WWJP?

The only aspect of this post I can take credit for is providing the photo which catalyzed a side-splitting bit of fun in the BCC permas (current and emeritus) Facebook group today.

Stake Prez Reserved Parking

I snapped this on my way into Sacrament meeting this morning. It was only my fourth week attending my new ward and the first time in my life I’ve ever seen reserved stake presidency parking. I shared the image, asked “Is this a thing?”, noted that the stake Relief Society presidency’s reserved spots were conspicuously absent, and then the fun began.

First came the bribes. Cynthia offered me $20 and maybe even some jam to sneak over in the dead of night and stencil the RS spots in myself. Kyle pledged another $5. Tempting! But then Angela opined that this was a “Scout project gone wild” causing Cynthia to revoke her bribe and rally for the Activity Days girls to make a project out of stenciling the Relief Society spaces instead.

But things went to a whole new level when Sunny jumped into the fray. Running with the oft-repeated notion that all church members are equally important, from a nursery leader all the way up to the prophet, she flooded the thread with genius suggestions of alternative stenciled parking space ideas. It was a beautiful thing to behold; more inspired than anything I heard in church. We were in awe. Crowd favorites of hers include:

Front Row Family

Former Bishop

Visiting Authority

Pioneer Stock

Pays on the Gross

Modesty Police

Extended Family of General Authority

Self-appointed Greeter

New Convert (valid only two Sundays after baptism, after which you will be assigned a numbered space)

Investigator

MoTab Hopeful

Totally Should Have Been EQP

Modestly Hot

Ward Basketball MVP

Possesses Library Key

Romney Campaign Contributor

Year Supply

Two Year Supply

Calling Magnifier

Totally Quit the Porn

All Kids Married in the Temple

ZL in First Area

Never Felt Unequal

Tastiest Sacrament Bread

Totally In With All the Youth

DoTerra Rep of the Month

Top Name Extractor

 

This is a sample, people, A SAMPLE. Her genius was contagious. Contributions from others:

 

The Least of These (Jacob Baker)

Consistent Sunday School Conversation Derailer (Ben Park)

Newest Priest (Emily Jensen — you can thank her for the title of this post, too)

Token Minority (Sam Brunson)

Eagle Scout Mom “but not YW medallion mom” (Mark Brown)

War in Heaven General (BHodges)

And perhaps my favorite comment of them all: “Reserve one for Elijah, too.” (Jeremy G.)

 

Permas, which favorites did I miss? Everyone else, any suggestions of your own?

 

Comments

  1. John Mc says:

    Testimony travelogue sister.

  2. Funny stuff!

  3. It doesnt what 1st councillor – may be relief soc councillor.One only assumes Stake presidency councillor because of its proximity to the Stake presidents.

  4. JeannineL says:

    PLEASE tell me the jam bribe would get you to put “Elijah” on a space. Also, we’ll need photographic evidence. Perhaps if you held a copy of the most current Ensign next to the paint job.

  5. Non Masturbator

    Hymn Tempo Enforcer

    Couple that Wears Garments During Sex

    Mormon Blog Comment Reader

  6. gjmartinelli says:

    Regularly censured by the Bishop

  7. JessAnne says:

    True Mormons park on the street, they don’t even bother with the parking lot.

  8. Angela C says:

    No “Jesus” spot connotes a lack of faith.

  9. N. W. Clerk says:

    Our stake president and his counselors arrive at the stake center on Sunday a little before 6 a.m. and go home around 5 p.m. on average. Consequently, they have their pick of parking spaces without needing a reservation.

  10. False Doctrine Spreading Elderly Person

  11. My wife suggests these:

    Loves exclamation points!

    Person who wasn’t able to make it last week but made it this week.

    Best centerpiece

    The hands that prepared the food

  12. geoffsn’s wife, I laughed until I cried over your second suggestion.

  13. Jonny J says:

    Fasts for 4 meals, no cheating.

  14. The Other Clark says:

    I would totally stencil a title on every curb in the lot. And I’d put “Nursery Leader” right next to “Stake Pres” since Elder Oaks says they’re equal.

  15. Three Nephite Only

  16. Sooo? Is this a thing? I’ve never seen it. (And never want to see it again.)

  17. Strengthening Church Members Committee Rep

  18. Thokozile says:

    Enough children to fill a 12 passenger van
    Can trace genealogy back to Adam
    Resident Exhorter

  19. Stake OW Rep
    FHM Perma
    Prophetess
    5th Wife
    Aspiring Mission President
    Visiting Area Authority

    Just for my current building with a tiny mother’s room, but several men who regularly harass nursing mothers:
    Three spots marked off with crime scene tape, with Nursing Mother’s Area stencil on the ground, a roof over head and a bunch of rocking chairs. It should be as far away as possible from the YM and EQ rooms, so they can pretend that breaststroke have no biological function. Or maybe it should be as close as possible.

  20. These guys clearly don’t know the Unwritten Order – 1st counsellor should be on the right.

  21. Does that say 1st Coon? Cartman?

  22. 2 cow wife
    4 cow wife
    8 cow wife
    (all next to each other)

  23. Sweet Spirit
    Always talking about his mission
    Not So High Councilor
    Bears testimony without crying
    Cries without bearing testimony

  24. Facebook Narc

  25. - Champion Indexer
    – Facilities Manager
    – Ordained Bishop
    – High Councillor in Charge of Missionary Work

  26. cans over 90 quarts of peaches yearly

  27. assistant hymn book coordinator

  28. Reader Rachel says:

    If anyone needs reserved spots, it’s the Family Who, Despite Living Two Blocks From The Building, Can Never Make It To Sacrament Meeting On Time.

  29. Bitter Single Sister
    Funeral dirge accompanist
    Largest family

  30. jennyinnc says:

    any parking spot having to do with relief society should be done in vinyl lettering.

  31. MarkinPNW says:

    Nehor

    (Since Nehor was the purveyor of the “Honor your Leaders” heresey in the Book of Mormon.)

  32. I guess there’s no need for a space for the person who harm or accident befell. Except for at funerals.

  33. Also, following Tracy: Assistant *to* the hymnbook coordinator

  34. John Mc says:

    A bunch that I posted on FB:

    Summer security salesman RM.
    The one Brother who can read music and sing parts.
    Elders Quorum Fantasy Football commissioner.
    Scripture Chase Champion.
    Cumorah/Nauvoo pageant extra.

    Another one I came up with:

    Literal Descendant of Aaron

  35. Observer says:

    Zelph
    Cain
    Onandagus

  36. So, I think if this Stake President and Counselors get a parking place their wives should get one, too. After all, they can’t arrive and leave in one car, they need two or more. (Cars not wives.)
    I have often wondered how close we are to getting names engraved on pews. I thought we might be getting closer, then I realized that this is about remembering who is in charge inside and outside of the church building. These high profile callings now privilege them to special parking places but we all know where they sit–front and center of every meeting. I just hope my Idaho leaders don’t catch wind of this.
    Maybe the bigger service to these leaders would be to white-wash away their privileged spaces for them. I wonder if they would paint them back on.

  37. I’m in favor of reserved parking spots, but only if they use the initials from the Kirtland temple pulpits, with Aaronic presidencies parking on the west side of the parking lot and Melchizedek on the east. (Since deacons and teachers are usually too young to drive, their reserved spots can be outfitted with bike racks.)

  38. Bishop Emeritus
    2nd Counselor, Sunday School Presidency (This one will always be vacant)
    And, paint over Stake President with “Future Nursery Leader.”

  39. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Wonder if you would get towed for parking in their spot. You’re probably safe on Sunday, because calling the tow truck would be breaking the Sabbath.

  40. How about a space reserved for Jon McNaughton? He’s far too busy to visit every corner of Zion, but we can always hope.

  41. Religious Conspiracy Theorist
    Sister Scriptorian
    Overflow Chair Setter-Upper
    Baptism Witness

  42. James, perhaps the painters assumed the presidency would back into their designated spots so that the front of the vehicle faced out. This would put the 1st counselor on the right, 2nd on the left, and assure all who parked in the lot which mini-van had the authority to lead.

  43. First (through Fourth) Horseman
    Cometh Speedily (for whomever gets to church first–comes with bragging rights)
    At Least You’re Clean (for someone who is late to church because they were literally or figuratively showering)

  44. Killing me, you guys. Turtle Named Mack: We very nearly found out what happens. We only noticed the stencil because my husband unknowingly pulled into that space. When I told him “You can’t park here, apparently it’s reserved for the SP” he thought I was joking. I halfway expected him to back out, confirm that I was telling the truth, then pull right back in.

  45. The One Mighty and Strong

  46. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    If I read section 20 correctly, parking enforcement is a duty of the deacons. They hold the keys of letting the air out of your tires.

  47. Mother in Israel, New Tribe

  48. There should always be an empty parking spot left waiting for Elijah…

  49. The feminists get the back corner spots – because they’re more likely to be wearing pants and practical shoes in inclement weather

    Widow Carpool Spot

    Chorister get’s the one closest to Primary Room Door

  50. Sunstone Saint (temporary parking only)
    Fledgling (home from college for weekend/Christmas/summer)
    Paul H. Dunn War Buddy
    Quiver Full (for extended length minivans)
    “A” Permit (they know who they are. Will probably be empty for 2 weeks in July)
    Cafeteria Section (should contain parking spaces of various sizes)
    Salon Section (for those currently being groomed for Greater Things)
    Old Testament Scholar (beware of swirling vortex directly overhead)

  51. Menace to Society

  52. Skousen Crank

  53. Observer says:

    Willie Martin Handcart Co. Descendant
    MTC Barber
    White and Delightsome

  54. This is a prank that must be accomplished. I need this to happen.

  55. I’ve only seen reserved parking for the stake presidency in one place, Colorado Springs, Colorado. I hope that is the only place where it exists, and hope it soon ends there. I don’t mind reserved parking at the temple for the temple presidency, and I don’t mind reserved parking at church headquarters for the First Presidency, but I have a hard time stretching to a stake presidency. If I’m ever on a high council in such a place, maybe I’ll ask the question.

  56. Steve G. says:

    Paint is going to get thick on this one:

    Additional Relief Society Enrichment, Home Family Personal Enrichment, Homemaking Meeting committee chair.

    My Bishop calls this ARM Committee for short. I keep thinking we have an adjustable rate mortgage committee every time I hear it. cringe.

  57. -Sacrament Prayer:First Time Every Time
    -The One The Bishop Wishes Would Go Inactive
    -Stripling Warrior
    -Best RS Centerpieces
    -Pot Luck Champ
    -Pearl Caster
    -Swine
    -As The Armies Of Helaman
    -Feels Sad For “Those Women” (frown smile)
    -One Of “Those Women”
    -Saved Seats During Saturday Building Clean
    -Sweet Spirit
    -Easily Offended
    -Learned More Preparing For Talk/Lesson
    -Needs Ward To Bear With Him/Her
    -Just Wrote Talk This Morning
    -Just remembered Talk Assignment Last Night
    -Will Remind Ward Not To Answer When Bro._____ Shows Up On Caller ID

  58. Steve G. says:

    Sacrament meeting only attendees

  59. Would Be Remiss/Ungrateful Not Bearing Testimony

  60. Wasn’t Going To Cry

  61. it's a series of tubes says:

    Jessie – would you be willing to comment as to where (roughly) in the valley your stake lies? Just curious to see if any of my folk beliefs have a bearing in fact :)

  62. Isn’t it bad enough they get to nap in the best seats in the chapel during Sacrament Meeting?

  63. Reminds me of a scripture:

    Luke 11:43 – “Woe unto you, stake presidents and counselors! for ye love the only padded seats in the chapel, and the best parking in the lot.”

    That might not be an exact quote, but I think it’s something like that.

    =)

  64. I’m in Chandler, series of tubes.

  65. MORMONBLOGSTALKER says:

    Inspired by Sunny to break regular anonymity:
    -WORE PANTS
    -CHURCH LADDER-CLIMBER
    -THE PRODIGAL SON
    -STRIPLING WARRIOR
    -CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN
    -ADOPTED 3 CHILDREN
    -CHILD IS LGBT
    -SEMI-ACTIVE (SOMEWHERE INCONSPICUOUS)
    -COMPLETED THE BISHOPS SCRIPTURE CHALLENGE
    -TOO OLD FOR SINGLES WARD
    -RETURNED EARLY FROM MISSION: MEDICAL REASONS
    -SACRAMENT PRAYER: FIRST TIME EVERY TIME
    -MORMON CELEBRITY (CLOSE)
    -RELATED TO A MORMON CELEBRITY (CLOSER)
    -RELATED TO AN OSMOND (CLOSEST)
    -HOMESCHOOL
    -CHARTER, MAGNET, PRIVATE. ANYTHING BUT TRADITIONAL SCHOOL
    -CONTRIBUTES TO BCC
    -ANONYMOUS FOLLOWER OF BCC (OR WORSE-THE EXPONENT)
    -CONTRIBUTED TO PROP 8
    -ROADSHOW DIRECTOR
    -TATTOOED MORMON
    -A SPECIAL SPOT FOR WAFFLELOVE
    -REGULAR WARD TEMPLE NIGHT ATTENDEE
    -And the always empty parking spot for – The Offended

  66. Webster definer (need about 100 slots)
    Family history center squatters
    Dry councilmen
    Tin Ear with Perfect Ward Choir Attendance
    Animated Scripture Video salesman
    Essential Oil Cures Diabetes and Autism Salesman
    Current Mormon Mommy War Winner(s)
    Rogue Man with Beard
    Quotes Oprah when bearing testimony
    General Conference Bingo Winner
    Relatives of General Authorities (VIP slots)
    Reserved: The person who most recently quoted a scripture from ‘Song of Solomon’ in church

  67. Recovering from breast augmentation

  68. it's a series of tubes says:

    Thanks Jessie. My stake is not too far from yours, but yours is closer to Gilbert. As we all know, a special wormhole connects Gilbert and Utah, transporting cultural baggage… :)

  69. Youth of a Noble Birthright
    Elect Who Has Been Decieved
    Noble and Great One

  70. Believer in the prosperity gospel (This would be labeled “Tender Mercedes of the Lord”)

  71. Talks in a Really Spiritual Voice
    Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
    Laurel President

  72. wreddyornot says:

    Always Welcome Visitor

  73. “Whoever cleaned the church yesterday” parking spots only. They will all sit empty because our family was the only one who showed up….again. I’m not bitter…..

    Steve Evans–what are the 3 Nephites driving? Is John the Beloved hitchhiking? Or does he disapparate?

  74. I imagine that the Three Nephites are driving a really cool Citroen.

  75. Arrived at This Destination in Peace and Safety

  76. Thankful For Moisture

  77. Ward Democrat

  78. Kristine says:

    Ziff, I hope you’re allowed to include your own comments in your funniest comments of the year post.

  79. 100% Home Teacher.

    Why did that one take this long? ;)

  80. Weird Prepper Guy
    Guy who carries non-correlated books to church along with the scriptures
    Guy who gets around the no politics in church rule by constantly talking about how much his “friend” was inspired by Mitt Romney
    Person who keeps their spouse from being called to leadership positions
    Bowtie guy
    Fashionista

  81. Family of Perpetually Crying Children
    Older Couples who Complain about Perpetually Crying Children (near the door)
    Ph.D. in Scriptural Studies
    Almost Got His Ph.D. in Scriptural Studies
    Thinks He Should Receive an Honorary Ph.D. in Scriptural Studies
    Zumba Moms (near Cultural Hall)

  82. Nourished and Strengthened
    Loves their Mom and Dad
    Fiber-of-Being Epistemologist
    Family Stick Figure Decal Car

  83. RunRunRun says:

    SHHHH!
    Tender Mercies Recipient
    Builder of the Nation
    Keeper of the wifi password

  84. David Caffee says:

    There was a recent ranking of the top ten snobbiest towns in the US. It caught my attention because the town where I grew up ( Bethesda, MD) and the town where I own a business(Rockville ,MD )
    Both made the top 10. I hardly feel worthy of the honor.
    Just wondering if we could put together
    a top ten list of snobbiest wards( or stakes ) in the church.

  85. Multi Level Marker
    Securities Fraudste

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