What Happens When Prison Is Over?

A few years ago, a Welsh professional footballer playing for Sheffield United FC in England was having a banner year. In addition to scoring goals by the truckload, he also represented his country on the Welsh national team and was named to the League’s Team of the Year. How good he was, or could have been, is unclear–lots of players are stars in lower divisions but fail to transition successfully to more competitive leagues.[1] Still, his standout performance was naturally attracting some attention from clubs in higher divisions of English football, including the top tier Premier League. Even if that interest never materialized, he was still a professional footballer, was making decent money, and could have maintained that level of income for a number of years–perhaps more than a decade, barring injuries.

Then, just before the end of the season, he was arrested on charges of rape, found guilty at trial by a jury, and sent to prison.
[Read more...]

Scary Mormon Halloween Costumes, Ranked

It’s Halloween week (though perhaps you already celebrated with a ToT), so Steve and I figured that it would only be appropriate to have a super-spooky ranking! This is some scary stuff!

CTR Pumpkin
As always, these rankings are authoritative.
[Read more...]

If You Like Trunk-or-Treats You Probably Don’t Have a Testimony

Holy crap Trunk-or-Treats are the worst things in the world and if you believe Trunk-or-Treats are consistent with the Gospel, you are wrong.

E.T. Trick or Treating

What is the point of a Trunk-or-Treat, anyway? When I was a kid and this societal cancer first reached my awareness, I understood that it was born of concern about poisoned candies and apples with razor blades and other dangerous crap that Big Mom was worried about. It probably got its start from the movie E.T., when that punk Elliot didn’t come home on time and Gertie was going on and on to the police officer about her dad being in Mexico with his lover. Halloween + Adultery + Space Aliens = NO MORE TRICK OR TREATING. So, instead of sending the kids out on the streets at night like rational human beings, we line everyone up in a parking lot and distribute candy like it’s freaking Hamsterdam. [Read more...]

Book of Mormon Weaponry, Ranked

It’s been a couple of weeks since we ranked something, and due to some pervasive accusations of shark-jumping, Steve and I put in the overtime for this list. We all know that the Book of Mormon is a treasure-trove of spiritual food and nourishment, but to the careful reader, it is also home to some amazing guns.

BoM Weaponry
As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more...]

Conferences, Ranked

Would it have made more sense to post this ranking last week, before GC? Yeah, it probably would have.

October 2012 GC
As always, these rankings are authoritative.
[Read more...]

Saturday AM: UTAH STATE HEY AGGIES ALL THE WAY Thread

And lo, the Aggies did crush the Coogers, and it was gray and navy and delightsome and if you disagree with me then good luck trying to get your comments in on this thread!

We’re about an hour or so from the start of the session, so feel free to comment on your cereal, your clothing, your key words and candy rewards, or whatever else you’d like until the top of the hour when I’m going to turn on the filter a bit. As for me and my house, we will serve the pancakes.

And we’re underway! [Read more...]

Church Movie Supporting Characters, Ranked

When our co-blogger John F. suggested that our last ranking had jumped the shark, he not only lost our respect and friendship, but he also unwittingly inspired our hearts and minds by directing Steve and me toward the many great acting performances in Mormon cinema. This week, we give much-overdue praise to some of the lesser-recognized latter-day thespians.

Crow
As always, these rankings are authoritative.
[Read more...]

Late Church Is the Honest-to-Goodness Worst Thing On Earth

We share a building with like 19 other wards, so every third year we have church meetings that don’t kick off until 1pm. It’s the worst thing in the world, by several yardsticks. Late Church Clock

Saturday is supposed to be a special day–it’s the day we get ready for Sunday! Not with late church, though. Because with late church and our own mortal weaknesses, we put off shining our shoes and washing our hair and all that stuff until Sunday morning, because Jiminy Cricket there is literally nothing else to do for like 5 hours and if I couldn’t kill an hour with making the kids take showers and stuff, I don’t honestly know what I’d do. [Read more...]

Three Nephites, Ranked

Had I known that Steve was never a Zone Leader, I probably wouldn’t have allowed him to have as much influence as I did on last week’s rankings. Fortunately, we both share a high degree of personal knowledge about this week’s topic.

The 3 Nephigos
As always, these rankings are authoritative.
[Read more...]

Responsibilities of Zone Leaders, Ranked

Steve and I would like to formally apologize for our previous list. In retrospect, we should have been more sensitive to the possibi- OH FORGET IT I can’t even keep a straight face long enough to type this. On with the rankings!

Like a Boss
As before, these rankings are authoritative. Don’t kick against the pricks.[1]
[Read more...]

“…there’s a ton of stuff that should be covered in the MTC.”

In Sam’s post about tax liabilities stemming from membership in an organized religion in Germany, someone mentioned that missionaries destined for that land should be prepped on the topic. Sam’s reply was that “…there’s a ton of stuff that should be covered in the MTC.”

Back in my day[1], the MTC stay was 8-9 weeks for those requiring language training, and 3-4 weeks otherwise. Perhaps it’s longer/shorter/different now, but the point is missionaries don’t spend very much time in the MTC before being sent packing. A month or two, like! That’s not very long! And missionaries are really ignorant youthful! [Read more...]

Responsibilities of Deacons, Ranked

Sam Weir
These rankings are authoritative.[1]
[Read more...]

Breakfast of Champions (UPDATED)

Dear Leader Steve Evans has been griping INCESSANTLY to the BCC backlist this morning over how I was mean to him when he tried to explain that he has a tummy ache. In the nature of transparency and to set the record straight, I provide the details on our conversation, unedited:

Steve: I would like to tell you about my breakfast this morning.
Sent at 9:16 AM on Tuesday

Scott: i am listening

Steve: it started off as a collection of dried fruits and nuts.

Scott: Read: Granola Bar

Steve: no — prunes, apricots, cherries and almonds
Then I noticed that I brought a bag of cookies with me to work.
[Read more...]

2014 World Cup Group Stages Open Thread

2014 WC Venn Diagram of Hope

An actual conversation between myself and RJH this morning:

Scott: Are you optimistic for England?
RJH: Don’t be silly!
And so it begins!

THIS IS A THREAD FOR BLOGGERNACLE SOCCER FANS TO DISCUSS THE WORLD CUP. HATERS GET LOST.

[Read more...]

Your Friday Afternoon Chat Transcript

BSG, The Wire, & Buffy

Your weekly, or however often I get around to it, view into some of the weightier conversations between Steve Evans and myself. Today, we talk about an article on the internet that is full of crap. 

_________________

Scott: So yesterday there was that article at Wired or wherever that foolishly claimed to have the “definitive” ranking of every season of every TV show that matters.
And it was BULL CRAP

Steve: Look, it was a noble attempt.

Scott: The collection of shows itself was fine–a few notable misses–but the rankings? BULL CRAP

Steve: Plus who cares what the best season of E.R. was? They’re all the same.

Scott:

Nurse: DOCTOR! HE’S DYING!

Doctor: NOPE, HE’S SAVED NOW!

Nurse: LET’S KISS!

Steve: Gunshot wound! I need a CBC, x-ray, fluids STAT! [Read more...]

Remember when everyone was into blogging?

Hey guys, you remember blogs? Man, those were great. I miss them.

Especially today.

Because earlier this morning in the process of cleaning out a bunch of old folders in the dusty and cobwebbed corners of my hard drive, I came across a folder containing my user archive for a long-forgotten web browser. Based on the contents, I think it was created two computers ago–probably when I got the computer that my current computer (which is itself several years old, and about to be replaced) replaced, and just copied all of my user data and files over from the old box so as to make sure I didn’t lose any of the obviously vital information that I apparently didn’t look at again until today. Anyway, I started clicking through the folder, and found a sub-folder containing a great big long list of bookmarks–sites that, 5-7 years ago I visited regularly. Most of it was blogs–holy smokes the blogs. Blogs from the days when Blogger was just exploding, and every family in the ward, every old high school friend, and every bored office dweller with too little to do was creating a blog, posting some pictures, and feeling like the king of the internet because that one post got like, I swear, 9 comments, and none were from your mom. [Read more...]

Your Friday Afternoon Chat Transcript

Deep Fried Fair Food

One time, many months ago, Steve and I tried to start a recurring feature in which we post the unrehearsed, unplanned, and (basically) unedited transcripts of our IM conversations that deal with the weightiest of matters. It didn’t go over so well, and everyone got super mad and that was a darn shame, because it was an amazing post and I’m not remotely bitter about it nope not at all.[1] Anyway, we are going to give it another whirl today with a topic no less divisive than last time: Deep Fried Foods. If you’re interested in seeing what spurred this conversation into existence, go here.

Scott: Gotta say, the whole deep-fried fair food thing just puzzles me. I think it’s all gross. Like even when people are showing “the greatest” fried stuff at fairs, none of it is appealing to me.

Steve: I like fried foods. Those little donuts.

Scott: Me too–but not fried for the sake of frying. Like, I think a decent corndog is great.

Steve: yes.

Scott: But they go so over the top that the result isn’t a corndog anymore–it’s 6 lbs of batter with a gargantuan sausage in the middle, and leaves you sick. [Read more...]

Mormon March Madness – The Final Four

Monson & Uchtdorf

[Read more...]

Mormon March Madness – Elite 8

Many were called, and 8 were chosen. But only 4 get to keep playing.

The win-loss results of the Sweet 16 vote were largely unsurprising, with possibly the exception of Moses falling to Enoch and Hyrum losing to Emma. However, the magnitude of some victories was a bit shocking to me–especially the all-1st Presidency match-up between Uchtdorf-Eyring, where the 2nd Counselor took 85% of the vote. Hal, we love you still!

[Read more...]

Mormon March Madness – Sweet 16

It’s Sweet 16 time in Mormonville, so let’s all go on a group date together and decide who’s moving on and who’s going home!

The Round 2 voting didn’t produce many upsets–those all took place in Round 1. In the Modern Mormon Prophets Region, we’re down to the heavyweights as the Silver Fox, Elder Holland, and President Eyring all clubbed their opponents like stranded baby seals, and Elder Oaks snuck past his Apostolic cohort pal Elder Nelson.

In Ancient Scripture voting, girl-power was insufficient to carry Esther or Deborah into the Sweet 16, as Adam and Enoch won the day. (Any further accusations of a female bias at BCC will be moved off-site to the edge of Temple Square where no one can hear you scream.) With no more Book of Mormon reps to help out, it’s John the Beloved holding court against three Old Testament foes. [Read more...]

Mormon March Madness – Round 2

Round 2 is on!

But it’s not without some major disappointment on the part of this blogger. With respect to the results of the voting in the False Prophets Region, all I can say is that you people have no idea what you’re talking about, and you should–each and every one of you–be ashamed. But we have some delicious match ups in Round 2 (Eliza R. Snow vs. Heber Kimball! Parley P. Pratt vs. Emma!) Jon McNaughton vs. Emperor Palpatine!), so there is still some time for at least a partial redemption.

Vote today and tomorrowthis week, and Sweet Sixteen voting will take place starting on Friday next Monday morning! [Read more...]

March Madness – Early Mormonism & False Prophets Regions

After yesterday’s barnburner that saw Deborah eek out a 6-vote win over Noah, we’re down to two regions left in Round 1.  Rather than wait until Monday for the final region, today it’s two for the price one–Early Mormonism & False Prophets are up now!

(Results from Round 1: Modern Mormon Prophets, Ancient Scripture)

A couple of notes:

  • Voting closes in 24 hours.
  • Seeds have not truly been assigned, because we don’t care about numbers–we care about people.
  • Round 2 for all four regions starts Monday Tuesday Wednesday!
  • Relevant questions for your consideration include:
  1. Did they make it to Salt Lake?
  2. Who had poorer attendance at FHE in college?
  3. Who had the most wives? (or HUSBANDS!?)
  4. Who’s really just in it for the free food?
  5. Who would you be most likely to portray in a Hollywood adaptation of the Restoration?
  6. Who haunts the dark hallways of stake centers at night? [Read more...]

March Madness – Ancient Scripture Region

We’re back today with Round 1 in the Ancient Scripture Region, but first let’s recap the action from yesterday’s Modern Mormon Prophets region.

There were really no major surprises in the first round here. As expected, President Monson had no problems overcoming his bye week, and the Tri-DarkHorse-umvirate of Uchtdorf, Holland, and Eyring all walked away with landslide victories.  In fact, the only relatively close matches involved the victorious Elder Oaks (over Elder Bednar), Elder Nelson (over Elder Cook), and, in a nod to pirates everywhere, Elder L. Tom Perry (over Elder Christofferson).

Now, on to the Ancient Scriptures Region. A couple of notes:

  • Voting closes in 24 hours.
  • Seeds have been assigned directly via capital-R Revelation.
  • Early Mormonism, and False Prophets regions are forthcoming.
  • Relevant questions for your consideration include:
  1. Who is more prophetic?
  2. Who is more likely to sell essential oils?
  3. Who has the biggest book? [Read more...]

March Madness – Modern Mormon Prophets Region

It’s March Madness Bracket season, and it’s been too long since we’ve done anything remotely likely this.

A couple of notes:

  • Voting closes in 24 hours.
  • Seeds have been assigned in the only appropriate fashion: Apostolic seniority.
  • Ancient Prophets, Early Mormonism, and False Prophets regions are forthcoming.
  • Relevant questions for your consideration include:
  1. Who is more prophetic?
  2. Who would win in a leg wrestle?
  3. Whose talks better to read than to listen to? [Read more...]

BFFs With the Mormons Except When We’re Totally Not

With the recent decision from BSA to allow openly gay scouts, a number of long-time scouting supporters were, and continue to be, upset. So upset, in fact, that a new program has been established: “Trail Life USA – the new Christian-based alternative that excludes openly gay boys.”  

Naturally, the question on everyone’s mind, of course, is whether our super-allies will let us Mormons join. Will “Trail Life USA” become the new official Activity Wing of the Aaronic Priesthood? Let’s consult Trail Life USA’s FAQ page for answers!
[Read more...]

From the Archives

The best two minutes in the history of the bloggernacle, period.

At the request of the PTB, I’m going to repost my BoH series, as well the entire library of BCC Zeitcast episodes, since they’ve been lost from the Internets somehow. [Read more...]

Feed My Missionaries

In priesthood opening exercises on Sunday, our attention was directed to the fact that one of the approximately 19 pairs of full-time missionaries in our ward didn’t have any dinner appointments this week, and that this situation needed to be remedied.

A calendar was presented. Hands were raised. Appointments were made.

But this procession prompted my friend James to shoot me a text message, and the following conversation ensued:

Feed My Missionaries

[Read more...]

Getting It Right

YWMedallions

Note: Names have been changed to protect privacy. 

When I entered the chapel on Sunday just at the start of Sacrament meeting, I noticed that all four members of the Young Women’s Presidency were seated on the stand. Seated next to them was the smiling face of a young woman who had just completed the last of her Personal Progress requirements and would therefore be receiving her Young Womanhood Recognition Medallion.   After the meeting started and the rest of the ward business had been taken care of by a counselor in the bishopric, our Bishop stood up and took a few moments to explain the long and difficult process of earning the medallion.   [Read more...]

CTR: Crap That’s Real

CTR: Crap That’s Real is a column devoted to discussions of whatever I deem worthy of discussion. It might be Mormon-related; it might not be. This week, we are going to talk about new TV shows, bad parenting, fictional characters who should be Mormons, and other stuff. Leave a comment or shoot me an email if you want to talk about something.

GA material, that.

GA material, there.

*     *     *

Hooooo boy! Who’s sick of reading and slash or talking about conference? You too? Great, because I am pretty much done.  Actually, I was pretty much done by the middle of the Sunday afternoon session when the candy bowl we were using for that game (where you eat crap whenever people say crap) had nothing but jelly beans left.  Bottom of the barrel at the bottom of the barrel, right? So let’s all promise not to talk about GC ever again until this Sunday when we talk about it all day at church again. [Read more...]

CTR: Crap That’s Real

CTR: Crap That’s Real is a column devoted to discussions of whatever I deem worthy of discussion. It might be Mormon-related; it might not be. This week, we are going to talk about General Conference Snacks, Movies, Baseball, and other related minutiae. If you have something you think is worthy of inclusion in next week’s CTR, shoot me an email.

*     *     *

It has been nearly one and a half years since I last struck the keyboard here at BCC. During that absence, people have asked where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, why I left, and even whether or not I am actually the same person as Steve Evans, who was also absent during that same time period. These are all worthy questions, but the easiest one to answer is why I left.  It’s very simple: Over time, I became increasingly afraid of the possibility that Brad Kramer would eat me. [Read more...]

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