. That’s what puts them in this category.
Scott: No one french-cuts their potatoes and then roasts them with rosemary.
Steve: Yes, they do.
Scott: You know who does? Jerkholes, Steve.
Steve: Drizzle with olive oil and salt, into the oven. Very common.
Scott: Here’s what I’m saying:
Steve: I’ve been waiting to hear what you’re saying. WAITING
Scott: If you go to a fair, and go to the big booth of amazing fried foods, and see the platter with the big chrome lid over it, and watch the big crowd giddy in anticipation at devouring whatever deliciousness is underneath that lid….when it’s lifted up and it’s a plate of fries, everyone will be ticked. And they’ll be like, “WTF? French fries?”
Steve: just because they’re ubiquitous does not put them outside the category.
Scott: Yes it does. It’s like ranking drinks, and saying WATER BRO!
Steve: You’re making an argument towards category adjustment, not towards exclusion of fries.
Scott: Hold on–i’m polling my coworkers.
Steve: Yes, that should settle the issue. BTW, hawkgrrrl says fries are in.
Scott: Of the 5 immediately available, 1 says “Out”–no way is it included, and the other 4 say they are persuaded by both of our arguments. The one who says “out” says, “A ranking of the ‘Best Fried Foods’ is implicitly not about ‘accompanying starches’ like french fries.” It’s about entrees and/or desserts.
Steve: Tell that man to suck it. I’m out (I have to go to the airport).
Scott: Just pinged Burneko on the issue.
Steve: oh I’m sure your formulation was objective.
Scott: “@AlbertBurneko settle a dispute? Can a list of the “Best Deep Fried Foods” include french fries or do they violate the implied intent?”
(Waiting for Steve to return…)
Scott: Okay, so Burneko says that he think french fries “kind of have to be included.” But what he suggests is this: Why not define the list as breaded/battered and fried. At first I thought that was a good solution…but that would technically exclude all pastries. So no fritters. WHICH IS BS
Steve: See, there you go. Except fries also have batter.
Scott: Only in the technicalitiest of technicalty-ways
Steve: I think we can agree that bear claws rule. Though I am unclear as to the difference between bear claws and apple fritters
Scott: Yes, unless they’re 3-days old and eaten cold in a hotel room
Scott: Don’t you mean “Sir”?
Steve: I was slurring the word “sure”
Scott: You’re drunk on arrogance over your narrow victory in the french fry argument.
Steve: Surrr, occifer, I haven’t been dranking.
How about this – fried foods not available from fast food restaurants. It excludes chicken but also fries.
Scott: Corndogs are out, too, then. #LISTFAIL
Steve: True. I guess I just like fries. More than fried chicken. That said, there are a few fried chicken places I love.
Scott: Like, for example, my house, if you ever came over for dinner. I made fried chicken for my coworkers a few weeks ago.
Steve: You have the weirdest workplace.
We should post this conversation.
Scott: Yes, it is worthy. I also desperately need a chocolate chip cookie.
Steve: I lurve a good chocolate chip cookie. My new neighbors make great cookies. They brought over chocolate chip cookies and snickerdoodles. Both were perfect. This truly is Zion.
Scott: Isn’t a Snickerdoodle just a sugar cookie with cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on top? Or is there more to it than that?
Steve: Roughly, yeah. But they’re a little chewy.
Scott: My mom made those often when I was a kid, and I thought they were fine, but vastly inferior to the chocolate chip.
Steve: Ok, apparently I need to go to airplane mode now. I expect this conversation to be posted before I land. Go Badgers!
 If you don’t know what this referring to, and would like to see what caused such a firestorm, TOUGH LUCK! Take it up with the people who got mad and threw a fit.